Always a second choice or placeholder ?

[coralyne]

I met this guy on a dating app a few months ago. We clicked instantly and we continued talking and texting. He eventually took me out to coffee and I really started to fall for him and I thought he felt the same. He mentioned his ex a few times in conversation but I never really thought much about it even though I should've seen the signs he was interested in someone else. I had a gut feeling but I brushed it off, we talked constantly throughout the day and I thought it would be impossible that he would be hung on someone else if he manages to always be in constant communication with me. We talked for about 5 months romantically. Went on dates. Late night phone calls. And then a week ago they all just stopped. He stopped replying for no reason at all. It was confusing for me because things didn't end on a sour note. I thought things were going well. A few days ago I just found out he got back with his ex via social media and I feel awful. This is the second time this has happened to me in a row and I don't really understand why. I we went on 10 dates before we even kissed let alone slept with each other. I made my feelings known and he made his. I was really falling for this guy and I thought I had found someone special and I thought he was on the same page. I text him starting conversation so he could at least tell me he confirm that this is what's happening and he just ghost me and ignored my messages and left them on "read".

 

This has happened to me before and I ended up really hurt at the end but I was still really hopeful that I could eventually find someone and I absolutely didn't think this would happen twice in a row. It has left me feeling very low. I feel like a second choice or a placeholder for when the "real" women come along. I never thought I gave off the "other woman" vibe. I'm very old fashioned when it comes to relationships. I just don't understand and I've been driving myself crazy trying to figure out what I was missing, replaying EVERY conversation. I feel really bad because I gave my 100% to the relationship, bragged about him to my friends and family.

 

I'm not angry I'm more hurt but Im a romantic and I understand that feelings are feelings and life is too short. But, this is the second time and I'm feeling very unworthy and I'm really sad. I'm a crazy romantic and I want to once in my life be the "one of a kind" girl that some guy drops everything for. But I'm also sad that he just flat out ignored me and let social media break the news. I'm not confrontational so I know he knows that I won't start drama over the posts but he also knows I'll definitely see them.

 

This is the second time and I feel like going into my shell and giving up. I need advice on how to not let two bad experiences stop me because right now I feel like just forgetting about love and relationships all together.

[j.man]

You're thinking too much. Just stop going on dates with guys who bring up exes on the first date. Easy peasy.

[Jeffbobo]

You're thinking too much. Just stop going on dates with guys who bring up exes on the first date. Easy peasy.

 

I cringe when I see comments like "We clicked instantly", "He talked about his ex" and "We talked and texted constantly". When I read this, I get the impression of someone who's heart is cut open and bleeding. And you are there to mend it and boost them up.

[notalady]

You're thinking too much. Just stop going on dates with guys who bring up exes on the first date. Easy peasy.

 

Yes this, and don't invest so quickly before you even get to know them.

 

What stood out to me, aside from the ex talk, was that you texted and talked a lot before meeting in person, and upon meeting you say you were already falling for him. That sounds like moving too fast to me, and a recipe to get hurt. Clearly you ignored the ex comments on first date because were already invested (with all the talking before that) and couldn't assess the situation logically.

 

Even after meeting, I suggest keep talking and texting to a minimum and get to know them on dates. Also to go really slow on making an emotional investment, think of it like a foam cup with a small hole in the bottom, water drips out slowly and eventually filling up the bowl (relationship), rather than a bottomless cup that has water pouring out of it.

 

Think with your head more. Don't jump in before you know what's what.

[SooSad33]

I do the same thing... replaying everything.

 

I am sorry for your pains.. but was his fault.. for leading you on for so long! Guess he was 'confused'...

 

Try not to let the fact that is has happened again.. affect you too much.

 

I have had a number of failures.. and hurts We get emotionally involved, of course.

 

Look at this as an 'experience'... sadly, not a good one. We do this.. cause we never know!

 

In the end, I feel you will come to realize he just wasn't the one.. for you. That you dodged a bullet- him & his ex.

 

Take some time away from relationship idea's... concntrate on YOU for a while.... to accept & heal.

 

Someday, a REAL man will come along... keep believing.

[SoulTaker]

I met this guy on a dating app a few months ago. We clicked instantly and we continued talking and texting. He eventually took me out to coffee and I really started to fall for him and I thought he felt the same. He mentioned his ex a few times in conversation but I never really thought much about it even though I should've seen the signs he was interested in someone else. I had a gut feeling but I brushed it off, we talked constantly throughout the day and I thought it would be impossible that he would be hung on someone else if he manages to always be in constant communication with me. We talked for about 5 months romantically. Went on dates. Late night phone calls. And then a week ago they all just stopped.

 

As others have noted, anytime someone mentions the "ex" when it's not needed, then it's red flag. With that said, there are gaps in your update.

 

• When did he break up with the "ex"? How long was he with her?
  
• Are there kids in the picture?
  
• What did he say about her in the conversations?
  
• During those 5 months, did the two of you get into a relationship? Any "exclusive" agreement? Were any boundaries established? If no, then you were basically in a casual hookup.
  
• Why didn't you trust your "gut instincts"? You said that you should have seen the signs. What were the signs, in addition to him mentioning the "ex"?
  

 

Once the emotions subside, and you can think more clearly, you will be able to piece things together and know how it went downhill. But, there's always the possibility that a person can do all the right things, and still be removed for an "ex" (and there is nothing you can do about it).

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this. Yep, the ex talk was the red flag but that's hindsight. Unfortunately there's a lot of people who jump on dating apps as a knee jerk reaction to a recent fight/breakup.

 

Some better signs than 'late night talks' or 'texting all day' are how often and consistently do you see each other and do you spends roughly an equal amount of time at each other's places. Do they make real in person time for you? Watch out for insta-relationships and obviously too much ex or past relationship talk.

He stopped replying for no reason at all. A few days ago I just found out he got back with his ex via social media and I feel awful.

[browneyedgirl36]

I cringe when I see comments like "We clicked instantly", "He talked about his ex" and "We talked and texted constantly". When I read this, I get the impression of someone who's heart is cut open and bleeding. And you are there to mend it and boost them up.

 

Me too. This describes my ex to a "T." Talked about his ex on the first date -- in a way that suggested he was NOT over her at all. Paid a LOT of attention to me, constant contact, etc. We too seemed to "click" immediately. Turns out, he was a very broken man just looking for a "placeholder" while he plowed through his pain. As soon as he was reasonably healed, I got the boot.

[devinefaith]

I'm sorry that this happened to you. The same thing happened to me about a year ago. I was very low also but trust me you won't feel that way for long. What helped me was being arounf genuine people who loved and cares about me and started working on myself. Also readimg stories about others who had been heartbroken helped. If it can help read my story I was in a similar situation but I realized my worth eventually and realized I didn't even want to be with someone who didn't value and cherish me.