close-minded boyfriend??

[aaaaaaaaaa]

i've always slightly disagreed with my boyfriend on the issue of drugs - i have tried them before and he is 100% dead set against it, thinks they and anyone who does them are disgusting. This did not really affect our relationship until i moved 3.5hrs away to uni and ended up in a flat full of druggies (i would define a druggy as a regular user, which i have never been).

 

although they are nice enough people and extremely tolerant of my boyfriend when he comes to stay (they do not do drugs in the flat when he is in), he does not seem to be able to budge from his stance against drugs. he is never rude to them, but will refuse to go in the kitchen if he can smell weed. this is now affecting my relationships with my flatmates as cannot facetime my boyfriend anywhere other than my bedroom, and as our sessions can last for a couple hours each time, i'd prefer to be in the kitchen where i can socialise with everyone else at the same time.

 

this is not possible as he will hang up if he hears any mention of a drug, or hears anything being done. i kinda have the feeling that i am somewhat missing out on just the general chitchat (not the drugs). since being with my boyfriend i have doen weed (which he knows about) but does not know that i have also taken md twice (once at a festival this year and once at uni).

 

we have been together just over a year (he is 23 and i am 19) and i dont want this to be a big issue for us but i want to do a bit more experimenting before i finish uni and settle down with him

 

is he too overbearing, or is he right because its the law?? personally i think uni is the time to go a little crazy, but he never went so doesnt really understand this

 

also, should i tell him how i feel? ive tried saying before that he should see things from my perspective, but he just goes into a shutdown when talking about drugs. if i told him about the mdma then i honestly think it might be a dealbreaker for him.

[rosephase]

Personally? He sounds like he has a real stick in his butt about it. He would probably be disgusted BY you if you told him about md (what is that?). I think exploration with drugs can be a really awesome and fun thing, if you do it carefully, thoughtfully and with the right folks. If that is something you want to do then you shouldn't be with this dude.

[aaaaaaaaaa]

Personally? He sounds like he has a real stick in his butt about it. He would probably be disgusted BY you if you told him about md (what is that?). I think exploration with drugs can be a really awesome and fun thing, if you do it carefully, thoughtfully and with the right folks. If that is something you want to do then you shouldn't be with this dude.

 

thats what im afraid of! i really dont want us to break up over it but i know eventually im going to have to tell him about the mdma. im honestly not that bothered about doing more exploration with drugs but i also want the choice if i change my mind...

 

do you think theres a way i could get through to him and educated him about how, done in moderation, drugs are ok?

 

Thank you for your comments!

[notalady]

He has a right to feel uncomfortable with drugs or being around people who regularly do drugs or anything to do with drugs really. It's not close minded.

 

Honestly? I wouldn't share a place with people who do any kind of drugs and I wouldn't be friends with people who do drugs let alone date one. If you experimented a few times and not doing it any more, fine, but any more than that, I'm uncomfortable with. Even when I was a teenager/early twenties and when I was in uni.

 

It sounds like he's in a different life stage than you. He's in the grown up, responsible adult phase while you're in the at uni, go crazy stage. Just sounds incompatible all over. Maybe if timing was different, say in a few years time when you are in the same life stage as him, you could stand a chance, but right now you are in different places. Really, he shouldn't be dating you if drugs is a deal breaker for him.

 

I don't think there's anything to tell him about, he is fully entitled to how he feels about drugs and he's not obligated to change his views for you. It's up to you what you choose - drugs and druggies roommates or your boyfriend. I think it depends on whether you see a future with him and how much you value your relationship, versus how much you want to "go crazy" and live it up.

[JaggerJim]

Sorry but I'm like your boyfriend. I would think it was totally rude if you'd rather talk to me in the kitchen in front of everyone instead of your bedroom.

[aaaaaaaaaa]

He has a right to feel uncomfortable with drugs or being around people who regularly do drugs or anything to do with drugs really. It's not close minded.

 

Honestly? I wouldn't share a place with people who do any kind of drugs and I wouldn't be friends with people who do drugs let alone date one. If you experimented a few times and not doing it any more, fine, but any more than that, I'm uncomfortable with. Even when I was a teenager/early twenties and when I was in uni.

