Travel Communication

[mcnugget]

My boyfriend and I are in our late twenties/early thirties. We have been in a relationship for approximately 4 or 5 months. Things have been generally pretty great.

 

Last weekend we had a lovely romantic weekend together and even took a trip. Everything was well at the beginning of the week and then he went on a business trip. The first day it was nice and normal. He communicated, sent pictures, said goodnight, etc. Second day he was didn’t send his usual good morning text, but did finally text in the afternoon I figured he was busy with work meetings/friends and tried not to be too upset about his stand-offishness. Third day he wasn’t himself, but by the time he was flying out in the evening he was warming up a bit. Unfortunately, he flew directly from a work trip to a family trip. He was nice and friendly the fourth day. I suggested he call that night and he did, but when we spoke and I said I had missed his voice he said it had only been four or five days. He was tired so we only spoke for 5 minutes before he got off and he said we would talk the next day. He was friendly the next, fifth day, but we didn’t talk on the phone. I had family in town for a couple of days too so things have been busy for both of us. The following, sixth day, I still got my good morning text, but his texts were hours between and not very engaging. He ignored all of my attempts at our usual banter and my suggestion that he call before bed was disregarded. I feel like something is wrong, but I don’t want to be an alarmist.

 

Please don’t get the impression that I am blowing up his phone with text messages. He will generally text me in the morning and I will respond. If we’re in a conversation we’ll go back and forth, but if there is nothing to respond to then I’ll easily go 3+ hours between sending texts and rarely are there double texts on my part. I try to let him take the lead on communication so that he doesn’t feel smothered. I get busy too so I don’t need us to be looking at our phones all day. He travels a lot and I can’t maintain a connection when I don’t talk to someone for 2 weeks or in this case I will maybe have only had the five minutes I convinced him to give me that one evening. I can handle travel, but relationships require work to maintain a consistent connection. Maybe I am overreacting to his texting and he’s just busy with his family, but I don’t know because I’m not talking to him. He’s going to be out of town for another week and then he has a lot more travel coming up. Honestly, I don’t know how to handle another week of this lack of communication. I don’t know if I should address it now or wait until he is home. I don’t want a fight while he is gone, but I am very afraid of the connection totally disappearing by the time he gets home.

 

I don’t want to be too needy as I know that I am definitely the needier one in the relationship. I want to give him time to miss me. At the same time, I don’t really know how to walk that line between giving him space and not really being in a relationship anymore. He is going to be away for at least 4 out of the next 6 weeks so it is something that needs to be figured out. I feel like I was much cooler about things when he went on previous trips, but earlier on there was a different balance. Now I am more invested and some of his infatuation has worn off. Things are fantastic when we're together, but this travel communication has me feeling insecure especially given little things like his "single" status on Facebook.

 

I would appreciate any advice.

[Snny]

I have to agree that you are smothering him with constant texting.

 

Second day he was didn’t send his usual good morning text, but did finally text in the afternoon I figured he was busy with work meetings/friends and tried not to be too upset about his stand-offishness. Third day he wasn’t himself, but by the time he was flying out in the evening he was warming up a bit. Unfortunately, he flew directly from a work trip to a family trip.

Girl, give him a break. He is spending time with family and may not have time to talk. You "trying not to get upset" is very concerning. It reveals clingyness and it will drive people away.

 

He will generally text me in the morning and I will respond. If we’re in a conversation we’ll go back and forth, but if there is nothing to respond to then I’ll easily go 3+ hours between sending texts and rarely are there double texts on my part. I try to let him take the lead on communication so that he doesn’t feel smothered.

Why not pick up the phone and call him to have an actual conversation? The problem with text messaging is that those messages often get misconstrued. A relationship needs to have better communication than just resorting to texts.

 

Maybe I am overreacting to his texting and he’s just busy with his family, but I don’t know because I’m not talking to him. He’s going to be out of town for another week and then he has a lot more travel coming up. Honestly, I don’t know how to handle another week of this lack of communication.

