Falling for a friend who is going through a bad divorce/custody battle

[lonelyhearted]

There is so much to my situation, it's hard to know where to start. I am 41 years old and have not been in a relationship since a devastating break up 17 years ago. i have self worth problems and have allowed myself to gain a lot of weight. i am currently working on losing 100 pounds, but friends always tell me like i don't look like i am that heavy.

i have a male friend i have known since he started working at the same place with me 10 years ago. He is 15 years younger than me. i have always been fond of him as he has such a amazing personality and values. He's mature for his age in many ways. Anyway, we knew each other and hung out a bit for years until about 3 years ago, he disappeared. Last June, he calls me out of the blue to help him find a puppy. It turns out he had joined the Army, then married a girl who had become pregnant by him. During her pregnancy, his wife's brother commited suicide. after that, she literally flew off her hinges. She became very narcissistic, abusive verbally and physically to not only my friend, but would punch herself in the belly while she was pregnant. Once their son was born, she abused him. After she attacked my friend and his son with a knife, he filed a restraining order against his wife and separated from her. The judge awarded sole custody to his wife despite the abuse. since then, my friend lives with nightmares and anxiety attacks every day. He only gets to see his son for a hour once per week, supervised. He is suffering from depression and a broken heart. Last September, he began working at the same place I do again. we began to hang out at least twice per week. He tells me i am the only woman he trusts and is comfortable with. He's always been a bit flirty and loves to hug, so that was all normal. However, in the last few months, things have begun to change. He asks me to come see him on days he works and i don't, his hugs are longer and he rubs my back while hugging me. He tells me everything, even things he tells no one else. He seems to find ways to touch me more and more. Showing me different moves he learned in the army, rubs my back, even running his fingers through my hair on the back of my neck. We went on a road trip recently and he allowed me to put my head on his shoulder while he drove my car for me. i even put my arm around the front of his waist as he drove when he took turns a bit fast. He seemed to like this, so he kept on driving this way and even faking things so i'd hold on more. When people see us together, they sometimes mistake us as a couple. The signs go on and on. I am beginning to really fall for him now, but i know he is emotionally guarded. Probably even unavailable completely. He does not have a phone right now. Only has wifi at home. so, he's hard to get a hold of. He doesn't really message me and when I message him, he only gives quick replies if he replies at all. Yet, when i see him, he's always happy to see me. When we're together, he always asks if i want him to get me anything to eat or drink. He knows i am losing weight, so he's careful to get me something low sugar etc. He'll ask if i am cold etc. some days, he's more "protective" than others. Two days after our trip, he was really odd. showing a bit of affection one second, while being a bit cold the next. we had had a really deep conversation about things in our past and what is going on with him now. i told him I am emotionally invested in him and care about his well being. I have told him several times that i care about him. I've even told him about some bad things that happened to me that I've never told anyone else. Our relationship feels much closer than just friends at times. I really think he is feeling something for me, but I don't know what that something is. If someone mistakes us as a couple, he doesn't correct them. He just laughs. He's always including me when he talks to people about certain things too. Yet, whenever we say goodbye, it's a hug and a see you later. I know he's going through a lot right now and I don't want to push him into something that neither of us are ready for. I really care deeply about him and if there's a chance we could have a relationship down the road, I want to give it every chance possible. Does it sound like I am just being too hopeful or does it sound like he may have feelings for me? what should I do?

[Tinydance]

Well I think unless you are falling for him so much that you're imagining or projecting all the signs he's giving you, I would say there are signs there that he could like you more than a friend. How long has this guy been separated from his ex-wife? I'm not trying to be negative but I think you also need to be realistic and careful that your friend may be sad, lonely and vulnerable and that he may be turning to you for support, care and love because he's so miserable. But also he may have genuine feelings for you too but I'm just saying be careful and try not to fall in love with him too fast unless you know he feels the same about you. I really think that now you've been spending a lot of time together and been so affectionate towards each other that maybe you should just tell him that you have feelings for him and ask him if he feels the same. I mean, you're already falling for him so you can't be just friends with him now anyway, so maybe it's better to know what he thinks about your relationship and if he would like to take it further.

