Done, sad, concerned

[rtyu4567]

So I'm accepting it's over. Broke up 5 months ago. During the 5 months went through many phases, initiated contact' for many reasons......none worked, only made me feel worse and depressed like contact for closure, inability to go cold turkey, missing him, hope for reconciliation, etc, etc. I exhausted everything that may have or may have not worked. I'm no longer in denial. I finally ended communication 4 days ago NOT for NC purposes so that he can miss me and we get back together again, BUT, so that I can move on, it's time. It's over. I got it! and I Know it. Now I'm left with a bit of sadness, afraid I may never meet someone I actually like to spend time with, a companion I enjoy.The good times with my ex were so good, but the bad were so bad. I'm in my 40's and although, I feel, look much younger as well, as embrace my 40's, I wonder if my chances of meeting someone going to be harder because of my age. And even when I meet him, will I have an open heart for him, because I feel like I many not be able to give the kind of love I gave my ex to another person. Though, I want to, but what if it does not happen. You see, I love, love. I love chemistry, but sometimes, I'm afraid I may wind up settling in the future for the sake of having a companion, because of my age. Maybe I'm jumping the gun, none the less, I needed to put it out there, because it is what I feel inside and it's not health to keep it in and harbor, I have learned about myself. Anyone out there with similar feelings, thoughts, fears or even any success love in 40's. Thanks!

[mustlovedogs]

Good for you for taking all these steps.

 

You'll believe in love again in time. It just takes time to get over the initial pain.

 

I'm not in my 40's but my mom told me two cute stories yesterday!

 

One of her friends, in her 60s or 70s, lost her husband about 5 years back. Within a year or so she met another guy and they got married. After about 6 months he said he couldn't do it so they separated. My mom just saw her on a date with another guy last week! She thinks they are about to be engaged.

 

And one of her friends in her 50s just met a new guy. She came out of a physically abusive relationship and was scared of dating but she has recently fallen in love again!

 

Oh, also - my great grandmother. Her husband, my great grandfather, died when she was 93. She found love again within 2 years! At 95!

 

Moral of the story. They are all way older than you and it worked out. It'll work out for you too

[Roselynn1]

I'm in my 40s as well and have the same concerns but I think if you put yourself out there (going to social events, online dating etc) you'll meet someone. That's actually the easy part. Meeting someone you're attracted to and interested in is the hard part. I went out on a date last month and maybe under other circumstances I'd continue seeing him but my heart wasn't in it and really don't want to waste anyone's time. I know I'm not ready to date right now but when I am will probably go the online route even tho I hate it because most of my friends are married so don't really have a lot of folks to just hang out with.

[rtyu4567]

Mustloveodogs, thanks for the inspiration and kind words.

[rtyu4567]

Hey Roselyn1, did that date help you in any way with the healing process, and in seeing that when you are ready to date, that there are other's out there that may be right for you? I myself am not quite ready to date. But the thoughts I wrote earlier do cross my mind every now and than. Thanks for the imput!!

[rtyu4567]

Btw, my mother met my step dad when she was 45, she is 71 now and they are married and still together. I also notice that sometimes when I go out with her, men her current age range still check her out and a few months ago she was asked out to coffee by someone in her neighborhood. That is endearing and encouraging for me to remember.

[Roselynn1]

Hey chica! The date helped take my mind off my situation and I had a good time but that's really about it. He tried to kiss me at the end of the night and I was just not interested at all. I gave it another chance and invited him out to bunch but this time in a group setting to take the pressure off the one on one thing and still no attraction. He's actually a good "catch" but certain things you just can't force.

 

I love my ex and have for a long time and I know it's going to take a long time to get over him. I'm sorta still "grieving" and have lost the desire to do a lot of the things I used to enjoy. I'm giving myself until the end of this year and then I'm hoping I can start the new year off strong and leave this all behind me. 2016 was not a good year for me and want to leave all the bad stuff here and not bring it into the new year.

