Dating conflicts, is this fixable?

[gcmc1121]

Hello everyone, thank you for taking your time to read my post and I am very grateful for your replies and advice to this,

 

I've [25M] been seeing someone[22F] for the past 2 months now, and everything was going great. We aren't overly intertwined in each others lives, we see each other when she has free time (she is in a tough program in college at the moment). Sometimes she come over after class and I make her dinner and we cuddle and watch TV, or have study dates where we spend the day together studying/doing our homework and just enjoy each other's presence. She is fairly religious and while I am not, things between her and I have moved along quicker than she was used to. She wants to hold off intercourse till marriage, and I support her because her faith is important to her. Even though I am not religious, I told her that I was hoping that if we kept dating that she would invite me along to mass with her and her family on special occasions and if her church did any kind of volunteer/charity work, that I would like to participate with her. Even if I'm not devoted in her faith, I could still be there to support that aspect of her life.

 

She has early classes, and has come over before and snoozed in late together, and she's stayed a weekend while her family was out of town. She is really receptive of romantic gestures, I've gotten her flowers twice in the past 2 months and each time she's always been very happy, and always said something along the lines of "Aww you really like me!" Since my class load is fairly light I have more free time on my hands. When she stayed over the weekend she needed to get studying done so I pampered her by going out for a morning coffee run and cooking her breakfast.

 

When we first started seeing each other, she stated that she is not looking for anything serious because the last relationship ended poorly with her breaking up due to the relationship becoming stagnant, no romantic aspect towards the end. She has also missed out on opportunities as well during this time. We are at that impasse right now, she doesn't think it's a good idea for us to keep dating anymore because of this. We sat down and talked to face to face the other day about what it is that is bothering her because I don't want to see her go.

 

The things that bother her are 1) not being able to give me a happy and fulfilling relationship with her demanding course load, 2) that me pursuing her will end up in me wasting my time, and 3) she is afraid if we become serious, that it will end up like her past relationships where she will put the relationship ahead of herself. She doesn't want to hurt me, but she also doesn't want to do herself injustice by giving up on any opportunities like she has had to in the past.

 

I don't know what her past relationships were like, so I can't speak on that part, but I can speak for myself. I have a super supportive personality, whatever comes her way I would be behind her 100%. I understand that dating during college we won't always get to spend the time we want with each other, and I am perfectly fine with that. Just texting her, and seeing her a couple times a week, or once every couple weeks due to exams these 2 months has been more than fulfilling for me. The time we spend together is so easy going since it's late and after a long day, I usually make dinner and watch a movie together and we nap a little bit or just cuddle and chitchat about the day.

 

While we were talking, I got the feeling that she still really likes me, but she is afraid of me. I think that she is afraid that if we kept dating, she would fall for me and might eventually hurting me or doing herself injustice by letting go of chances to advance herself. The last time we were together a few days ago, we still looked at each other with those eyes, and laughed freely at each other's jokes. I invited her to dinner this coming Monday after her exam, and she gave me one of her playful maybes she always does. Since the last time she's stayed over, I ordered her a silly over-sized shirt for her to sleep in, when I went to give that to her she said to leave it here because that was what it was for. Before she left, she said in a playful manner that I was crazy if I still want to keep her in my life after hearing those her worries. And later that night, texted me to really think about what she said, and not to brush them off because she "likes me a lot (she's said that a bit)" and don't want to to hurt me. I also sent her a picture of a sweatshirt that just came in the mail for me, and she saved the picture stating that she needed something to show people when they ask because she has no pictures of me.

 

Am I reading too much into the situation?

 

Is it repairable? I understand how difficult it is to choose between what's best for yourself, and someone you care about. But in our situation, whatever she chooses I would be more than happy to support her. She is afraid of being tied down if we ended up together; however, I would be more than happy to travel around with her because I am retired and have a decent pension and also where I am I have no roots whatsoever. She is also afraid that she would not be able to give me a fulfilling relationship or the attention she thinks I deserve during this busy time. I was in the military for my early adult years, so not getting to spend all the time we want together is something I am already used to and is not something that bothers me at all. Getting to cuddle up with her, kiss her, and support her after a long day is more than enough to make me happy.

 

I suggested that we continue to date through this next semester, and see how things go, if they really don't work out because whatever we have is unfulfilling then we end things there. But the biggest stuff to allow me to be there to support her, which I feel isn't something she is used to being put first.

[missmarple]

Sorry to disappoint you but this is a classic case of 'she's just not that into you'. All the rest is excuses. She likes the attention but the minute she meets someone she really likes, she'll be gone. You're wasting your time.

[gcmc1121]

Sorry to disappoint you but this is a classic case of 'she's just not that into you'. All the rest is excuses. She likes the attention but the minute she meets someone she really likes, she'll be gone. You're wasting your time.

 

Can you identify the key red flags for the latter part? From the time I have spent with her, judging from her use of language, the people around her, and her background, she definitely does not come off as someone who enjoys using people for attention. There are actions, emotions, and ways people can behavior when they solely seek attention; however, there are also very innate things to their personality they can't simply turn on and off. Saying she is religious is a minor understatement. As for her relationship history, her last relationship was a year and a half ago.

 

It really sucks to say, but I've dated far more than I would have liked, and I have met all sorts of people. Time spent with her definitely does not come off as the "she's just not into you" type. I have dated a couple of those as well, and their reaction to stuff is completely different. Plus with her religious background, the pace we've been going dating wise is definitely not something that she would take with someone she is using for attention.

[missmarple]

When we first started seeing each other, she stated that she is not looking for anything serious

 

The reason why is irrelevant. She didn't and still doesn't want anything serious.

 

she doesn't think it's a good idea for us to keep dating anymore

 

Not sure why you would insist after someone told you straight out they don't want to date you.

 

The things that bother her are 1) not being able to give me a happy and fulfilling relationship with her demanding course load, 2) that me pursuing her will end up in me wasting my time, and 3) she is afraid if we become serious, that it will end up like her past relationships where she will put the relationship ahead of herself. She doesn't want to hurt me, but she also doesn't want to do herself injustice by giving up on any opportunities like she has had to in the past.

 

Too many excuses...they could all be summed up in 'I'm not that into you'.

 

I invited her to dinner this coming Monday after her exam, and she gave me one of her playful maybes she always does.

 

Of course she did. She knows she has you wrapped around her little finger.

 

texted me to really think about what she said, and not to brush them off because she "likes me a lot (she's said that a bit)" and don't want to to hurt me.

 

'It's not you, it's me'...'I don't want to hurt you'. Yeah, right. If that was how she really felt, she would have stopped dating you already. But, as I said, she's enjoying your attention.

[catfeeder]

Can you identify the key red flags for the latter part? From the time I have spent with her, judging from her use of language, the people around her, and her background, she definitely does not come off as someone who enjoys using people for attention.

 

You're right, she doesn't enjoy using people for attention, and that's why she doesn't want to continue dating you.

 

She can tell that you're more into her than she has the time or interest to be into you. That's not a reflection on you. Sometimes we meet perfectly good people and the timing is wrong, or the chemistry is 'nice' but not motivating enough...or whatever. We can't always identify why someone isn't our match. We simply don't hold the right puzzle piece to match theirs.

 

Most people are NOT our match. That's just the math, but rather than being a bummer, it's actually liberating. It means there's nothing 'wrong' with you whenever things don't work out, but rather that you've just met someone who doesn't own the vision to view you through the right lens.

 

The right person for you will appreciate your unique value in a unique way. This girl is not her.

 

Head high.