I think he's messing around, even though he denies it...is it me?

[chicken1607310381]

I've been with my boyfriend 9 years. We had a child a couple months ago, unplanned (I was told I'd never conceive) and he proposed to me last week.

 

I've been out of work for 2 years, with sporadic employment here and there. I was in a car wreck that hurt my upper body pretty badly, and I lost my high-paying career (still trying to find someone that will hire me), and subsequently lost my house and my possessions. All I have left is a car that may be repossessed in a few weeks, as I ran out of things to sell off to make the last few payments.

 

My boyfriend (fiance?) insisted I stay out of work to raise the baby and he would "take care of me and the baby." I found him a better job working at a bar. He mentioned they needed help, and I asked a couple times if he would consider training me and bringing me on for a few hours a week. I just got faces and awkwardness. So, he brings on this girl about 13 years younger than me from his former job at a restaurant, who isn't even legal to drink, and naturally has no bar training. He tells me "She's a poor single mom that needs a second job." Okay, fair enough. Red flag #1.

 

She begins to get overly friendly with me, and introduces herself as "You're so lucky to have him. A good man is hard to find." I was like "Excuse me? Okay...nice to meet you too." He has me come by the bar now and then, and every time I'm there, she interrupts me talking to him for total crap, or she ices me out and ignores me. I went to his former job for dinner 2 nights ago with my father, and she was there working. She refuses to say hello, and smirks. The kitchen staff and other serving staff keep coming out and looking at me, and the girls there keep tittering and acting weird. Red flag #2.

 

I finally lost it last night over the stressors of not being able to find a job and losing my car. Then, I saw what the "poor single mom" was driving -- a brand new car worth a lot more than mine was. My boyfriend hasn't been putting any money towards my car payment, like he said he would. I went absolutely ballistic and hysterical on him after seeing she essentially has the "second job" that I needed to make her new car payment, while I was denied the opportunity to work and will lose my car. He retaliates with "She doesn't even like you, by the way, and she apologized to me that you think that something is going on, but she's not going to be nice to you." WHO SAYS SOMETHING LIKE THAT?

 

This girl is all of 20. I am nearly 33, have gained a lot of weight and I am "loose fleshed" from this pregnancy, covered in spit-up, and sleep-deprived. I don't feel attractive at all. He insists up and down "There's nothing going on." I beg to differ. Now, I am stuck at home at my dad's house, broke, on welfare, and he gets to come and go and "work" with this spiteful young woman.

 

I don't know what to do. I am rural, I can't "prove" anything's going on, but something seems VERY wrong. I definitely do not want to marry him if this drama continues, but I am left totally dependent on him. I should mention he's never cheated on me or even had an emotional affair that I know of, but this is totally wrong and my Spidey Sense is going off the charts.

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately you have a lot of financial and logistical problems. Does he pay child support? Have you ever lived together?

 

Try not to let postpartum depression or the stress of a new baby or chronic financial stress get to you this way. He's been with you this long and just proposed, so a new coworker is not the problem.

 

You may feel insecure because of the new baby/body issues etc. and other issues that upset you. Does he live with you and your father? Do you have other friends/family who could be supportive?

I've been with my boyfriend 9 years. We had a child a couple months ago, unplanned. lost my house and my possessions. All I have left is a car that may be repossessed in a few weeks. I am stuck at home at my dad's house, broke, on welfare, and he gets to come and go and "work" with this spiteful young woman.

[itsallgrand]

I'd just focus on getting back on your own feet. Keep chugging away looking for a job. It's his baby too, take turns with the child care. I'd tell him it's not working for you being dependent on him and this is what you need.

 

I'd hold off on the marriage until you are 'back' again to your old self and issues can be addressed.

[MissCanuck]

OP, how does your fiance generally treat you? Is he attentive, loving, affectionate?

 

I understand that you view this younger woman as a threat. You seem to be comparing yourself to her in every possible way, and it's triggering some deep insecurities. But the real key here is in the way your fiance responds to her. She might indeed have a crush on him, but if he's invested in you and you trust him, she shouldn't be anything more than a nuisance. She can't be a real threat unless your fiance is permitting it. So, is he?

[Stay_home]

I've been with my boyfriend 9 years. We had a child a couple months ago, unplanned (I was told I'd never conceive) and he proposed to me last week.

 

I've been out of work for 2 years, with sporadic employment here and there. I was in a car wreck that hurt my upper body pretty badly, and I lost my high-paying career (still trying to find someone that will hire me), and subsequently lost my house and my possessions. All I have left is a car that may be repossessed in a few weeks, as I ran out of things to sell off to make the last few payments.