How do you think military SOs/wives deal with their man being deployed for MONTHS? Especially when they are constantly at risk of getting killed during active duty? You may think you have it bad, but you really don't.

 

And how those awesome ladies handle their anxiety is by having a social life; going out with friends, doing other activities, drowning themselves in work, or picking up a new hobby. You may have to do the same thing. Realize you are dating a man who travels for a living and that what you are experiencing is the typical dynamic of being in a relationship with a traveling business man. I used to work with a colleague who only got to see her husband 5 times in a year because her husband traveled for his job.

 

You either handle it or you walk. But if you are clingy and rely on multiple text messages everyday, you will not survive in a long distance relationship. I can't tell you what to do here, not can anyone here. You have to decide if you can handle this. But based on your post it doesn't seem like you both are compatible.

[Batya33]

I agree with Snny - if he is traveling on business especially you can't expect to keep chatting. Keeping a connection also requires caring enough about the person so that you can give the person space when he needs it, too. Your form of "communication" is far too self-serving because it's too focused on your needs and need for reassurance -to keep him on a short leash.

[Edmund Exley]

More proof that text messaging will bring the end of modern civilization.

[Batya33]

More proof that text messaging will bring the end of modern civilization.

 

Depends how it's used -my husband and I almost never texted until a few months ago - been together 11 years - when we were dating we spoke by phone once a day for a longer time and emailed some during the day. Texting is a great way to keep in touch but the OP is misusing it as a way to regularly check in - it's troubling that to her 3 hours is a significant period of time without being in touch. Life is much more interesting when you save up the highlights of your day -especially the funny stuff - for when you have time to focus on each other (even if it's not that day).

[j.man]

As Batya mentioned, it's not the tool but how you use it. I've been with my girlfriend nearly 3 years and I don't even call or text daily while traveling, which both her and I do frequently enough without one another. It's not meant to be used as a check in simply because you need to know they're thinking about you.

[Fudgie]

As Batya mentioned, it's not the tool but how you use it. I've been with my girlfriend nearly 3 years and I don't even call or text daily while traveling, which both her and I do frequently enough without one another. It's not meant to be used as a check in simply because you need to know they're thinking about you.

 

I agree with this. I really like texting - it's short, concise, easy. Nice way to make plans and let someone know of something. However, it's not meant to be used as a leash. If you can't handle going through a day without texting/calling, then that's a problem on your end. You're going to end up smothering him.

[Edmund Exley]

As Batya mentioned, it's not the tool but how you use it. I've been with my girlfriend nearly 3 years and I don't even call or text daily while traveling, which both her and I do frequently enough without one another. It's not meant to be used as a check in simply because you need to know they're thinking about you.

 

Sadly, for the younger generation its the primary method of conversation. I have a 21 year old step daughter and 19 year old step son and I watch them both date by text. Its kinda sad. I once described to them the thrill it was as a teenager to call a girl for the first time, hope the line wasn't busy and hope her dad didn't pick up the phone. Guess I'm just old LOL

[bunzana]

The amount of communication necessary in a relationship is very subjective in my opinion. My boyfriend is currently in another country and unfortunately I have no idea when he is coming home (visa issues). We don't text at all but we speak once or twice a day on the phone because it helps us stay connected. But this works for both of us. Some people like j man have no problem going some time without any contact, but that works for his relationship. All that matters is that you are on the same page. There is no rule about how much you should be in contact when apart. It differs for each couple.

 

That being said, 3+ hours without texting is completely normal. I'm not sure if you meant this as it being a very long period of time for you, but that is how it came across. Texting someone all day throughout the day can become annoying and suffocating.

[mcnugget]

I have to agree that you are smothering him with constant texting.

 

 

Girl, give him a break. He is spending time with family and may not have time to talk. You "trying not to get upset" is very concerning. It reveals clingyness and it will drive people away.

