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After some great introspection, and looking back on my previous two relationships, I've noticed a pattern with my insecurify. I think I have anxious/preoccupied attachment. But I don't want this to continue in any of my future relationships. Has anyone out there ever recovered from their anxious attachment into secure attachment? I'm going to counseling, but I'd still like some hope. Thanks

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I know many people who have managed this. Depending on the method, it may take some systematic effort but yes, I know sooo many. (Basically, it happens to a lot of people during abusive relationships and maybe tendencies were there beforehand too but with healing, you can go back to or start having secure attachment style.)

Good luck to you on your journey

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I know many people who have managed this. Depending on the method, it may take some systematic effort but yes, I know sooo many. (Basically, it happens to a lot of people during abusive relationships and maybe tendencies were there beforehand too but with healing, you can go back to or start having secure attachment style.)

Good luck to you on your journey

 

Do you know what methods they used to manage it? My first relationship was very unhealthy so maybe that is where it stemmed from.

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I think you are paying too much attention to your behaviour or response to previous not great relationships.

 

Instead of focusing on the what ifs re past relationships , why don't you focus on why you choose wrong partners for you?

 

Your counsellor is scamming you if this topic hasn't cropped up!? Looking for their next monetary instalment.

 

When you meet someone truly compatible there will be no anxiety.

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Continue therapy.. for a good while. Try to see whats happening.

 

You should never have those 'needs' for anyone else. It should be 'comfort'.. and for each to feel 'able' to be themselves.. b supported and ability to communicate, etc.

 

usually, we can pick up within months, whether there is a connection.. or not. Never drag something on you 'feel' is not good.

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Yes, anyone can change their attachment style... I know I have, from Fearful/Avoidant (a long time ago) to Secure. If you can really accept the support from the therapist, and if you qualify for a 12-step program and join a group, then these people can replace the parent(s) who were unable to give you the unconditional love you needed as a child. There is such a thing as "earned security", which is something you can work on in therapy. If you're lucky, having a relationship with a Secure will help with your healing, but such people tend not to be available in the dating pool because they form long-lasting relationships and stay there.

 

Recognising the problem is the first step; as you're probably already aware, people with an Anxious attachment style tend to gravitate towards people with an Avoidant style, thereby confirming their worst fears. Let yourself know that not everyone will pull away when you want to get close, and take your time in relationships to find out what the other person's really like before allowing yourself to get emotionally involved.

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i like to pathologize my traits like they're all bulletpoints from the DSM so i get the appeal.

 

but really, it makes more sense to inquire about one's behavior, beliefs and emotional reactions than it does to think about a theoretical concept.

 

for example, this is what you said in one of your last threads :

he thought I was unhappy with him, when truly I was just unhappy with myself

 

i think if you start your inquiry here, that can be a fruitful endeavor. elaborate on why you're unhappy with yourself, what you think an ideal self would be, whether you think if you were that ideal self you'd never be abandoned, what is bad about abandonment in the first place, what is it that you expect to get from some Other and why would one need to acquire it in connection etc. if it helps you can muse on here and we can all think about it together.

 

i suggest- not to devaluate your suggestion because it is good that you are involved in your own recovery and wondering about what fuels your problems, but for the sake of not seeing your problem as more overwhelming and complex than it might really be- i suggest, for now, to not think about it as anxious attachment or a certain psychic structuration or similar but rather as perfectly common human behavior.

 

because...it is perfectly common to fear abandonment and humans, individually and universally, will behave in a number of erratic ways to prevent abandonment and secure a connection.

 

it also is qite common to not be triggred until in relationship. because things trigger us when they happen in an emotionally relevant field, when i am determined by what another does, thinks, feels in regard to me.

 

when you become aware of yourself in the presence of other humans, what do you feel yourself to be like? to me, this is the most telling experience. the way i experience myself under the gaze of the other.

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Billie28, I'm not sure if my recent ex was truly incompatible with me or just fell out of love because of fighting/distance. I guess I'll never know now.

 

Also, my therapist is in no way scamming me. I get FREE counseling sessions through my college. 10 per semester. She also never brought it up, I googled it on my own.

 

"When you meet someone truly compatible there will be no anxiety" --> I hope this rings true

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It's good your getting therapy and doing some of your own reading. Keep in mind that attachment styles are a dynamic.

 

Make sure in your quest for insight and introspection you don't use all sorts of labels as shortcuts to explain the incredible complexity of the human condition and all the things that complicate that further.

 

Start first with the basis for the depression and the use of substances to regulate, etc. Start with you and then your interpersonal dynamic can be more clear.

After some great introspection, and looking back on my previous two relationships, I've noticed a pattern with my insecurify. I think I have anxious/preoccupied attachment. But I don't want this to continue in any of my future relationships. Has anyone out there ever recovered from their anxious attachment into secure attachment? I'm going to counseling, but I'd still like some hope. Thanks
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