What Does He Want?

[calmseason68]

I met this guy about 3 months ago on Tinder while I was traveling to his city for a business day trip. We just chatted on Tinder for a week or so before exchanging contacts to another Messaging platform.

 

Everything went very fast during those time we talked off Tinder. We talked about everything that was our lives, including our illnesses. Two weeks after our initial contact on Tinder, I was schedule to have a week long trip to this city again for another business trip. He picked me up from the airport and stayed with me throughout the week. We held hand and stuffs, no sex throughout the week. On the second day, I brought him out to meet with my best friend. After dinner, he wanted to hold my hand but I told him no, not in front of people. However, on my third day there, he suddenly got very cold and when I asked him why, he said he just wanted to be friends. And he was sorry for everything that happened but what happened was not part of his plan. We got into huge fight that night and he almost went home. But he did not. We continued to stay together throughout the week, holding hands etc. When he was sending me to airport, he said he was still coming to my city to visit me soon. I told him don't bother if his heart was not into it. But he insisted he could always go even as friends.

 

Things went along as usual after I went home to my city. He would always greet me good morning as he wake up every day, call me on his way to office, remind me to have lunch, call me when he has smoking breaks, call me on his way home from work, and at night before we sleep. He would also call me when he wake up on weekends and have calls throughout the day during the weekend, also before we sleep.

 

Two weeks after our initial meeting (one month after initial Tinder contact), I had to go for a trip out of the country to see my doctor. He insisted on coming with me to the doctor, just to make sure I was okay. Everything went along well on that trip and he never mentioned anything anymore about "being friends" or whatever. He even once said that he was investing his time in me. Another two weeks after the medical trip, he visited me in my city, all on his own will. He met with my parents and family. And everything was going okay. I even thought things were going much better after the initial "disagreement" (that is what he called only argument as).

 

Few weeks ago, I had another overnight trip in his city. It all started okay but I noticed he was very jumpy whenever I walked near him. There was no him holding my hand or whatsoever. And on our way to the Airport, I asked him what was going on. He said he did not want to talk about it right then. While waiting for my flight, we fell asleep with our heads on each other. After I got home I was feeling very tired of the whole thing suddenly and I texted him that I was letting him go. He replied my text the next morning when he woke up but he pretended nothing happened and asked me how I was and the customary good morning greeting. I did not reply him the whole day but I called him at night and we talked normally. When we were hanging up the phone, he said good night, and I asked him where were the other greetings. He got angry and said you could not say the things you said last night and ask me for other things today. We got into a fight again and him saying usual stuffs. I got really angry at him and I told him he never even bothered to give this a chance to work and I sincerely hope there would be another girl who could take better care of him.

 

We did not speak for two days. He called me because he received a gift from me that day (a gift that I arranged the week prior). I thought it was a closure call. He said that he disliked me being very emotional when I did not get the things I wanted from him. And that when I was angry, I said hurtful words to him that I did not even remember. He also mentioned he could not stand my crazy mood swings (I don't mean to defend myself but really, his mood swings were way worse than mine). He told me if we were to move forward, he would need me to be in better control of my emotions. He also said that he really enjoyed spending time with me.

The next day, I thanked him for his inputs the night before and I apologized to him for what happened. I told him I was not going to defend myself anymore and I would just take responsibility for what happened. And I hoped that I would be able to be a better person.

 

We still talk on the phone and tell each other when we are going anywhere and reach the destination. I don’t know if I am being to o sensitive or what, but I really feel that he is no longer the same since the incident. It is as if he is pulling back slowly. I have no clue what this is or what he wants out of this. I am supposed to go to a trip to his city this coming weekend. It was not planned as a trip to see him. It was a trip arranged long ago before I knew him. I don’t know if I should still see him.

 

I am sorry for the really lengthy post as I do not know where to begin, except the beginning. Oh, I am 32 and he is 31.

[Hollyj]

What do you want from this? Seems like a lot of drama.

[calmseason68]

To be honest, I just want my peace. Whatever he is doing now is confusing me. All the being around and then not being around, and repeated cycles.

[SooSad33]

A LOT has been going on since you two first started... it's been 3 months. I feel things have moved along way too fast!

 

You both have an 'illness'.. mental? ( You mentioned mood swings). if so... clashing is common

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately it sounds like he confuses Tinder, a dating app, with a travel buddy/text buddy friendship site.

 

What is the point of allowing a stranger to pick you up at the airport and stay in your hotel for a week to "hold hands"?

 

Are you dating? FWB? Or travel and text buddies? What is it you are hoping for?

We continued to stay together throughout the week, holding hands etc. he insisted he could always go even as friends. He called me because he received a gift from me that day. We still talk on the phone and tell each other when we are going anywhere and reach the destination.

[JaggerJim]

This started when you wouldn't hold his hand in front of other people. You set up the dynamics of this up and down courtship, Even reading your post, EVEN I DON'T understand where you are coming from.

[ladybug89]

He reminds me a lot of my close guy friend...Loves holding hands, hugs, and that's about it. He would cross miles to go with me for a doctor's appointment, etc. Same exact story as yours. BUT- if I get needy, he gets jumpy. I do not know if this happens with you as well- but generally whenever I take a step back I find him coming back stronger. But if I make a move or appear as needy, he swims away.

Reading your story- I just think he is taking his sweet time. Try to know more about what's going on in the background (get to know the real him). I did so myself and discovered he is recovering from a recent break-up and does not want to use me as rebound.

[februarygal]

He sounds like my ex narcissist. check for "narcissistic personality disorder" on google.

im guessing he has that. check the signs of npd. if most of the signs are positive when you read about npd, then you should forget about that guy. he will make your life always confusing, lots of drama going to happen and youll just get stressed and depressed.

most people arent aware of narcissistic personality disorder. i had to really research and found out there was no hope for people with npd. theyll just make your life like hell.

[nutbrownhare]

It sounds as though you are both very anxious about relationships, feel any change in your partner's demeanour very keenly, and then punish each other for real or imagined slights. Much drama, in which neither of you get your needs met.

 

From your post, I not only don't know what he wants - but it's not very clear what you want, either. This is just a guess, but it looks as though you are both too frightened of rejection if you're honest with each other. This doesn't make for a happy relationship, which needs to be founded on trust and honesty.