10 months later and still not over him

[CaptivePulse]

As the title says, it's been 10 months and I am still not over my ex. If they were to ask me out tomorrow, I would for sure say no, but for some reason I can't seem to stop checking up on him once in a while, and if I even think that he may have found someone new, I feel completely crushed and it makes it hard to sleep at night because it depresses me so deeply. It has such a strong hold over me that it can ruin an entire day for me. I think the main problem is I want to see karma make him pay for how he treated me, but he's been living an amazingly happy life this whole time, at least from what I've seen on his instagram, and it sucks seeing girls that show interest in him when I'm feeling so lonely and I feel like I deserve to be with someone more than he does, it sounds so selfish, but I'm a very loyal, honest, and loving person, and he is just a complete liar and a cheater. I just hate that people can't see through his charm and tell that he isn't as good as he seems. He lives in a huge city, while I'm in a tiny town where I can't really meet anyone new...he has so many options and has made so many new girl friends since we split...

 

Anyway, I don't really know what I can do to not care anymore, to not have the urge to check on him, it's just so easy with the internet. Any advice is much appreciated.

[Chili]

I think you need to cut every online interaction you can with him. I had a similar problem where I obsessed over a girl, constantly checking her facebook, see who she made friends with since the last time, where she went - stuff like that.

And you know what? Watching her move on like that, made me even more bitter and hurt, and made me obsess over it even more. Which in turn made me unable to move on because I constantly thought of that.

 

You need to realize that your life is now about _you_ and not him anymore. The faster you can stop checking in on him, the faster you can become better. If you check in on him and it turn out he does have someone new, how does that help you in anyway?

It just makes you more hurt and bitter, and you will be even longer in this negative spiral. If you manage to think about you, and do things for you - then you will be on your way to actually improve.

 

I know it wont be easy and in the beginning you will think on checking him every minute of the day. But if you hang in there, the minutes will turn into hours, then days, weeks, months - and one day you realize that he doesnt matter anymore to your happiness. Just dont let yourself be allowed to be caught in that pattern anymore.

[AvaD21]

Yeah I don't understand why people still have their ex on social media. I don't and haven't since we broke up, it's just logical. Block / delete. You need to just concentrate on yourself & don't feel like you need a boyfriend for your own self worth

[Clarisse]

Every time you check up on him it's re-opening the wound. There's no magic way to rid yourself of the urge, you just have to white-knuckle it. How often are you checking? If it's every day or once a week, maybe you can reward yourself for stringing together a week or a month of not checking. Eventually, your pain and anger will dissipate and that will be the reward in and of itself.

 

Breakups are hard. Some take longer to heal than others.

[tln72]

I'm sorry you're still hurting and having a hard time moving on. I completely understand it's hard to see someone who didn't treat you well appear as if they are having a great life. However, you need to keep in mind a couple of things. Looking on social media or trying to keep track of how he is doing, is only putting salt in your wound. Every time you look, it reopens the wound that you are trying to heal. No contact is about healing yourself. Time away from that person so you can focus on making yourself better and move forward. Looking for updates on him keeps you in the past where you were hurting. It keeps the hurt festering. I stirs those raw emotions up making you feel sick to your stomach. You have no control over how he treated you or what he does with his life. You only have control over your thoughts, actions and feelings. Essentially, you are giving up your control to him still.... also remember the pictures and social media people post are not always what they appear. Most share the happy and fun times. They are a snapshot of one moment. We are not in their shoes and do not know the full picture. Most of us don't share the ugly moments. But regardless, the point is, as tough as it is, you would benefit if you stopped checking up on him. I know it's only human and it's hard not to want to know how he's doing, but checking up on him changes nothing. It only makes you feel sick to your stomach and interferes with your ability to focus on you and move forward.

 

Make small goals for yourself. Start out with making it a goal to not check any social media on him for one full day. Reward yourself when you succeed. Next, make it 2 days, etc.... use little rewards at first, and if you make it a full week, make the reward larger. What's something you've always wanted to do or somewhere you've wanted to go? Set a goal that if you can make it 30 days, 60 days you will reward yourself. Write your goal on post it notes and put them all over where you'll see them through the day. you've said you've been nc for 10 months, but essentially you haven't, as you've still checked up on him. Do a legitimate nc... make sure you have a friend or several who you can contact when you're feeling weak. They can help remind you why you need to do this. It's not easy by any means. Anyone who has tried nc and succeeded can attest to that. If you want to heal and make yourself available for a future relationship, you need to focus on you and fight your urges to check on him. Again, my heart feels for the pain and hurt you're experiencing. I wish you strength and perseverance!! One step, one day at a time.... best wishes!!

[SooSad33]

he is just a complete liar and a cheater

- this is what you need to remember.... the negative.. to help you move on better.. knowing you WILL get better than him.. when you're better ( healed).

 

Never feel a need to rush into something.. when you know you're not ready.

[Wolfshook]

Forgive him.

 

I'm 11 months out and forgiving her and realizing that she's free person and that it isn't my job to worry who she's with helped me a grear deal. It takes time,but you have to force yourself to it.

[shiner501]

This is the problem of breakups in the 24x7 online era of social media. Years ago, you broke up and sometimes never saw or heard of the ex again. Now, it is oh so easy to be tormented by a constant stream of updates, photos and videos from online media. You know what you need to do. Stop following their on-line activities. Delete them. Throw out all their old stuff and presents to you. NOW. You will never heal from this unless you do. You will find it hard to move on and find love with someone new. Ask yourself if you find yourself heading to FB, twitter etc, Do you really want to see him hung all over another woman? What possible good will that knowledge do you? NOTHING. Ignorance is bliss.