Ex Husband, Other Woman and Friendships (HELP)

[cantnotcare]

First time poster here - apologies in advance, this is going to be long but I'm desperate for some perspective on my situation!!

 

 

 

History

 

I was with my ex husband for 8 years - married for 6, it ended a year and a half ago.

 

He had an emotional affair with a girl 10 years younger, she befriended me (though I found it a little baffling that he would want to be friends with someone so much younger, and at such a different place in life), she sat at our kitchen table, shared food and drink with my husband and I in our home and then around 6 months after first hanging out with us both, she and he snuck out of his birthday (arranged by me) and down an alley way. Very humiliating for me. He begged me to stay and I did for 2 weeks but after that it was clear it was over and I left.

 

I haven't really looked back, though it completely broke my heart my life has improved a hundred times over, I've re-partnered with a lovely, honest man and we're just about to move out together, I never miss my ex or feeling the way I felt those last 6 - 12 months of our marriage.

 

The ex also treated me pretty terribly in the break up, though it was initiated by him. He changed the password to our joint bank account the night I left (the only access I had to any money at all) he refused to pay parking tickets that he had got in my name and he would not pay for the divorce, needless to say this made an amicable breakup extremely difficult.

 

The ex of course immediately moved the awful girl into the house he and I shared together and they became official. Pretty much all of our mutual friends were confused and hurt by his rejection not only of me, but of the marriage and the life associated with our relationship (I hope that makes sense). The ex never confided in anyone before he cheated, nor did he speak to anyone about the whole thing after it.

 

 

The Problem

 

In the relationship I was generally the one who drove catchups and social outings (though he was very social as well, just terribly organised) and I continued to see people regularly and have become even closer with quite a number of my friends as a result.

 

One of the only friends that kept in (sporadic) contact with the ex has now become friends with the ex's girlfriend on facebook, though this friend is quite close and has told me time and again that she is on my 'team' (without prompting - I have been SUPER careful never to ask friends to pick sides)

 

The thing is, I'm distraught. I hate that this awful girl is now friends with my friends, it feels like my friend is putting her stamp of approval on this relationship and my ex's horrible behaviour, Im upset and hurt and angry and disappointed and bewildered and in the end, I just don't know what to do with these feelings.

 

So help, please, am I being unreasonable? Do I try to talk to my friend? Do I just get over it? Is there an angle of this I haven't thought of?

[pippy longstocking]

I imagine this friend is just trying to play it fair ...accepting your new partner and accepting his new partner ... she maybe putting a stamp of approval on the relationship , remember your friend isn't as invested in the emotions of this as you are .. your ex and her have made a go of it and it has to be accepted by people around them , they are together ... For the record I would feel like you , but the reality is , why should friends carry around the burden of not accepting this is his life , that is his partner and people add each other on facebook .

[cantnotcare]

Thanks so much for replying, I think you're right in a lot of ways. But for the record, this particular friend was around to see me heart broken and devistated, she was around when I found the girl's underwear she accidentally left behind in the belongings I packed, while she may not be as invested in my emotions as I am, I don't know how (or if) I can be friends with someone who is happy to approve of a relationship that has put me through so much pain

[pippy longstocking]

Thanks so much for replying, I think you're right in a lot of ways. But for the record, this particular friend was around to see me heart broken and devistated, she was around when I found the girl's underwear she accidentally left behind in the belongings I packed, while she may not be as invested in my emotions as I am, I don't know how (or if) I can be friends with someone who is happy to approve of a relationship that has put me through so much pain

 

I hear you and I have been sat here thinking * pippy you two faced b1tch* lol cos I would go mad and delete said friend ...and that is the truth !! If that makes me childish then so be it ... I was just trying to be diplomatic and kind about it darling .

[cantnotcare]

I hear you and I have been sat here thinking * pippy you two faced b1tch* lol cos I would go mad and delete said friend ...and that is the truth !! If that makes me childish then so be it ... I was just trying to be diplomatic and kind about it darling .

 

Hahahahaha, that was my initial reaction too - I just wanted to delete my friend straight out - but then I thought about her being supportive, and all of the friends I have made through her, and how much my life has improved because my ex is out of my life.

 

I think she (like you is trying to be diplomatic and (like you said) couldn't possibly realise how much it hurts. And it does hurt, so much. All thoughts on it are welcome! Just trying to sort out my own thoughts too.

