any advice for healing old wounds and not repeating the same patterns?

[Tinkyonks]

hi everyone.

 

ive red this forum and there is some good advice out there.

 

ive just split up from my boyfriend who for 2.5 years i put on a pedastal. he wasnt abusive, like previous boyfriends, but was emotionally unavailable from the beginning with very strict ideas about how he wants a relationship to be, compartmentalised and no marriage or moving in.

 

i knew this from the beginning but, once again, continued regardless because 'i loved him and he is great' and we had some really nice time together.

 

however, my emotional needs werent met so i continued to keep trying to get them met, becoming more needy and insecure as time went on, until eventually we broke up.

 

the thing is, even though i knew my emotional needs werent being met, i continued to try, still continue to try... why? and how can i change this about myself?

 

ive had relationships with people already in relationships when i was younger, that made me feel really bad about myself so then i moved on to abusive men, that made me feel worse, so i thought id hit the jackpot when i found a man who was 'normal', kind, caring, funny, calm... the only snag was he wasnt overly affectonate and said at the beginning we would never get married or live together. as time went on he withdrew more and became more critical and being so compartmentalised in the relatonship felt more and more uncomfortable.

 

over the years thwre have been people who were emotionally available but i never had a relationship with them, it felt strange, i didnt know how to accept love. this led me to thinking.... Am I emotionally unavailable?

 

My mother was, and my parents didnt have a good relationship, not close emotionally or physical, no displays of affection.

 

the thing is i really want to have a norml healthy relationship, i have a lot of love to give someone, i always give soooo much and always put them first, which is probably a mistake, but i want to have that back and it be equal, but i dont know how to change this?

 

has anyone ever felt this way and come through it?

 

will i have to pay hundreds of pounds to a therapist or can i do this myself?

 

i recognise what the problems are can anyone suggest how to change it?

 

thanks for listening x

[Andrina]

It's good that you've learned what you do want and don't want from your experiences. Make a must have list and a deal breakers list. When you're dating, at any point, if the guy is lacking in any must haves or possesses a deal breaker, you need to break up at that point.

[SooSad33]

i recognise what the problems are

- that's a good thing! ow to stop the cycle.

 

I'm sure you're much more aware now... which helps. So... as you work on getting to know someone, you'll come to see the Red flags!

 

Too often nowadays, people are jumping into a relatioship with both feet. They know nothing about this person. It takes time!

 

Last one I had.. i was able to pick up his instability within a month... so worked my hardest to get back OUT of his web.

 

You are just out of one? I suggest you take a good amt of down time now to work on yourself. Never anything wrong with working on ourselves.

 

I find that as we get older we do bcome more knowledgeable = smarter.

 

So.. just take it easy for the next few months.. and take your time in the next one.

[Lola216]

Family issues can affect how we approach certain situations. However, you don't have to have the same relationships as your parents (if you choose not to). "Break the cycle." Don't let that thought weigh you down as you approach your next relationship.

 

Also, if you want marriage, date men who don't straight out tell you they don't want to marry you. That'll help you weed out the incompatible ones.

[Tinkyonks]

I suggest you take a good amt of down time now to work on yourself. Never anything wrong with working on ourselves.

 

thanks for your reply. i know what you said about taking time is right im going to do that... but when people say 'work on yourself' or 'love yourself', what does this actually mean?

 

i've never been on my own for very long, without someone being around in some shape or another. i'd like to do it. i'd like to experience this thing that is supposed to make us love ourselves more... but does that just happen on its own when youre not with someone else?

 

im trrying to build my social life and am planning some holidays next year to visit friends i havent seen in a long time. ive also been looking at retreats, just a day one at first.

 

the thought of just being alone, no one to be anywhere to tell you youre this or that is quite scary for me and i g uess i worry that ill become depressed. I was depressed when i was younger and have battled with this on and off for years, but when a relationship would end, i would find someone new to help feel better, avoid the depression part of grief maybe? so perhaps being with someone became a coping mechanism... rather than being able to cope alone.... but thats scary, what if i dont cope alone?

