Really Need Advice

[mike74]

I can’t believe i’m actually doing this, but I have to let it out and I really don’t have anyone who can help or who probably really wants to listen.

I absolutely hate where I live. I really do. I HATE it with a growing unhealthy passion.

I live in Texas, in a large town called Arlington. It’s the real home of the Dallas Cowboys, located approximately forty minutes from the city of Dallas.

I moved to Texas just over three years ago from Salem Massachusetts for a woman. We had a wild on again off again relationship that lasted about a year and a half before finally breaking up for good.

In that time, I decided to stay in Texas despite my relationship not working out because of the relatively low cost of living and plentiful jobs. Besides, it’s not like there’s much waiting for me back in Massachusetts except for a lot of bitter sweet memories. As disappointing as the breakup was, I knew it wasn’t the end and I stayed positive and productive. I continued my life like anybody normally would spending most of my days working and just going about life. I guess you could say everything was fine, except for one glaring nagging feeling that I don’t really fit in.

Now I’m not a social . I’ve always preferred having a close group of true loyal friends over a bunch of talking heads. I have a lot of strong qualities and interests that should make me easy to talk too, I play the guitar, I like the NFL, UFC, to name a few. You know basic guy stuff.

Well, despite working with a lot of guys and making some decent “work place” friends. Things never really clicked or felt genuine. These “guys” were more like “boys” and are mostly interested in being drinking and smoking buddies. That’s not my thing. To be honest, I’ve struggled with alcohol addiction and depression and I wasn’t looking for a drinking buddy to feed my problems. Honestly, I don’t like hanging out with other men much at all, unless we are doing something specific like playing guitar or working on a project. I simply have always been the type to prefer the company of women. Around here that feels near impossible, because women around here are sparse and well, they have a “different” way of thinking to put it politely.

I’m not going to waste time talking about all the disastrous dates and aggravating miss attempts I had to endure trying to meet a women here. The male to female ratio where live is greatly in the females favor. It is very well known among other guys that the dating scene where I live could be the plot for Stephen Kings next horror novel. As aggravating as it is not getting laid, much less not having any meaningful form of relationship of any kind, I want to emphasize that this isn’t even my biggest complaint abut where I live.

I have discovered that even on my days off when I have a pocket full of money and a desire to go out and do something, there’s simply nothing for me to do without me driving at LEAST thirty to forty five minutes one way to get there. Hiking, fishing, camping, kayaking anything out doors at all. Even going to find a decent bar or club on Friday night is still near impossible without again driving thirty minutes to get there. I even signed up for meetup.com to meet single women and make friends in general. And guess what? The nearest meetup group is a full thirty minute drive away AND the same two or three people only seem to show up every week. (If you don’t think a thirty minute drive is that bad, remember Texas is a huge state with mostly interstate driving. It’s the equivalent of traveling through two or three towns in many states. Hell, even my church is a thirty minute drive away.)

A lot of people aren’t going to like this, but I have to be honest. When I look around where I live I see a lot of polite bigotry and biasness. The population where I live is predominantly black and Mexican. It’s also a weird mix of affluent neighborhoods nestled nicely in what is pretty much a larger ghetto. People around here simply do not give a about anyone or anything not directly pertaining to them, LITERALLY. Black people clearly view themselves as americas victims, and mexicans simply don’t give a because they can play stupid or just up and leave the country at any time. Those attitudes literally build a division between people and make where I live almost impossible to enjoy on any level. I didn’t know I was supposed to be ashamed for being white. Luckily for me there’s a nice strong sense of racial acceptance where I live. Just don’t voice your biasness too loud and everything will be fine.

I do plan on moving towards Austin Texas in the spring or summer. Austin is a lot more forward thinking. It’s a city that values culture, music and public socializing to name a few. Cashiers in shops will actually look you in the eye and smile when you walk up. Meetup groups of all types are abundant and there’s always something to do.

