Not so keen on marriage or kids anymore. Does anyone feel the same way ?

[coolgirl]

A little background 36 year old, been divorced once, no kids. Been divorced for 11 years. I've had my fair share of being rejected, used, ( once way to many times that I lost count ) emotionally abused, mentally, and physically that had already left a big scar in my life over the past 11 years.

 

Can never have a stable relationship, can't trust anyone anymore, been yelled at screamed at by different men so many times, been basically taken advantage of in every way possible, that it has put a huge strain of ever having to have something stable going for me. I always fear of history repeating itself. I cheated on my ex husband once. please don't judge. I just dont have it in me to do the marriage thing anymore.

 

So I'm pretty much emotionally damaged through all the emotional abuse I endured for the past 11 years so I'm still getting punished in every way possible. That I lost every site of not wanting to do the marriage thing anymore. I dont mind doing the LTR and living with someone and not having that responsibility if anything goes wrong. If things don't work out than there shouldn't be any hard feelings. why, would I want another divorce record. To me marriage is just a piece of paper and then it be the honeymoon phase like everything would be good 1 to 2 month then that's when reality kicks in.

 

I got to admit when I married my ex husband in 2005 I couldn't find myself being in love with him. I couldn't even if I wanted to try it couldn't. I don't even know myself why I married him we had lots of problems. 6 days after our wedding our problems started. So, why do this again.

 

When it comes to dating around because I live under my parents roof it becomes difficult with my mom. I think she's old fashioned a little bit. and says it's not right to be jumping from guys to guy what are you gaining from this. I'm not gaining anything. Just wanna have some fun in my life for once. And be questioning me who is he, what does he do and etc.... like im being treated like a little kid. I'm like seriously don't i have a say so as to what I want. Does it always have to turn into something serious.

 

I'm just not dense on marriage or kids anymore. I'm literally done. Literally done completely. And I did mention my reasons why. And she can't seem to understand that. Her and I don't see eye to eye on anything. We're just 2 different people. I know i do need my own life just so much is going on and not working. So it does make it a lot complicated.

 

So it does get difficult for me being around people that do have kids and are married just makes me too sad. Has anyone been in a similar situation or going through the same thing in any form and how did you deal with it ? When it comes to future wise ? How do you find someone that wants the same thing you do ? Thanks for reading. I hope that just because I'm not marriage or kid material does that make me a bad person ? I'm worried that my family won't be able to accept that.

[Ms Darcy]

I think it's good that you recognize that you are not meant for marriage and kids. Keep living this way and your family will eventually get used to it.

[coolgirl]

I get with what your saying. But I would like to casually date. How am I suppose to go around that and not get to many questions about it ?

 

I think it's good that you recognize that you are not meant for marriage and kids. Keep living this way and your family will eventually get used to it.

[RainyCoast]

I dont mind doing the LTR and living with someone and not having that responsibility if anything goes wrong. If things don't work out than there shouldn't be any hard feelings.

i don't think that simply not adding a piece of paper to a long term relationship will mean there will be little responsibility, hard feelings and complications should things go wrong. break ups aren't only rough when there's legal stuff involved, they're tough because of the dynamics that marked them, maladaptive outlooks and behaviors and emotional responses they reinforced, because of lost intense emotional investments and a lot more. unless you plan to have a sex buddy only-- but i find a lot of ppl have fooled themselves into believing they could be causal without investing their emotions and developing expectations for more.

 

add your history of difficult relationships, i don't honestly believe a "causal long term relationship" is your best aim.

 

i'm sorry to ask the obvious questions:

 

if not for the purpose of more satisfying interpersonal relationships, then for the purpose of your own emotional wellbeing, have you considered getting help for the aftermath of abuse?

 

and

 

have you considered moving out of your parents home to live on your own?

to be dependent on a parent's approval or fear their intrusion into your private choices at 36 doesn't sound like a strategy for a satisfying personal life. and i think the unsatisfying personal relationships are concomitant manifestations of the dynamics within your nuclear family.