[Ms Darcy]

There is so much to my situation, it's hard to know where to start. I am 41 years old and have not been in a relationship since a devastating break up 17 years ago. i have self worth problems and have allowed myself to gain a lot of weight. i am currently working on losing 100 pounds, but friends always tell me like i don't look like i am that heavy.

 

100 extra pounds is obese to morbidly obese. You need to focus on you and loving yourself first and foremost by getting healthy. Work with a doctor and nutritionist.

 

I can see you falling into unrequited love with this guy and eating yourself to an early grave due to rejection. Keep your head above water hon.

[SherrySher]

It sounds as though he is relying on you as a good friend, but either he doesn't feel the same way back or is not ready for a relationship.

He has gone through an immense amount of trauma..is he receiving counselling or on any kind of medications for it? I also hope you really can lose the weight as it can be very detrimental to your health down the road, and you will feel better in every way if you can lose it, and to get counselling as well for the low self esteem issues. Good for you though in working towards getting better!

I'm not saying it's impossible that you two could become a couple, but in my opinion, for now anyhow, both of you need to heal the problems that are plaguing you both at the moment. I think it would be better for both of you if you considered moving this friendship to more possibly down the road. Though you do have a good basis for now. but for the moment it sounds like bad timing.

Don't let that dismay you though, you both can get stronger and more healthier and down the road it could be exactly what you're hoping for. I hope you keep reaching for your goals and eventually find your dreams.

[lvlv5]

There is so much to my situation, it's hard to know where to start. I am 41 years old and have not been in a relationship since a devastating break up 17 years ago. i have self worth problems and have allowed myself to gain a lot of weight. i am currently working on losing 100 pounds, but friends always tell me like i don't look like i am that heavy.

i have a male friend i have known since he started working at the same place with me 10 years ago. He is 15 years younger than me. i have always been fond of him as he has such a amazing personality and values. He's mature for his age in many ways. Anyway, we knew each other and hung out a bit for years until about 3 years ago, he disappeared. Last June, he calls me out of the blue to help him find a puppy. It turns out he had joined the Army, then married a girl who had become pregnant by him. During her pregnancy, his wife's brother commited suicide. after that, she literally flew off her hinges. She became very narcissistic, abusive verbally and physically to not only my friend, but would punch herself in the belly while she was pregnant. Once their son was born, she abused him. After she attacked my friend and his son with a knife, he filed a restraining order against his wife and separated from her. The judge awarded sole custody to his wife despite the abuse. since then, my friend lives with nightmares and anxiety attacks every day. He only gets to see his son for a hour once per week, supervised. He is suffering from depression and a broken heart. Last September, he began working at the same place I do again. we began to hang out at least twice per week. He tells me i am the only woman he trusts and is comfortable with. He's always been a bit flirty and loves to hug, so that was all normal. However, in the last few months, things have begun to change. He asks me to come see him on days he works and i don't, his hugs are longer and he rubs my back while hugging me. He tells me everything, even things he tells no one else. He seems to find ways to touch me more and more. Showing me different moves he learned in the army, rubs my back, even running his fingers through my hair on the back of my neck. We went on a road trip recently and he allowed me to put my head on his shoulder while he drove my car for me. i even put my arm around the front of his waist as he drove when he took turns a bit fast. He seemed to like this, so he kept on driving this way and even faking things so i'd hold on more. When people see us together, they sometimes mistake us as a couple. The signs go on and on. I am beginning to really fall for him now, but i know he is emotionally guarded. Probably even unavailable completely. He does not have a phone right now. Only has wifi at home. so, he's hard to get a hold of. He doesn't really message me and when I message him, he only gives quick replies if he replies at all. Yet, when i see him, he's always happy to see me. When we're together, he always asks if i want him to get me anything to eat or drink. He knows i am losing weight, so he's careful to get me something low sugar etc. He'll ask if i am cold etc. some days, he's more "protective" than others. Two days after our trip, he was really odd. showing a bit of affection one second, while being a bit cold the next. we had had a really deep conversation about things in our past and what is going on with him now. i told him I am emotionally invested in him and care about his well being. I have told him several times that i care about him. I've even told him about some bad things that happened to me that I've never told anyone else. Our relationship feels much closer than just friends at times. I really think he is feeling something for me, but I don't know what that something is. If someone mistakes us as a couple, he doesn't correct them. He just laughs. He's always including me when he talks to people about certain things too. Yet, whenever we say goodbye, it's a hug and a see you later. I know he's going through a lot right now and I don't want to push him into something that neither of us are ready for. I really care deeply about him and if there's a chance we could have a relationship down the road, I want to give it every chance possible. Does it sound like I am just being too hopeful or does it sound like he may have feelings for me? what should I do?

