Is he really scared or trying to let me down easy?

[confused198828]

I've been talking to this guy for just a a couple of weeks. We've messaged eachother and also called. We ran into eachother in Facebook under "people you may know". He sent me a reauest and knowing who he was(we went to middle school together), I accepted and it started from there.

Our conversation started casual and the usual "how have you been?" and things like that. Then we started flirting and he just sent pics(that I didn't care to see) and I confronted him about it. He seemed to respect it and apologized. Well, the more we talked, the more we found we have in common. Not that we know eachother too well or anything obviously but we do have similar interests(so far). The last 3 to 4 says we've talked over the phone. He said my voice sounds "sexy". And i just took it as a compliment. And i said thanks. We talked about possibly meeting and stuff but I don't know what happened. He told me he was going to play poker with some buddies and he was going to go cab around(pick up the guys since theyre older). He's a vet so i took it that they were just buddies of his that have also been in service. Well anyway, this happened on Friday afternoon. He told me he'd sneak away from the game for a few to call me. Never did. Saturday rolls around. I don't hear a word from him. His aunt apparently ended up with his phone that evening cause she found it in her truck. She was in the next state so I didn't hear from him until Sunday evening. He told me what happened and asked for my number in case something like that were to happen again. And that "you never know why I may need to call you". Monday, I send him 3 messages. He acted like he was ignoring me and I was just wondering what was going on. He flips out on me telling me that "I need to calm down and we need to put ourselves straight into the friends zone because this is getting out of hand real fast and that I'm blowing up on him just because he's working trying to make money". I didnt know he was working. He didn't tell me anything. Not that he's obligated to but would've been nice instead of me wondering what was going on then him snapping at me. Anyway, I apologized and told him I didn't mean to. That was that. Yesterday, I sent a sincere apology message but he never replied. Today, I was getting curious and asked if he stopped talking because we weren't going to have sex. He finally sent a message back saying "not at all. this went from 0-100 way too fast and I want to be friends and needed to distance myself". I told him how sorry I was for how it turned out. And i again, apologized and told him I feel really bad about it. He said "Dont. I just got scared and need a bit". I just thanked him for letting me know. That was that. Judging by this story, what does he mean he got scared and needs a bit? We're good for a couple weeks then he just completely backed off. We haven't talked(like the usual) since Friday. Please help!?

[confused198828]

Since I can't find the "edit" option, I wanted to add that the second week of talking, he said he wants to be close to me and I guess he's told me a couple things that no one else can know. And that he feels a connection. But after all of this said, why would he suddenly get scared and say we were moving too fast? No "I love yous" or anything like that were even exchanged of course so I don't understand what happened.

[RainyCoast]

he just sent pics(that I didn't care to see) and I confronted him about it. He seemed to respect it and apologized.

 

what kind of pics are we talking?

[confused198828]

The pics he sent wasn't of his private part but close. He wanted to show me his "v" he was about to get from working out and this happened during our "flirting" times but once I told him I don't feel comfortable with that, he stopped and said he felt awkward and apologized.

[zeino]

Stop apologizing, stop communicating. For whatever reason he felt suffocated. This isn't your fault exactly but see the impact of your behavour on this immature person and back off. YOu sound like a reasonable woman. He was up for a bit of sexting probably, you took him too seriously (not your fault completely, but you obviously ignored some signs, the photos that deserved an apology). Then you both lost control. He tried to avoid, it didn't work because you were chasing (probably thinking you were doing the right, proper, mature, responsible thing). Then he flips! What is this? Is this a baby?

 

Why did you so quickly attach to a person with the red flags you have written about? If it's his charm, well, you have seen where it leads to. This isn't the ideal charm you want in your life. It just approximates it. Are you attached to the idea of what he could be instead of who he is?

 

I think he is even manipulating you to a degree even if he isn't aware of this. When someone says something like we must go back to friendship zone asap etc, they are avoiding us yes but at the same time, this gives us the covert message that they feel strongly about us (otherwise, why take such drastic measures?). So we stay attached or we stay in the dynamic with this hope. Bullcrap really. The closeness/faked intimacy is probably a way to ensure attraction, too. Maybe he is just mirroring you.

 

In my experience, worthy men don't do these things. Either people with some difficulties (commitmentphobes, avoidants, predators etc) do these, or men with a girlfriend or fiance etc.

 

Is this how you would treat a woman if you were him? I don't think so. You deserve someone whose behaviour would approximate your answer to this question.

 

Do you know anything about his relationship history?

 

So far what you have experienced with him seems to be based on crossed sexual boundaries but not meeting, apologies everywhere but no real intimacy and avoidance and a bad temper.

[Tinydance]

Well initially I thought he sent penis photos and I was thinking that all he really wanted was just some fun - casual sex or even maybe only sexy pictures and sexting/cyber sex, because some people just enjoy that with no strings. I guess since he didn't send actual penis pictures, that isn't as bad, but at the same time people don't normally start sending any kinds of sexy or suggestive pictures to someone they've only talked to for a week or two unless their main agenda was sex/sexual things. So what probably happened was that he just wanted some casual fun, but you actually wanted to go on dates, and he was picking up on that. So he just got freaked out coz he really didn't want anything serious. I don't think you did anything wrong coz he said he would meet up with you, but then he was ignoring you, so naturally you just wanted to know what was going on. I think maybe just delete him now coz he sounds a bit rude and flakey and if all he wanted was sex then why do you need him anyway?

[RainyCoast]

he went straight to flirting, suggesting you're sexy and sending body pics to someone he hasn't seen or spoken to since middle school, which should tell you how much of an interest he has in taking women more than casually.

 

so yeah, he freaked out when you expected more.

