What the heck ! shady guy , very confused !

[Anita320]

Hi everyone! Sorry for writing so much I hope you have patience to read it! Thank you for your help!

 

I have been going out with a guy just as friends for about 2 months now we know each other from my last job.

 

Excuse my spelling I'm not an American.

 

The reason we have been going out as friends is because I didn't want to start anything up with him since he recently(6months) ago got out of a relationship. I got out of mine a year ago and we would often talk about our exes I didn't want to be a rebound. I didn't think he was ready to be in a relationship but he at least insisted we keep going out as friends.

 

2 months passed going out as friends. There were times I told him no I don't think we are right for each other. He would tell me please think about it more. A week ago he told me he was going to go out with another woman, a date one of his co-workers set up for him since I won't enter a relationship with him after all his insisting. He knew I wanted something serious.

 

I didn't want to lose him and that news made me jealous. I was interested in him just not now. So I called him up to go out and he took it a sign that I want to finally be with him we kissed and we were in a relationship I guess.

 

I even asked him what are we he said we are a couple. I asked him well are you going to tell your coworker that you won't be going out with that woman now and cancel the date he said yes as soon as I have a chance to.

 

Days passed, everytime I asked him, he would find an excuse. One time he said I didn't have time. I was to busy bla bla bla.

 

I suspect he has gone out with her once but never told me because when we started talking about her and I asked him where he saw that woman his coworker was setting him up with he said once we just happend to accidentally meet after work but never on a date just as a group (bull) . And now I think he is continuing to do so because a week has passed since we kissed and he hasn't had ONE chance to tell his coworker to tell that woman he isn't interested

 

I asked him why can't you just call her. He's like no I'll do it when I see her it's better.

 

Yesterday we were chatting on the phone and I told him if you are serious about me and you really don't want to go out with that woman tell your coworker now that you aren't interested and sent me a screen shot. He got all mad and said I wasn't going to be that mean and do it over a chat.

 

I got mad that he didn't do that and I made a profile on tinder that night. As soon as I did his friend found out and told him. He's like ow so now you are looking for other dates? I said no I just did it cause nothing good seems to be here from you and I. He's like so that's how fast you move?

 

So I asked him to go out and talk about it the next day he said he was busy (he had that day off). And I suspect he used it to go out with her because he gave me like a million excuses why he can't go out.

 

The next day when we finally went out I gave him an ultimatum I said either you give me proof that you told your coworker that you aren't going to go out with that woman again (I even told him I know you went out with her don't lie) or we are done.

 

I gave him until tomorrow! I am very sad and mad!

 

Does he just want to have sex with her or have something serious with her?

 

By the way I am a virgin and we can't have sex until we get more serious or engaged. Because of my culture but also I have it as a rule.

[j.man]

Frankly, he'd be an idiot to not still go on a date with her. The only reason you felt compelled to be with him was because another woman entered the picture, not because you feel secure about the idea itself. and unless he's got a single-digit IQ, I'm certain he's aware of that.

 

Stick with your initial reluctance and allow him to venture out and find someone else whose drawn to being committed with him for reasons other than simply being afraid of competition, and allow yourself to find a guy you actually want to be with. You two completely lack a foundation on which to build trust from. The drama will only snowball from here.

[notalady]

Um why do you bother hassling him about it? You're not gonna make him do what he doesn't want to do by hassling and nagging. He clearly wants to go on a date with that woman, probably want to have an extra option or someone on the side, just giving you excuses for why he can't cancel the date. I would not bother with him anymore and walk away. He can go on that date all he wants.

 

Also by the way you played right into his hand when you got jealous about him going on a date and immediately decide to drop all your boundaries and date him. Yet you stated you are not right for each other and you don't want to date him now. I think you're the confusing one, not him.

[Anita320]

I won't bother him anymore I just don't want to get played. He won't let me go either he wants me and plus he wants her on the side.

 

I just want him to be honest with me. I told him you're not obligated to not go on a date with her but I deserve to know the truth.

 

I wasn't sure if he was over his ex. It's not that I didn't like him. I didn't want to get hurt.

 

The last time we went out to talk about it he kept trying to kiss me and brush it all under the rug. Telling me he didn't go out with her and I'm just imagening it

[notalady]

He wants someone on the side or at least a second option. If you're ok with that you can stay, if not you can walk away, those are your choices. He's not playing you, he's showing you exactly who he is.

 

Why does it matter if he would let you go? It's not up to him, you make up your own mind about what you want to do, he doesn't have a choice if you are saying it's over and that you don't want to date him.