I’m going to end this by stating the obvious. I’m lonely as all hell and I’m genuinely starting to grow bitter. (I had the idea of taking a mini vacation to Austin about once a month to escape. Until I realized I got twice as grumpy after being back in Arlington after a day or two lol.)

At this point I really don’t know what to say or do. Normally typing is a good outlet for me to get out my frustrations, but nothing has changed and I highly doubt anything will change. I am forced to sit in my freaking, room in this freaking city alone for at least another six months. And it’s not like I’m made of money btw, so I have to figure out how to come up with the money to move, finding a new job and hope like hell that I actually fit in somewhere or with at least someone. I am not going to change who I am. I won’t let this bitterness take me. I’m alone in this and it feels like I was genuinely born to be alone.

 

There is one issue that I haven’t spoken much about and that’s my depression and alcoholism. I understand that my battle with trying to stay sober has hindered a lot of relationships, both with guys and gals. I feel self conscious about how I look after a nice long week of binge drinking, so I used to pull away from people and tend to be reclusive. The drinking was pretty bad there for a long time and although I seem to be doing better and better with my sobriety as time passes, but honestly, me staying sober has not fixed all the glaring issues outside of me.

I’m someone who looks for positives in life. I don’t play the victim and I take accountability. I’m just tired of living alone. Of being alone of having no friends, no woman. Hell, I been alone for so long I even started talking to myself about five years ago. I don’t answer myself or have conversations with any form of voice, thank god lol. Mostly I think out loud, but still.

 

Any advice an insight is desperately needed. just don’t b.s. me.

 

Thanks

[Wiseman2]

You can't put a left foot in a right shoe and expect it to fit. Move to Austin, particularly for the music scene.

[Edmund Exley]

Yeah I've been to Arlington. I couldn't live there.

[zeino]

So this Arlington is no Darlington for you. (Thanks for tolerating my corny joke, I'm not a native speaker and am very proud when I'm able to come up stuff like this )

 

Congratulations for maintaining your sobriety despite these suffocating conditions, taking responsibility of who you are and also knowing what you like and don't like.

 

I'm Al-Anonic myself, this is the 12 step group for friends and families of alcoholics and we are an easily frustrated bunch dring earlier stages of our recovery. basically, the entire planet is Arlington for us.

I don't know if my suggestions would feel like bull to you but I would like to share them nevertheless.

 

basically, I would focus on acceptance here. Not stubbornly (Al-anonic trait) try to control my situation (by developing impossible expectations from a place that can so obviously not meet them) but just drop expectations and accept that I'm in a pit for a bit. Accepting this doesn't mean that I have to love the place, obviously I will not and I am allowed to hate it, but I will not let it wind me up. That means codependency is controlling me. When I feel like beginning to wind up, I can remind myself that I have already made up my mind about this place and nothing has changed. To increase my frustration tolerance, I can remind myself that "I can do something for twelve hours that would appall me if I felt that I had to keep it up for a lifetime." I know yours is six months, but I'm sure there will be little breaks in between.

 

I would see this simply as an experience that can turn into growth if I make the most of it. I would not allow this place to lead me to generalizations about how my life will be for the rest of my life. I would suspend all of those for 6 months now. Live each day as it comes, one day at a time until I manage to get out. Have you ever thought of starting a blog where you can journal your daily life and maybe think about the issues you are facing there? I think this allows us sometimes to think about our experiences in new ways or helps us let off steam a bit.

 

My sponsor would remind me of gratefulness, as homework. It really helps me when I look around and cannot find anything positive. I learn to see better because looking back on my life, I was at a worse place in the past and I'm grateful that I'm not there any more. Yesterday, waking up to a bitter world, I expressed my gratefulness that I had a roof on top of my head - which cannot be taken for granted always. I also felt grateful that despite my health problems, I didn't have something worse - which I could so easily have.

 

How about trying to spend these 6 months learning something new? Something you always wanted but never had the time for? Online or in-class?

