He Didn't Know How to Love?

[summerdaze]

I was in a long term relationship before I met this other guy. I was already feeling like my boyfriend and I just weren't compatible and long distance was putting a strain on these feelings.

Nearly finished with my first year of college, I meet Nolan. I felt an instant connection and we dated briefly before suddenly we transitioned back to being friends. It was weird and months passed (I dated others) and communication with Nolan completely fell off. The next school year rolled around and we reconnected, intended on being better friends, but old feelings rose again and we dated again. He's always been emotionally distant, he's struggled with suicide and depression and goes to therapy regularly.

But I gave him everything and every moment we shared felt perfect. I'd leave my stuff at his place because I was sleeping over so much. We cooked together, went out on dates, and he was just about to take me to his friend's birthday party to introduce me to all of them.

Literally the day before he sends me a text saying this isn't working.

We meet up and the gist of it was he felt emotionally incapable of loving another person. He said he could feel I liked him more than he liked me. He was afraid I'd fall in love and he'd be unable to reciprocate. That he was hoping it would blossom into something more on his end, but he didn't feel it happening.

How could we have such intimate moments with each other for him to give up on me? I'm trying not to self-wallow but I can't help but wonder why he lost interest. I feel unloveable. He said I am positive and uplifting and that those traits aren't in his nature. I don't know how to move on.

[smackie9]

He has his demons to deal with. With depression, is takes over your life and you lose interest in everything. Like it's too much work emotionally and can't cope with it. Whatever he is doing for it, he isn't managing it properly. This is a life long disease.

 

You are better off without him.

[ThatwasThen]

He said I am positive and uplifting and that those traits aren't in his nature.

Can you even imagine trying to live a life with someone who is the opposite of "positive" and "uplifting?"

 

He's got mental issues and he's done you a favor by letting you go. You are positive and uplifting and you have your whole life ahead of you to share with someone who is also those things (and more) too.

 

You get over him by going zero contact, accepting that you can do better then a depressed downer and you keep yourself busy with friends, school work, hobbies all of which will lead you to finding a better partner.

 

Good luck, hope you process you pain quickly and with positive hopes for the future.

[SooSad33]

Do NOT feel Unolveable.. he's just not a good match for you,

As mentioned.. his depression is really challenging. Youve tried twice.. not gonna work.

 

The intimate moments are easy.. it's the actual realty of relationship thats challenging.. cause it takes commitment, time, effort, etc.. and he likely dosnt have that in him- with the depression.

[mandeelove]

Just went through this with a guy I dated 6 months. He had depression and other issues. As soon as things got serious he pushed me away. Let the depression take over and said I deserved better. They dont want to put effort . They dont care when they are depressed. Sometimes people dont want help believe it or not.

[SooSad33]

Just went through this with a guy I dated 6 months. He had depression and other issues. As soon as things got serious he pushed me away. Let the depression take over and said I deserved better. They dont want to put effort . They dont care when they are depressed. Sometimes people dont want help believe it or not.

 

'Let the depression take over'?.... ' Somtimes people dont want help'?

- YOU are not a professional in order to 'help' them. And Im sure they DO want and do get help.

As for letting it take over.. there's NO control in that. It happens.. it is their "mental state'.

 

I deal with Depression... and have for years. I have had many downfalls. Not always did it effect or end a relationship, but it's been there. At times worse than others.

As of the last 3+ years, it has been more challenging than normal. I have been on and off med's and in therapy.. but, it's still there.

 

We don't just 'choose' to be this way... if that's how you're wording it. Sadly, depression can make someone feel VERY low and very challenged etc with the World they live in. Somtimes it's VERY difficult to function with even the easiest task.

 

If you don't understand depression... might be an idea to research it.

[summerdaze]

I think I thought I could fix him. And hearing him say he couldn't feel love and his feelings for me didn't develop, I was shocked. Thoughts of him cloud over my hobbies and school and work. It's been hard, but talking about it makes it better. I appreciate your response, thank you.

[summerdaze]

I've been going through a phase where I blame myself. I think it was the way he phrased things. First he said we were incompatible and he felt apathetic and then he told me I was happy and positive and he felt he couldn't uplift me in the same way. He knew I'd fall in love first and so he left. It's always hard when mental health is a factor in the relationship. I myself struggle with anxiety disorder and I've done research on depression, but I'm no professional. I thought I could fix him. Thank you for your response, I think it's exactly what you said. He just didn't have it in him.

[mandeelove]

'Let the depression take over'?.... ' Somtimes people dont want help'?

- YOU are not a professional in order to 'help' them. And Im sure they DO want and do get help.

As for letting it take over.. there's NO control in that. It happens.. it is their "mental state'.

 

I deal with Depression... and have for years. I have had many downfalls. Not always did it effect or end a relationship, but it's been there. At times worse than others.

As of the last 3+ years, it has been more challenging than normal. I have been on and off med's and in therapy.. but, it's still there.

 

We don't just 'choose' to be this way... if that's how you're wording it. Sadly, depression can make someone feel VERY low and very challenged etc with the World they live in. Somtimes it's VERY difficult to function with even the easiest task.

 

If you don't understand depression... might be an idea to research it.

I believe anyone can get better with real effort and its not easy, ur right. You sound like u are making true effort to feel good if u can. I am only speaking about one person, not all of people with depression. My guy chose to stay in that depression and told me he does not want to change and may actually like being that way and told me he doesnt care about my days etc, he only cares about his own problems. So yea, depression isnt easy but some people completely shut off. Im not the first girl he did that to. He even told me he recognizes his pattern but he does not care to change that.

 

I have my own depression and I like to be alone when it gets bad but if I have even one good friend trying to help, I keep them close to me so I can get some human contact and not be in a hole. I eventually bounce back with the help. Depression isnt always the same for everyone.

[mandeelove]

By the way I wasnt saying depression isnt easy. I live it so I know.

[smackie9]

Tip: never go into a relationship to rescue or fix someone. Their issues are not your problems to fix.