 

Yes you were smart to be cautious since he hadn't been out of a relationship very long and you were unsure if he's over his ex. Like I said, you lost your boundaries when he told you he was going on another date. Why do you think he even told you about it in the first place? Think about it.

[Anita320]

There was even a time he had told me about his ex that he wasn't over her. That's one of the reasons why I kept trying to leave and he kept pulling me in telling me that I make him forget her. He still has a photo of his ex on fb.

 

I suspect he wants her (this new date) for sex since he's not getting it from me and she seems a little sl**ty I looked her up on facebook.

 

I told him did you tell me about her so I would start something up with you? He was like no I had no idea you would call me that fast.

 

No it doesn't matter if he wouldn't let me go. I told him you either give proof that you cut it off or I am done.

 

And I do agree that he is showing me excatly who he is. Because in the beginning I didn't ask for proof. If he had told me right from the beggining of our "relationship" that he told his coworker that he isn't interested in this new date, I would have believed him. I started asking for proof only after he kept telling me no I didn't tell her I'm not interested. I wonder why he didn't lie??? He could have easily kept her on the side and played me.

 

Though he's still not accepting that he went on a date with her.

 

I even told him what if I sent this new date of yours a message on fb and told her you had a girlfriend. He said you may do so anytime you want to ???!!! (I didn't really mean it it was a test)

[notalady]

Frankly what you're doing sounds controlling, distrusting and a bit crazy (the part about you want to message this woman). Everything you're doing is trying to control him and trying to control the situation, telling him to cancel the date, telling him to show you proof, telling him you'll contact this woman to tell her he has a girlfriend. All an attempt to steer the situation in the direction that you want, him not going on a date with her and be faithful to you.

 

Let me tell you right now that trying to control someone is pointless. People will do whatever they want to do at the end of the day, you have zero control over it. Whether they lie to you about it or not is irrelevant. Also there's no need to put down or insult another woman, she's done nothing wrong.

 

All you have control over is yourself, your own choice and your own behaviour. And your choices are, based on what you know about him to date, do you want to keep dating him? Yes or no. Do you want to date a guy who clearly is keeping his options open, whether it's for sex or relationship it doesn't matter. He's told you loud and clear, he's not going to cancel the date, he didn't tell her he's not interested (ie he is interested). Do you accept his terms or not? Yes or no.

 

If the answer is no, then you walk away, that's the only thing you can control. Not him and how he behaves.

[katrina1980]

Anita, stop chasing this guy, and stop demanding he not go out on other dates, with her or anyone else.

 

It sounds extremely heavy-handed, not to mention controlling..... you can't force him to not go on other dates if he wants to.

 

If you don't like it, then show it by your actions and stop going out with him. Don't be nasty about it, just say you are not on the same page with respect to what you want ... so let's call it a day.

 

If he decides he is serious about you and wants an exclusive relationship, he knows where to find you.

 

That said, you sound like two peas in a pod.

 

First you weren't interested because of godonlyknows what (his ex?) ....but then as soon as you get wind that he likes another girl, suddenly you're jealous and interested.

 

But the ex is still in the picture I assume, so nothing had changed in that regard, you only got interested in him because you were jealous.

 

As for him, he chased you and seemed very interested in you UNTIL you became interested in him, and then suddenly he doesn't seem all that interested anymore.

 

Lying about going out with this other girl (lie of omission) or otherwise just acting very shady and secretive about it.

 

This *relationship* has the makings of being a very toxic and dysfunctional relationship, should it get that far.

 

The smart thing would be to walk away, allowing him to go out with this girl or any other girl, without having to get hassled about it by you.

 

I get all this was in an effort to protective yourself against getting hurt, but often times the actions we take to avoid getting hurt, actually cause us to get hurt!!

 

Which is exactly what happened here imho.

[ParisPaulette]

Bottom line, the boy wants to get laid. You won't put out, so he's going after someone he thinks will. BTW please don't refer to other women as sl**s. You don't know the first thing about this woman, and she has no clue you exist most likely. But by thinking of other women as "the enemy" you refuse to just accept that you and this guy are clearly a mismatch and that he, not she, is the issue. He said the things he said, because he kept hoping for a booty call. This does not equate to a relationship and the last time I checked any guy serious about a woman (or vice versa) doesn't tell the person they're interested in about being set up on another date, then dance around the topic with lame excuses about why they won't say anything about not wanting to date someone else.