 

Men are very visual people. So I think just keeping yourself in shape, paying attention to our appearance and just trying to keep a positive outlook and being happy will attract them.

 

It's definitely encouraging that your mom still gets attention. Mine has been divorced for about 10 years now I hate to think that she will be alone the rest of her life. when they divorced my dad he said that he knows she will never re-marry and I really wanted her to prove him wrong but she has no interest in men. Meanwhile he just ended his second marriage - so another divorce for him! Smh

 

We're in similar situations and have a lot of the same concerns so I definitely get where you're coming from. I often wonder if I will grow old alone... Scary to think that.

[SooSad33]

There are always going to be challenges.. in everything.

 

Best thing to do is NOT sit and hope. Just live.

 

I am in my 40's.. and my 'expctations' have diminished. Been hanging around dating sites for over 4 yrs.

Longest relation was 5 months.. and MANY just wanting hook ups. I dont have the mental or emotional energy for all that!

Was hurt once when my feelings started.. and he pushed away.

 

So... I have layed off all of that big time! Yes.. it takes time, but I am going about my life with or without a partner.

 

I rather work on myself.. on being happy with what I've got.. then keep 'falling' with these fails.

 

If it happens, it'll happen.. or may not.

 

My brother went 8 yrs bfore h found his wife.

 

Just dont go jumping in with both feet when or if you do met someone. So many getting hurt & affected with these short term relations.

 

Take time getting to know them.... never feel you have to give all. If they are TRUE and real, they WILL show you in all forms.

[rtyu4567]

Soosad, thank you for the wisdom and advice. I am going to take my time for sure. Right now I'm focusing on family and work and trying to reconnect with old acquaintances from support groups I attended in the past, which I hardly ever went to while in my relationship. I'm looking forward to the therapy and dabbling in my arts n craft stuff like that. I'm also incorporating my exercise in it all. Sounds like a lot, but it really isn't half the time I am forcing myself to stay creative and productive, because I'm still missing not having my ex there to share my day with and the things I do. Realistically, that was only in the first 7 months of the relationship anyway and I have to keep that real, because after it went to total crap and we shared nothing. It's over and I have to keep that super real because I could easily go back to a smidge of hope, and I don't want to. Ah, this really sucks, this heartbreak stuff, the way a person can grab your heart and make mush out of it..........learned a lot from it though. I have to easy does it and feel the feelings that come up, I'm not blocking them anymore, I'm moving straight forward and when I'm good and ready I am going back out into the circuit of dating. I will prob start a journal here or add a lot to the forum " don't contact ex post here instead" Because I'm not accepting crumbs anymore and I'm not going to boost his ego anymore with my rants, text etc. Okay...........I rambled a bit. Thanks for reading

[Broomwood]

Hello, well a couple of things from my perspective as a 40 year old. It sounds like he broke up with you, not the other way round. Do you ever wonder why he did it, and if he was honest explaining his reasons. What helps me usually is focusing on what i can do, and that means addressing the concerns. Usually, it is very simple to keep the guy, once you figure him out. Sex is a biggie. Then things that are fun for him (and together). Your looks and hygiene. So if you provide safety to the guy, admire him and respect, look after how you look, provide good sex and fun, it should't be a problem having him for the rest of your life. if one of these breaks, I usually look into where I did it wrong, and try and course correct it.

In terms of meeting love, that doesn't appear difficult either, as long as one stays emotionally open, and doesn't close off as a result of break up, and you don't seem to be which is excellent. But love, I have learnt, however important, is not everything. There should also be compatibility and ability to work out a good arrangement for both. These three things together are harder. But I am hopeful. As a 40 year old I see plenty of interest from the guys.

[rtyu4567]

Broomwood, it was a mutual break up, things got really bad toward the end, I initiated the parting first and he agreed. I agree with the three things you mentioned. Thanks for the advice