[pippy longstocking]

I think the only way forward is to talk it out with your friend ... in a way that doesn't make her feel awkward beyond belief ..

 

you should block the girlfriend at any rate just so you don't see her comments or likes on your friends wall because it is very triggering for you .

[pippy longstocking]

No I have changed my mind ....cos I don't know how you would approach it without it looking like you are making a fuss and then you might feel worse ...

 

oh my god I am useless this morning ...don't worry not everyone is like me on here hahahahaha

[cantnotcare]

No I have changed my mind ....cos I don't know how you would approach it without it looking like you are making a fuss and then you might feel worse ...

 

oh my god I am useless this morning ...don't worry not everyone is like me on here hahahahaha

 

Haha you're not useless at all, you're lovely!

 

I'm also pretty mad that they are the ones blocking me even though I'm the obviously wronged party, but that's another story

[pippy longstocking]

Haha you're not useless at all, you're lovely!

 

I'm also pretty mad that they are the ones blocking me even though I'm the obviously wronged party, but that's another story

 

 

Yes I would have wanted to get in first ...hahahaha oh my , I am almost 50 ..still 13 in my head I think . I am interested myself to see what everyone else says , there is such a mixed bag of people on here I am sure you will reach a conclusion by the end of the thread ...I will be reading .

[SherrySher]

I call bs on this. It's one thing to try and be diplomatic and remain friends with your ex, it's something completely different to now friend the mistress.

You said she is a good friend of YOURS and seen your pain and hurt, if that's true and she really is a good friend, it makes no sense for her to now meddle and become friends with the person who has destroyed a marriage and is a home wrecker.

It's like anything else..if you see someone doing something bad, you either are against it or accept it. There is no diplomatic anything about it.

This would hurt me immensely as well and I would not trust nor consider this person my friend.

That's the one thing you learn in situations like this, who are your real friends and who stands by you no matter what, and who are phonies and backstab.

[cantnotcare]

I call bs on this. It's one thing to try and be diplomatic and remain friends with your ex, it's something completely different to now friend the mistress.

You said she is a good friend of YOURS and seen your pain and hurt, if that's true and she really is a good friend, it makes no sense for her to now meddle and become friends with the person who has destroyed a marriage and is a home wrecker.

It's like anything else..if you see someone doing something bad, you either are against it or accept it. There is no diplomatic anything about it.

This would hurt me immensely as well and I would not trust nor consider this person my friend.

That's the one thing you learn in situations like this, who are your real friends and who stands by you no matter what, and who are phonies and backstab.

 

Yep, this is my initial reaction in a nutshell. Esp re being diplomatic and staying friends with ex but different being friends with mistress.

 

To be clear, she was originally my ex's friend, we became very close over the 8 years my ex and I were together and even closer after the breakup while she didn't see my ex very much and mad all indications she disapproved of the whole thing. Her actions however speak differently.

 

I think its totally the coward's way out.

 

The problem is, she's in a very close friendship group I have, we meet every second week and I love a lot of the other women in the group (and I do still really care about her) so do I make a big deal of it? Do I confront her? Do I just opt out of the friendship group altogether?

 

 

[SherrySher]

I know people aren't meant to "take sides" but this woman has clearly shown that she is your ex's friend and will stand by him and his mistress now, despite how they have wronged and hurt you.

It really depends on what works best for you. I might still go to these groups to test the waters out, but would fall back in getting too involved with her. If she questions why, be honest and let her know that this has hurt you. Who wouldn't it hurt? You get cheated on and then your "friend" is okay with friending the mistress?

What it comes down to, you need to sort out now who are the real friends of yours and who are not. Unfortunately with a marriage breaking up, friendships can take a hit as well. If you're not comfortable remaining friends with someone who is choosing the approval of the mistress, no one here would blame you. You have every right to be comfortable with whom you choose to remain close to you, and who you do not.

Yes, everyone has free will who they stay or become friends with, but feelings are on the line as well, and that can't be discounted.

 

I think everyone needs to be honest here and realise that it IS in fact a messy situation. Yes you could remain friends with her and hold your head high, but to know that she is still friends with the ex and mistress and you have been very hurt by them, is not at all the best situation.

You decide what you can take and what you cannot. Me personally, I would rather have my own friends who support me and break ties with those who are still remaining in my ex's life.

A clean break all around, so to speak.

