My wife is attracted to our best friend

[DrawnToLife]

I think i may be reaching the end of my tether, and am hoping this forum may help me straighten my feelings out a bit. I've never posted on a forum before, so please be gentle!

 

I have been in the most wonderful marriage for the last 10 years, but this year things have changed and i don't think I'm dealing with it very well. Up until now i truly thought that we had the best relationship in the world. We are very demonstrative with our affections, we want the same things out of life, we have two beautiful children and our sex life has always been incredible. But this year we had a change in our work situations - my wife went full time with her job in order for me to pursue my freelance career. This meant that i was at home with the kids while she commuted to work every day. Her job and the commute began to drain her, and i noticed that she was not as happy as she had been.

 

I was trying hard to keep up with things at home and my freelance career, and our relationship began to lose it's fizzle. I then started noticing that she was very drawn to our best friend. He is married too, and we (along with 2 other couples) are very close, and spend most of our social life together. But i noticed my wife spent a lot of time with my best friend (lets call him John) on nights out. They would always end up together, having long hushed conversations. One night i confronted her about it, and she admitted that yes, she did have feelings for him and found him very attractive.

 

I felt like the rug had been pulled out from under me, and became very emotional. The next day i looked through her phone (something i'd never DREAM of doing before) and found some quite intimate texts.There was nothing overtly sexual, but it was clear that she was starting an emotional affair. The one that destroyed me was her simply saying 'you're lovely', to which he replied ;no you're lovely. I'm just an idiot'. I confronted her about these too, and so began an awful summer of us trying to process everything.

 

She told me that through her unhappiness at our situation she began looking elsewhere for comfort, and John just became an unattainable fantasy. She assured me that she loved me, and that it was just a crush. She was committed to us, and we both started to try and work it out. But we carried on seeing John and his wife. In fact me, John and my wife play in a band together which is very hard. She loves his songwriting (i write songs too, though they're not as good!) and i often find her listening to his stuff. Things began to get better, and she assured me that though she still found him attractive, she finds me attractive too, and our relationship is precious and rare and she wouldn't do anything to jeapordize it. She says she has a handle on her feelings, he's not a threat to us and there is nothing to worry about. But i still find it so hard to be around them.

 

He is maturing into an extremely attractive man - my wife has always had a thing for silver hair and beards, both of which John now sports with aplomb! I just need to accept her attraction to him, and also accept her love for me and her commitment to our marriage, but it's hard. Some evenings i will become withdrawn if i see them even talking to each other,and then she gets upset because she feels like she is being monitored. Sometimes i will break down and explain how i feel, and she reassures me that i am all she wants out of life and i feel better for a while. But i feel like the more i break down on her, the more unattractive i will start to become, and the better prospect John will be. Yesterday i sent her a long email explaining how much i love her and how much she means to me. She said it was beautiful but made her cry in the office. She also said she felt pressure that she had to live up to those things that i spelled out in the email, but i worry that she really feels pressure in loving me back as much as i love her.

 

It's affecting my work - i have huge deadlines but am spending time spilling my heart out to strangers on forums! I can't talk to her because i'm emotionally draining her, i can't talk to any of our friends because we are all so close, and i just feel very lost. I've always been a happy, well adjusted man, but i'm beginning to lose track of myself, and worry that i am becoming someone who my wife will find very hard to love.

[greta96]

To put it bluntly, your wife is looking to cheat on you with your blessing, and that's not right or fair to you. No, you don't just need to accept her attraction to him, unless you are a doormat! And trust me, the more you bend over backwards to please and accommodate her and her selfish emotional affair, the more they will step all over you and the sooner you will have to put up with a physical affair as well (if it hasn't happened already).

