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No Rest


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I posted on this site a week or two ago about a ridiculous situation I'd gotten into falling for a guy in a (questionably) open relationship.


I got some great feedback, some really nurturing and some tough love. All was really helpful. So thank you everyone!


I have largely come to my senses regarding that last post, but it revealed something perhaps more troubling and more permanent then lamenting of a crush and the hurt of a ill advised sexual relationship.


I realized since I was raped at a party a few years ago that I've never been attracted to a man who can realistically be available to me. Sometimes it's because he's in recovery or simply I'm always aware he's not completely interested in me, so emotionally unavailable. Or this one time with a man who's actually taken by another women already.


I'm becoming very preoccupied with the ways it's damaged me. For a long time I hated sex. Unfortunately I was with a guy at the time and we were in love. He tried to get me to go to the police but I wasn't able to face what had happened and repressed it. I'd tell him I didn't want to have sex because of the farm (this party was at a farm) but it was like I had a mental block. Our relationship eventually broke down, I'm not going to say it was because of what happened, he was very kind about it all, but not having sex with him often and hating it when I did was very hard on us.


When I started having constant panic attacks a year or so later, the farm came up in therapy and it was like I finally realized what had happened, even though I had always know. It was very strange to see what your mind can do to protect you from something you're not ready to face.


Now I feel I have come to terms with it, but it worries me that it seems to be having an affect on my life in unexpected ways. I may be giving this even too much power and becoming fixated. But after the breakthrough I had I realized so much of my behavior with men and sex had changed fairly drastically afterwards. For a long time I hated sex and resented my body's desires, now I don't hate it at all, but I'm very fearful.


I want to leave it in the past but I'm beginning to have anxiety again. I'm obsessed with staying busy, be it with art, my job, or losing myself drinking. I'm fixated on the idea of a time turner (used by Hermione in Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban that allowed her to be in two places at once).


I know I need to find a way to move past this and let it be something that makes me stronger and kinder, but I don't know how.

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I know this is a bit unfocused. Has anyone been through anything similar?


It is getting to a point where I'll need to go to medical professionals again, but honestly the time and money involved in doing that is stressing me out quite a bit.


I suppose I'm reaching out to maybe get some insight from other's life experiences

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What about support groups for survivors? Perhaps they have healing insight considering they have been through this. Most groups like this are free and may help you see it through the eyes of others further along the road of healing.

It is getting to a point where I'll need to go to medical professionals again, but honestly the time and money involved in doing that is stressing me out quite a bit.
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