[mike74]

So this Arlington is no Darlington for you. (Thanks for tolerating my corny joke, I'm not a native speaker and am very proud when I'm able to come up stuff like this )

 

Congratulations for maintaining your sobriety despite these suffocating conditions, taking responsibility of who you are and also knowing what you like and don't like.

 

I'm Al-Anonic myself, this is the 12 step group for friends and families of alcoholics and we are an easily frustrated bunch dring earlier stages of our recovery. basically, the entire planet is Arlington for us.

I don't know if my suggestions would feel like bull to you but I would like to share them nevertheless.

 

basically, I would focus on acceptance here. Not stubbornly (Al-anonic trait) try to control my situation (by developing impossible expectations from a place that can so obviously not meet them) but just drop expectations and accept that I'm in a pit for a bit. Accepting this doesn't mean that I have to love the place, obviously I will not and I am allowed to hate it, but I will not let it wind me up. That means codependency is controlling me. When I feel like beginning to wind up, I can remind myself that I have already made up my mind about this place and nothing has changed. To increase my frustration tolerance, I can remind myself that "I can do something for twelve hours that would appall me if I felt that I had to keep it up for a lifetime." I know yours is six months, but I'm sure there will be little breaks in between.

 

I would see this simply as an experience that can turn into growth if I make the most of it. I would not allow this place to lead me to generalizations about how my life will be for the rest of my life. I would suspend all of those for 6 months now. Live each day as it comes, one day at a time until I manage to get out. Have you ever thought of starting a blog where you can journal your daily life and maybe think about the issues you are facing there? I think this allows us sometimes to think about our experiences in new ways or helps us let off steam a bit.

 

My sponsor would remind me of gratefulness, as homework. It really helps me when I look around and cannot find anything positive. I learn to see better because looking back on my life, I was at a worse place in the past and I'm grateful that I'm not there any more. Yesterday, waking up to a bitter world, I expressed my gratefulness that I had a roof on top of my head - which cannot be taken for granted always. I also felt grateful that despite my health problems, I didn't have something worse - which I could so easily have.

 

How about trying to spend these 6 months learning something new? Something you always wanted but never had the time for? Online or in-class?

 

Thank you for your thoughtful reply. I have never spoken with someone involved with al-anon before. It's good to see your quick to jump to conclusions like the regular recovering alcoholics

 

There have been times when I feel that my battle with alcohol is in control of my life and is the core of my problems, because it has been. BUT this isn't one of those situations. It feels more like you're using the coping skills taught by al-anon to apply to EVERY situation and problem. (I know I brought up the alcohol.)

 

Honesty, I have adopted it's a not me, but it's YOU type mindsight (you being the city of Arlington) unfortunately, I'm proven correct about that about once a month.

Like I tried to demonstrate above, trying to get out and meet people and join groups is something I have been actively doing. If anything I'm frustrated with the lack of time to pursue my own hobbies and interest and the results and people I meet in the groups.

I basically decided that my only real relief until I move is to simply vent. If things haven't worked out here in two years, im not going to wait fot it to change.

I can't change my city no matter how I try and believe it or not I'm actually very happy with myself.

[Wiseman2]

Agree it's the same country but it's a different mentality/culture than New England. Could be culture shock if you don't want to date cheerleaders,etc. Just enjoy the steak, games, events and clubs with music until you head to Austin.

I have adopted it's a not me, but it's YOU type mindsight

[journeynow]

I'm all for relocating when the place doesn't fit. And a nice thing is, you live in a big country. There are many places you could relocate to. I'd suggest finding a job first, even if it's a volunteer that provides room and board if money is tight. If you really want to move, and moving things are expensive, don't move stuff, just move you, and consider selling your belongings if you have them to finance the move. At 20 I moved across country because I felt I never fit in the place I grew up, and it was my best decision ever. I've never regretted it, this area I'm in felt like home from day 1, and I've been here somewhere between 30 years and forever.