Other's may disagree, but this is what would work best for me.

[Ksol9]

I call bs on this. It's one thing to try and be diplomatic and remain friends with your ex, it's something completely different to now friend the mistress.

You said she is a good friend of YOURS and seen your pain and hurt, if that's true and she really is a good friend, it makes no sense for her to now meddle and become friends with the person who has destroyed a marriage and is a home wrecker.

It's like anything else..if you see someone doing something bad, you either are against it or accept it. There is no diplomatic anything about it.

This would hurt me immensely as well and I would not trust nor consider this person my friend.

That's the one thing you learn in situations like this, who are your real friends and who stands by you no matter what, and who are phonies and backstab.

 

I agree. I wouldn't make a big deal out of it, but as a result I would keep this friend at arms length. She's entitled to befriend whoever she wants, but you have full control of who you keep close. This is not someone to keep close. This is someone you USED to keep close. Sorry you went through all of that hurt and pain. I hope you've found a way to forgive and move forward and it sounds like you have found happiness with someone new.

 

Good luck to you!

[Edmund Exley]

I think you need to simply talk to your friend in an honest, not accusatory way. I honestly doubt she is trying to hurt you. Break ups are always awkward when mutual friends are involved and now that every one is all linked together via social media, the awkwardness is even harder to avoid.

 

Speak to your friend, without using guilt trips and "you shouldas". Simply say "It made me feel kinda sad that you decided to be friends with this girl, can you help me understand why?"

 

Avoid accusations of betrayal and "Me or her" ultimatums.

[indea08]

I agree with Edmund. This is a big enough issue that has hurt you badly enough that you should address it. If nothing else, at least just tell her that she's hurt you and let her do what she will with that information.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this it sounds like he had the affair right under your nose in your home. It may be best to unfriend, delete and block them from your fb and avoid them but be polite if you must see them. People can be fb friends with whomever they want, it rarely means much.

 

Hopefully you are no contact with your ex and have deleted blocked him as well.

He had an emotional affair with a girl 10 years younger.The ex of course immediately moved the awful girl into the house he and I shared together. I hate that this awful girl is now friends with my friends, it feels like my friend is putting her stamp of approval on this relationship and my ex's horrible behaviour.

[SophieGrace]

I agree with Sherry. I would not be friends with the woman and I wouldn't discuss it with her. In my opinion she lacks integrity, and I wouldn't trust or want to be friends with someone like that. I would still go to the women's group - just be polite, say "hello" and leave it at that.

 

The nice thing about ENA is you have a smorgasbord of advice to choose from

[DancingFool]

I'd say forget what she says "I'm on your side" and look at what she is doing, befriending the mistress. This didn't just happen. She was and still is in your ex's corner and has been playing both sides of the fence for awhile. Her bringing it up constantly how she is on your side was a clue by itself along the lines of who is she trying to convince.

 

In your shoes, I'd totally distance myself from her. No need to be nasty or confront her about it or even talk to her. She knows what she is and has been doing and that's her choice and that' fine. You don't need her in your life. If your paths cross often, then I'd just simply demote her to casual acquaintance and leave it at that. No need to stir the pot, but no need to keep her close to you as she has proven to you that she really isn't. At the end of the day, she owes you nothing and you owe her nothing. Friends do come and go throughout life. People change, dynamics change, friendships change.

[lucidious]

I don't think she was a real friend. She was your ex's friend so by default she had to befriend you. Now that he's with the mistress, she is friends with her because he's with her now. Just leave it be, don't confront her. By bringing it up, you might seem like the jealous ex who's not over it and she could be relaying info back to them. Forget about them block and go nc; what's the point of contact if it's just gonna remind you of the pain you went through.

[tattoobunnie]

Facebook friends DOES NOT MEAN Real friend in life.

 

Don't sweat over the ratiional of Millenials - some have 3000 friends, and probably only hang out with 5 or 10 if that in real life.

 

Go find a bigger problem in life. Not over social media connections.

[cantnotcare]

Facebook friends DOES NOT MEAN Real friend in life.

 

Don't sweat over the ratiional of Millenials - some have 3000 friends, and probably only hang out with 5 or 10 if that in real life.

 

Go find a bigger problem in life. Not over social media connections.