 

It sounds like he's in a different life stage than you. He's in the grown up, responsible adult phase while you're in the at uni, go crazy stage. Just sounds incompatible all over. Maybe if timing was different, say in a few years time when you are in the same life stage as him, you could stand a chance, but right now you are in different places. Really, he shouldn't be dating you if drugs is a deal breaker for him.

 

I don't think there's anything to tell him about, he is fully entitled to how he feels about drugs and he's not obligated to change his views for you. It's up to you what you choose - drugs and druggies roommates or your boyfriend. I think it depends on whether you see a future with him and how much you value your relationship, versus how much you want to "go crazy" and live it up.

 

i didnt choose my flatmates this year, and as i dont particularly get on with them well so there is no question over who i would choose - its more that i have to deal with them until the end of the school year and would like his support. i also wouldnt mind if he had these views as long as it was part of an educated understanding, whereas he has no knowledge of drugs at all.

 

Thank you for your comments!

[aaaaaaaaaa]

Sorry but I'm like your boyfriend. I would think it was totally rude if you'd rather talk to me in the kitchen in front of everyone instead of your bedroom.

 

our facetiming sessions do not just consist of talking, they can last for many hours and he will play fifa etc. it is more just so that we can experience the closest thing to a regular hangout session that we would do if i was at home with him

 

Thank you for your comments!

[notalady]

i didnt choose my flatmates this year, and as i dont particularly get on with them well so there is no question over who i would choose - its more that i have to deal with them until the end of the school year and would like his support. i also wouldnt mind if he had these views as long as it was part of an educated understanding, whereas he has no knowledge of drugs at all.

 

Like I said, you guys have incompatible views about drugs.

 

It's arguable whether someone needs to be more educated on drugs if they have no interest whatsoever in trying it or being associated with it. Certainly, if you want to try them, you should be educated in the risks associated with it then make an educated decision as to whether to take that risk. It's a personal choice of yours.

 

I can read about drugs till the cows come home and it still won't change my views about it, in fact it reinforces my views even more. It's one one those things that isn't black and white, it's subjective. There's no need to try to convince someone to believe in what you do.

 

Think about it this way, you should not need to change someone you're dating (and same goes for him, he shouldn't try to change you and your beliefs). You need to consider if you can accept someone as they are. If not, then you shouldn't be dating them.

 

If all you want is support regarding dealing with your roommates, you can make that clear, without trying to convince him about his views on drugs.

[aaaaaaaaaa]

Like I said, you guys have incompatible views about drugs.

 

It's arguable whether someone needs to be more educated on drugs if they have no interest whatsoever in trying it or being associated with it. Certainly, if you want to try them, you should be educated in the risks associated with it then make an educated decision as to whether to take that risk. It's a personal choice of yours.

 

I can read about drugs till the cows come home and it still won't change my views about it, in fact it reinforces my views even more. It's one one those things that isn't black and white, it's subjective. There's no need to try to convince someone to believe in what you do.

 

Think about it this way, you should not need to change someone you're dating (and same goes for him, he shouldn't try to change you and your beliefs). You need to consider if you can accept someone as they are. If not, then you shouldn't be dating them.

 

If all you want is support regarding dealing with your roommates, you can make that clear, without trying to convince him about his views on drugs.

 

thanks so much, never thought of the two situations as separate (roommates v.s. views on drugs) and i think that will definitely help when talking to him!

im not sure how much you can learn about drugs by reading about them as they effect everyone in different ways. im not saying you need to take them, but being around people who have done or have first hand accounts is often more valuable than the content available online. i do agree that it is subjective, however i dont want to try and convince him to believe in what i do, just for him to understand where im coming from. i understand that his view comes from the law and negative stories in the papers, and i can understand why he has come to the conclusion he has. however he has not made the same efforts with me, and that is what i would like to address

[BlarneyStone]

It sounds like he's in a different life stage than you. He's in the grown up, responsible adult phase while you're in the at uni, go crazy stage. Just sounds incompatible all over.

This was my intial thought as well after she mentioned their ages.