 

rather than spending my energy wondering how to evade mother's intrusive judgement, i would spend it wondering what steps to take towards emotional and material independence. look up free career guidance counseling agencies in your area. support groups are a good first step too. a lot of people recovering from abuse have had the experience of being dependent on either spouse or parent interchangeably or at the same time and they can share tips and resources on individuation.

 

i would personally also strongly advise you to not place too much emphasis on absolute material security as a necessary precursor for independence. i notice it holds a lot of people back, the fear that they'll run out of financial and psychological resources just a few steps into independence. if you're in the system, cooperating with a counselor, a social worker, with your unemployments office, adjunctive ngos and support groups you'll have some kind of aid available. i think for most of us, whether recovering from abuse and codependence or not, the emphasis in "i broke free" is most often on "broke". get a support web and you'll be able to push through temporary discomfort.

[Edmund Exley]

I was in your shoes when I was 36 and divorcing from my first wife and had no kids. Convinced I didnt want any. Met a woman who also didnt want any, ran off to live some where lavish and warm with her, and then realized "But what if one day I do?" Left her, my my wife and now have 2.

 

That said, I didnt suffer the emotional abuse you have (although I have had some really doozies). Perhaps dealing with why you've found yourself in so many poor relationships is a start. For me I found out that I possessed a trait that many children of alcoholics possess and its called intense loyalty to dysfunctional people. Because I grew up with an alcoholic father (who wasnt an abusive man) I tend to accept bad behavior from people I love more than most would. At least that's what a counselor worked with me on.

 

You need to look hard at what red flags you tend to miss or accept.

[Wiseman2]

Simply explain what you mention here. You are too unstable, not meant for it and it doesn't suit you after divorce/bad relationships. And you are not cut out for motherhood with all the problems.

 

Is there pressure due too supporting you and wanting you to get married so a husband can take over? Be as independent at home as possible in the form of financial and household help contributions.

 

It sounds like they want a stable earner to take you off their hands. Perhaps address that issue directly. Rather than them tiptoeing around with hints to get out of the nest.

When it comes to dating around because I live under my parents roof it becomes difficult with my mom. I think she's old fashioned a little bit. and says it's not right to be jumping from guys to guy what are you gaining from this. And be questioning me who is he, what does he do and etc.

[lostandhurt]

I read about 25% of your threads and I can't seem to find why you live with your mother. If she is so hard to deal with can you move out? Maybe having complete control over your life will help.

 

As far as the way you feel right now. These feelings come and go sometimes and all I can tell you is Never Say Never. You may meet a great guy in a few months, fall deeply in love and suddenly want marriage, kids and a white picket fence.

 

If you do want to be a confirmed bachelorette that is okay too. There is no reason to pigeon hole yourself either way really but it is a good idea to know what you want long term so you can relate that to anyone you may want to get into a long term relationship with.

 

What would happen if you met a man that already has children? Would you date him?

 

Lost

[gebaird]

I think the only way to find someone who wants what you want is to meet a lot of people. There will be guys who will want to use you (don't spend a second with them) and guys who will want marriage and kids (politely decline any more dates with them). But there may also be a guy out there who just wants companionship and connection. The only way to know is to put yourself out there and see what your options are.

 

Regardless of your relationship status, choose to be happy. Your mom sees the world differently than you do. Agree to disagree with her and keep living your own way.

[Fudgie]

I like RainyCoast's advice about independence. I think it would be good for you to get out on your own, out from under your mother's thumb. You need and deserve that. I urge you to look into it. I don't make much but I live alone. It's been WONDERFUL for my mental health. I have no interest in living with my parents again - I need to be on my own.

[Ms Darcy]

I get with what your saying. But I would like to casually date. How am I suppose to go around that and not get to many questions about it ?

 

I think you'll get less questions if you move out and live on your own.

[coolgirl]

Thank you to all that replied to my post. Sorry it took me a while to respond. I wish it were that easy to move out and have a life of my own. I am not stable enough to hold down a job. I wish I could. I only have little income coming to me which is my disability earnings and please don't judge. I'm in the process of paying stuff off. And still got along way to go. So hopefully down the read I will. I'm starting to do the stuff I enjoy. My father got me a early Christmas gift a Canon camera recorder the ones the professional use. He knows how much I love video recording and video editing when it comes to events. I always wanted to do this for a long time. And now that I have my equipment hopefully down the line I'll have my business too. So it's just the matter of timing.

