terminalmobius Posted November 20, 2016 Share Posted November 20, 2016 We're in our thirties. I'm no longer physically attracted to my BF, plus overall attraction has dropped. No chemistry anymore. Even initially I was barely into it physically but he was such a funny, smart, out of box thinker that I swept it under the rug. He was/is exercising and sounded committed to smart eating and fitness, but has gained weight since we met. I can't ignore that my sex drive has disappeared. I am in shape and fitness is important to me. He's trying, but I wonder if this will be a lifelong struggle or if he'll even go backwards. He comes from a family of entirely overweight people. Granted, this issue is complicated: I got safely off my antidepressants since meeting him, and my libido dropped around the same time. So I doubt myself: was it the drugs all along? Should I have never begun this relationship, but drugs acted as rose-colored glasses? My depression is only moderate, which I now manage with diet and supplements; I'm able to function at a normal level and I'm glad to be out from under big pharma. Point is, I'm lucid. It's not just the one issue. I'm familiar with the natural fade of infatuation, but I find myself struggling to remember why I liked him so much. The "best foot forward" of the initial months has gone, and the remnants leave me vaguely unsatisfied. Nothing I could easily point to (hence doubting my own mind), but I don't want to be with someone indefinitely if he feels to me like a roommate not a lover. I'm not perfect, but I feel that my gap between "best foot forward" and "real me" is smaller. We've been together 1 year, and we got engaged a few months ago. I know, kinda quick. I'm not inexperienced and really thought I had it right this time. No dysfunction or remote abuse, just "meh" after 9-10 months of fantastic, fun, mature, functional bliss. If I bring something up, what do I say and how do I frame it or begin? Should I just break it off and if so, what explanation do I give? Link to comment
Andrina Posted November 20, 2016 Share Posted November 20, 2016 I'd probably tell him that you're not feeling the chemistry you need to feel to be in a longterm relationship. Yes, you should break it off. You only have one life to live and there are no do overs. Would you want to be with someone if they found you "meh." This will be doing him a favor, so he can eventually meet someone who is crazy about him. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted November 20, 2016 Share Posted November 20, 2016 I think chemistry is essential to a long term romantic relationship - not fair to either of you if that is missing. Link to comment
Fudgie Posted November 20, 2016 Share Posted November 20, 2016 1 year is definitely an important point because the honeymoon is usually gone by then. It sounds like you're not feeling much chemistry towards him and you're really "seeing" him for who he is, rather than infatuation. I wouldn't blame the drugs. It's just that you had fun with him while you were infatuated and now you're not. It sounds like it's time to move on. Link to comment
terminalmobius Posted November 20, 2016 Author Share Posted November 20, 2016 It sounds like you're not feeling much chemistry towards him and you're really "seeing" him for who he is, rather than infatuation. It's just that you had fun with him while you were infatuated and now you're not. It sounds like it's time to move on. Two people in my life told me "don't eff this up; he's really cool," which gives me pause. Others have congratulated me for landing such a catch. But I guess they can't weigh in on chemistry — and their comments were during the infatuation period. Thanks for the feedback. Link to comment
Wiseman2 Posted November 20, 2016 Share Posted November 20, 2016 Unfortunately not being attracted is a big issue. Have you considered that you may be the one with the issues? The only person you can change is you. Perhaps it's time for a professional evaluation regarding your depression, your motives, your dissatisfaction, your libido in general and lack of attraction to him in particular and whether you can go forward with someone you do not respect. I got safely off my antidepressants since meeting him, and my libido dropped around the same time. So I doubt myself: was it the drugs all along? Should I have never begun this relationship, but drugs acted as rose-colored glasses? My depression is only moderate, which I now manage with diet and supplements Link to comment
Hollyj Posted November 20, 2016 Share Posted November 20, 2016 Why did you get engaged if you feel this way? Link to comment
terminalmobius Posted November 20, 2016 Author Share Posted November 20, 2016 Got engaged while I still felt great. Since then, 2-3 months of not-great. Link to comment
Fudgie Posted November 20, 2016 Share Posted November 20, 2016 It is okay to admit that you two made a mistake: it felt great back then, but it doesn't feel great now. That's okay. Just don't proceed and let him go so you both can move on. There is no right/wrong here...it just doesn't work and that's okay. Link to comment
terminalmobius Posted November 20, 2016 Author Share Posted November 20, 2016 Unfortunately not being attracted is a big issue. Have you considered that you may be the one with the issues? The only person you can change is you. Yes I have. I'm tortured by this thought. Perhaps it's time for a professional evaluation... Perhaps it is. I've been to two therapists over the years, who both said I'm intelligent, introspective, and approach relationships in a healthy manner. No therapy lately, since this relationship began. Link to comment
JaggerJim Posted November 20, 2016 Share Posted November 20, 2016 I would call of the engagement immediately. No point prolonging it any further. Link to comment
catfeeder Posted November 21, 2016 Share Posted November 21, 2016 Two people in my life told me "don't eff this up; he's really cool," which gives me pause. Others have congratulated me for landing such a catch. But I guess they can't weigh in on chemistry — and their comments were during the infatuation period. Thanks for the feedback. Nobody else is living your love life for you, so they don't get a vote. You're only in your 30's. Decide how long you really want to sentence yourself to a relationship without chemistry. We never get any time back to live over again. Link to comment
3dgain Posted November 21, 2016 Share Posted November 21, 2016 I think everyone would say move on but I'll hesitate to say that because you were on the meds depending on how long you were on them it may not be you totally thinking right now your in ur 30's so I'm in the same boat as you how does he fit the other areas of your life does he have kids do u have kids do you want kids does he have a job supportive think about things as a resume I had this girl who I think I felt about like u feel about this guy and she didn't try to change he is putting forth effort do you think with ur knowledge of fitness mayb get him on a strict diet plan and by diet I mean change of lifestyle because of his family history if you can't get some sort of physical atrraction back then for sure let it go you need to have something their. Something to think about in my area in my 30's I guess because I wore a rubber when I was younger it's a weird thing being my age with no kids a good job and something to offer mayb your area has greener grass. Best of luck to you Link to comment
terminalmobius Posted November 21, 2016 Author Share Posted November 21, 2016 We have no kids and specific plans to stay that way, which I like. He's supportive and has a good job. But we're egalitarian, we split everything. I was on meds for a couple years, I've been off them entirely for several months now. I hope that means I'm clear of withdrawal. Link to comment
Fudgie Posted November 21, 2016 Share Posted November 21, 2016 Several months post anti-depressant meds? Yeah, you're not going through any withdrawal by now. The drugs are out of your system. Link to comment
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