I would just be careful trying to read into things, you are enjoying his company because you feel needed and male energy is something you long for but are scared to...you may just pity him for all the things he's been through and mistake it for romantic love.

[BeenThereB4]

It seems like you may be reading into things. I think you are being honest with yourself when you say he is probably unavailable completely. That said, there is nothing wrong with the two of you being supportive friends. He is sincerely supporting you in your efforts to lose weight. This is what a good friend does. You can be a good friend to him by helping him to focus on getting sole custody of his son, who is in danger right now. If things are as bad as he describes, his sole focus should be protecting his son.

 

Might there be a future for the two of you? Perhaps. But right now, you need to focus on your physical health and he needs to focus on his child.

 

Good luck to you!

[lonelyhearted]

I really think that now you've been spending a lot of time together and been so affectionate towards each other that maybe you should just tell him that you have feelings for him and ask him if he feels the same. I mean, you're already falling for him so you can't be just friends with him now anyway, so maybe it's better to know what he thinks about your relationship and if he would like to take it further.

 

i appreciate your comments. IT's certainly possible I am reading into things. it has been a long time since i have had a male friend. i cut myself off of most friends years ago due to having been used too many times. I don't want to say anything to him. I don't want to scare him and lose him as a friend. I will just need to cool my heels so to speak and see where it all goes.

[lonelyhearted]

100 extra pounds is obese to morbidly obese. You need to focus on you and loving yourself first and foremost by getting healthy. Work with a doctor and nutritionist.

 

I can see you falling into unrequited love with this guy and eating yourself to an early grave due to rejection. Keep your head above water hon.

 

 

I was 27 pounds heavier a few months ago. I am doing all I can to lose the weight. I have a few health issues that make weight loss tough. i have been fighting it all my life. This time feels different. I am not going to give up. I am working with my doctor. i am on some medications that are helping. I am not someone who eats out of depression or stress. If that were the case, I'd be gaining weight right now! LOL I think helping my friend is giving me something else to focus on rather than my own problems. i know i am putting myself in a very emotional spot, but i feel strongly that I nee to be there for him. i'll just need to bury these feelings before they get out of control. I needed the perspective of others to help reign me in. Thank you.

[lonelyhearted]

It sounds as though he is relying on you as a good friend, but either he doesn't feel the same way back or is not ready for a relationship.

He has gone through an immense amount of trauma..is he receiving counselling or on any kind of medications for it? I also hope you really can lose the weight as it can be very detrimental to your health down the road, and you will feel better in every way if you can lose it, and to get counselling as well for the low self esteem issues. Good for you though in working towards getting better!

I'm not saying it's impossible that you two could become a couple, but in my opinion, for now anyhow, both of you need to heal the problems that are plaguing you both at the moment. I think it would be better for both of you if you considered moving this friendship to more possibly down the road. Though you do have a good basis for now. but for the moment it sounds like bad timing.

Don't let that dismay you though, you both can get stronger and more healthier and down the road it could be exactly what you're hoping for. I hope you keep reaching for your goals and eventually find your dreams.

 

Exactly Sherry. He is going through a lot. That's why I don't know how to interpret what is going on between us. i have days where I can think much more rationally and other days where my heart just takes over and drives me crazy. My friend is not seeing a counselor. I keep trying to work on getting him to, but he has no money. All his assets and accounts are frozen due to the divorce. He is on anti anxiety medication, but for some crazy reason, the doctor doesn't think he needs to be on depression medication. He really needs that the most.

As for me, I am working on the weight loss. I saw a therapist for 18 months to try to help my own issues, then she commited suicide. That set me back quite a bit and I have not been able to afford to go to another therapist.

Thank you very much for posting. i will work on reigning in these crazy feelings and just see where things go.