"She told me that through her unhappiness at our situation she began looking elsewhere for comfort, and John just became an unattainable fantasy." This is so much BS! Unhappiness at what situation exactly? That she had to get a full time job? You do realize that most of us have to have full time jobs to survive, right? Not many of us can afford to stay at home or work part time, and yes, life does take a toll and it gets tiring but it's what life is, it doesn't mean we all have to have affairs to deal with it! And you may want to rethink the part where John was just an "unattainable fantasy"...from where I stand, he looks pretty attainable and as real as it gets!

 

Time to take off the gloves and stop being "mr. nice guy" because this woman has no respect for you and like I said, she wants to have her cake and eat it too, only with your full blessing. And come to think about it, John is not such a good friend to you either, I mean....he's making moves on your wife and cheating on his own wife in the process!

You need to open your eyes, man up, demand respect from her and from him. Of course you can't make them stop the affair, if that's what they are determined to pursue. But you can stop playing a part in it by making your position crystal clear and being firm about it. You need to do this IN PERSON, not by email (seriously, she is your WIFE, I'd like to think you can sit her down at home and TALK to her face to face!), and let her know that you are drawing some boundaries, and that you refuse to be a bystander and look at their affair from the outside. She has the choice of either pursuing this affair, in which case you are separating and the marriage is over, or doing the right thing by giving up the affair and actually focusing on trying to fix your marriage - counseling included.

Then, you tell John that this "friendship" is over, because you don't need friends who hit on your wife. I get it, you're a group of friends, etc, but do you really need this type of friends?

 

In short, stop being a victim and start asserting healthy boundaries. Nobody likes or respects pushovers, and you've been one up until now. It's time to change the pattern and take control of your life!

[tyler876]

It seems really hard but as you are madly in love with her, you seem to accept way too much than you should. Im sorry to tell you this but john is a really bad friend and husband to his wife. And your wife love you but is overwhelmed by her unattainable fantasy. You should tell her if she really loves you she need to prove it. Either she anf you get John out of your life completely or im sorry to say that but its over. You are putting yourself in too much pain for her. I know you love her but you need to stop being in a situation that is only leaving you breaking. I can only say im really sorry you seem like a really loving man all the best and may you be blessed

[MissCanuck]

This John is not your friend.

 

Your wife already jeopardized your marriage.

 

You need to start putting your foot down. The two of them don't have any respect for you, and are basically making you look like a fool. You and John simply won't be able to continue in your band, or even hanging out. He is dishonest and disloyal. Tell his wife what has happened - she deserves to know that her husband and your wife are not to be trusted.

 

You and your wife need marriage counseling, immediately. Stop allowing her to call all the shots; stop accepting her ridiculous excuses for her emotional affair. If she won't agree to this, then your marriage is coming to an end.

[RainyCoast]

tell her she can book a marriage counselor or a real estate broker because you're not going to have Dreaming of John with my husband's support under your roof.

 

the fact she's making excuses for her behavior and getting you to accept it makes it ten times worse and i'd have packed her stuff for the nerve to take me for a doormat alone.

[beyondspace]

Hi,

 

I actually came on to post a question but ended up reading your thread instead ;D

 

Take my advice from the position that I am seeking to save your marriage. You admitted that your wife confessed wanting comfort in a difficult stressful situation and John became this source. However, over the ten years of your marriage, John was never a source of comfort for her. You, her husband, has been the only one. I know how easy it is to seek comfort when things are getting rough in life because I almost entered a relationship with a guy who is already in a long distance relationship with someone else. He never revealed this to me until recently when instead of giving him the usual attention and affections, I pushed for something more solid.

 

Looking at this from a wider perspective if I stayed his friend or in contact with him, then the end result would have hurt us all. Cutting off ties is the best way to go in these situations because I am sure no one plans to be a jerk when it comes to relationships, sometimes you just fall when things get tough.

 

If you are willing to save your marriage with your wife, I would suggest the following tips;

 

1. Both yourself and wife should go for a vacation and spend time alone, give her lots of attention and affection. - rekindle the honeymoon scenario.