[catfeeder]

i didnt know how to accept love. this led me to thinking.... Am I emotionally unavailable?

 

Sounds more like you're needy, but you're only interested in 'winning' love from men who won't give it. A guy who just forks it over doesn't satisfy, because part of your pattern is to loooong for love and try to turn someone's ship around.

 

And you're right, that is a deeply ingrained pattern you're acting out, still trying to reconcile your parents' unloving model.

 

Learning how to be comfortable solo is a good stopgap measure, but I'd consider working with a therapist--they're trained in this stuff. When a driver is this unconscious, understanding it is part of the battle, but turning your own ship around requires reversing a life long habit. You can research more about it, but being accountable to someone who knows how to help you work beyond this is a good idea.

 

Head high.

[rtyu4567]

I agree with Andrina, I will be following this advice. Especially when I begin to date. A list and a deal breaker list is ideal, awareness is key.

[Tinkyonks]

Sounds more like you're needy, but you're only interested in 'winning' love from men who won't give it. A guy who just forks it over doesn't satisfy, because part of your pattern is to loooong for love and try to turn someone's ship around.

 

And you're right, that is a deeply ingrained pattern you're acting out, still trying to reconcile your parents' unloving model.

 

Learning how to be comfortable solo is a good stopgap measure, but I'd consider working with a therapist--they're trained in this stuff. When a driver is this unconscious, understanding it is part of the battle, but turning your own ship around requires reversing a life long habit. You can research more about it, but being accountable to someone who knows how to help you work beyond this is a good idea.

 

Head high.

 

this was really interesting, i think i agree that this is what im doing. trying to fix something from the past...always asking validate me, validate me! do you not think that spending time alone and learning how to validate myself could work instead of seeing a therapist? Maybe i just have to learn to let go of the need for validation from others, learn to accept the past for what it was and let it go. perhaps through meditation and precticing self love and self acceptance.

 

i watched a viseo the other day about how to love yourself and it said to look in the mirror and tell yourself 'i love you' and be mindful of what feelings arise. this was quite interesting, i felt very emotional, like i couldnt believe what i was saying, couldnt even look at myself properly. they say if you do this every day that it can help change the way you see yourself.

 

i did look into therapy, but there are so many and you never know how good someone is really going to be, and they charge sooooo much.

 

Also, i kind of want to be able to resolve this myself, because that will ADD to my self esteem.

[RainyCoast]

i find even an average therapist is as efficient as you are driven, interesed, curious and willing to unlearn everything that programmed you for emotonal startvation and dependence. they are costly, but ten years from now your scars will have added complications to multiple areas of your life and you'll have wished you've done damage control sooner. i haven't noticed your age but if you're in school milk the free counseling. if employed, doublecheck whether you can get free counseling or a discount through work. many psychologists, counselors and life coaches offer free sample sessions and although you need to definitely work consistently to recover, some professionals have immense skill and a talent to free your mind with effects definitely noticeable after a single session. i mean that they teach you how to think in ways that are helpful for your recovery and how to unlearn (unlearning, i find, is far more helpful than learning. it does away with the maladaptive conditioning) and you'd also get an idea about who you want to be paying frequently and whom not.

 

talk on here, frequently. support groups also are way cheaper than therapy (sometimes free) and very very helpful.

 

i would ponder on the subtler reasons behind your hesitation to talk to a professional. from vicarious experience, it appears there's a strong element of shame about disclosing oneself, and fear of judgement and rejection by yet another attachent figure. when we move toward people in order to win/justify/summon the other's affection and preserve a relationship (like in your nuclear family and your relationships) we tend to keep important aspects of ourselves out of connection, and these hidden selves are usually the ones we have been made to feel determine us as unwothy of connection.