[lonelyhearted]

I would just be careful trying to read into things, you are enjoying his company because you feel needed and male energy is something you long for but are scared to...you may just pity him for all the things he's been through and mistake it for romantic love.

 

True, i do pity him for what he is going through. He didn't deserve this. Yes, I do enjoy his company and I know he enjoys mine. I think you have a good understanding of what I am feeling. IT has been so long since I have loved a man. I am scared, but I can't see myself backing away. He does need me and I am not saying that because I want him to need me. He really does. I just hope I can control my feelings and put them aside so I can be there for him the way he needs it most.

[lonelyhearted]

It seems like you may be reading into things. I think you are being honest with yourself when you say he is probably unavailable completely. That said, there is nothing wrong with the two of you being supportive friends. He is sincerely supporting you in your efforts to lose weight. This is what a good friend does. You can be a good friend to him by helping him to focus on getting sole custody of his son, who is in danger right now. If things are as bad as he describes, his sole focus should be protecting his son.

 

Might there be a future for the two of you? Perhaps. But right now, you need to focus on your physical health and he needs to focus on his child.

Good luck to you!

 

I am trying to be honest with myself. Deep down, i know this isn't the right time. I have let my feelings go unchecked too long I think. Yours and others' posts are helping me to see this. That's what I needed to know. I am committed to being there for him in his fight to get his child. I just feel so helpless. i don't know how. He has good days, but most days, he's angry over his situation, is in disbelief of what his wife is doing to him and he feels utterly out of control. I give him words of encouragement. i make him go out with me so that he doesn't stay home and fall deeper into depression, but getting him to do things is often like trying to pull teeth. He can't fight for his son if he allows himself to fall apart.

Thanks for the help. You're right. We both need to focus on our own issues. How do I stop thinking about him constantly? How do I pick up and get back into focusing on me? I won't abandon him. I promised him that. But, i do need to stop torturing myself over him.

[lonelyhearted]

I forgot to answer your question about how long he's been separated from his wife. it's been about 9 months now. He has no feelings left for her. Not after what she put him through. But, he still torments himself with asking why. He's far from healed and probably won't really begin to heal until the divorce and custody fight is over. His wife keeps pushing the court date out. it was supposed to have been done with months ago, but everytime the date gets near, she postpones it. I don't get how the court can allow her to do this.

[ShatteredMan]

True, i do pity him for what he is going through. He didn't deserve this. Yes, I do enjoy his company and I know he enjoys mine. I think you have a good understanding of what I am feeling. IT has been so long since I have loved a man. I am scared, but I can't see myself backing away. He does need me and I am not saying that because I want him to need me. He really does. I just hope I can control my feelings and put them aside so I can be there for him the way he needs it most.

You need to leave this guy alone. Let him fix his own issues. He's a big boy.

 

Meanwhile, continue to work on yourself. You need to start meeting other people in positive places and settings.

 

What happens to YOU when he gets over this situation and moves on with someone his own age that he envisions a new future with? You will feel a pain like no other. I know because I had a situation like this year's ago with a woman that was 15 years younger than me.

 

I played therapist, allowed myself to fall for her while she worked through her issues, etc. As soon as she felt better, she moved on....and it hurt like hell....

 

Stop this fantasy before you start believing it, before you start investing in in it and then get ripped off emotionally and end up right back where you are today without him.

[lonelyhearted]

You need to leave this guy alone. Let him fix his own issues. He's a big boy.

 

Meanwhile, continue to work on yourself. You need to start meeting other people in positive places and settings.

 

What happens to YOU when he gets over this situation and moves on with someone his own age that he envisions a new future with? You will feel a pain like no other. I know because I had a situation like this year's ago with a woman that was 15 years younger than me.

 

I played therapist, allowed myself to fall for her while she worked through her issues, etc. As soon as she felt better, she moved on....and it hurt like hell....

 

Stop this fantasy before you start believing it, before you start investing in in it and then get ripped off emotionally and end up right back where you are today without him.

 

You make some very good points. I really appreciate yours and everyone else's responses. I've thought long and hard about this all weekend and I am sure you are all right. I'm reading way too much into things. i will still be here for him if he needs me, but otherwise, I am going to take several steps back for awhile so i can refocus on myself and take my heart back. Thank you so much.