 

You're being played here, BUT you didn't just walk away in the first place when you saw you both were incompatible. And you really only got jealous when another woman was on the scene, which is more about competition than it is about actually caring about this guy. Who frankly doesn't care about you beyond enjoying female attention after a breakup.

 

He is not ready for a relationship with anyone and wants to have fun. He is not into you for a relationship no matter what he said. He wants to get a booty call and my guess is he's playing a lot of women right now to get what he wants, but it doesn't sound even remotely close to what you want.

 

And you can't call dibs on another person for "the future." Relationships don't work like that. Either you both want the same thing at the same time, and it's a match, or you don't and you each move on to other people who fit what you're looking for better.

 

So block and delete him and move on already.

[Anita320]

Frankly what you're doing sounds controlling, distrusting and a bit crazy (the part about you want to message this woman). Everything you're doing is trying to control him and trying to control the situation, telling him to cancel the date, telling him to show you proof, telling him you'll contact this woman to tell her he has a girlfriend. All an attempt to steer the situation in the direction that you want, him not going on a date with her and be faithful to you.

 

Let me tell you right now that trying to control someone is pointless. People will do whatever they want to do at the end of the day, you have zero control over it. Whether they lie to you about it or not is irrelevant. Also there's no need to put down or insult another woman, she's done nothing wrong.

 

All you have control over is yourself, your own choice and your own behaviour. And your choices are, based on what you know about him to date, do you want to keep dating him? Yes or no. Do you want to date a guy who clearly is keeping his options open, whether it's for sex or relationship it doesn't matter. He's told you loud and clear, he's not going to cancel the date, he didn't tell her he's not interested (ie he is interested). Do you accept his terms or not? Yes or no.

 

If the answer is no, then you walk away, that's the only thing you can control. Not him and how he behaves.

 

That is what I will be doing. Should I wait for his answer though? He is supposed to give it to me tomorrow (the proof) that he isn't going out with her?

[katrina1980]

That is what I will be doing. Should I wait for his answer though? He is supposed to give it to me tomorrow (the proof) if he ended it or not?

 

No! YOU end it (see previous post)

 

A guy should not have to show *proof* of anything, that just sounds so juvenile and ridiculous. You act like you've been married for years!

 

You "just" started dating for heaven's sake.... put things in perspective.

 

You either believe him or you don't... forget getting any *proof*.

 

If you doubt what he tells you, then walk away. Period, end of.

[notalady]

No! YOU end it (see previous post)

 

A guy should not have to show *proof* of anything, that just sounds so juvenile and ridiculous. You act like you've been married for years!

 

You "just" started dating for heaven's sake.... put things in perspective.

 

You either believe him or you don't... forget getting any *proof*.

 

If you doubt what he tells you, then walk away. Period, end of.

 

Yes no proof required. In future, no need to ask for proof, you either trust someone or you don't.

 

Even if he shows you the "proof", so what? You'll always know that he wanted to go on a date with this woman while dating you, and you MADE HIM cancel it, it wasn't his own will, it's not because he wanted to date you and only you. You made him.

 

This is why controlling behaviour doesn't work, because even if they do what you ask, it's because you made them do it, not because they wanted to. You will always know that and will always have to live with it.

 

Really, if you have to force someone to be exclusive and serious with you, why bother? Why don't you want to date someone who want that with you to begin with?

[j.man]

I love Law and Order as much as the next guy, but I'll be ****ed if I ever have a relationship that constantly plays out like an episode, where I've gotta present exhibits A and B to verify any claim I make.

 

I think you need to take a step back from relationships and perhaps dating altogether. You may be out of your previous for a year now, but it's clear you haven't learned how to be single yet.

[Anita320]

I told him he can go out with whoever he wants to as long as he's honest about it and actually lets me know so I can end it.

 

The thing here is he keeps on saying he hasn't had the chance to say no. He won't admitt to actually wanting to do it

That's why I asked for the proof.

 

But I guess him taking so long to actually say no to that date, and even admitting it to me that it is taking this long is my answer/green light to end it.

 

Anyway I think you all are right..

 

Thanks to all

[notalady]

I told him he can go out with whoever he wants to as long as he's honest about it and actually lets me know so I can end it.

 

The thing here is he keeps on saying he hasn't had the chance to say no. He won't admitt to actually wanting to do it

That's why I asked for the proof.

 

But I guess him taking so long to actually say no to that date, and even admitting it to me that is is taking this ling is my answer/green light to end it.

 

Anyway I think you all are right..

 

Thanks

 

Learn to distinguish when people are making excuses, use common sense and logic to make your decision without having to hear the entire truth, because most of the time people won't tell you the whole truth.

