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Dear Jamie


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Can't believe that this is where we are now. Five months riding this emotional roller coaster all alone. Five months of questioning and doubting things I thought I knew. Even during the bad times I never doubted your love. Felt you'd protect me and always choose me. But you didn't. You didn't protect my heart from breaking and you didn't choose me. It hurts when you're left doubting something you thought was unquestionable. Just unbelievable to me. I think about that day you said that you know me, you know how deeply I love, that I would always have your back and defend you. Well at least one of us knows the other. I don't even know who you are anymore. Everything that I believed and trusted is gone. Everything is being questioned right now. Could I really have been that wrong about you?? I want answers but at the same time I can't bare to hear from you. That's one of the main reasons I had to block you. Cant bare the thought of you being the way you are right now. Who are you??? I can't deal with this person. Can't even imagine having to look you in the face right now. It would be like looking at a stranger. I feel so lost and empty. This is just so hard to deal with.

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"Let it be.

That's how you move on.

Because you can not force yourself to stop feeling,

to stop remembering or to stop loving.

I won't say "let it go"; it is futile.

It is a contradiction remembering to forget.

Rather, let things be, let time heal you.

It will heal you"


- V. Bercovitz

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After the F'up emotional wknd I had I was actually having an OK day today. was starting to feel a lot better, cracked jokes with the coworkers, and was gonna run to Sephora and get some new lipstick. Had a fleeting thought that I was finally starting to get over it. I felt okay!


Got on Instagram and saw a pic that your friend posted of ya'll at some function. You looked happy. You were actually smiling in the pics. I love when you smile like that. You look so handsome. And as usual the pics you were in got the most likes. I looked thru all the likers then tried to stalk their profiles... Yea pathetic... And just that quickly everything changed for me. Didn't care to talk to the coworkers anymore. no interest in getting new lipstick. kept my head down and tried to look busy so no one saw the tears. Back to pulling out the visine to get rid of the red eyes. So sick of this s--t and feeling like this.


I even thought of unblocking you for a couple of hours to see if you'd text. The last time I unblocked you was for that milestone you had coming up a week and half ago. I was gonna text then thought better of it, I was gonna mail a card and decided not to. Only thing I did was unblock you on that Monday. On Wednesday morning I get a text. It was so weird seeing your name pop up on my phone after not seeing it for awhile. It was like you knew I'd be thinking about you and receptive to talking. It can't be a coincidence that you text me 2 days after I unblock you and on the day of your anniversary. "I miss you. How are you?" @ 8:54 am. I put the phone away and tried to focus on work but couldn't. The last time we spoke was on Sept 27 after you left my house that night and called when you got home. I told you I didn't feel good about our conversation. And you said "babe you're never going to feel right until things are the way you want them between us... We talked about this already... You're really special to me. I'll come over tomorrow after work and we can talk". Was up half the night, couldn't sleep. I knew I didn't want to have another pointless conversation. For what? Rehash the same old BS. If you wanted to you woulda that's basically what it comes down to. There are no gray areas. No, no more. "I wish you happiness and much success". Sent at 3am, deleted our text thread then blocked you. Time to move on.


40+ days of NC until I unblock you early Nov. how to respond? Finally @ 11:15 am decided to just respond honestly. Got you a card but decided not to send. Sent you a pic of what I wrote in the card and wished you a happy anniversary. "I love your words. I miss you" that was you @11:20 am. I didn't respond. No communication between us for four days. Then I blocked your number again. Gonna move on... Again.

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At some point you will realize

that you have done too much for

someone, that the only next

possible step to do is to stop.

Leave them alone. Walk away.

It's not like you're giving up,

and it's not like you shouldn't try.

It's just that you have to draw

the line of determination from

desperation. What is truly yours

will eventually be yours,

and what is not,

no matter how hard you try,

will never be.


- Anonymous

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Sometimes walking away is the only option.

Not because you want to make someone miss you,

or realize they took you for granted. But because you finally respect

Yourself enough to know that you deserve better.


