Does he want the shirt off my back, too?

[jennylove]

I do a lot of heavy traveling for work, I'm typically in an area for 3mos-18mos. This makes dating pretty difficult. But a few months ago, I met someone while bowling. We went out for lunch and I told him upfront that I'm not interested in getting involved with anyone in an area that I'm contracted at because I'm only there temporarily. He insisted that if things "worked out" between us, we will find away to make geographics work. As time went on, I learned that he was laid off from his job and got a divorce 3 years ago. He doesn't have a pot to piss in basically. He lives with his mom now, and for work, he does handyman work when he can land something. Right now, he's remodeling someone's bathroom.

 

I'm not out for money. I understand that times are rough and jobs are hard to find. I continued to date him. But last night, I told him that I found out from my company that I'll be leaving this job in 6 weeks. I'm going to work at my hometown for several months and then I'll probably be traveling again. My hometown is 4 hours from him. He was upset and asked why I don't get a permanent job at my contracted job since they love me, and then I can stay. Likewise, I told him that if he wants, he can stay with me in my hometown rent free, and maybe he can find a job in my city. And if it works out for him in my city, I can quit traveling. Rent-free because I'm blessed to own my condo, no mortgage. He said he doesn't like my city (even though he's never been there) and he wants me to move closer to him. I can't believe he thinks I'm going to uproot and move. I have a paid off-condo, a house full of furniture, a job. He has nothing. He thinks it's ok for me to sell my place and start paying rent in his city. Or even buy a place in his city - which is a very expensive city. I just can't believe people. They are all about themselves. They don't have your best interest at heart. I had his best interest at heart, I know he would've found work in my hometown and he could've saved so much money. And if not, he lost nothing. He could move back to his mom's, no big deal.

[j.man]

I remember you posting about this guy back in June. Why are you still with him and why are you inviting him to live with you only like 6 months into dating? I think you need to take care of yourself and ditch the dead weight.

[Wiseman2]

It sounds like he's very illogical and maybe not too bright. Don't offer to be his sugar mama. Why bother with this discussion? It makes no sense.

 

Let him carry his own weight, be near his ex/kids, parents, etc and that will free you to move on and find someone local to date when you move back.

I told him that if he wants, he can stay with me in my hometown rent free, and maybe he can find a job in my city. I can't believe he thinks I'm going to uproot and move.

[jennylove]

It sounds like he's very illogical and maybe not too bright. Don't offer to be his sugar mama. Why bother with this discussion? It makes no sense.

 

Let him carry his own weight, be near his ex/kids, parents, etc and that will free you to move on and find someone local to date when you move back.

 

He doesn't have kids. But anyway, yes, he can live his life how he wants. I'm not really heartbroken, but it stings a little. I should've never gotten involved with him. Hindsight is always 20/20 !

[jennylove]

Jman, Well he's gone now. It's always something. I don't have a list of things that I want in a man. But ideally he won't have kids, teenagers are ok, but I'm not about to date anyone with little kids again. When I find someone who doesn't have kids, who I find handsome, nice, etc, he doesn't work. Happens all the time.

[Hollyj]

I do a lot of heavy traveling for work, I'm typically in an area for 3mos-18mos. This makes dating pretty difficult. But a few months ago, I met someone while bowling. We went out for lunch and I told him upfront that I'm not interested in getting involved with anyone in an area that I'm contracted at because I'm only there temporarily. He insisted that if things "worked out" between us, we will find away to make geographics work. As time went on, I learned that he was laid off from his job and got a divorce 3 years ago. He doesn't have a pot to piss in basically. He lives with his mom now, and for work, he does handyman work when he can land something. Right now, he's remodeling someone's bathroom.

