Not sure what to call this :/

[Traceyh167]

So me and my boyfriend have been together 6 years. A few months back we went through a rough patch and weren't getting along. We were arguing and my boyfriend broke up with me, I was completely shocked and knew it was serious because we had never broken up before. I then found out that he actually cheated on me the week before, I was destroyed. He then started being rude to me and was awful towards me when I found out, which was completely not him and started taking drugs. After a few weeks we decided to get back together a give it another go. It took a lot for me but I realised for him he was in a dark place and it was a complete mistake. He apologises every day and regrets what he did. Fast forward a year and we're great, the best we've ever been. I just find it hard because he would never communicate with me if he had doubts about our relationship or if he's annoyed with me in any way etc. I think that's why I was so caught off guard when we broke up because he didn't voice anything to me. I love him so much and plan on spending the rest of my life with him. I just find it very hard that he doesn't communicate with me how he feels. I think communication is key in a relationship and I always try to talk him into talking about anything but even if we have a disagreement and I've done something wrong, he won't tell me that. It's like he's so worried about hurting my feelings but I've told him not to be, we're both very happy at the moment but just wish he would do this. Any tips or experience on trying to have your man communicate with you??

[Edmund Exley]

Has he had any therapy to deal with any of what sent him down this dark path?

[Traceyh167]

No he hasn't, we have been together since we were quite young and he had never really gone out and drank with his friends (I never stopped him from doing that, I encouraged him to) he then did that for the first time and cheated on me, then started taking drugs and turned into a horrible person. Once we started talking again he got himself back on track and we got back together. He's now completely back to himself.

[Edmund Exley]

Those are some really bad decisions to make suddenly. Obviously he is still concerned he can make another bad decision. If he can he probably could benefit talking to a professional.

[Kaykayxo]

He clearly internalizes things and does not know/was not taught to express his emotions (negative emotions?) outwardly in a sufficient way. This runs much deeper than something that can be fixed with a simple conversation, or you asking him too. I would gently point out to him that you want him to be more vocal with you and it means a lot when he shares his feelings. However this is something he needs to address himself. Suppressed feelings are not healthy and can lead to trouble in relationships, but the truth is some people are simply less communicative. My father is very much like this, and takes a passive aggressive or silent approach when bothered. He has never changed. Make sure your concern is voiced in a way that encourages him to know his feelings are respected and he can come to you, however do not expect the problem will immediatley be solved. This is a deep-rooted trait of his that he needs to either overcome himself, or learn to handle in a more effective manner (assuming he wants to).

 

It is no doubt difficult being in a relationship with someone who is mute about what is bothering them. Sometimes you need to hear your partner is mad/ what they are mad about so you can fix it and avoid future problems. If he isn't communicating this it can possibly lead to another blind side breakup in the future. Try to speak with him, and take note of other cues he may send. Though he does not outwardly express these things, perhaps his body language or behavior are his way of letting you know he is upset etc?

[Traceyh167]

What do you think about couples councelling? So we can talk about this issues.

[Traceyh167]

I can definitely tell when something is up with him. In the weeks before we broke up I knew there was something up but he wouldn't tell me what that was. Since the break up he told me he wasn't sure about our relationship any more. I definitely don't think he was taught to express his emotions, it feels like even if I've pissed him off he won't voice it.

[Edmund Exley]

I would talk to a therapist, I'd guess they will want to work with him seperately first. This was an individual issue, not a couples problem.