 

My boyfriend (fiance?) insisted I stay out of work to raise the baby and he would "take care of me and the baby." I found him a better job working at a bar. He mentioned they needed help, and I asked a couple times if he would consider training me and bringing me on for a few hours a week. I just got faces and awkwardness. So, he brings on this girl about 13 years younger than me from his former job at a restaurant, who isn't even legal to drink, and naturally has no bar training. He tells me "She's a poor single mom that needs a second job." Okay, fair enough. Red flag #1.

 

She begins to get overly friendly with me, and introduces herself as "You're so lucky to have him. A good man is hard to find." I was like "Excuse me? Okay...nice to meet you too." He has me come by the bar now and then, and every time I'm there, she interrupts me talking to him for total crap, or she ices me out and ignores me. I went to his former job for dinner 2 nights ago with my father, and she was there working. She refuses to say hello, and smirks. The kitchen staff and other serving staff keep coming out and looking at me, and the girls there keep tittering and acting weird. Red flag #2.

 

I finally lost it last night over the stressors of not being able to find a job and losing my car. Then, I saw what the "poor single mom" was driving -- a brand new car worth a lot more than mine was. My boyfriend hasn't been putting any money towards my car payment, like he said he would. I went absolutely ballistic and hysterical on him after seeing she essentially has the "second job" that I needed to make her new car payment, while I was denied the opportunity to work and will lose my car. He retaliates with "She doesn't even like you, by the way, and she apologized to me that you think that something is going on, but she's not going to be nice to you." WHO SAYS SOMETHING LIKE THAT?

 

This girl is all of 20. I am nearly 33, have gained a lot of weight and I am "loose fleshed" from this pregnancy, covered in spit-up, and sleep-deprived. I don't feel attractive at all. He insists up and down "There's nothing going on." I beg to differ. Now, I am stuck at home at my dad's house, broke, on welfare, and he gets to come and go and "work" with this spiteful young woman.

 

I don't know what to do. I am rural, I can't "prove" anything's going on, but something seems VERY wrong. I definitely do not want to marry him if this drama continues, but I am left totally dependent on him. I should mention he's never cheated on me or even had an emotional affair that I know of, but this is totally wrong and my Spidey Sense is going off the charts.

 

If things are that tight for you that you've been losing your possessions, the sensible thing for your fiancee to do was to hook you up with the job. This would've helped you tremendously and given him some relief. For him to look out for the other girl and leave you hangin' is very suspect.

[chicken1607310381]

He's usually very kind and patient. If he's distant to me, it's because he's stressed about something going on in his own life. He's been his usual self with me, nothing particularly suspect. He and I do not live together, but live near one another, like less than a 3 minute drive. He's pretty much over here all the time on his off time. It's a tiny house, and my dad's not happy with me (or the baby) being here, let alone having him move in, as it's a small house. He's working on getting things together to purchase a house, since my credit is absolutely trashed. However, his hours are stupid long, like 12-14 hour days, 6 days a week...and it was like this at the last job (where she also works). He only sees me for 8 hours a day or so, and those hours are spent almost entirely sleeping. We talk maybe 15 minutes. He keeps going into work "early." Like, the place doesn't open until 12, is only a 30 minute drive, but he's leaving my house at 9am to "get ready for the day." I'm writing this with an incredibly nauseated feeling in my stomach. As to child support, he was supposed to be giving me money to buy diapers, supplies, and my basic needs like toiletries and food on a schedule, but he's been breaking the schedule and delaying payment up to 7-10 days, and then only giving me bits and blurbs. I've been crying myself to sleep since I've been forced to beg for money from him everyday. The state is going to slap him with "official" child support payments, evidently, since I got forced onto Medicaid.

 

I'm refusing to speak to him even though he keeps calling today. The comment that "She apologized to me because she says she doesn't like you" was out of line, and totally tacky. I need to get some sort of message across, and he definitely knows why.

[MissCanuck]

Refusing to speak to him isn't going to solve anything. You need to deal with this directly and maturely.

 

Sit down and have a talk. Don't get your defenses up and don't get accusatory, since that won't be constructive. It won't help you find out what's going on. I would have said he's over-tired and stressed, but him going into work early all the time is peculiar, unless he is getting paid to do so. This doesn't necessarily mean he is doing anything with this other girl, but it definitely signals that he wants some alone time. How much time does he spend with his child? I think you both need to be open and honest about how things are going for the two of you, and if he still sees a future together. It seems very off to me that you are compelled to collect child support from your fiance - that should not be necessary whatsoever. The fact that he isn't willingly supporting the baby is very concerning.

 

I think you need to start looking at how you can be more independent. It sounds as though your life is centred around the baby and your boyfriend. While having a young child certainly consumes a huge chunk of your energy and attention, what other outlets do you have? Do you have friends to talk to, a way to get out of the house for a little, even to take the baby for a walk?

 

I think this other girl isn't the real problem here. There are deeper issues with stability and long-term viability.