Do you know how hard it was to let you go and walk away? No, you have no idea. It was something I knew I had to do but couldn’t bare too. But there comes a point where enough is enough and staying just causes more pain then happiness. It isn’t worth how it’s tearing you up inside. Felt like I was losing my self-worth, losing value, losing respect. And I didn’t like this weak person I was becoming all in the name of love. That’s not what it’s supposed to feel like. And how can someone else truly love you when you act like you don’t even love yourself? I don’t want the type of love that doesn’t make me happy, the type that doesn’t fill my heart with joy, the type of love that’s filled with insecurities and doubt. I don’t want some half-ass loving. That’s not what I want; it’s not what I deserve. It doesn’t feel good. I don’t have you and really sad about that. But you know what, I have my self-respect and that feels good. It makes me feel strong. Even while I’m hurting I feel like I have my power back. The right decision was made and I know in time I will heal. I don’t need to settle for the love crumbs you tried to throw my way. I’m not that starved for love.


You deserve someone who would jump fences to be with you.

Not someone who is on the fence about being with you.

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My BFF mentioned that she thinks blocking you from calling is a bit extreme cuz you're not some guy I just met. We've known each other our whole adult lives. Well maybe she's right. But I don't care! I need to do what works for me. Hearing from you doesn't help. I remember when you would text "Hi" and I'd text back then it would be crickets the rest of the day. There were several instances of this. WTH was that about? Wanna make sure you still had you hooks in me??? An ego boost? What?! Well now no more of that ish! You're blocked. Play your games with the next chick.


I'm actually feeling OK tonight, better then I have in awhile. Maybe I'm finally starting to heal and be over you. I hope so.

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We end up in toxic relationships because we don't stand up for ourselves early on

when red flags occur. We let them slide, because we fear losing a companion.

How long do you let disrespect and neglect go? At some point you have to develop

healthy barriers for how you're going to be treated; you're responsible for your experience,

nobody else is.


- via Redflags101

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When something feels so right but brings you

nothing but pain, it's a battle between your heart

and your mind. You know damn well you're not

going to get what you deserve out of this but

you can't seem to give it up. With love and hate

in the mix, a lack of trust and respect, it's a

heartbreaking war. But at some point, you're going

to have to choose your own sanity and pick your

heart up off the floor and move on with your life.


- via positiveresult

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My silence is another word for my pain. -- Anonymous


Crazy how one day you feel like progress is being made and the next you’re right back to feeling like this. you were in my dreams last night. Wonder what’s going on in your head. I wonder if you’re texting me and if so what you’re saying. Or maybe I’m not even a thought anymore? You said I was the "love of my life"... Sometimes I think I should just unblock you but I can't because this is the only thing that will keep me safe from you.


The scariest thing about distance is you don't know whether they'll miss you or forget about you. -- The Notebook

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If you have to speculate if someone loves you and wants to be with you,

chances are they don't. It's not that complicated. Don't waste moments

waiting and wondering. Don't throw away your time dreaming of someone

that doesn't want you. No one is that amazing, certainly not the one who

would pass you up.


- Donna Lynn Hope

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Just saw someone refers to this post on another thread. Don't know who wrote it but it's just what I needed to read today and I know I'll refer back to it many times.


So, for all you newbies who ask the questions, "Will the hurting ever stop," or "Will my ex come back," or "Why did he/she do this," this is how it typically goes down.


You two break up--doesn't matter who does it. You immediately panic and begin chasing, begging, pleading, harrassing, phoning, e-mailing, IMing, stalking (okay not all of them, just pick whichever one you did). Most of us will likely do some things during this stage that will make you cringe when you think back on it, say after about 3 months.


You lose weight. You neglect yourself, your house, your job (how many hours do we all log on this site while we are at work?). You drive your friends and family crazy talking about the break up. You cry at the drop of a dime. You can't even comprehend that your life might not again include that "special person." You begin putting them on a pedestal, forgetting all of the nagging things about them that used to drive you crazy. In your mind, they have become omnipotent, all encompasing, all everything.


You convince yourself that you are a loser who just screwed up a relationship with "the best person in the world." You KNOW without a doubt that you will never EVER love like that again. You know no one else will come along who even comes close to being as marvelous as your ex (excuse me while I chuckle to myself here). You wear a sad face for the world to see (you should see my work ID taken 2 days after my breakup, it's just pitiful).


