Validation that I did the right thing

[greta96]

So very recently an ex of mine of 4-5 years (broke up because he was non-committal, flakey and all that jazz), surprised me by confessing that he'd missed me, talking with me, being friends with me, and that he took all blame for the relationship being as cr@ppy as it was (rightfully so!). He wanted us to get back to being friends and make it up to me for all the bad he'd done in the past.

 

Before some of you bring up the fact that I shouldn't have even talked to this ex because I am not single now, let me reassure you that my partner knows about this, he knew me even back when I was dating this ex, gave me advice at the time, and was now supportive of me potentially rekindling a friendship with this ex because he knew it would be some sort of closure for me and a chance to come to terms with the past. He is the type to stay friends with his own exes so "friends with an ex" is something we are both ok with.

 

Anyway, I had a few phone conversations with this ex, nothing heavy, just catching up, very pleasant conversations and it seemed all was good with the world. Until I asked if he was in a relationship and it turns out he was, not with just anybody but with the woman he was cheating on me with, all those years ago. So he wanted me to be his friend, hang out sometimes, despite how much he had hurt me by always flirting in my face with that woman, and eventually dumping me for her.

 

I flew off the handle and told him off, and long story short we are now more enemies than we've ever been.

 

I wouldn't have minded this friendship, and I would have been fine if he was in a relationship with anyone else (provided she would have been ok with me bring friends with him, of course). But this woman? I just felt I couldn't do it.

 

Was I wrong? Would you guys be ok being friends with an ex who was in a relationship with the person they cheated on you with and dumped you for?

[Brotherhood67]

Hello Greta,

 

I'm a man and I did exactly the same thing for my most recent ex, even though she didn't physically cheat with him but only emotionaly and we didn't part ways in anger.

 

I can't begin to understand people who are ready to commit to a friendship with patented liars.

 

I mean, those people literally lied to you when you probably were the closest person to them in their lives so why bother ?

 

Do you want liars, treacherous people or cowards as friends ? I sure as hell do not.

[Edmund Exley]

Wait so you were OK getting over the fact that he cheated on you, but not OK he was still committed to the person he cheated with.

 

You need to take a deeper look at that.

[Ms Darcy]

Hmmm, sorry Greta, I have to go with Edmund on this.

 

I can imagine myself sort of friends with an ex if there was no cheating involved. BUT the fact that he cheated would make me done with him forever. Not the fact that he is with the other woman.

 

So I think to Ed's point, there's more going on on your side perhaps. Could your ego been inflated when you heard he missed you and then deflated when you heard he is with the other woman? Or perhaps you feel you wanted him to have more consequences for what he did other than missing your friendship?

 

Just curious, is your partner your husband or your bf? People use that interchangeably, but I think you mean b. I don't think this negatively reflects on your current relationship, but you know .... It could. Getting that angry might bring you back mentally to that post breakup place, who knows. So be careful. Good luck.

[greta96]

Wait so you were OK getting over the fact that he cheated on you, but not OK he was still committed to the person he cheated with.

 

You need to take a deeper look at that.

 

There would still have been lots of resentment, but ideally I would have liked to put all that negative stuff behind me and at least be on good terms with him. I don't hold grudges and given a chance to patch things up (with anyone), I grab it. I just couldn't do it knowing he was still involved with the woman he betrayed me with, no matter how forgiving I am it looks like there are certain things I can't forgive and forget.

But you're right, I am aware my judgement is a bit (or a lot?) flawed when it comes to this person.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this. It's a cautionary tale about why being friends with exes is nonsense and why blocking is so magical.

I asked if he was in a relationship and it turns out he was, not with just anybody but with the woman he was cheating on me with, all those years ago. So he wanted me to be his friend, hang out sometimes.

[greta96]

Could your ego been inflated when you heard he missed you and then deflated when you heard he is with the other woman?

....

Just curious, is your partner your husband or your bf? People use that interchangeably, but I think you mean b. I don't think this negatively reflects on your current relationship, but you know .... It could. Getting that angry might bring you back mentally to that post breakup place, who knows. So be careful. Good luck.

 

Absolutely, Ms Darcy. You are spot on, my ego was inflated when I heard all that nice stuff, because I had wanted to hear them for years including back when we were together. Now it is of course deflated because well, he is still with the woman he dumped me for, so why would he think I would even consider being anything to him? I mean, he did choose her over me, which means he thought she was better than me in whatever way. Only someone with zero self respect would go for that type of deal - at least that's what I think?

 

My partner is my bf, we have more of a companionship-like relationship and not a romantic one. It seems to work for us, there's 100% transparency, no drama, no heartache.