2. Wife must stop all contact with John by phone messages, delete and block his number, or even change her number. There needs to be a distance between her and John, which she is willing to demonstrate by speaking less to him or none at all....even if it means quitting the band.

3. Wife must let John know that she made a mistake and loves her husband above anyone else, and requests that John accepts and respects this.

 

I hope all works out for you, attraction can be dangerous but it's not uncontrollable. Goodluck.

[Rising100]

I came here willing to give advice but after reading it all... I have no idea what I would do in your situation.

I dont know if I could forgive her, look for counceling or just say f*** it all.

 

But I do agree that john is not your friend.

I would suggest finding other friends you can reach out to, even if its just to get ur mind off things... But they have to be outside if this little circle between john, his wife and your wife.

And john's wife should know about this, that little probably thinks he can do your wife and his wife wont find out anything about it.

 

Make sure you find ways to relieve stress, you dont want this to affect your job.

Years ago when my gf cheated on me, going running was what helped me release all my stress and I was able to deal with the situation without destroying me.

[DrawnToLife]

Thanks for your replies. I think i may have given the wrong impression. John is a good friend to me , and i did confront him. I told him i was uncomfortable with his relationship with my wife, and he told me there was absolutely nothing to worry about. It is purely a friendship, and he would never do anything further. He apologised for the texts, and admitted it was just a little flirty, but nothing more. He was going through hard times in his marriage too. His wife also knows everything. She and my wife have talked about it all, and she completely accepts my wife's relationship with her husband. I'm not sure whether john knows that my wife is attracted to him - probably, but i am attracted to other people too. But i can't get past it. I will be sad and my wife asks me whats wrong. I tell her i am uncomfortable with her attraction to John and she gets exasparated, and says that she has always found other men attractive, but it's nothing compared to what we have. She values our marriage very highly, loves me and also finds me attractive. But she says we can't keep having the same conversation over and over again, and her trying to reassure me that there is NO threat from John is exhausting her and it is making it hard to love me. I have tried to come to the conclusion that attraction happens, and if i keep being like this i will drive the most important thing in my life away. I wouldn't know what i would do without her - aside from the children and the house, she is my whole life, and makes me so happy. But i'm finding it hard at the moment. I work from home, and all week i sit in my studio going over things in my head. I know that if we separate ourselves from John (and our entire social life) she will feel deprived and unhappy, and i can't be the one to provide her with ALL the happiness. She had an odd upbringing and very little friends - she has only just found a social group she feels comfortable with, and i don't want her to be deprived of that. I want her to be happy, and i think if i can find a way to accept the fact that there will always be attractive men around, then i can come to some sort of peace with the situation. She hasn't done anything wrong, so i can't be angry with her. John hasn't really done anything wrong either, but every time he is in the room i feel diminished somehow, which is becoming a self fulfilling prophecy.

[Doc Blaze]

Thanks for your replies. I think i may have given the wrong impression. John is a good friend to me , and i did confront him. I told him i was uncomfortable with his relationship with my wife, and he told me there was absolutely nothing to worry about. It is purely a friendship, and he would never do anything further. He apologised for the texts, and admitted it was just a little flirty, but nothing more. He was going through hard times in his marriage too

 

 

 

this is sugarcoated BS, IMO it comes off as telling you what you want to hear.

[Rising100]

A "good" friend doesnt flirt with your girlfriend or wife.

A good friend is "your" friend, not your gf or wife's friend.

A good friend respects you, your gf/wife and your family.

 

Now to your wife, she cant get mad for how you feel or the way you are acting.

All this s*** is happening because she planted the seed of doubt in you.

 

They are telling you nothing happened and nothing is happening but... Is it true?

 

Look man, your situation is tough because you are confused from both sides. I suggest you clear your mind and hang in there, get to the bottom of this situation because it cant keep going like this.

If you find out you been lied to, dont feel bad or shame, it has happened to many of us.

And if someone did, its their loss NOT YOURS. They are the ones that f***** up, not you.