 

 

Why not pick up the phone and call him to have an actual conversation? The problem with text messaging is that those messages often get misconstrued. A relationship needs to have better communication than just resorting to texts.

 

 

How do you think military SOs/wives deal with their man being deployed for MONTHS? Especially when they are constantly at risk of getting killed during active duty? You may think you have it bad, but you really don't.

 

And how those awesome ladies handle their anxiety is by having a social life; going out with friends, doing other activities, drowning themselves in work, or picking up a new hobby. You may have to do the same thing. Realize you are dating a man who travels for a living and that what you are experiencing is the typical dynamic of being in a relationship with a traveling business man. I used to work with a colleague who only got to see her husband 5 times in a year because her husband traveled for his job.

 

You either handle it or you walk. But if you are clingy and rely on multiple text messages everyday, you will not survive in a long distance relationship. I can't tell you what to do here, not can anyone here. You have to decide if you can handle this. But based on your post it doesn't seem like you both are compatible.

 

 

I stated myself that I don't think texting is a great way to communicate and that I think we need to talk on the phone. He is the one who does not want to talk on the phone. That's the issue. I can't go two weeks without a phone call. I'm not calling him myself because I know he is with family so I am suggesting he call me to chat when he has time and he is declining to do so. I absolutely believe that text messages leave room for all sorts of miscommunication and a few quick phone calls would probably would probably keep our connection stronger.

 

As I stated, I do not initiate texting. We go hours between texts. I don't understand how I am smothering him with texts. He prefers texting to phone calls.

 

His job is military related and during our short relationship he had to go away a for month plus. During that time he was not reachable by phone, but he made efforts to communicate by e-mail when he could. I knew it was for work and I respected it.

 

He has been on other multi-week vacations and we've only had sporadic texting, but the texts were very warm. He texted as much as he could when he was able to and I had no concerns.

 

This current trip was only a couple of days of business and is now a vacation. I don't need constant communication, but an occasional phone call every few days would go a long way. I'm really surprised at the reactions on here.

 

His future trips are both trips for work and vacation trips. I did long-distance for two years and I can certainly understand doing it for someone you love, but at this point in my life it is not something I am looking to do again. Long-distance requires love, commitment, and communication. This boyfriend technically lives very locally, but he travels so much (for work and by choice) that it is turning into long-distance. Unfortunately, the communication is not there.

 

Everyone on here really wouldn't text much or call at all during a two week trip? Even if you travelled 4 out of 6 weeks? Even if you sometimes left for month long stints? How the heck are you supposed to develop a meaningful relationship? I was hoping for some advice on how to improve communication.

[mcnugget]

The amount of communication necessary in a relationship is very subjective in my opinion. My boyfriend is currently in another country and unfortunately I have no idea when he is coming home (visa issues). We don't text at all but we speak once or twice a day on the phone because it helps us stay connected. But this works for both of us. Some people like j man have no problem going some time without any contact, but that works for his relationship. All that matters is that you are on the same page. There is no rule about how much you should be in contact when apart. It differs for each couple.

 

That being said, 3+ hours without texting is completely normal. I'm not sure if you meant this as it being a very long period of time for you, but that is how it came across. Texting someone all day throughout the day can become annoying and suffocating.

 

Thank you for pointing this out! I don't think 3 hours is a long period. I was just stating that I don't hammer his phone with repetitive text messages or expect a constant exchange. I just used 3+ as an example. We both have busy lives and I don't need us to be glued to our phones.

[Wiseman2]

Dating for 4 mos is the getting to know you stage. This is when compatibility issues such as communication, lifestyle need for togetherness, etc begin to appear and are assessed.

 

The early dating banter normally mellows out and particularly on trips people do not appreciate text-tethering.

 

What is there to address? He's shown you this incongruity in communication styles. If he wanted to text more while away he would have, no? It seems you expect and want more out of this than he does, including fb status etc.