[agent1607307371]

our facetiming sessions do not just consist of talking, they can last for many hours and he will play fifa etc. it is more just so that we can experience the closest thing to a regular hangout session that we would do if i was at home with him

 

Thank you for your comments!

 

NGL, if you were doing that in the kitchen where everyone else is socialising, it would be very rude.

 

Your bopyfriend is allowed his position on drugs, but you really don't seem compatible on this issue.

[notalady]

thanks so much, never thought of the two situations as separate (roommates v.s. views on drugs) and i think that will definitely help when talking to him!

im not sure how much you can learn about drugs by reading about them as they effect everyone in different ways. im not saying you need to take them, but being around people who have done or have first hand accounts is often more valuable than the content available online. i do agree that it is subjective, however i dont want to try and convince him to believe in what i do, just for him to understand where im coming from. i understand that his view comes from the law and negative stories in the papers, and i can understand why he has come to the conclusion he has. however he has not made the same efforts with me, and that is what i would like to address

 

Contrary, I think personal experience with drugs is very subjective and not at all reliable, there are a lot of credible research papers and government health websites that examine the effect of various drugs on the human body, both short term and long term. I would consider those more credible than a group of people who's tried drugs telling me "I tried it and I'm still alive and functioning so it must be ok!" Or relying on media sensationalised stories.

 

Majority of drugs are illegal for good reasons.

 

However, with all that said, if you believe that it is not harmful to you, you should be honest with your boyfriend in regards to 1) the types of drugs you do, 2) what your educated view on the matter is, 3) make it clear that you understand his view on this and will not try to change it, that you will not do drugs around him out of respect for his boundaries, that he doesn't have to agree with your view however it is your right to do it in your own time whether he agrees with it or not.

 

If he thinks these terms are not acceptable, or is a deal breaker for him, then he has the right to end the relationship with you. However he needs to be fully informed of the extend of your participation in drugs, your views and reasons and your boundaries (and the fact that you respect his boundaries). Other than that, it's out of your control what he chooses in the end.

[notalady]

BTW here is an article about the effect of MDMA on the brain, citing various credible researches done on the drug.

 

 

 

Honestly? I highly doubt that getting him more educated in drugs will be in your favour.

 

However if you choose to do it, it is entirely within your right. If he decided that's unacceptable to him, that is also entirely within his right.

[yatsue]

I am not sure how much you know about drugs, but any drug can be abused if misused. There are many cases of people dying from MDMA (aka ecstasy) by dehydration while partying too much and not drinking enough water. Weed is twice as likely to give you lung cancer than cigarettes if smoked. These are medical statistics and facts through reputable sources. The majority of information on the internet is not reliable, although if you look at credible sources, the information is exponentially more valuable than personal experiences. Unless, of course you conduct a longitudinal study throughout their entire life. I hope you are at least drinking copious amounts of water and making lots of brownies during your "experimental phase".

 

Your boyfriend's stance is understandable, as I wouldn't want to have a junkie as a boyfriend. I'm not saying that you are. Only time will tell how far you will go. I personally think drugs are underrated and take away from experiencing actual life by replacing it with a manipulated version of life. It is a distraction and hopefully this is only a phase you will go through when you're young. It is an immature perspective to have in the adult world so you shouldn't push your values onto him. Remain respectful and let him decide when too much experimenting is enough.

[Capricorn3]

He has a right to feel uncomfortable with drugs or being around people who regularly do drugs or anything to do with drugs really. It's not close minded.

 

Honestly? I wouldn't share a place with people who do any kind of drugs and I wouldn't be friends with people who do drugs let alone date one.

 

It sounds like he's in a different life stage than you. He's in the grown up, responsible adult phase while you're in the at uni, go crazy stage.

 

I don't think there's anything to tell him about, he is fully entitled to how he feels about drugs and he's not obligated to change his views for you. It's up to you what you choose - drugs and druggies roommates or your boyfriend. I think it depends on whether you see a future with him and how much you value your relationship, versus how much you want to "go crazy" and live it up.

I second this entire post. I don't think he's closed minded at all - he just has very different values to you. End result - incompatible.

[Longview01]

Long distance relationships are hard enough and at such a young age also add into the fact you seem to be in different stages of your lives it will put even more strain on your relationship.

