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Is there a chance here or should I hit the ground running?


Ivegonemad

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Hey guys! First off, I just wanna thank everyone on this site. It's awesome to know I have somewhere to get advice that's not sugar-coated, but real and to the point. Thanks for caring enough to read this.

 

So, I've posted about this pseudo-relationship I've been in over the past month with this guy a few times on here. Things have really come to an impasse and I feel like I'm at a crossroads, completely confused on which way to go.

 

 

As my last post indicated, recently our communication has become a lot less frequent. A lot could explain that, the novelty wears off, people get busy, ect. I tried my best to just take things as they came and not read into the fact that we weren't talking as much as before. Last Friday I didn't have my daughter. We decided to hang out that night, but only for a few hours as he had to get up early to help a friend move. He insinuated that if I spent the night as usual that he would get no rest and would be tired, and he was probably right. I obliged, and left his apartment after we hung out for about 5 hrs talking and just listening to music and cuddling on the couch. We kissed a bit, nothing got heavy, and when I left he told me he was really glad we "hung out like responsible adults" for once and that he really wants me to know that he doesn't invite me over solely to have sex. I felt mixed emotions about leaving that night, but I tried to chalk it up to my overthinking and just go on what he had said.

 

We met up later that week on Weds night after work, went out for dinner, he drove, paid, opened doors, and we talked and laughed and had a great time. We grabbed a 6 pack on our way back to his place and watched comedy videos on YouTube trying to make each other laugh, and showed each other all the new music we had discovered since last time we hung. It was a really enjoyable evening. Around midnight he said he was getting tired and asked if I was ready to go to bed. I agreed, so we went to his bedroom, fooled around for a bit, had sex and went to sleep as usual. He's not big into cuddling, so we cuddle for a while "after" and then I try to give him space for the rest of the night. However, this night I kept waking up to him rolling over and super close to me, pressing his head into my chest, and pretty much trying to spoon. It was really not like him but I enjoyed it.

 

In the morning my alarm went off, and I sat up in bed getting ready to get up and leave. He woke up and said suddenly "have a good day." very coldly. I told him I wasn't leaving just yet and did a couple things, got dressed and then went over and sat next to him on the bed to say goodbye. We usually kiss and hug for a bit and discuss when we will see each other next, but he laid there motionless. Again, in the same cold tone he said "Talk to you later." I bent over and kissed his forehead and he didn't even move. I left, and instead of feeling giddy and elated as I usually do, I felt horrid. Something was wrong.

 

Following that Weds I heard nothing from him. Since the day we met he texted me every day religiously. Finally on Saturday I sent him a text as I sat on the couch in tears asking if everything was ok. He replied "yeah why?" and I responded that I just hadn't heard from him. To this he told me that he had been super busy and was sorry. I think we all know that's the standard line that someone uses when they just haven't wanted to talk to you. I was a little salty and just told him it was fine, he needn't apologize, "I get it". No response.

 

So a couple more days pass and finally on Tuesday I sent the big goodbye, I opened up my heart, told him I knew it was over, wasn't sure why, but hoped he would find happiness bc I really care about him, and that I'm always here if he needs a friend. He replied again apologizing, saying that he has been so busy and "wanted to talk to me about things for weeks" but had been too busy to. He told me I'm an incredible person and his best friend in OH (he's new here) and he doesn't want to stop talking. To this I explained that I would be there for him if he needed a friend, but that I was really confused by how he just slowly stopped talking to me. I told him I wanted honesty and the truth so that I could have closure. He replied and told me that it's because I have a child, he thought he was ready for a relationship with someone who has a kid, but has since realized he isn't, he "got scared". I didn't respond this. I was, and still am, devastated. I was upfront from day one about the fact I have a daughter. She's in the profile picture that he 'swiped right' on. We talked about it the very first night and he had said he was nothing but cool with it. I NEVER pushed or pressured him to meet her, and never tried to get him to hang out with us. I wasn't looking to make him "daddy" as her father is still in her life. I felt like this was a huge and unfair cop out. I could say anything nice, so I didn't say anything to him until today.