[HeartGoesOn]

I told him he can go out with whoever he wants to as long as he's honest about it and actually lets me know so I can end it.

 

What are you ending? Unless I'm missing something, this wasn't a relationship.

[Anita320]

UPDATE:

 

I just texted him and told him you're not ready to be in a relationship. You just wanted to get laid and are keeping your options open. I don't need that evidence and he can go out with whoever he wants to and I don't want to see him anymore.

 

He told me I am wrong. So he texted his coworker telling her he won't be able to go on a date with that woman and sent me the screen shot. I told him thanks. But I still don't know if he already went out with her once. And in the texts she told him how she wasn't able to call him on saturday because the other woman wasn't feeling well. Seems like they had planned to go out yesterday and things didn't work out. But she said she'll call him next week. And then he told her I can't go out with her because I'm already going out with someone else.

 

I told him thanks and we'll talk about this more the next time I see him.

[katrina1980]

UPDATE:

 

I just texted him and told him you're not ready to be in a relationship. You just wanted to get laid and are keeping your options open. I don't need that evidence and he can go out with whoever he wants to and I don't want to see him anymore.

 

He told me I am wrong. So he texted his coworker telling her he won't be able to go on a date with that woman and sent me the screen shot. I told him thanks. But I still don't know if he already went out with her once. And in the texts she told him how she wasn't able to call him on saturday because the other woman wasn't feeling well. Seems like they had planned to go out yesterday and things didn't work out. But she said she'll call him next week. And then he told her I can't go out with her because I'm already going out with someone else.

 

I told him thanks and we'll talk about this more the next time I see him.

 

This *relationship* has got drama and toxicity written all over it, but nevertheless if this is what you want, then wish you the best.

 

Some people (couples) thrive on this type of drama and chaos, you may or may not be that couple, but from what you have written it certainly appears you may be.

 

But good luck.... hope it works out for ya the way you hope.

[Anita320]

I have planned to tell him that if it continues like this and we can't build trust it isn't going to work.

 

I certanly don't thrive in this kind of drama or chaos. I can only hope it does not continue like this. Because if it does it will not be worth it. He's at fault here, not me.

 

It doesn't matter that I decided to start the relatipnship with him after finding out about that woman. No matter the circumstances when you decide to start the relationship you're supposed to be loyal and honest. He could have said no I don't want you now you're too late. I didn't force him.

 

I can't force him to do things, and this is a big thing! If this thing had started going on after we started the relationship it would be a clear indicator to end it. But since this date issue with the other woman has started before we kissed I guess it's okay.

 

But I'm still mad it took him that long to do it to tell her no, even though he kept saying that he wasn't interested and he just hasn't had a chance. Today he had a chance cause he made that chance, he could have made this chance way before.

 

I do agree that if it countinues like this it is toxic and it won't work. I can only hope I can build my trust in him. He has to contribute in me trusting him also.

 

He trusts me because I never lied and always did what I said I will. I did my part and he needs to do his.

 

I caught my last boyfriend lying countless times to me. I don't need another one of those relationships.

[katrina1980]

Sweetie, you are both at fault.

 

Him for behaving like a ****, and you for attempting to make something work with a man who behaves like a ****.

 

How many dates have you had? This is still sooooooo early on, this shouldn't be happening.

 

The fact it is indicates something is seriously wrong and the smart thing would be to simply walk away and wish him the best.

 

He has shown you his colors, your job is to *see* those colors, clearly ... and act accordingly.

 

Which in this case, means walking away.

 

That would be the smart thing anyway.

 

But good luck with whatever you decide.

 

Choose wisely.

[Anita320]

By the way, I know I was wrong to call the other woman a sl*t but all of her photos were half naked and duck faces.

 

It's his fault not hers. I just wanted to get the opinion from you all about him wanting her for sex, because of course I don't personally know her and it isn't right to say that and it's her business what kinds of photos she posts.

[Anita320]

Sweetie, you are both at fault.

 

Him for behaving like a ****, and you for attempting to make something work with a man who behaves like a ****.

 

How many dates have you had? This is still sooooooo early on, this shouldn't be happening.

 

The fact it is indicates something is seriously wrong and the smart thing would be to simply walk away and wish him the best.

 

He has shown you his colors, your job is to *see* those colors, clearly ... and act accordingly.

 

Which in this case, means walking away.

 

That would be the smart thing anyway.

 

But good luck with whatever you decide.

 

Choose wisely.

 

Thanks...I will have to think about it..