 

i would start by thinking about my shame, my assumed inadequacy to take on life on my own, the need to experience myelf in connection. this last one, for example, gives ample food for though because if i can only see myself when reflected in an other, it implies annihilation in the absence of the other. you can hear emily (oh for ducks sake her last name isn't a curseword why does it censor it out)inson asking a sensed other from a hermetic bubble of isolation she wants out of "who are you? i'm Nobody, are you Nobody too?". who would we find ourselves to be if stood facing one another, each reflecting the other? but then, the image would certainly be conditiond by what the mirroring other shows,a nd not genuine. one that only exists in binaries, and the binaries usually have to contrast one another strongly, for example, how do i know i am powerful or an authority? there has to be someone who is not. who is weaker, a subordinate. how do i know i am not pretty? because emma stone is gorgeous? how do i know my thighs are too thick? and so forth. so if i operated outside the field of "this/not-this", how would i be defined?

 

i mean i must sound trippy but what is certain is that if i assume i am inadequate, it has to mean i am inadequate in comparison with some ego ideal, and you're correct to assume the latter is set up in early life with parental conditioning.

 

talk to people. everyone is conditioned. most everyone had parental figures. most everyone had been made to feel like they need to meet criteria to be deserving. and the fortunate ones were able to question everything, to deconstruct the rules placed upon them, many have questioned the price tag on them that said any scum could afford them while the truly "high" people wouldn't consider them an option.

 

pep talking your own reflection in the mirror, i don't know. if i tell myself i am good, that is very nice. but i haven't told myself what i believe makes me bad is wrong, nor have i supported my rebuttal with substantial subarguments. it doesn't work on me. in that it doesn't cause a shift in the emotional component at all. forced smiling doesn't either. the problem is the mind has taken something to be true, and the claim isn't supportive to our wellbeing. we have the capacity to think and learn. and the remedial capacities to think about our thinking, and to unlearn. parroting a claim i don't believe makes me feel like i'm underusing a vital ability i was born with.

[catfeeder]

do you not think that spending time alone and learning how to validate myself could work instead of seeing a therapist?

 

I'd do both. Sure, learning self sufficiency is foundational and is everyone's priority. It puts you on a healthy track, builds better judgment and teaches you that flying solo is hardly the end of the world, which takes SOME of the power out of the unconscious driver that seeks and clings. But learning how to relate with men in healthy ways is a different story. Sure, you can take the long road and hard way of a considerable number of years of trial and error, or you can be accountable to someone who is trained to teach you this stuff and you can take some of the error out of your trials--and knock years off of operating unconsciously.

 

Head high.

[Tinkyonks]

thank you everyone for your support.

 

i decided now that im feeling better about things that perhaps things are not as bad as they seemed when i wrote this post.

 

i dont think i have issues with emotional intimacy after all. i have been in a relationship that has been great for most of the time. he wasnt very emotionally close but not completely distant. i think at the end of the day, i needed more from him than he was able to give, for whatever reason. i made a decision to bring it all to the surface and try to discuss it, to see if things could change, and sadly this meant that the relationship ended. i think i always knew that if i actually brought to the surface the things i felt then there was a chance this would happen, which is why i didnt talk about it, and tried to ignore it for so long.

 

But rather than carry on pretending, i did something, got the result i didnt want but, probably the result that was meant to be. now we are both free to find someone who matches our own needs.

 

So i did do something about it.. i brought the issue up, knowing there was a risk we could end up splitting up, since i was no longer just 'going with the flow'.

 

when we first split up, i reached out to an abusive ex... and couldnt understand why. i was scared i was goiong backwards, but i wasnt. i think i needed some closure, i had no desire to meet up with him, none at all. i think its a bit like the doughnuts that tempt us in the store, we walk past, think about picking them up for a second... then the logic kicks in and you think 'no i dont need that' so you put it down and walk away from it, and hardly give it a second thought once youve walked on.

 

i really belive that the key for me is finding happiness being on my own for a while. learning to enjoy my own company and getting that 'complete' and 'secure' feeling that ive experienced while being in a relationship, while being on my own.

 

ive been reading a lot lately and something i read said the feeling comes from within you...which is true. the feeling of love is from within you, that feeling comfortable, secure, happy, content loved... all of that comes from within you...so if it comes from within you, then it is you that creates it, not the other person. if thats the case then we can create it being on our own too.