They (the ex's) remain steadfast in their denial to get back together. Many of them leapfrog into new relationships, immediately being exclusive with a new person. For those that do leapfrog, they appear to just "replace" you with a new model. All of the things you two used to do, they now do with someone else. Bowling, cuddling watching television, motorcycle riding, antiquing. Whatever you two did, likely they will just begin doing those things with someone new.


You hear about them and their new life. You are desperate for any crumbs of news about their life. Many of us make things worse here by trying to use manipulation to get them back--yet they stay away from us like we are the plague.


For those of us who do still have contact with our ex's we begin selling ourselves short. Doing stupid things like allowing them access to our bodies and then wanting to strangle them afterward when they remind us that "Sex does not imply hope."


You, in further panic mode, begin frantically searching the internet using phrases such as "break ups," "divorce stopper," whatever. You stumble upon this site, pay your money because your curious and lo and behold, you find all of us folks in various stages of this whole breakup bullsh*t.


You voraciously read the posts. You search for news of those who "got their mates back." You're on the site constantly. You'll read the books and think "Ah I can do this. I can get this person back." You begin your "no contact" and for some of us, this will get a reaction from our ex's. For the rest, no contact is and will continue to be what you'll get and receive.


Time goes by. You'll do some stupid things. You'll call your ex when you shouldn't. You'll call when you've had to much to drink. You'll call even after 50 people on this site tell you not to. You'll show up on their doorstep, hating yourself all the time. Then you'll come back to this site and ask everyone to tell you why you were so stupid as to do whatever it was you did.


Then you'll get serious about no contact. It'll hurt, but you try to stick to it. Here's the turning point for most. For those folks who have contact with their ex's, your no contact will either bring them sniffing curiously around or they'll be somewhere high fiving their friends thanking the God's that you haven't called. Now's the tough time. Nothing but time works. Everday the ache in your heart grows a little less. It's only nanobits that it dies down by. But everyday it will get slowly better. You'll have setbacks. You'll run into your ex accidently. You'll run into mutual friends who'll tell you something about your ex that'll have you high-tailing it home for a good cry. You'll see your ex with their new "friend." You'll receive a phone call or an e-mail from your ex who "doesn't want to be in a relationship but still wants to be friends (with benefits if you allow). Here's another important part. You need to truly sit down and truthfully look back at the relationship and understand what you did to help with it's demise. If you miss this part, you go through all the suffering for nothing because Buddy, you'll be back here again. This site is to teach you about you. To teach you how to be a better partner, a better person. Missing that lesson is detrimental to the whole process. It's the REASON that you're going through this. God (or whatever your higher power is) needed you to learn something about YOU. Don't miss out on the lesson.


Then one day you'll smile because you didn't immediately check your answering machine when you came in. And one day you'll decide to clean the muck that has accumulated in your house. And one day you'll go outside and admit to the universe that you surrender what control you thought you had.


And one day you'll decide to date again. And one day you'll go out on your first date and it will likely be a disaster. And then you'll either force yourself to continue dating or you'll decide that you aren't ready to date but you are ready to be out amongst people again. And many of you will have some quick reconcillations with your ex's. Many of us won't. But one day, it won't matter as much. Because time will allow you to catch yourself going minutes and then hours without thinking of the ex. And you'll begin to be able to think of life possibly without that person and not dissolve into a puddle of nothingness because of the thought.


And for most of us, sadly, life will go on without that mate. That's the truth, amigos. Don't want to dash your hopes but probably less than 3% of the people on this site get back with their mates. Sobering isn't it? But, as the site instructs, you must accept this before you can truly begin to heal or draw your ex back to you. For the lucky (maybe unlucky one's depending on how much work it will take to keep a mate that has wandered back) who get back with their ex's, many will find that the paradise they envisioned isn't reality and what they once thought was gold has a certain tarnish to it now. But they stay and try and make it work because it's comfortable or, if they are really lucky, it's meant to be.