 

I'm not out for money. I understand that times are rough and jobs are hard to find. I continued to date him. But last night, I told him that I found out from my company that I'll be leaving this job in 6 weeks. I'm going to work at my hometown for several months and then I'll probably be traveling again. My hometown is 4 hours from him. He was upset and asked why I don't get a permanent job at my contracted job since they love me, and then I can stay. Likewise, I told him that if he wants, he can stay with me in my hometown rent free, and maybe he can find a job in my city. And if it works out for him in my city, I can quit traveling. Rent-free because I'm blessed to own my condo, no mortgage. He said he doesn't like my city (even though he's never been there) and he wants me to move closer to him. I can't believe he thinks I'm going to uproot and move. I have a paid off-condo, a house full of furniture, a job. He has nothing. He thinks it's ok for me to sell my place and start paying rent in his city. Or even buy a place in his city - which is a very expensive city. I just can't believe people. They are all about themselves. They don't have your best interest at heart. I had his best interest at heart, I know he would've found work in my hometown and he could've saved so much money. And if not, he lost nothing. He could move back to his mom's, no big deal.

 

Why are you still involved with guy? He lives with his mother and has no motivation?

Aim higher!

[jennylove]

I know, Holly. I kept telling myself that one day he will be back on his feet and things will be great.

[Stay_home]

I do a lot of heavy traveling for work, I'm typically in an area for 3mos-18mos. This makes dating pretty difficult. But a few months ago, I met someone while bowling. We went out for lunch and I told him upfront that I'm not interested in getting involved with anyone in an area that I'm contracted at because I'm only there temporarily. He insisted that if things "worked out" between us, we will find away to make geographics work. As time went on, I learned that he was laid off from his job and got a divorce 3 years ago. He doesn't have a pot to piss in basically. He lives with his mom now, and for work, he does handyman work when he can land something. Right now, he's remodeling someone's bathroom.

 

I'm not out for money. I understand that times are rough and jobs are hard to find. I continued to date him. But last night, I told him that I found out from my company that I'll be leaving this job in 6 weeks. I'm going to work at my hometown for several months and then I'll probably be traveling again. My hometown is 4 hours from him. He was upset and asked why I don't get a permanent job at my contracted job since they love me, and then I can stay. Likewise, I told him that if he wants, he can stay with me in my hometown rent free, and maybe he can find a job in my city. And if it works out for him in my city, I can quit traveling. Rent-free because I'm blessed to own my condo, no mortgage. He said he doesn't like my city (even though he's never been there) and he wants me to move closer to him. I can't believe he thinks I'm going to uproot and move. I have a paid off-condo, a house full of furniture, a job. He has nothing. He thinks it's ok for me to sell my place and start paying rent in his city. Or even buy a place in his city - which is a very expensive city. I just can't believe people. They are all about themselves. They don't have your best interest at heart. I had his best interest at heart, I know he would've found work in my hometown and he could've saved so much money. And if not, he lost nothing. He could move back to his mom's, no big deal.

 

No offense to him, but I think you should find yourself a new boyfriend to date. He seems very hard to please.

[itsallgrand]

There ARE men out there who are self sustaining. Why don't you reevaluate your deal breakers?

 

Seems obvious it would be in your best interests to not be with this man.

[Hollyj]

I know, Holly. I kept telling myself that one day he will be back on his feet and things will be great.

 

Don't ever expect people to change.

[abitbroken]

If i made a ton of money and the love of my life did contract jobs, I wouldn't hesitate as long as was always looking for new customers - maybe he'd finish a project and have a few days off in between. I would figure we would never need to pay for a repair at our house. Maybe because of my income, he could afford to take a certification in another skill - like welding, etc, to make himself even more desirable. Many family members of mine were handymen or did rough carpentry, etc, and they did fine.

 

The mistake you made though is telling him he can live rent free, etc. And living with his mom - I would prefer a man who didn't.

 

I would say you are at an impasse and if he is not willing to meet you halfway to spend weekends together - why bother.

 

I agree that he is not a match for you - but I am sensitive to the idea of people thinking doing remodeling/contract work is not a legitimate form of work.

[jennylove]

If i made a ton of money and the love of my life did contract jobs, I wouldn't hesitate as long as was always looking for new customers - maybe he'd finish a project and have a few days off in between. I would figure we would never need to pay for a repair at our house. Maybe because of my income, he could afford to take a certification in another skill - like welding, etc, to make himself even more desirable. Many family members of mine were handymen or did rough carpentry, etc, and they did fine.