[catfeeder]

ive been reading a lot lately and something i read said the feeling comes from within you...which is true. the feeling of love is from within you, that feeling comfortable, secure, happy, content loved... all of that comes from within you...so if it comes from within you, then it is you that creates it, not the other person. if thats the case then we can create it being on our own too.

 

Well done. There's an added benefit to learning how to generate comfort, security and happiness while solo: it makes you smarter and more careful about choosing future lovers.

 

Neediness as a driver makes for quick, short term bonds, but it unravels relationships pretty quickly. It can drive you to squelch your own best screening capabilities in favor of accepting people into your life that better judgement would have warned you against pursuing.

 

Finding comfort and solidity in being on your own builds a stronger foundation for holding out for the 'best' relationship rather than the quickest, and it also makes you less likely to reach for sex prematurely in order to cement a bond with someone you're not even certain you'd want to spend 5 months with, much less the next 50 years.

 

Head high, you can do this.

[Tinkyonks]

i find even an average therapist is as efficient as you are driven, interesed, curious and willing to unlearn everything that programmed you for emotonal startvation and dependence. they are costly, but ten years from now your scars will have added complications to multiple areas of your life and you'll have wished you've done damage control sooner. i haven't noticed your age but if you're in school milk the free counseling. if employed, doublecheck whether you can get free counseling or a discount through work. many psychologists, counselors and life coaches offer free sample sessions and although you need to definitely work consistently to recover, some professionals have immense skill and a talent to free your mind with effects definitely noticeable after a single session. i mean that they teach you how to think in ways that are helpful for your recovery and how to unlearn (unlearning, i find, is far more helpful than learning. it does away with the maladaptive conditioning) and you'd also get an idea about who you want to be paying frequently and whom not.

 

talk on here, frequently. support groups also are way cheaper than therapy (sometimes free) and very very helpful.

 

i would ponder on the subtler reasons behind your hesitation to talk to a professional. from vicarious experience, it appears there's a strong element of shame about disclosing oneself, and fear of judgement and rejection by yet another attachent figure. when we move toward people in order to win/justify/summon the other's affection and preserve a relationship (like in your nuclear family and your relationships) we tend to keep important aspects of ourselves out of connection, and these hidden selves are usually the ones we have been made to feel determine us as unwothy of connection.

 

i would start by thinking about my shame, my assumed inadequacy to take on life on my own, the need to experience myelf in connection.

 

i mean i must sound trippy but what is certain is that if i assume i am inadequate, it has to mean i am inadequate in comparison with some ego ideal,

 

rainy coast, a lot of what you said hit home.

 

i re read this thread, because i had another slump and have started to feel depressed which is what i was afraid of.

 

when i read back it seems that i just push down the feelings and pop up with 'no its all fine now, all better, no problem' . i know i do this a lot, im like a yoyo.

 

this is what happens in relationships too. something will happen, lets say my ex saying 'i dont want to live with anyone ever'... i'll will hear that and not be sure about how i feel about it. Part of me would be sad, then part of me would be asking 'does he mean anyone, or does he mean me?' , i would ask him and he would assure me it was anyone. But i wouldnt believe that and think id start to think about 10 or 20 years down the line... is that what i want? but id have really difficulty actually thinking 'what do i want?' like its so far removed i struggle to even locate it.

 

in the end all of that would feel so confusing id end up saying to myself 'its ok, no problem, its fine, im o.k with that'... and so it goes on until the next time it pops up.

 

when people ask me 'what do you want? what makes you happy? where would an ideal date be? i struggle to answer any of those questions.... all i really know is i want to be happy, and i know i like cuddles and affection and id like to be with someone that makes me laugh.

 

you mentioned shame... yes i think that is a big thing with me and you may be right about my hesitation to talk to a professional. I think i feel judged by them, actually i think i feel judged by everyone, so i try not to expose myself too much and im quite fearful of people.

 

one time i received some hate mail through the post and that just made me think that you cant trust anyone. so when i have opened up to someone in a relationship and then they leave me i feel really devastated because i guess it confirma my fear that im not good enough.