 

Interesting point tattoobunnie (and Wiseman2), but to say that this isn't a big problem when I'm so hurt by it is pretty callous, this is a relationships forum after all. I don't think I'm being irrational, this friend could have put her stamp of approval on the relationship in many different ways, this just happened to be the one that occurred.

 

 

I'm more than aware that they are not likely to be catching up every week and becoming besties, its the symbolism that I have a problem with. Like it or not, everyone my age (30) is on social media, its how we arrange gatherings, its how we talk when we can't get together in person. Being friends with someone on Facebook lets everyone else on Facebook know that you consent to the connection.

 

I hope that makes sense.

 

 

I don't have any contact with the ex or the girl, they blocked me from all social media platforms before I could (though the result is the same so whatever works) denial is powerful.

 

 

I guess the question now is to talk to her or not to talk to her. It's not really in my nature to cut someone off without first trying to work it out, we've been friends for almost 10 years, we're in a book club together, it doesn't seem right. But at the same time she's extremely hard to talk to, and she definitely knows what she's doing, I feel like she's relying on my social propriety to not make a big deal out of it.

 

I like Edmund and Indea's idea of talking calmly, but unsure I'm capable, or if it will cause a rift anyway.

 

 

Thank you all for your help this is a pretty tough one for me

[tattoobunnie]

Everyone has feelings - but it doesn't always mean you are thinking rationally.

 

I am friends with people's exes, and don't follow them, so I don't see anything they post in the feed, and in all cases, don't really remember their names, or even bother looking.

 

I think after a very tumultous time, and now things are going well with your new man, sometimes people have a small yearning to find drama in their lives.

 

You said you were blocked, so then how do you even know they are facebook friends? Are you cyberstalking them through your guy's profile, or created a new profile just to spy on them?

 

I'm sorry, but this is a non-issue. Unless they are hanging out, you have zero right to tell your friend who she can be FACEBOOK friends with. It's Facebook.

 

Instead of going down this pain where in reality, you are doing this to keep some pain with you as a way to not really move on yourself. Go find a bigger problem. Fill your life with love. Go volunteer. It's the holidays - do a food drive, soup kitchen. Learn a new skill or hobby.

 

Trust me - the problem is not with your friend - you still have issues to work out. Trust me - something like what you went through involves more than just time to get over, even with a good man. You really need to reassociate what has happended, and retrain your brain. Stop obsessing and leaving room for crap like this to drive you mad. Go find love, understanding, and that's the only way you will truly be able to move on.

 

Really think of it this way - instead of asking her if the two of them are facebook friends with a benefit of a doubt, you are convinced there's a giant conspiracy behind it. I guarantee you there isn't. You've got a lot of pain to recover from - and taking out how you were betrayed onto your friend. Just breathe, relax - do what you need to do to find a bigger problem in life.

[SherrySher]

Way to belittle OP's feelings and the pain she went through with her ex husband and this woman.

She has a right to feel hurt that she thought this woman was a friend and had seen her through her worst pain and yet, still goes to the mistress, in whatever form.

 

This is an issues many face when a marriage or relationship breaks up. The mutual friends and the two people who had been involved can have many confusing and hurt feelings.

There is nothing wrong with that and there is nothing wrong with OP. A betrayal does hurt, even in it's smallest form. Has OP not had enough pain already from these two people?

Geesh, Tattoobunnie, try and have some empathy and different perspective here.

I agree that Facebook is lame, however it still has it's ways of hurting people.

[tattoobunnie]

I'm not trying to belittle her - I've been in the OPs shoes.

 

She is jumping to conclusions, and that will help her progress. Instead of just asking her friend what's up with that, and sharing how it makes her feel, the OP has turned it into a giant act of betrayal - OVER FACEBOOK.

 

I know what it's like to be absorb in any little indication of it all had to mean something - that life sucks for them, or that someone is evil, and she wants to catch them, and feel vindicated. All of that mindset really just keeps you in a bad place.

 

Just find the path to be able to put those rocks and bags down she's been carrying - it takes a while to let the boulders go, but obsessing over something like this keeps them on your shoulders.

 

We are all assuming the friend is "facebook" friends with the girl (even though she blocked the OP) that there is more to it. Sorry, but you can't live life finding meaning in whether or not you're facebook friends. The OP should take a deep breath. Is she really bothered by her friend being facebook friends with the person, or is she still working out and processing her betrayal from her ex? I find to immense anxiety that she is feeling is displacement from the ex onto her friend.