 

The mistake you made though is telling him he can live rent free, etc. And living with his mom - I would prefer a man who didn't.

 

I would say you are at an impasse and if he is not willing to meet you halfway to spend weekends together - why bother.

 

I agree that he is not a match for you - but I am sensitive to the idea of people thinking doing remodeling/contract work is not a legitimate form of work.

 

Yes, this was exactly my way of thinking. There was more to this that I didn't post. If we did a LDR and if we decided that he could move in with me after a few more months of dating , and if he couldn't find work in my hometown, then yes, he could easily go back to school for a trade: plumbing, welding,etc. I wasnt knocking him for not working or living with mom. Shiot happens. But it baffles me that he thinks I should sell my place, and then pay rent in his town, when I'm not paying anything now except HOA/taxes. I'd never ask anyone to go that, it makes no sense.

[smackie9]

Maybe next time you should take a good long look at their situation before dating them. IMO people who are in such a crappy situation shouldn't be dating until they do find a solid job, have their own place, etc. You have to wonder why they find themselves in a situation in the first place....he's divorced for 3 years already ( probably for his lack of getting his crap together) still living at home, pretty much jobless. This speaks volumes to me......stay the f away. When they talk more about what they are going to do and not very much of what they have accomplished, they got issues. The nerve of him is right. He is not the one for you, you dodged a bullet.

 

You find your equal and never settle for less or someone's hot air. I totally cringed when I read you offered him to live rent free....it would have been an invitation for disaster. He would have been a freeloader, giving you more bs stories how he's just that far away from getting a sweet job, etc, and all the while he is draining your bank account. Thank god you see his true colors and dumped him.

[Edmund Exley]

Jman, Well he's gone now. It's always something. I don't have a list of things that I want in a man. But ideally he won't have kids, teenagers are ok, but I'm not about to date anyone with little kids again. When I find someone who doesn't have kids, who I find handsome, nice, etc, he doesn't work. Happens all the time.

 

Generally, theres a reason they got that far into life that way and are available, usually its not good.

[jennylove]

I don't believe this. I'm sure people wonder what's wrong with me to be single/no kids at my age. There is nothing wrong, I just haven't met "the one", I travel a lot for work, and I generally take a good year off from dating if I've broken up with someone who I loved. Time flies...

[Edmund Exley]

I don't believe this. I'm sure people wonder what's wrong with me to be single/no kids at my age. There is nothing wrong, I just haven't met "the one", I travel a lot for work, and I generally take a good year off from dating if I've broken up with someone who I loved. Time flies...

 

I said generally. You arent unemployed and living with mom. I was childless until 42, but I was busy working and taking care of me.

[Hollyj]

I don't believe this. I'm sure people wonder what's wrong with me to be single/no kids at my age. There is nothing wrong, I just haven't met "the one", I travel a lot for work, and I generally take a good year off from dating if I've broken up with someone who I loved. Time flies...

 

Hon, there is NOTHING wrong with you, except your picker!!! I think you went with this guy, due to the fact that you have that belief. NEVER SETTLE!!!!

 

Look for someone with the same values and goals, not someone who is willing to freeload, and live off of momma.

 

Be patient, you will find "the one," if you pass on these other types.

[SoulTaker]

He insisted that if things "worked out" between us, we will find away to make geographics work. As time went on, I learned that he was laid off from his job and got a divorce 3 years ago. He doesn't have a pot to piss in basically. He lives with his mom now, and for work, he does handyman work when he can land something. Right now, he's remodeling someone's bathroom.

 

We went out for lunch and I told him upfront that I'm not interested in getting involved with anyone in an area that I'm contracted at because I'm only there temporarily.

 

I'm not out for money. I understand that times are rough and jobs are hard to find. I continued to date him. But last night, I told him that I found out from my company that I'll be leaving this job in 6 weeks.

 

It sounds like he's very illogical and maybe not too bright.