But for most of us. Life goes on. And one day you'll find yourself having a gut busting laugh over something totally stupid and you'll think to yourself "I am getting better." And finally (thank God) you'll have sex with some new and find that a) if it wasn't good, at least you did it or b) it was so much better than with your ex you wonder why you waited so long to get back out there. And you'll know you're one the road to recovery. I guess what I'm trying to convey here is, while each situation is unique, the characteristics of most of our situations are the same. Most of us will go through at least something that I've written here. So, when someone tells you on this site that time will help you get through it, believe them. When they tell you that "trust me, it will get better and you will stop hurting eventually," believe them. And when they give you good advice that your head understands but your heart rejects, take a moment to think before you react. Don't beat yourself up if you do something that you wished you hadn't (calling, contacting, etc) WE ALL DID AT ONE TIME OR ANOTHER. Be kind to yourself. Be forgiving of yourself. And most of all remember that being happily single is an alternative. Even if society is beating it into your head that you MUST have a mate, take some time to heal before going back out there. There are plenty of good people to love, but don't go back out there broken, jaded about love, etc. Accept realty. Experience the pain. Learn the lesson. Actively try to heal. Remember the person you were when you first met your ex and get that person back.


And the universe will take care of the rest.


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I wish IDGAF cuz it would make things so much easier. Wish I didn't feel things so deeply. I was thinking about that day back in the day when you stopped by and my dad took you aside to talk to you. You told me he said "my daughter is very sensitive and she gets hurt easily. I want you to know that when dealing with her." I was embarrassed but you said not to cuz he just cares about his baby. You know me and you have to know that this is really hard for me to deal with. You know I'm not as tough as I try to act. I just feel so broken inside. Actually spent a nice time with my family but for most of the night I thought about you. I know I love you because even while im hurting, I still want you to be happy. Remember you said that besides my mom you didn't think anyone could pray for me more then you? Well I pray for you too. I really miss you.

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The holidays were kinda tough. But the good thing is that there were lots of folks around so I couldn't sit around feeling sad. Talked to my cousin about how she coped with her divorce and it helped a bit. Missed you so much. Cindy told me leaving you blocked is just dumb. I don't know anymore. Just know I really missed you. Wanted to hear from you really bad so I did go ahead and unblocked you and nothing. I was really disappointed but at the same time I know that will never initiate direct contact. So I cheated and called your dad on Thanksgivings. Heard from him the next day. He said he's been trying to reach me but I never got a miss call. I think he was just trying to make me feel better. It was good catching up with him.


The one thing I thought I wanted happened, got a missed call from you that same night. You probably only called cuz your dad might have mentioned speaking to me. Thought I'd be happy seeing that you called but really didn't have much feeling about it. There's a small part of me that's happy I missed the call. I don't know how I feel anymore. Maybe we were never meant to be together. Maybe I'm just lonely and not really missing you. Maybe what I feel for you isn't really love. Maybe you fell for someone else and have moved on. Maybe I really just need to get over whatever this is and move on with my life. There are so many maybes and I have no answers right now. It's all a big ball of confusion.

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"For a long time I wasn't entirely sure I wanted to put myself back together, because letting go of the sadness would mean I had to refine myself. And sometimes, I still feel like chasing the darkness, because I don't exactly know who I am without it. I realized I made a home out of something I should have never let in." -- Positivity.movement


For some reason this hits home. I don't know maybe I'm just depressed. I was saying to a friend today that if we got back together, I'd still feel sad. I'd still fill empty. So maybe this isn't really about YOU. Just making it about you because I'm feeling rejected right now. I kind of hate when people say "focus on yourself... Work on yourself...blah blah blah". I know I need to find my own happiness. But you can still feel happiness and feel empty inside. I think part of it is I'm tired of being single. Tired of not having anyone to share things with. Tired of coming home to an empty house. What did Luther sing? "A house is not a home". Yea, that's a huge part of it.