 

The ex will never be back in the picture, that's a given. But you're right, this thing did open up old, forgotten wounds and it did make me relive some of the old pains. I just wanted to make sure I wasn't wrong for refusing the friendship, under the circumstances. It's just that I feel like I was slapped in the face by him even approaching me with the idea, knowing who his girlfriend was.

[greta96]

Sorry to hear this. It's a cautionary tale about why being friends with exes is nonsense and why blocking is so magical.

 

No need for blocking in this case, he wouldn't contact me again unless he had a death wish lol (just kidding about the death wish of course!). I made it perfectly clear that a friendship is not in the cards.

[DancingFool]

First of all, there is no reason to ever be friends with ex's unless kids are involved. Surely surely there are other people in your life you can befriend who would be genuine reliable friends to you.

 

Wanting to talk and be friends with someone who has cheated on you, aka lied and betrayed you......you really need to take a close look at the choices you are making in life and the kind of company you choose to keep. This a bit of a fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice....... Besides, what would it say about you and your character when your friends are cheaters??? Remember that you friends are a reflection of you, so be wise about that.

 

Finally, reading between the lines, he isn't looking to be your "friend". What he is showing to you, and it appears you are missing entirely, is that he hasn't changed his spots at all. Since you were willing to play the love triangle before and be the long suffering jealous gf before, he was looking to see if with a little sweet talking he could hook you into that game again. Except now you'd be the other woman.

[greta96]

Finally, reading between the lines, he isn't looking to be your "friend". What he is showing to you, and it appears you are missing entirely, is that he hasn't changed his spots at all. Since you were willing to play the love triangle before and be the long suffering jealous gf before, he was looking to see if with a little sweet talking he could hook you into that game again. Except now you'd be the other woman.

 

Yes, I have a feeling that's the case too, I just didn't want to utter the words myself

All the nice things he said - probably just lies, to hook me up again. I'm sure he remembers how much of a doormat I was before, how many wrong doings I put up with, how I was letting him get away with pretty much everything... so he must have figured getting me to be a side piece would be a piece of cake. And not any side piece, but a side piece to the woman he actually cheated on me with! I'm still like wow! Luckily I worked on myself in the past few years, read around these forums, learned some things....it wasn't going to happen.

It's just...sad, embarrassing and insulting. I guess I still have a lot of work to do towards improving myself, because I know the best, smartest thing I should have done was not even hearing him out, but I didn't do that. Gotta toughen up even more!

[Doc Blaze]

I am still friends with a few exes..

 

 

the 2 exes who cheated, there has been no communication since I found out. No second chances on things like that. They didn't deserve to be part of my life anymore.

[DancingFool]

Yes, I have a feeling that's the case too, I just didn't want to utter the words myself

All the nice things he said - probably just lies, to hook me up again. I'm sure he remembers how much of a doormat I was before, how many wrong doings I put up with, how I was letting him get away with pretty much everything... so he must have figured getting me to be a side piece would be a piece of cake. And not any side piece, but a side piece to the woman he actually cheated on me with! I'm still like wow! Luckily I worked on myself in the past few years, read around these forums, learned some things....it wasn't going to happen.

It's just...sad, embarrassing and insulting. I guess I still have a lot of work to do towards improving myself, because I know the best, smartest thing I should have done was not even hearing him out, but I didn't do that. Gotta toughen up even more!

 

Well I'm glad that the thought did cross your mind. That is real progress.

 

Also, no need to be embarrassed at all. Realize that people like him don't think like the rest of us. They just work down their list until they hit up on someone in a weak moment and their game works. They don't even think of you as weak or strong. It's more like just statistical probabilities that if they call on enough women with their bs, eventually one of them will have a weak moment and fall for the bs. All you need to do is make sure you are never that woman. Don't be surprised if 6 months, a year from now he tries again and yeah, don't even bother answering or wondering what he wants. You already know what he wants.

 

Btw, I feel sorry for the woman he is with....although since she was helping him cheat....she kind of deserves the incoming burn.

[greta96]

Well I'm glad that the thought did cross your mind. That is real progress.

 

Also, no need to be embarrassed at all. Realize that people like him don't think like the rest of us. They just work down their list until they hit up on someone in a weak moment and their game works. They don't even think of you as weak or strong. It's more like just statistical probabilities that if they call on enough women with their bs, eventually one of them will have a weak moment and fall for the bs. All you need to do is make sure you are never that woman. Don't be surprised if 6 months, a year from now he tries again and yeah, don't even bother answering or wondering what he wants. You already know what he wants.

 

Btw, I feel sorry for the woman he is with....although since she was helping him cheat....she kind of deserves the incoming burn.