He ignored all of my attempts at our usual banter and my suggestion that he call before bed was disregarded. He’s going to be out of town for another week and then he has a lot more travel coming up. I don’t know how to handle another week of this lack of communication.t I am definitely the needier one in the relationship. given little things like his "single" status on Facebook.

[SophieGrace]

Everyone on here really wouldn't text much or call at all during a two week trip? Even if you travelled 4 out of 6 weeks? Even if you sometimes left for month long stints? How the heck are you supposed to develop a meaningful relationship? I was hoping for some advice on how to improve communication.

 

Unfortunately, I don't think there is anything you can do. It takes two people to communicate, and you both need to agree on what the "right" amount of communication is for you. You can't even get the guy on the phone to talk about it, which doesn't bode well. I am sorry - sounds like you liked this guy, but I think he is doing a slow fade.

[mcnugget]

Unfortunately, I don't think there is anything you can do. It takes two people to communicate, and you both need to agree on what the "right" amount of communication is for you. You can't even get the guy on the phone to talk about it, which doesn't bode well. I am sorry - sounds like you liked this guy, but I think he is doing a slow fade.

 

 

He could be doing the slow fade, but I’m not certain that’s the case. He has never had a traditional long-term meaningful adult relationship. He’s only ever had on/off long-distance relationships. I think we both want the relationship to work. We went away for the weekend before he left so that he could “fill my tank” with snuggles and communication, which isn’t really the way you act if you’re about to dump someone.

 

My issue isn’t with the amount of texting. I just think texting isn’t a way to sustain a relationship for weeks at a time when travel is so frequent. It’s too easy for things to be misconstrued. It’s nice to hear the warmth and inflections in a voice once in a while.

 

We are aware that communication is an issue and we are usually able to talk through things in person. He is a hyper-critical person at work and with friends as well as with me. If I’m cooking for him he will move the pot I am using to a different burner because he thinks his burner is the better burner. It’s something I handle calmly and we have worked out. When we go long periods without phone calls I worry that little things will fester and a disconnect will grow.

 

His friends and family tease him about being a Peter Pan. Sometimes I feel like I need to be the one to initiate or insist on things I know will better the relationship. We clarified our communication expectations before his month long trip. Apparently, we needed to clarify our expectations before this trip. Since we didn’t have the conversation before he left I don’t know how to have it without being a nag. It’s definitely a conversation we will have before he leaves on his next trip.

[Wiseman2]

Do you think these red flags outweigh the communication red flag?

He has never had a traditional long-term meaningful adult relationship. He’s only ever had on/off long-distance relationships.

He is a hyper-critical person at work and with friends as well as with me. If I’m cooking for him he will move the pot I am using to a different burner because he thinks his burner is the better burner.

His friends and family tease him about being a Peter Pan.

[burlesquebeaut]

He could be doing the slow fade, but I’m not certain that’s the case. He has never had a traditional long-term meaningful adult relationship. He’s only ever had on/off long-distance relationships.

 

Not sure you wanna get involved in this... red flags all over the place. Guys like this rarely change...

[mcnugget]

They are MAJOR flags. We have only had one fight and it was month ago after he got back from his month long trip. We went to a party and we both had a bit too much to drink. There was a catalyst, but we waited until we got home to talk. Things escalated and we definitely said more than we should have. It was pretty major and unfortunately unintentionally hurtful. We talked about all of our issues. My fear of his commitment issues, facebook status, travel, everything! It really would have been a break-up point for a lot of people, but we decided that wasn’t an option for us. At the end of it we decided that we really care about each other and we want to make it work and see where it goes even if it takes us a bit longer. That he might move more slowly, but his actions will be more meaningful. He knows I am looking to get married and have kids. He isn’t ready to think about that with me yet, but that it doesn’t mean he won’t marry me (his words).

