I forgave him for cheating. Is this okay?

[Bobsburgers]

So a bit of a complicated story, but i'm here to see if I was wrong in my decision to forgive my boyfriend. About 6-7 months back in May my boyfriend broke up with me. Prior to this we had a pretty rocky relationship and he was dealing with severe depression (our failing relationship being the majority of the cause)we had broken up and got back together during this time but it still just wasnt working.

 

At one point he basically said he didn't know if this was working out and he didnt really want to be with me and i kinda freaked out on him. It was confusing and hard, and later that night i called him and said we'd meet in two days and he could either stay with me or leave me. When we talked he admitted to meeting someone else and having feelings for her. It hurt ti hear but i asked if he's acted on it and he said no.

 

Two days later, he officially broke it off. i was heart broken and he was immediately with the other girl. Eventually he couldnt take it and we got back together around a month later and promised to give this our all. So far we have stayed happily together for these past 7 months and I'm totally happy being with him. There's only one issue.

 

At one point I made a joke about looking at his texts with his ex girlfriend (the one he dated during our break up) and he said it actually wouldn't bother him because he has nothing to hide. I didnt actually want to cause i was teasing and i just made another joke about him sexting her before we broke up. He was like 'pfft shut up" and then asked for the offcial date we broke up. When i said it was the 25th he looked freaked out and left for the bathroom.

 

A couple minutes later he came and layed on the bed really sad looking and i immediatly went to comfort him and asked him what was wrong. He asked me what i thought of cheating and i went on a mini rant about how it's awful and i'd never forgive someone if they did that to me (i had no idea he had cheated when i said this)

 

Basically he said that before the night that he told me he didnt know if it was working, he had met this other girl and held hands and kissed her cheek etc. Pretty tame stuff. But after our call (when he admitted to liking her) he met her the next day and they basically went on a date and made out and stuff. This was before he "officially" broke it off with me.

 

 

So my issue is, is it okay that i forgave him for this because he had already admitting to not wanting to be with me/already planned to break it off? Does that make this an exception? He has apologized and cried a lot, and I don't want to make him feel worse.

 

Or is this no different from regular cheating? I've made it very clear that wasnt okay what he did. I was pretty mad about it at first. But i eventually forgave him and we're happy at the moment so I'm not willing to end what we have now based on that.

 

And i often hear people say the term "if he did it once he'll do it again" does that apply to this? I feel the only reason he acted this way was because we were not functioning and he already planned to break up with me. Or does that rule still apply?

 

Sorry this hasnt been totally consistant. I'm mostly just unsure if i should let it be the past and get over it or if i'm being a pushover by doing that

[agent1607307371]

You get to choose how you run your relationship. But one thing I would caution is that if you've forgiven him and taken him back, you can't throw this in his face when you have an argument, and you can't dwell on it and start testing him.

 

If you move on, you have to move on.

 

That said, a relationship where you keep breaking up, doesn't sound like the healthiest or strongest of relationships.

[j.man]

Precisely as Agent put it.

 

You're at a fork in the road. You either leave or stay. Most would leave and understandably so. Some would stay.

 

This is your opportunity to leave. That is your recourse. The mistake too many people make is they take the event and turn it into collateral, holding it above their partner until they "earn" trust again, using it as a license to control.

 

Some people don't cheat again. Life would be much simpler of blanket statements like "once a cheater... " were universal truths. It's up to you if you wanna navigate through the gray area or not.

[Wiseman2]

He may break up on and off by staging arguments, going silent, etc. so that he can step out again and it won't "officially" be cheating. Or whenever it's not working he'll be on the prowl to see what's out there before he "officially" breaks up.

And i often hear people say the term "if he did it once he'll do it again" does that apply to this? I feel the only reason he acted this way was because we were not functioning and he already planned to break up with me.

[ParisPaulette]

The cheating thing, wellll it's a gray area in this case. This isn't the black and white, you are together, no clue about this other person or breaking up, and the bam he cheated.

 

What would concern me more is that he dumped you after he decided he fancied another girl instead. Did you ever find out why he came back to you? Was it because she a) dumped him or b) wasn't such a great person after all or c) he realized he missed you more and had made a terrible mistake. One that he was willing to admit and come back and try to reconcile.

 

If it's a or b, then chances are strong this might happen again. If it's c your chances are better, but we can't predict life.

 

If it were me I would tell him he gets forgiven on this one, it will never be brought up again, BUT if he ever finds himself fancying someone else and breaks up again with me OR he cheats then no matter what he says or does he will not be allowed back. At that point you can tell him this is his second chance, he will not get a third. And then you stick by that boundary and you move forward.

 

As others have said, you are either all in or all out now, and if it's going good and looks good then it sounds like it's fine. If you are not fine with what happened you need to be honest with yourself first and foremost, and really ask yourself if it's something you can move past. If you really can't then you need to walk away and tell him it's done. None of this half-in, half-out, because that will drive you mad.

 

Decide what are your boundaries and what is the final dealbreaker where you wouldn't take him back even if he showed up on a pure white horse with a bag of money and your favorite celebrity in tow to take you out/sing to you/get you backstage passes.

 

And then you stick with it, because this is in the end your decision and no one else's.