 

I was going through my contacts and sending my "happy thanksgiving" texts to all my friends when his name popped up. I thought about him, all alone in his apartment today bc he has no family up here, and like an idiot sent him "Happy Thanksgiving!" He replied really quickly and said "Thanks, you too. I'm surprised to hear from you." I told him I was sorry, but it took me some time to process what he had said. He told me that he completely understood and then suggested we meet up sometime next week. I literally sat on the couch for an hour trying to understand this. I told him "Idk...we'll see." He told me to let him know.

 

I'm so confused. Is he changing his mind? Is he trying to make me his sex-buddy? I don't know if I should see him or not. Part of me really wants to so that we can just have a no holes barred conversation about everything, and at the very least I can say goodbye and have closure. Or maybe I can understand what it is that scares him so much about the fact that I have a child. The other part of me wants to just say no, let it go, move on. I'm afraid if I see him again I'll just keep falling and be right back in his trap again. PLEASE help me make sense of this whole thing. I don't get it at all.

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If you see NO future with this guy... already problems.. then WHY let it drag on??

 

Yes, he probably does want your company.. and I'd assume to get lucky. is that what YOU want?

 

As for closure.. dont expect it. And I don't know about your idea of 'being a friend' for him.. since you've crossed that line, already. Now.. it's maybe time to just back off.. and work on yourself again.. on your own?

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You're probably right. And logically it makes no sense to see him again. He's already said he's scared of being with someone who has a kid. Obviously that's not going to change. All of my friends have said the same thing, let him go, work on you, be alone. But there's just something about him that makes me so happy, so comfortable, I haven't felt like this about someone since I was in highschool. It's like part of me is willing to risk getting hurt worse for the tiny shred of hope that there might be some chance to be with him long term. My head and my heart are at odds and I don't know who to believe. He's broken, he's been hurt in the past so many times, it wouldn't be out of line to believe that he might be testing me. At the root of it all, I can honestly say that I've fallen for him, I love this guy, and even if it hurts me, if seeing me makes him happy I would do it in a heartbeat. I love to see him smile, to the point where if I could do something anonymously and just know that it made him happy, I would do it. It's not about me. I've got it. I've got it real bad.

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I just read a few of your previous posts and I was already kind of thinking that maybe you're really rushing into it with this guy and you more so love the "idea" of being in love than you actually love this guy. Then I saw a post you made where you said : "I can't help but keep crushing on any guy that shows me the slightest bit of attention. It's like a different guy everyday almost, or two at the same time. It's absolutely ridiculous." You were talking about how you'd only just come out of your six year relationship and that you were just so excited to be single again and to be checking out all these new people.

 

In your posts about this guy, you were talking like you were really head over heels for him when you'd literally only just met him and then again only two weeks of seeing him. It's understandable that it's really exciting to be with someone new after six years but are you really sure you love this guy, or is it more the idea of being with someone?

 

I think he might have gotten a bit scared away because on the first date you made sexual advances on him and you really rushed things. Then you were acting like you love him only a couple of weeks later. He is going through a divorce and he is new in town, he was probably more so looking to just meet new people and go on fun dates, rather than jump into something serious straight away. The fact that you have a child may be part of it but I think it's also that you were really trying to rush this relationship. You kept over analyzing it and making posts about this guy often and this was just the very beginning of dating where things are meant to be light and fairly laid back and casual.

 

I think maybe just give this guy space and let him breathe and whether you try to be friends or try to date again in future, just take it easy and don't rush it. You have known this guy only one month, how well do you really know him? Just enjoy getting to know each other and see where life takes you.

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If I had a child and a man I was involved with said he didn't want me, because of them, he can flake off, seriously.

My child would come first and there is no way I would be considering HIM.

He also has basically used you for company and sex without any intentions of it being more, at least the last few times he's seen you.

The way he treated you so coldly and just basically wanted you gone the next morning, and then insults you about being a mother...NO WAY would I be running back to that!

You've had your answer, that should be closure enough. You're not going to find anything different. I suggest you move on and find someone who is not such a jerk.

Do you really want to keep trying to force this situation and then if you do become a couple again he starts resenting your child? Besides the fact that if he had doubts the last time he seen you, he shouldn't have been getting you into bed and then using you. This is not the right man for you, and I hope you realise it before he hurts you more.

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