 

pass.

[greta96]

He wanted sex, realized you wanted much more than that and he backed off. He is not "scared" or anything like that, you are just not what he's looking for on that dating site.

Next!

[MissCanuck]

Nah, he's not scared.

 

He was looking for sexting buddy and when he realized that's not what you were after, he went elsewhere.

 

Don't bother trying to re-kindle this. He wasn't communicating with you for the reasons you'd hoped.

[BeenThereB4]

You have absolutely no reason to apologize to this man. You didn't want to have a meaningless sexual relationship with him and he has moved on. Stop communicating with him. It is pointless. Good for you to have behaved like a lady.

[reinventmyself]

He was testing you with the pictures and if you condoned it he would have sent more He was grooming you in a sense.

Seeing you weren't buying into it he's bailing and now trying to shame you for assuming he was a decent guy who actually wanted to get to know you.

 

He owes you an apology and not the other way around.

[Lucha]

I second all the above responses + wanted to add that you might want to not get too attached too quickly. Dating is hard if you need an explanation from every single guy you are texting/ calling with for a few weeks who suddenly decides to ghost you. It might not be very polite or mature but unfortunately 'fading out' or 'ghosting' is inherent to dating and it is best to not ask for explanations because you will get lousy excuses which will project the cause back on you "you have been too clingy" "this is going too fast". Better luck next time.

[katrina1980]

I second all the above responses + wanted to add that you might want to not get too attached too quickly. Dating is hard if you need an explanation from every single guy you are texting/ calling with for a few weeks who suddenly decides to ghost you. It might not be very polite or mature but unfortunately 'fading out' or 'ghosting' is inherent to dating and it is best to not ask for explanations because you will get lousy excuses which will project the cause back on you "you have been too clingy" "this is going too fast". Better luck next time.

 

Agree with this^^ and all the others, but one piece of advice that hasn't been mentioned.

 

When you text a guy, you wait for him to text you back, you don't continue texting him (I read three times in a row on Monday).

 

That's too much and I think that may have been the 'straw that broke the camel's back' so to speak.

 

He seemed quite annoyed by that (frankly I would be too if a guy I had never met sent me three texts in a row in one day).

 

It's a bit obsessive TBH.... sorry.

 

Anyway, apparently he felt suffocated by that, that's what he meant by 0-100 too fast. His immediate reaction was to catapult you into the dreaded "friendzone."

 

Slow it down, let him come to you, especially in early stages and ESPECIALLY since you had never even met in person.

 

Okay to text him, but not three times in a row. Wait for his response, then respond back.

 

That said, I think you are probably better off.

 

Any guy who sends you "those" type of pics straight away gets immediately blocked and deleted in my world.

 

Finally, to answer your question, no he's not "scared." More like "turned off."

 

Too much too soon.

[Lucha]

Agree with this^^ and all the others, but one piece of advice that hasn't been mentioned.

 

When you text a guy, you wait for him to text you back, you don't continue texting him (I read three times in a row on Monday).

 

That's too much and I think that may have been the 'straw that broke the camel's back' so to speak.

 

He seemed quite annoyed by that (frankly I would be too if a guy I had never met sent me three texts in a row in one day).

 

It's a bit obsessive TBH.... sorry.

 

Anyway, apparently he felt suffocated by that, that's what he meant by 0-100 too fast. His immediate reaction was to catapult you into the dreaded "friendzone."

 

Slow it down, let him come to you, especially in early stages and ESPECIALLY since you had never even met in person.

 

Okay to text him, but not three times in a row. Wait for his response, then respond back.

 

That said, I think you are probably better off.

 

Any guy who sends you "those" type of pics straight away gets immediately blocked and deleted in my world.

 

Finally, to answer your question, no he's not "scared." More like "turned off."

 

Too much too soon.

 

I would like to state that if two people are really into eachother, no amount of 'overtexting' can cool the love I remember calling with an ex girlfriend every night for six hours straight for weeks. That is a little obsessive and weird but it didn't freak either of us out.

 

I've also experienced people overtexting or overcalling me, if I were into them I'd think it's cute, if they don't get too 'angry' because I didn't respond within a few hours.

 

But in general, I agree with the advice of not sending multiple texts in a row about the same thing.

 

There can indeed be something like too much, too soon.

[katrina1980]

I would like to state that if two people are really into eachother, no amount of 'overtexting' can cool the love I remember calling with an ex girlfriend every night for six hours straight for weeks. That is a little obsessive and weird but it didn't freak either of us out.

 

I've also experienced people overtexting or overcalling me, if I were into them I'd think it's cute, if they don't get too 'angry' because I didn't respond within a few hours.

 

I actually agree with you, when we're really into someone, they can do almost NO wrong, everything is charming, cute.

 

I have actually double texted myself (never tripled texted) before him responding back, NOT from insecurity or anxiety, but because I genuinely had something to share with him, like a funny joke or sending him a song I just heard, stuff like that.

 

But we had been going out awhile and had both admitted to really liking each other.... so that's why I felt okay doing that.

 

 

But in general, I agree with the advice of not sending multiple texts in a row about the same thing.

 

There can indeed be something like too much, too soon.

 

Well, thanks for agreeing with me on that at least.

 

In OP's case, they had not even met yet, nor did she even know how he felt.

 

This is NOT the time to be "blowing up his phone" (as he put it), with multiple texts in a roll, especially while he is at work.

 

Clearly he got very annoyed, felt suffocated (and maybe pressured) hence his remark about going from 0-100 too fast.

 

So yeah as a general rule, probably best to not do it.

[Sportster2005]

How crappy to you need to be treated before you tell these losers to bugger off?