 

Wiseman, I see the opposite. I think he's brilliant. This unemployed, "living at home with his mom" man, has got this hardworking, intelligent woman, putting him in her future plan, in having him come live with her.

 

Op, why did you betray your plan in not getting involved with an out-of-town man, especially someone who you stated in harsh terms, has no money? What has this man put on you, that would cause you to act like this?

[jennylove]

I guess I wanted companionship and I hoped for the best. I didn't mean to sound harsh, but the things I said are absolutely true. He literally has nothing except clothes and a old car. In fact he just texted me and tols me that he cannot move in with me this soon, because it's too soon. And he can't do a LDR because he doesn't have money for that much gas.

[SoulTaker]

I guess I wanted companionship and I hoped for the best. I didn't mean to sound harsh, but the things I said are absolutely true. He literally has nothing except clothes and a old car. In fact he just texted me and tols me that he cannot move in with me this soon, because it's too soon. And he can't do a LDR because he doesn't have money for that much gas.

 

Being with someone because you don't want to be alone, is a terrible decision. The last thing you need is a "free loader" living with you, especially while you're away on your assignments. Don't make this fatal mistake. Re-gain your senses and part from this man. He's not a good fit for you.

[boltnrun]

Someone I know was lonely and "sick and tired of being alone".

 

So, she found a homeless guy. Bought him clothes, took him to get a facial, paid for him to get some dental work done and allowed him to use her car. Oh, and she asked him to move in after the second date.

 

Mysteriously, he "lost" his job immediately after moving in with her. He "lost" every single job he found after that. He was content to sit in HER house, watching TV, surfing the net and eating the food and drinking the beer SHE paid for. Oh, and turns out he's a rabid racist who goes on racist rants, loud enough that her neighbors can hear every word.

 

Now she's having trouble getting him to move out.

 

Don't ever think that wanting "companionship" means you have to take a guy who doesn't meet your standards. And never take on a "fixer-upper". That works for houses, not people.

[catfeeder]

If [...] we decided that he could move in with me after a few more months of dating, and if he couldn't find work in my hometown, then yes, he could easily go back to school for a trade: plumbing, welding,etc. [...] But it baffles me that he thinks I should sell my place, and then pay rent in his town, when I'm not paying anything now except HOA/taxes. I'd never ask anyone to go that, it makes no sense.

 

It makes perfect sense, because just as you projected your aspirations 'for' him onto him, he did the exact same thing to you.

 

As it turns out, you're both equally invested in your own lives exactly where they are. If you can accept that about yourself, why not be equally inclined to accept that about him? Because of real estate?

 

You and I both agree with Abitbroken's take on respectful appreciation of contract work, so why would it not occur to you that the guy's network is already in place where he lives, and he may be equally as offended by your assumptions that he'd want to give that up?

 

I'm not defending the guy, I'm just offering a potential answer to your question. He didn't like your solution as much as you didn't like his. So instead of taking offense, which blocks you from accepting the equality of the situation (which has more to offer you in terms of confidence building for moving forward,) why not trust your initial instincts to respect the guy?

 

This way, you don't need to trash your choice to invest in him as 'wrong,' but rather you can view this instead as the kind of natural discovery we all need to flush out while dating in order to either pass on bad matches or keep a good match.

 

It moves you further along in your resilience for dating if you can avoid villainizing those who don't turn out to be good matches. Taking offense and assigning blame is the stuff that chisels away your own resilience. It casts you as a victim of a bad choice in a person, and what does that buy you?

 

I'd rather build myself UP by congratulating myself on my courage to play out a possibility than trash the experience by casting an ex as a villain--because if I'm still picking villains, then how I can I trust my own judgement? What does that kind of insecurity in my own choices buy me to move forward with?

 

Head high, and congrats for having the guts to give this a shot. Consider which buys you more: staying congruent with your respect for the guy's choices even when those don't align with yours, or projecting an imbalance onto the relationship where the guy is either too stupid or too disinterested in you to see the advantage in replacing his best judgment with yours.