When I was talking to my cousin about her divorce she said she's thankful for her son because her whole life revolves around him and making sure he is fine. And if she didn't have him she would probably be worst off having too much time focusing on the negative. I know she didn't mean anything by it but it kind of stung a little. As much as I've wanted a child it just never happen and at this point in my life it would take a miracle. There's a part of me that thinks thats probably an issue for you too because I know how much you want another child. And I can't give that to you. I think back to when we tried back in 2006. If it would have worked we'd have a 9-10yrs old now. And a 20 years old...


Did your mom ever tell you I called her crying the weekend we broke up? We met up after she got off work and I told her that I felt like I was losing you and asking what to do. She's so crazy, she said she thought I wanted to meet up to tell her I was pregnant and she was disappointed that I wasn't. And you know how I know I love you? Because I told her I wish I was and that I know how much you want another child and that if I couldn't give that to you, you should be with someone who could. When you care about someone you want the best for them even if it's not you -- knowing it will tear you up inside.


I hope you're happy. Remember when we first broke up, we were talking and you said "sometimes I really yearn for you." That made me melt a little. Back then it felt like a break. Now it's more like a break-up. I saw some pics on FB/IG and you seem to have found some folks to keep you distracted so I'm sure you're no longer yearning. Wish it was as easy for me to distract myself of this.

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A House Is Not a Home -- Luther Vandross


A chair is still a chair

Even when there's no one sittin' there

But a chair is not a house

And a house is not a home

When there's no one there to hold you tight

And no one there you can kiss goodnight

Woah girl


A room is a still a room

Even when there's nothin' there but gloom

But a room is not a house

And a house is not a home

When the two of us are far apart

And one of us has a broken heart


Now and then I call your name

And suddenly your face appears

But it's just a crazy game

When it ends, it ends in tears


Pretty little darling, have a heart

Don't let one mistake keep us apart

I'm not meant to live alone

Turn this house into a home

When I climb the stairs and turn the key

Oh, please be there

Sayin' that you're still in love with me, yeah


I'm not meant to live alone

Turn this house into a home

I climb the stairs and turn the key

Oh, please be there, still in love

I said, still in love, still in love with me, yeah


Are you gonna be in love with me?

I want you and need you to be, yeah

Still in love with me

Say you're gonna be in love with me

It's drivin' me crazy to think

That my baby couldn't be still in love with me


Are you gonna be? Say you're gonna be

Are you gonna be? Say you're gonna be

Are you gonna be? Say you're gonna be

Well well, well well


Still in love, so in love, still in love with me

Are you gonna be?

Say that you're gonna be

Still in love with me, yeah


With me, oh

Still in love with me, yeah

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It's practically 9pm and I spent the whole day just laying around. Just don't wanna do anything. I don't even wanna talk to you even if you'd have called. Didn't go to the gym, my nail polish is still chipped - and you know how much I hate that, laundry not done, dishes in the sink -- ugh. Spent the whole day just laid up... 3K steps on my Fitbit...smh. I did throw sweats on to take My lil boo for a walk. You know how much she loves her walks. Remember that time I asked you to walk her for me? You came right back cuz you said she kept looking back for me and then refused to move. Lolol. She's the sweetest little thing, I swear I love her. She is loyal to a fault. She'll forsake something she loves for me. Loyalty is everything. I have that saying posted at home now as a reminder. You said, there will come a day when I'll see how loyal you really are. When's that?? Cuz it's feeling like never.


So last night before I went out my dad sends a random text saying "death is unpredictable. It has no horn warning that's it's coming for you. Enjoy your life while you have it". That was kinda scary. I don't know what made him send that and I started to ask him but decided to just leave it alone. Just so random... But it reminded me how you'd sometime say "tomorrow isn't promised to any of us" before you'd leave. I guess with me that no longer matters to you???

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Truth is, a man won't play around when it comes to the woman he wants. Even if he's not ready, he'll quickly get ready because he doesn't want to lose her. -- johnmonplaisir


Yup, that sums it up nicely. It's all good though cuz I'm getting stronger everyday. Not bringing this into 2017 with me - nope, not doing it. Before you know it, I'll be over this. That's a promise to myself.


She realized none of it was real and set herself free

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Was feeling so good this morning even woke up saying "eff you J" but now I miss you. Tired of this bipolar ...


