bad choices

[treestandalone]

Hi people's 😊

I'm new to this whole forum thing...but have felt conflicted for months and wanted to ask advice or get some feedback.

 

I dated a older man for probably 6 years...I pursued him and we had a positive relationship but he never grew to want to take me seriously...I guess I just gave up wanting to build something and accepted my companionship instead. But then he started to not want to spend much time with me and our love life was non existant. I felt pretty sad and lonely. He went away somewhere warm for the winter without me. I felt none of my life plans were lining up with his, it felt pretty lonely. But I just accepted things the way they were...

 

Before he left on his trip I had developed a friendship with a new neighbor. He was a bit closer to my age but still older. He was very quirky bubbly smart, and always eager to share a coffee, dog walk, or a game of chess. His sense of humor was insanely funny. He was newly recovered from drinking and going to aa. Before my partner left and while he was away we hung out quite often as friends. Just before my partner returned I began to develop feelings towards this new man, and I could tell he seemed to feel similar by subtle things he said. He knew I had a boyfriend though. After my partner returned I felt lost, because I had been with him so long without growth in our relationship, and for the first time had feelings for this new man. I wanted to tell the new man, I will call him Joe for now, that I really liked him, but was too frightened.

 

We were together one evening listening to music and playing music, and when it got super late he said he could make me a bed upstairs, but I ended up crawling into bed with him ridiculously thinking I could sleep happily next to this person I felt so happy to be around without doing anything out of line. We ended up cuddled up and holding each other and exchanging kisses. It was like being woken up again, we had amazing chemistry that I didn't know I was capable of having. I immediately felt like I had betrayed my partner and new I needed to end my relationship because it would never get better. And I did.

 

It is hard to describe everything that happened, this is so long already. My partner was sad and understanding, but let me go. I still love him, but our romance was gone and it was like we were old friends with no relationship like ties or true commitment. I was so afraid to tell him of the new person i had feeling for, and wanted more time to let the dust settle, so I didnt. My ex went away as he often does and I continued to see the new person. I told Joe I didn't want to tell my ex because of how quickly we had become involved and how long we had been together. I struggled with that guilt and tried not to dwell on it.

 

The new guy really liked me but definitely had problems of his own that made our relationship challanging, like past alcohol issues and adhd. He also had insecurity issues, and was having trouble finding work at the time, but I never judged him, I just adored him. But he would have outbursts because I hadnt told my ex about him, and didn't want to make my relationship too public where I live either. And I thought he would understand this but he seemed to want things to move much faster then myself. That's when I realized he would drink and have crazy outburst, and in turn I found it harder to want to make our relationship known because his behaviour freaked me out...my ex eventually returned and we were on okay terms, and Joe got even more volatile and I got more withdrawn....

 

I broke up with him after him drinking and shouting on a few occasions and feeling exhausted..,and feeling trapped by my own secret and being threatened by it felt awful...but I feel like I hurt both people by not being open and I wonder if things could have been alright had I been honest. It wouldn't take away the fact joe has obvious trouble with drinking and anger, but I know I really didn't do right by anyone. Has anyone out there been in a situation like this? I was scared to death of losing my ex's friendship, and didn't want to feel rushed by joe, but also did not want to hurt joe...it just felt like there was no choice that wouldn't be devastating and I chose to do nothing...

 

I tried to be friends with him after we broke up, but he really wanted to be intimate and then would come back to being angry and crazy about about my ex, who I really didn't want to drag into the mess I had created because he was moving on and just doing his own thing. I felt by not being with anyone else either was somehow doing the right thing...and I wasn't sure Joe had promising habits for a serious relationship, which was the direction he was quickly trying to push me.

 

We haven't spoken hardly at all in a month and today I tried to write an email apology which I'm sure can't fix things, but I really do miss his friendship more than anything...I just wish I hadn't created this mess. Please if anyone has advice on what they would have done or would do now, I would be happy for feedback. Thanks for reading my crazy story....

 

I'm mostly feeling at this point I will never let myself get swept up in attraction so quickly again, and I will definitely give myself a break between relationships, not to mention be honest unlike I was in this one circumstance. Usually I am very straightforward and honest and I havent really ended up in a dilemma like this before..,but I would never go there again.

Thanks again for reading, I look forward to any feedback...

[gebaird]

It sounds like you've learned a lot from what you've gone through. I'm so sorry you have had so many struggles Be kind and forgiving to yourself. Your first relationship wasn't meeting your emotional needs, and that's why you turned to Joe.

 

In the future, don't be afraid to end a relationship that isn't meeting your needs and can't be fixed. Both of your relationships sound like they fell into that category. Look for someone who cherishes you.

[catfeeder]

I'm mostly feeling at this point I will never let myself get swept up in attraction so quickly again, and I will definitely give myself a break between relationships, not to mention be honest unlike I was in this one circumstance. Usually I am very straightforward and honest and I havent really ended up in a dilemma like this before..,but I would never go there again.

Thanks again for reading, I look forward to any feedback...

 

These are good things to have learned, and I don't see any evidence in your post of trying to blind yourself to anything.

 

I'd consider this growth and learning through experience rather than holding onto regrets. I'd also skip trying to hold onto friendships with exes. You'll thank yourself later.

 

Head high.

[nutbrownhare]

As someone who comes from an alcoholic family and has spent several years in Alanon - I wouldn't dream of dating an alcoholic unless they had years of solid recovery behind them. An addict of any description is not capable of having a meaningful relationship with anyone - even though they may protest to the contrary. What most are looking for is a way of staying sick, safely.

 

Your other partner sounds as though he is completely emotionally unavailable from the word go.

 

I agree that you need to spend some time alone, to figure out what you'd like from a partner and what you want to give to a relationship, and then find someone where you're on the same page. It takes a while to find out where the other person's really coming from, so take your time and don't rush.

 

There's also a saying "A relationship which needs to be hidden is one you shouldn't be in, in the first place". It's food for thought.

[treestandalone]

Thanks for the feedback everyone...I like the above quote about not being in a hidden relationship...I think I was struggling to make things work but sometimes his behaviour would get so belligerent I felt like I wasn't able to be open about being with him to other people, I was sort of waiting for it to calm down first I guess... maybe I should have mentioned he has Adhd too which I have a hunch might be related to his drinking. Ive been reading alot about Adhd to try to get a better understanding of him and what happened between us...He did fall back into drinking when we were together a few times and there were a few occasions where I felt terrified by his behaviour when he was drinking...its tough to find ways to relate to someone so complex, and hard for me to describe everything that I have experienced in detail here. I feel pretty sad because of the connection we seemed to have...He did seem to want to do better and take care of himself when we we together, but from what I've read about Adhd and the impulsive behaviors and insecurities associated with it, he maybe couldn't handle me not making my ex aware of him and would freak out and lash out in a crazy way...I feel bad now knowing that hurt him so much and contributed to the outcome of things, but also upon seeing his reactions and behaviours I don't know if I could have developed or stayed in a committed relationship with him, even though I feel I love him. It's still pretty confusing and sad to me... but I appreciate you guys giving your input and reading this, it really means alot. Blessings 😊

[nutbrownhare]

If you'd like a preview of the kind of life you'd have had with this man, look at some of the stories on this website: [url="

 

Similarly, there's a forum for recovering alcoholics on the same site. You can tell which forum members have a great deal of recovery behind them; there's a striking humility and genuine capacity for self-reflection about them. Most alcoholics/addicts do not get well.