[mustlovedogs]

I think, as far as cheating goes, this is somewhat harmless. Only because he immediately ended things with you after kissing her. He didn't lead you on or really deceive you, and he fessed up as soon as he realized the date. I tend to think that makes him more honest. Just my two cents.

[Bobsburgers]

Thank you very much. And yes, it was C. we hadnt seen eachother at all for the duration of the breakup and when he was with her until we both attended a college meeting and we both missed eachother dearly so we agreed to hang out after as "friends" (because prior to the break up we saw eachother every day and were like besties) and he was still with her and said things were going good. but our "hangout" as friends led to us both sobbing in his car about out failed relationship. we were by my house so i said "im sorry we met wiyh eachother again. We're notnready" and went home. a couple of days later he sent me a huge text about being sorry and being confused and not knowing what to do, but knew he wanted to be with me again. we met a couple days later at another college meeting, and he told me he had broke up with the girl. so yeah thats what happened. Thanks though. I really appreciate this message

[Bobsburgers]

Yes he's always been really honest. A long time ago i had a huge issue with porn (i was 16, idk why. i dont care anymore though) and freaked iut when he said he watched it. he agreed to not watch ot again but after a while of stopping he (reasonably so) did it, but he immediately called me and told me. something that wiuld have been easy to hide. but i've never doubted his honesty

[Longview01]

You know...relationships are supposed to be enjoyable...do you even enjoy all this drama?

 

Also I couldn't imagine ringing up my partner to confess I just pleasured myself to some porn lol

[ParisPaulette]

If it's C and things are going well with the relationship and you both have addressed and are addressing why you broke up in the first place, then this has a better chance of working out than if it was either a or b.

 

I say better, because no one, not even yourselves can fully predict all outcomes. But if you can fully forgive him and it is working out then why not give it a try? You will only risk what everyone risks in a relationship anyways. And I don't really see this as chronic cheater behavior, what he did.

[Raaawr]

So a bit of a complicated story, but i'm here to see if I was wrong in my decision to forgive my boyfriend. About 6-7 months back in May my boyfriend broke up with me. Prior to this we had a pretty rocky relationship and he was dealing with severe depression (our failing relationship being the majority of the cause)we had broken up and got back together during this time but it still just wasnt working.

 

In my opinion, as someone who is dealing with depression and has done in relationships in the past. It is not an excuse to neglect your relationship and end it and it needs to be stopped being used as an excuse.

 

 

At one point I made a joke about looking at his texts with his ex girlfriend (the one he dated during our break up) and he said it actually wouldn't bother him because he has nothing to hide. I didnt actually want to cause i was teasing and i just made another joke about him sexting her before we broke up. He was like 'pfft shut up" and then asked for the offcial date we broke up. When i said it was the 25th he looked freaked out and left for the bathroom.

 

Dont look at peoples texts! If you look for something hard enough, you will find something. Even if there is actually nothing there. In your head you will find something, even if it is only the seed of doubt that will make you check again. When I am feeling down on myself there is nothing more I want to do than pick up my girlfriends phone and go through it. I want to read everything and reassure myself that she is not doing anything. But I know it is a slippery slope. I am however of the opinion that any partner should be allowed to pick up a partners phone and look through it without any repercussions or scolding.

 

A couple minutes later he came and layed on the bed really sad looking and i immediatly went to comfort him and asked him what was wrong. He asked me what i thought of cheating and i went on a mini rant about how it's awful and i'd never forgive someone if they did that to me (i had no idea he had cheated when i said this)

 

Basically he said that before the night that he told me he didnt know if it was working, he had met this other girl and held hands and kissed her cheek etc. Pretty tame stuff. But after our call (when he admitted to liking her) he met her the next day and they basically went on a date and made out and stuff. This was before he "officially" broke it off with me.

 

Look, "officials" are only dates. What came before and what came after doesn't really matter in such a small time frame. Broken up or not is just a technicality in my opinion.

 

So my issue is, is it okay that i forgave him for this because he had already admitting to not wanting to be with me/already planned to break it off? Does that make this an exception? He has apologized and cried a lot, and I don't want to make him feel worse.

 

Only you can decide if it is ok to forgive him. Stop letting him use this depression as a shield. It does not allow him to hide from things. People can only tell you what they would do, and those people dont know you or him.

 

Or is this no different from regular cheating? I've made it very clear that wasnt okay what he did. I was pretty mad about it at first. But i eventually forgave him and we're happy at the moment so I'm not willing to end what we have now based on that.

 

Cheating is cheating. If you feel betrayed and that he broke your trust. He cheated on you.

 

And i often hear people say the term "if he did it once he'll do it again" does that apply to this? I feel the only reason he acted this way was because we were not functioning and he already planned to break up with me. Or does that rule still apply?

 

Are cheaters always cheaters? I dont know. I would honestly say no. Sometimes people do it once, regret it and never do it again. Sometimes people do it once, dont regret it because they believe their reasons were valid and never do it again. Sometimes people do it 50 times, find the "special one" by cheating and never cheat again. No one knows. He could do it again. He may not. The real issue here is, can you trust him not to do it again? Because if you cant, you need to end it. Because this will only cause you hurt and misery and no amount of reassurance from him will ever get rid of the feeling that he did it once, he will do it again. If you can trust him, then you just have to forget the past and move forward.