Was thinking today that if I'm real with myself I know right now isn't a good time for us anyway. I know how I am and know I'd grow resentful of stuff/you. And I think you sorta sense that too. Heard you're going ahead with your project and getting sponsors - that's great. I want you to succeed. It hurt me when you said you thought otherwise. I want to see you right back on top. But even then, when it comes down to it material things are just things. None of that stuff will ever bring you true happiness cuz that's something that can't be bought.

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There will be people you meet in your life who will have everything you're

looking for, but there will just be something missing. The connection will just be off.

These are the hard ones to walk away from, because the parts of us that have been

Waiting for the right person for so long desperately want them to be that person.

I see these moments as tests to see if we'll settle. To see if we actually want what

We say we want. Stay the course. Trust your intuition. Your person will come.


-- Mark Groves

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Your mom text me this morning to say she had surgery a couple of days ago and she’s in the hospital. I know we’re not together, but you couldn’t tell me that?? Sheesh!! WTH is wrong with you? Everything isn’t always about YOU! She said she asked about me and you told her I’m mad at you? Uh, okay, is that what we’re calling it now? I changed the subject cuz didn’t wanna talk about you. Going to try and see her at the hospital tonight. I’m not going stop being me just cause you wanna act like an idiot. Definitely, not going to her house and possibly run into you.


The more I think about this morning’s conversation the more it’s annoying the ish out of me! How dare you minimize this by saying “she’s mad at me”? Tell the truth and tell her you’re a damn liar. I had to walk away from you cuz caring about you doesn’t mean putting up with your BS. Like I’ve said before, I’m not going to change who I am for you. When I was young my mom used to say “know your worth”. I know I deserve so much more then the ish you were trying to throw my way. I will not settle. I care about you so it hurts me that things are like this but you know what? I don’t love you more than I love myself and never will!


Remember that September morning you left my house saying “I’m not ready for marriage and I know I can’t ask you to wait for me” Cool! Stay not ready! But when did I say I wanted to get married??? I said a relationship – not marriage! I don’t know why you’re stuck on this marriage thing, cuz I never once in all these years ever mentioned marriage. Then when I point that out you turn around saying that I don’t know what I want. I know exactly what I want – a committed relationship.


I’ve lost weight, bought a bunch of new clothes and feel sexier and more confident than I have before. And men notice! Sorta been in a zone so haven’t really been focusing on meeting anyone new. But I’m about to snap out of this. As much as I hate it, thinking about online dating… I'm gonna make it my business to meet someone new.


This whole situation is embarrassing, sometimes I wanna smack myself. Had dinner with D the other night and was telling him about this and he just sat there shaking his head and said “you’re attractive and have so much going for yourself. You don’t need to deal with that.” It's embarrassing to even talk about sometimes.


I’m mad??? Good I’m gonna stay mad. Jerk!

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after a while I looked in the mirror and realized...

Wow after all those hurts, scars and bruises, after all of

Those trial, I really made it through. I did it. I survived that

Which was supposed to kill me. So I straightened my

Crown... And walked away like a boss

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The true power of a committed DECISION is to cut off all other possibilities and commit your entire being to what it is you truly want. – Joe Duncan, Before5AM


love you so much. That was your text two days ago. You’ve never said it that way before, so even though I don’t want to, I’ve gone back to read it a couple of times. I guess people can love you in their own way. To me, love is an action and yours don't measure up. My dad’s favorite quotes were “what’s done in the dark, comes to light” and “actions speak louder than words.” Heard it so much, that my child mind could only think “blah, blah, blah...” But as an adult, I can appreciate the wisdom of those words. You said ‘I don’t tell you but everyone knows how I feel for you and if you could read my mind you’d know’ Well, if I don’t know what’s the point? And I’m no mind reader and don’t wanna be. Well actually maybe I do want to be able to read minds but that’s a whole different story.


Let your actions speak. Say how you feel, show how you feel and be what you feel. Love is a choice.


When it feels like things are closing in on you, you run – those were your words. But what is it that you’re running from? Me? Love? Commitment? Vulnerability? Well keep running babe, but I’m not chasing.

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