 

Absolutely! It's just sad that some people are like this, he is a really smart guy otherwise and very pleasant to be around (when you're on good terms with him, that is).

[Edmund Exley]

Absolutely! It's just sad that some people are like this, he is a really smart guy otherwise and very pleasant to be around (when you're on good terms with him, that is).

 

In many cases the ego is located squarely within the penis

[lostandhurt]

I think YOU were hoping he had changed and HE was hoping to get in your pants again.

 

If you step in dog crap the first thing you do is think "I can't believe I just stepped in dog crap" then you scrape it off your shoe and go about your day.

 

Scrape this guy off your shoe for good and go about your life.

 

You did the right thing...

 

Lost

[greta96]

I think YOU were hoping he had changed and HE was hoping to get in your pants again.

 

If you step in dog crap the first thing you do is think "I can't believe I just stepped in dog crap" then you scrape it off your shoe and go about your day.

 

Scrape this guy off your shoe for good and go about your life.

 

You did the right thing...

 

Lost

 

Yes, I was totally hoping that! Everything he said pointed towards that...

But as it turns out, I probably just witnessed him doing to her what he did to me with her. Or at this point I would venture even further and wonder whether I was the other woman back then too. All the sneaking around, the lies, seeing her around him all the time...for all I know, she may have been his girlfriend back then too, unbeknownst to me! How sick!!!

[Ms Darcy]

I agree this whole situation shows that he hasn't really changed at all. And perhaps that he misses having you in his back pocket.

[greta96]

I agree this whole situation shows that he hasn't really changed at all. And perhaps that he misses having you in his back pocket.

 

Yep... after all I always gave him chance after chance, no matter how poorly he treated me... no wonder he figured he'd try again. He doesn't realize that just because he doesn't change his ways, others may actually open their eyes and figure life out...

[zeino]

I think your ego should be inflated instead of being deflated because you are now able to see through this manipulative person and stand up for yourself even if it is not as quick as you would perhaps like it to be. It seems that you have a soft spot for him. All the better for you that you are able to practise your boundaries despite the soft spot. Kudos!

[greta96]

I think your ego should be inflated instead of being deflated because you are now able to see through this manipulative person and stand up for yourself even if it is not as quick as you would perhaps like it to be. It seems that you have a soft spot for him. All the better for you that you are able to practise your boundaries despite the soft spot. Kudos!

 

Thank you! I do feel pretty good about myself because I was able to stand up to him (despite the soft spot I have for him, you're right about that!), I absolutely wish I didn't even give him the chance I did but oh well...next time hopefully I'll do even better.

[notalady]

I would never be friends with an ex that cheated on me, regardless whether he's still with that person.

 

I think not holding a grudge means you let it go internally and go on to live your life without that burden, it doesn't mean you need to befriend or patch things up with someone who caused that pain to start with. Sometimes things are better left broken as it is.

 

If it was an old friend where you had a fall out and both of you contributed to that, no betrayal or bad character issue, then it's a different story.

 

Anyway you did the right thing in the end, but next time perhaps don't even put yourself through that.

[Dottieflanogon]

As mom says, when an ex comes along and says they want a "friend" the correct response is "get a dog".There's a reason an ex is an ex. 99.9% of the time they should stay that way. If you can't trust him in a relationship, You can't trust him as a friend either.Clean breaks have always worked for me.

[JaggerJim]

I think you liked the fact that he still has a torch for you, and he wants to disguise that under the guise of friendship. But when you found out he was still with the woman he left you for, it turned around and hurt your ego.

 

This is all ego. Nothing more. It's not Friendship no matter to the contrary.

[greta96]

I think you liked the fact that he still has a torch for you, and he wants to disguise that under the guise of friendship. But when you found out he was still with the woman he left you for, it turned around and hurt your ego.

 

This is all ego. Nothing more. It's not Friendship no matter to the contrary.

 

I think even him saying he missed me and regretted how things ended was a lie. How much could he have missed me when he picked the other woman, right? I think it was all a lie, not exactly sure why after all these years he thought doing this was a great idea but yeah, my ego was definitely bruised again lol.

[zeino]

I think this is a beneficial experience for your future vision actually. You have had the chance to see that he is the same manipulative, self-centred, entitled person he was. Are you still in a power fight with him? That i, he has now seen that you are still interested in him, does this matter to you? Good riddance on him. You are entitled to change your opinions any time. So that doesn't mean anything. One hidden trait of self-centred people is that they have next to zero imagination when it comes to the human condition, they have a frozen view of the world and dynamics and most of the time they cannot see further than the tip of their nose.