can't remember childhood sexual abuse?

[xanonok]

it took me a long time to open up about this so please be gentle ❤️

 

i've been having issues for as long as i can remember regarding my sexuality. here are some of the things i've been dealing with.

 

ages 0 - 4: i have zero recollection of these times. i was told that my sister's father attempted to molest/rape me at around 1-4 years old. i can't confirm this because i have no memory of said event.

 

age 5: compulsive masturbation. we're talking upto 25 times a day. I can and could only masturbate to older men. around age 40-50. always involving force, fear, "performing" or being asleep.

 

age 6: i attempted to get my neighbor undress in front of me (same age girl)

 

ages 7 - 13: ritualistic showering. i probably showered 10 - 15 times a day. compulsive masturbation continues. still the same rape, fear, or sleeping scenario with and older (40+ year) old unattractive man. I was also sexually abused daily by the boys around my neighborhood during this period. gang molesation was a common occurrence.

 

ages 14 - 17: i moved and left that part of my life behind me. I wasn't aware that I had problems with sex until I became sexually active with my boyfriend (age 16). I could only achieve an orgasm on my own and once again only to the the same scenario of abuse. I had one experience where I got close to a climax and had a flashback -- i then cried readily. I couldn't have anyone touch my breasts. the first time I preformed oral (consentually) I cried. I couldn't have sex in the missionary position. I couldn't make eye contact. I couldn't accept sexual pleasure from people who i wasn't scared of or disgusted by.

 

current age of 18: I have since forced myself to work on these issues. but still deal with compulsive masturbation to the same scenarios. Reading of or the recreation of a rape scenario admittedly turn me on. UNLESS it's a real scenario. I almost get a sick "unreal" feeling followed by a panic attack. I have suffered from eating disorders and self injury.

 

other information: I can't look at pictures of myself from ages 0 - 5ish without getting the same "unreal" feeling occurring -- i cry with that too. I have OCD and generalized anxiety. I hate mayo (this might be unrelated). I was raped again at age 16 by an older man. This i do remember.

 

please help me. this is causing me significant discomfort. I feel so disgusted after masturbation but it's like I can't really stop. I worry i'm going to be like this forever.

 

am i being crazy thinking that I could have been sexually abused? or is this a real possibility.

[Capricorn3]

i was told that my sister's father attempted to molest/rape me at around 1-4 years old. i can't confirm this because i have no memory of said event.

WHO told you that? I'm just trying hard to understand WHY someone would tell you this, knowing this person raped and molested you when you were pretty much a baby, and not report it to the authorities.

 

Have you ever been for counselling/therapy?

[Wiseman2]

The only person who can tell you is a licensed therapist who you have to be honest with and have multiple intensive sessions with. Self diagnosing off the internet will not help you and can result in these 'textbook' style "memories", rather than seeking the real truth and really helping you..

age 5: compulsive masturbation. I have OCD and generalized anxiety. I hate mayo (this might be unrelated). I was raped again at age 16 by an older man.

[Wiseman2]

Same thread/topic? ] scenario with and older (40+ year) old unattractive man.

[abitbroken]

Who told you you were molested?

 

And why aren't you in therapy if so?

[ThatwasThen]

ages 0 - 4: i have zero recollection of these times. i was told that my sister's father attempted to molest/rape me at around 1-4 years old. i can't confirm this because i have no memory of said event.

Yes, please share who told you this and what is the reason why you can't confirm it? Also: When were you told about this alleged incident?

 

age 5: compulsive masturbation. we're talking upto 25 times a day. I can and could only masturbate to older men. around age 40-50. always involving force, fear, "performing" or being asleep.

At 5 you had that particular "visual" while self pleasuring?

 

I was also sexually abused daily by the boys around my neighborhood during this period. gang molesation was a common occurrence.

Did you report this abuse to someone? If not, why not? If yes, what was done about it? Where are your parents now and have you had a good relationship with them?

current age of 18: I have since forced myself to work on these issues.

How are you doing that? Are you in active professional therapy?

[Anonnn]

Holy. Our situations are so similar. I can relate to ALOT of this. Wiseman2 forwarded your post to me aswell (i see he commented on yours too) and i really didn't expect to see such a similar story. Thankyou for sharing this. I feel a little more sane knowing that i'm not the only one experiencing these things.