 

Which comes to my next point. I certainly don't want to involve myself with anyone with not being able to have some sort of support. and not being able to accomplish my dreams. I don't want to be held back from being someone's wife or mother and not being able to follow my dreams. It's just going to hold me back.

 

Maybe most of you or all of you have your own life and being on your own and get to experience what it's like being on your own. and I think to some degree I want to experience that too. Why tie myself down when I can have a successful career one day. If I had to choose career over future I'd rather choose career.

 

I've done the therapy before, I've done the medication before, I've done it all and I reached to a point in my life where I need to follow my dreams and nobody tieing me down or stopping me. Thanks for reading.

[Batya33]

I think you should focus on getting well enough to love on your own and then deal with the "big leagues" of dating as the late Dr. joy browne used to refer to it.

[misstiff]

Guess what.... YOU CAN DO WHATEVER YOU WANT!!! And if your family can't accept that you are doing what makes you happy... well then, the way I see it... they'll just have to get over it or get the eff on! Maybe that's just me because I'm very quick to cut someone out of my life who keeps beating a drum that I can't hear. I always say... family is not always blood... you make your own family. Plenty of people have gotten the boot from me because they refused to see I was happy. So if you don't want to get married... Girl... you ain't gotta! If you wanna have fun... hell go for it! Do what makes you happy... Who cares what they think?

[Stay_home]

A little background 36 year old, been divorced once, no kids. Been divorced for 11 years. I've had my fair share of being rejected, used, ( once way to many times that I lost count ) emotionally abused, mentally, and physically that had already left a big scar in my life over the past 11 years.

 

Can never have a stable relationship, can't trust anyone anymore, been yelled at screamed at by different men so many times, been basically taken advantage of in every way possible, that it has put a huge strain of ever having to have something stable going for me. I always fear of history repeating itself. I cheated on my ex husband once. please don't judge. I just dont have it in me to do the marriage thing anymore.

 

So I'm pretty much emotionally damaged through all the emotional abuse I endured for the past 11 years so I'm still getting punished in every way possible. That I lost every site of not wanting to do the marriage thing anymore. I dont mind doing the LTR and living with someone and not having that responsibility if anything goes wrong. If things don't work out than there shouldn't be any hard feelings. why, would I want another divorce record. To me marriage is just a piece of paper and then it be the honeymoon phase like everything would be good 1 to 2 month then that's when reality kicks in.

 

I got to admit when I married my ex husband in 2005 I couldn't find myself being in love with him. I couldn't even if I wanted to try it couldn't. I don't even know myself why I married him we had lots of problems. 6 days after our wedding our problems started. So, why do this again.

 

When it comes to dating around because I live under my parents roof it becomes difficult with my mom. I think she's old fashioned a little bit. and says it's not right to be jumping from guys to guy what are you gaining from this. I'm not gaining anything. Just wanna have some fun in my life for once. And be questioning me who is he, what does he do and etc.... like im being treated like a little kid. I'm like seriously don't i have a say so as to what I want. Does it always have to turn into something serious.

 

I'm just not dense on marriage or kids anymore. I'm literally done. Literally done completely. And I did mention my reasons why. And she can't seem to understand that. Her and I don't see eye to eye on anything. We're just 2 different people. I know i do need my own life just so much is going on and not working. So it does make it a lot complicated.

 

So it does get difficult for me being around people that do have kids and are married just makes me too sad. Has anyone been in a similar situation or going through the same thing in any form and how did you deal with it ? When it comes to future wise ? How do you find someone that wants the same thing you do ? Thanks for reading. I hope that just because I'm not marriage or kid material does that make me a bad person ? I'm worried that my family won't be able to accept that.

 

Marriage is not the end all, be all.

 

It's not for everybody. If you recognize that about yourself the more happy you will be in life. Just make sure that you're upfront about that.