 

Why don't you let him go and do the whole wild and experimental thing at Uni, I wish my girlfriend when I was your age had done that to me earlier rather than dragging it out and making it harder down the line

[Carnatic]

He may be a bit of a stickler when it comes to drugs, but that isn't the same as being closed-minded. He knows his views and is sticking to them, closed-mindedness is dismissing something out of hand without considering it. He doesn't sound too overbearing, as you say the only thing that he might do that you don't like is hanging up if he overhears your roommates having drugs, however he's happy enough to be with you knowing your views on drugs and that you have used them yourself. As others have said perhaps there is a wider incompatibility with where you both are in your lives.

 

Where I can definitely understand him being a bit upset is this idea that you feel the need to continue socialising with your room-mates when you're also calling him. If I was maintaining an LDR I'd certainly expect that our video-calls were moments to be shared just between us, and if I were in his shoes and my girlfriend was more bothered that our chats took her away from where she really wanted to be, in the kitchen with herr mates would make it seem like she wasn't that into me. That also makes it sound to me that you aren't really in the head-space to be in a relationship at the moment. You've just arrived at university and are enjoying all the new experiences, friends and constant socialising and if you don't want anything to get in the way of that then perhaps you need to be single.

[Wiseman2]

You're not compatible if drugs are a deal breaker for him. Justifying and rationalizing and convincing under the guise of "educating" is pointless as these are his beliefs and not negotiable. This won't last you're not compatible in terms of values and goals in life.

 

He seems like a stand up guy who doesn't want to screw up his life hanging around illegal substances. He sounds too mature for your college roommates and their partying. Your flatmates may not aspire to much and don't care if they get arrested or destroy their lives.

i've always slightly disagreed with my boyfriend on the issue of drugs - i have tried them before and he is 100% dead set against it, thinks they and anyone who does them are disgusting. he does not seem to be able to budge from his stance against drugs. he is never rude to them, but will refuse to go in the kitchen if he can smell weed

[Snny]

Drugs can be an ultimate dealbreaker in relationships. My cousin overdosed on his birthday and the drugs stopped his heart. So every year on a particular day, his family will always remember how f***ing stupid he was for making a lethal decision and how he paid the ultimate price for drug use.

 

I'm with your boyfriend and this relationship may soon part. Experimenting it is one thing, continuing the habit is another.

 

By the way, if the police decide to do a house raid and find the narcotics they can prosecute you too. They maybe your flat ages, but you either need to report it or move out.

[Stay_home]

i've always slightly disagreed with my boyfriend on the issue of drugs - i have tried them before and he is 100% dead set against it, thinks they and anyone who does them are disgusting. This did not really affect our relationship until i moved 3.5hrs away to uni and ended up in a flat full of druggies (i would define a druggy as a regular user, which i have never been).

 

although they are nice enough people and extremely tolerant of my boyfriend when he comes to stay (they do not do drugs in the flat when he is in), he does not seem to be able to budge from his stance against drugs. he is never rude to them, but will refuse to go in the kitchen if he can smell weed. this is now affecting my relationships with my flatmates as cannot facetime my boyfriend anywhere other than my bedroom, and as our sessions can last for a couple hours each time, i'd prefer to be in the kitchen where i can socialise with everyone else at the same time.

 

this is not possible as he will hang up if he hears any mention of a drug, or hears anything being done. i kinda have the feeling that i am somewhat missing out on just the general chitchat (not the drugs). since being with my boyfriend i have doen weed (which he knows about) but does not know that i have also taken md twice (once at a festival this year and once at uni).

 

we have been together just over a year (he is 23 and i am 19) and i dont want this to be a big issue for us but i want to do a bit more experimenting before i finish uni and settle down with him

 

is he too overbearing, or is he right because its the law?? personally i think uni is the time to go a little crazy, but he never went so doesnt really understand this

 

also, should i tell him how i feel? ive tried saying before that he should see things from my perspective, but he just goes into a shutdown when talking about drugs. if i told him about the mdma then i honestly think it might be a dealbreaker for him.

 

I think you two should breakup, that way he can find someone more his speed & you can explore all you want.