Leftover guilt for how I treated my ex...

[Kaykayxo]

First off, the relationship ended a few years ago because he moved away, and we were both 18 so still very young. I have since been with someone else long term and I have no feelings for him/never really did following the split. I just have lingering feelings about the way I treated him. It was my first relationship but I was such a troll. He was such a nice individual, so kind, never said a bad word to me no matter what I did. I also cheated on him once. I can't believe I did this bc with my current partner I would never cheat...also my ex still reaches out once and awhile and it makes me sad bc he still doesn't see bad in me. 6 months ago he messaged me out of the blue telling me he still never found anyone he wanted like me. It's weird bc I seriously know he wasn't the one (can tell by the way I treated him) but seems like he hasn't moved on in some ways, idk how he hasn't considering how brutal I was. I just find it so hard sometimes. I feel like I am not entitled to be happy or have good relationships because I don't deserve them, I hurt him and disrespected him over and over at the time and he still is nothing but kind. I never said anything to him. I never apoligized. I think it would be selfish now for me to open that can of worms, just for my own closure/to stop my guilt.

I just wonder how you can redeem yourself from inflicting pain on another person I want to feel better but I can never reverse what I did. If he messages me again in passing I feel like I should truly apologize (which I never did) but I don't know if I should say anything... We aren't in constant contact by any means BTW, once and awhile he will text me something out of the blue. Kind of "checking up" I guess.

[Fancycouch]

I have went through this also. I was also young and cheated once. I broke up with him because that night i realized he didn't deserve this. He has messaged me trying to catch up and small talk like yours has to yOu.

 

How i redeemed myself to...myself was that ome day during a chit chat i asked him

"What do you think about cheating?"

 

And he spoke of how he believes no one should ever and the thought sickens him, but he said he knows some people make mistakes and still be a good person. Alchohol happens, and heat of the moment happens. (Even though drinking wasn't involved) He also told me he would never want to know if someone does once, as long as it was once. So i never told him.

 

But knowing from an outside view he understands and still accepts me. Made me feel better of myself. That is how i did it, and i believe it should also apply to you

[Kaykayxo]

Thanks for sharing! My ex knew all along (I told him right away and he was adamant we would get past it) kinda makes me feel bad but what you are saying he said is true..everybody slips up sometimes. I guess there is no use being hard on ourselves about it.

[Fancycouch]

Yes! Of course. Personally, i feel good about myself. And i hope you do too, a mistake is a mistake, and you know it is something you won't do. Have faith in yourself. If he forgives you, you should also. You deserve it

[Wiseman2]

Why haven't you blocked him? Perhaps he didn't care that much or is just a forgive/forget type person for his won sake. Clearly he's gotten over it and doesn't really care or harbor a grudge.

 

It's time to stop thinking about ways to continue to try to cremate him to get his attention. Have you considered that he's just not that broken up over you?. Leave the guy alone and if you think you were so bad to him/feel guilty, etc. then just improve your moral compass and reconcile within yourself.

I think it would be selfish now for me to open that can of worms, just for my own closure/to stop my guilt.

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