[chicken1607310381]

Refusing to speak to him isn't going to solve anything. You need to deal with this directly and maturely.

 

Sit down and have a talk. Don't get your defenses up and don't get accusatory, since that won't be constructive. It won't help you find out what's going on. I would have said he's over-tired and stressed, but him going into work early all the time is peculiar, unless he is getting paid to do so. This doesn't necessarily mean he is doing anything with this other girl, but it definitely signals that he wants some alone time. How much time does he spend with his child? I think you both need to be open and honest about how things are going for the two of you, and if he still sees a future together. It seems very off to me that you are compelled to collect child support from your fiance - that should not be necessary whatsoever. The fact that he isn't willingly supporting the baby is very concerning.

 

I think you need to start looking at how you can be more independent. It sounds as though your life is centred around the baby and your boyfriend. While having a young child certainly consumes a huge chunk of your energy and attention, what other outlets do you have? Do you have friends to talk to, a way to get out of the house for a little, even to take the baby for a walk?

 

I think this other girl isn't the real problem here. There are deeper issues with stability and long-term viability.

 

I used to have outlets when I was working and lived in the town where I had my house, but I don't have any friends or family nearby. I'm an only child, and even my mom is dead. The nearest friend is over 100 miles away, and as my vehicle not only is behind on payments and has mechanical issues, I'm afraid to drive to see her. I'm living on a dirt road, and there's a lot of stray animals around here, along with dubious people (meth, transients, etc.) so it isn't safe to walk. I have no intentions of staying here longer than I have to, but I don't see any way out immediately.

 

I am obsessing about the child support because I'm terrified of being abandoned and being without any help whatsoever. He doesn't help much with the baby. I blew up this morning, because I saw he was waking up from the baby's crying, but he wouldn't get out of bed to change his diaper. I loudly said, "Gee, that's funny...you're so big on playing father of the year to everyone else, but you don't change a diaper." He immediately sat up and started holding the baby's hands while I was trying to change the diaper. At which point I said "No, you don't get to do that after you treat me and him like that. You can't just occasionally touch him and think you're a great father. You have to participate." The baby is actually acting like MY own father is his dad.

 

I'm getting distressed to the point where my breast milk is drying up. I confronted him about how he told me "how much [the girl] hates me" because it's not the first time he's done this. A couple years ago, he told me that his father wanted him to dump me because he thought "I was fat and ugly and he could do better with a blonde in really good physical shape." Today, I asked him straight out, "WHAT MAKES YOU THINK IT'S OKAY TO REPEAT HURTFUL THINGS LIKE THIS?" All he gave me was a blank stare, then said, "I'm leaving, I have to go to work." At this point, I was in tears again.

[MissCanuck]

I think your relationship is coming to end, OP.

 

He sounds checked out, from you and the baby.

 

It's probably time to sit down and have an honest talk about the future. No passive-aggressive remarks, no accusations. As you can see, that approach is getting you nowhere. It breeds further resentment and he clearly will just shut down at that point.

[Salty]

I think your relationship is coming to end, OP.

 

He sounds checked out, from you and the baby.

 

It's probably time to sit down and have an honest talk about the future. No passive-aggressive remarks, no accusations. As you can see, that approach is getting you nowhere. It breeds further resentment and he clearly will just shut down at that point.

 

I agree. I must say I am very sorry you are going through this but you seriously need to stop focusing on him and focus on you and the baby instead. Use the time u spend on being mad on exercise, nutrition and being a mom. Go back to school of you have to, move in with a friend- anything! but make some changes and stop relying on this man.

[chicken1607310381]

Well I have a couple of updates!

 

I just landed a $25/hr job. I met a nice person and she thought I would be a good fit for their company, and she recommended to hire me to her manager. I get to travel a bit (day trips) and meet people.

 

As to the man, we finally had a tete a tete (before I got the job) and things are smoothed over. He agrees to dial back his hours as the place he works at transitions and will increase the amount of childcare he provides. I also got an apology from the young woman for her behavior towards me. Things are not perfect, but I have a ball rolling, at least, to get myself back on track.

[nutbrownhare]

Well I have a couple of updates!

 

I just landed a $25/hr job. I met a nice person and she thought I would be a good fit for their company, and she recommended to hire me to her manager. I get to travel a bit (day trips) and meet people.

 

As to the man, we finally had a tete a tete (before I got the job) and things are smoothed over. He agrees to dial back his hours as the place he works at transitions and will increase the amount of childcare he provides. I also got an apology from the young woman for her behavior towards me. Things are not perfect, but I have a ball rolling, at least, to get myself back on track.

 

That's great news, and good luck for the future! However, during difficult times with your partner in the future - STOP punishing him when you're angry about something; it'll solve nothing. It sounds as though you both need to learn better communication skills, which will make for a happier relationship and a much better environment for your baby.