 

For the record, I have not said I love you and I haven’t tried to plan our wedding or anything. I think it’s just due to our age and the fact that all of our friends are married or engaged. Clearly, his friends and family tease him about being Peter Pan and we’re both feeling constant pressure. We haven’t done any family introductions yet.

 

He has been opening up to me a lot more recently. Telling me about his family and about his childhood. I get along with his friends extremely well. When he gets critical or controlling I laugh it off and tell him he’s lucky I have thick skin and then we discuss. When we talk about something we are usually able to work through it. We do talk about the future he’ll say things like, “if we moved in together” or “if we got married” or we’ll watch and engagement ring commercial and discuss that I’d want to design my own.

 

There are reasons I have concerns and I think that’s why the communication lapses have me feeling insecure. I have strong feelings for him and I think there is a lot of potential, but this relationship will definitely take work.

[Wiseman2]

At 4 mos in of dating? Notice the common usage of "if". He's stringing you along, sorry. No one sincere says all this stuff at 4 mos in. And it seems despite your arguments and talks about commitment issues, facebook status, travel, and communication, he's not changing anytime soon.

we’ll watch and engagement ring commercial and discuss that I’d want to design my own.

[JaggerJim]

Maybe you need to find a boyfriend who does not travel as much. It's the travelling that's causing your problems.

[Batya33]

I don't think a person needs experience in romantic relationships to know how to reach someone by phone or otherwise when that person wants to talk to the other person.

[mcnugget]

You all have offered some very insightful opinions. I do feel that he has the mindset of a single man and I don't know if that's something that can change. He does seem to genuinely care and want to make things work. When we talk about things he does make the effort. He had never traveled with a partner before, but when I said it was important he became the one to champion taking a trip together. I've been teaching him a lot about compromise. He used to view even ordering food as a competition and I had to explain that we are a team and that if one of us gets something better we can share. Yesterday I sent him a text telling him we should try to connect by phone sometime soon and he scheduled a call for this morning. We ended up talking for an hour and a half today and it was a really nice call. I'm not going to do anything while he is out of town, but when he gets back there are some discussions to be had.

 

I have a timeline in my head of how much longer I want to give this relationship to see where things go. It's still early so I don't want to rush any decisions. I know that everyone has a different pace. It's obvious that he is immature in the relationship department and that he needs to move slowly. If I feel like we aren't progressing and certain things haven't resolved by around late February then I will evaluate. At that point we will have been through the holidays, my birthday, and Valentine's Day. He's already decided to shorten his holiday trip by a couple of days so that he can spend New Years with me and he's requested I put together a Christmas wish list.

[Batya33]

I would stop the teacher role on what you see his deficiencies are and -for your own internal purposes- avoid the temptation to label him as a "single man". This is nothing to do with gender or general status -assume that he is an adult and he knows perfectly well how to act in a caring, thoughtful, interested manner if he so chooses. It's your opinion that he has to share food, take a trip together, etc - that's your vision of what a couple should be like and it's your vision of the timing of that. This adult might very much want to marry or be serious with someone and he might have a different vision of that or timing. If his way of interacting isn't working for him that is for him to figure out and for him to figure out what to do about it.

 

He will resent your "teaching" very quickly and/or find it boring because it's coming from you. If you feel you need to teach him the basics and have these "discussion" he's probably not the right guy for you. Obviously it's possible he's not interested in a long term romantic relationship with anyone but that doesn't make him a "single man mindset" guy - just makes him a person who is fine on his own right now -nothing selfish about it or self-absorbed or that whole connotation about that label.

 

It's not obvious that he is immature -but it's obvious that you're trying to change him. Totally fine to wait through the holidays but if you already find him so immature and that you need to teach him basic stuff do you really want to be with him for the holidays and have to return all those gifts for example? It is early but in your case I'd move on. You might win -he might become this person who follows your lead and does what you want him to -and then you'll probably think he's a doormat and be turned off. Just my very humble opinion.