[Tinkyonks]

 

Finding comfort and solidity in being on your own builds a stronger foundation for holding out for the 'best' relationship rather than the quickest, and it also makes you less likely to reach for sex prematurely in order to cement a bond with someone you're not even certain you'd want to spend 5 months with, much less the next 50 years.

 

Head high, you can do this.

 

Thank you. i'm glad you think i can do it, im not so certain but i'm trying one day at a time.

 

sex- yes, ive always reached for that to feel wanted. I've been willing to have sex just to feel that physical closeness and be held! thats quite sad really

[catfeeder]

when i read back it seems that i just push down the feelings and pop up with 'no its all fine now, all better, no problem' . i know i do this a lot, im like a yoyo.

 

Rereading threads later is always a good idea. Your self honesty is smart. Not a lot of people have that.

 

in the end all of that would feel so confusing id end up saying to myself 'its ok, no problem, its fine, im o.k with that'... and so it goes on until the next time it pops up.

 

You're describing 'cognitive dissonance,' and you can research that a bit. You fry yourself out fighting to dismiss your own assumptions. Then you pull a Scarlett O'hara and decide it's all fine and you'll think about it another day.

 

Pursuing clarification from others doesn't need to be an interrogation. When you operate out of curiosity rather than forcing someone to deny your negative assumptions, it can be as simple as offering them an opportunity to expand on what they've said. For instance, "I'm confused by that, what do you mean?"

 

when people ask me 'what do you want? what makes you happy? where would an ideal date be? i struggle to answer any of those questions.... all i really know is i want to be happy, and i know i like cuddles and affection and id like to be with someone that makes me laugh.

 

What you want and what makes you happy are blank canvas questions that can make anyone go blank. Context counts. The third question is easier and can give some context to the other questions. "What places or activities have you been able to enjoy with others in the past?" This might point you to a good way to spend a date, or at least rule out stuff you'd hate to do. Some people would love being treated to a football game, while others hate the idea of sitting on freezing bleachers with no interest in what's happening on the field. So the idea is to identify stuff you know about yourself rather than trying to pretzel your mind around what you believe some guy would want to do.

 

you mentioned shame... yes i think that is a big thing with me and you may be right about my hesitation to talk to a professional. I think i feel judged by them, actually i think i feel judged by everyone, so i try not to expose myself too much and im quite fearful of people.

 

Are you judgmental of others? That's not a 'judgy' question, it just helps you to identify whether you're harsh on yourself with some imaginary judge and jury you carry around in your head either because you're secretly judgmental of others and it's a habit that boomerangs back on you--OR, just the opposite: everyone else gets your empathy for their flaws while you single yourself out as the only one who doesn't benefit from the same treatment.

 

One helpful technique I learned was to loop myself into the cycle of forgiveness. When you can be forgiving toward the flaws and mistakes of others, you're halfway there, it's just a matter of avoiding a form of narcissism that holds yourself to a higher standard and won't allow you to be as human--and as fallible--as the next person. OR, when you have the opposite problem in being judgmental of everyone with the same broad brush, then being aware of that opens the door to learning that forgiveness toward others helps you relax into humanity and being more forgiving toward yourself.

 

The cycle breaks your fears of being less than perfect. When you can view the faults and mistakes of others as being about them, not you, then you step out of the narcissism that projects judgment--either onto them or onto yourself. This doesn't mean we need to accept behavior from anyone that is unacceptable. It means when we see cruelty or rudeness or the most base of human behavior, we can be confident that nobody 'deserves' that treatment--including ourselves.

 

It's liberating to think of people in terms of a bunch of frightened human animals struggling to do the best we know how at any given time. Despite appearances, NObody's really got it all down. Nobody is more deserving than the next, nobody holds more intrinsic value than anyone else. Everyone is better than someone else at something, and so we are no better--and no worse--than anyone. We're all just ahead in different areas, and we don't even need to identify those unless that's useful in some way.

 

When you can level the playing field, you don't need to walk around feeling inferior to anyone.

 

Head high.