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The new GF


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My ex and I have been separated 10 months.. We were together 15 years and have 3 children together.. He was an alcoholic and abusive when he drank, the last straw was when he kicked out my windshield while I was driving down the freeway.. Three weeks ago I found out he has a new gf.. Today he announced they are moving in together.. I've been having a VERY hard time thru this separation and this hit me like a ton of bricks... I don't know how to feel or if I feel anything but angry! I've been helping him with money, food, driving our kids back and forth to see him, making sure contact was kept open.. This past holiday he decided to take his week off to spend with her and her kids and didn't even want to Serbia own kids.. I'm crushed and I don't even know why.. How do I just let go and move on and how do I deal with this new woman in his life? I want to hate her! I do hate her! How do I deal with her especially if eventually she will be there with my children???

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Were you legally married? If so you need to see a lawyer and file for divorce this is more than done. And you must get a support order in place with the courts. I wasted wayyyy too long being mr nice guy with my ex who was banging someone the entire time I was playing the fool. You need to focus on your kids, communicate email only regarding kids and leave the rest to a lawyer

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It sounds like you are very newly out of a painful, abusive and terrifying relationship.


Can you get therapy? Have you thought about applying for sol custody? He doesn't sound like a healthy person to have around your kids.


Personally I think you have a LOT to work through before you can even start bothering about his current poor choices. Keep away from him. Find a lawyer. Find a therapist and work on healing yourself.


If anything feel pity for this lady. You know who he is. You know what he'll do. She is stuck with an abusive dangerous alcoholic. You are starting to pick up the pieces of your life. Don't let anger at a stranger derail your healing.

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Please get some help to understand domestic violence. Stop giving him money, doing favors,etc. It's over. Go to court to get child support and motion for supervised visits only.


An alcoholic and his gf should not be seeing the kids alone, no less you driving them to that environment. Please get counseling to understand how lucky you are to get out of this alive. keep your kids away unless you arrange for safe court ordered supervision.


Do you really want your kids alone at the hands of a drunk who "kicks in a windshield". Take care of yourself and your children rather than worry about how some chick has this drunken abusive turd on her hands now.

the last straw was when he kicked out my windshield while I was driving down the freeway. I've been helping him with money, food, driving our kids back and forth to see him, making sure contact was kept open.
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Yes I know abuse, yes I'm in counseling and therapy. I am working thru depression and PTsd and am working on myself for me and my kids... But it still hurts, it's still raw and painful and this new relationship is hurting my progress.. I just needed to know if anyone had any advice moving forward... I get the abuse and the relationship is over but sooner or later my kids will be faced with this new woman and I was looking for advice...

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She and her kids will be abused too. There will be no love party. I would pity her. My abusive dad left my mom to live with her brother's wife. My aunt lived through HELL ,HELL. So did my cousins. Those who were old enough to run away did. My disabled cousin and an 8 year old cousin could not. Their life was horrific. Pity this woman. She is getting everything you got and so will her kids. It won't be rainbows.

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what do you expect from your children meeting her? you are hurt to have been replaced, this woman irks you and you are already triangling your children into it to soak up your anxiety over him having a new girlfriend and the kids haven't even seen her yet.


i don't personally see why they should meet her. keeping the "line open" by financing him and helping him isn't an effort at efficient co-parenting, it's simply rationalized co-dependent behavior.


the new relationship isn't hurting your progress. he's just dating a woman, and you're personalizing that as some harm done to you. i understand, after having experienced that side of him more than enough, but since he is out of your life (while you are trying to keep him in it) and dating whoever he wants to, what hurts isn't who he's dating, but how you choose to see it.


you are choosing to see it as a statement of you as worse than some new woman despite having sacrificed yourself to keep a dysfunctional connection.


so if you measure your sense of worth by how well you can twist and bend and keep vital aspects of yourself out of connection simply to keep an abusive person, then to move forward, you'll want to come up with a new definition of self-worth.

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Unbelievably disgusting but not unheard of. I can't imagine the hurt, betrayal, and anguish that you must. I am so sorry for you. Well, although a tough one, you will make it. I'd say to try to do your best to focus on yourself and the kids because he'll soon face his own karma. He's an Alcoholic so he has a lot of personalities so she'll exhaust herself dealing with him in the end. Why be upset at her more than him because he's the one married to you? Indeed she's a heartless woman if she knew that he was a married man with kids but he's more so the wrongdoer. I pray that things will work out for you.

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"...be faced with this new woman and I was looking for advice..."

- Just a guess: if she lasts, most likely she will be asking you for help and advice.


Did he ever hit you?

If so, he will be back.


While his attention is elsewhere, use this time to fortify your new life and house.

Get help for your continuing role in the abuse circle.

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Awesome guys, your negativity is so helpful.. No he never hit me, yes the cycle of abuse is ended.. You guys are so focused on his abuse, sadly he was a good guy and good dad when he didn't drink.. He had issues that drove him to drinking and he made exceptionally poor decisions when he did.. He's sober now and I was just trying to help him get on his feet.. I'm not an idiot or some abused animal.. I'm in therapy, I'm getting help, I'm protecting my children, please don't make me feel worse about the situation.. Sorry I asked for advice..

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No I don't want him back, and I'm sorry that people have to face such evil in their lives that they can offer nothing but negativity.. I am just a little hurt by this new revelation and wanted advice on how to deal with a new girlfriend and how to help my kids thru the transition, instead I feel attacked for my bad decisions... But no I do not want him back.. Ever...

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I apologize Victoria o was not speaking of you directly, but of people in general.. I did not intend to offend anyone and I'm sure you've given great advice.. I'm new here, didn't intend to ostracize myself so soon.. Please don't feel sorry for me, I'm getting my life back.. I'm trying to be happy so I can make a difference for my kids and help others.. Thank you for your well wishes.. I wish you the same

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You seemed to miss the point.


By pointing out how bad he was it can bring you to the realization that he is not worth any of your feelings or time.


When he announced his gf and moving in it all became real all at once and that is why you feel this way. You feel duped, used, taken for granted, resentment for all the years you wasted on him and on top of all those feelings you feel alone and fearful or what will happen to you now. He gets off scott free and you are left holding the bag.


Anyone that kicks out a windshield has anger issues whether drunk or not. This guy is not a "good guy" because good guys do not behave like that sober or drunk.


Accept that this went on way to long and that he has chosen to use some unsuspecting women to make himself feel better. He will start drinking again and he will be right back where he was as soon as he thinks she won't kick him to the curb for it.



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It's interesting that you have insight into this. Will the new woman help him get on his feet now that he left you? For example can she give him money, drive the kids, etc. like you used to?

he was a good guy and good dad when he didn't drink. He had issues that drove him to drinking. He's sober now and I was just trying to help him get on his feet..
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