It feels like I became the dumpee, its been a horrible 6 weeks for me.

[Heartease]

6 weeks ago, I broke up with my ex-girlfriend of about 11 months. She’s 19 and Im 22. We were both each other first’s. We had been arguing a lot for the past 6 months, 1 argument for every month. Big arguments which most of the time she will use the break up word on me and I will sort things out with her and we will patch back again usually within a day. The break up happened when we were texting and she said this is not the RS that she wants because I was not a good boyfriend, I didn’t really buy gifts for her and she feel that she always does more for me compared to me and then she started listing out the things that she had done and what I didn’t do for her. That’s when I lost my , I was angry that she’s using the break up word again and in my emotional state, I agreed with her and told her that I am feeling jaded from this rs due to all the arguments and break-patch pattern. How the break-patch pattern is causing me to build up walls and that I can feel myself loving her lesser. I guess its a subconscious thing as why am I trying to hold on to this rs, when the other party want to break up all the time. Everyday feels like a ticking time bomb as I dk when we will argue again which will lead to a break up.

 

We didn’t talk until the next night when she asked me how did the rs broke down like that. I started listing out all the unhappiness that I have felt in this rs. That’s when she started begging me back, wanting to fix things right. I have never felt this way before, but my heart was really cold that night. I kept refusing and then she started saying how she wanted the old me back and wanted to commit suicide to find the old Edmund back. I was so worried because I don’t want her to lose her life over this so I rushed over to her place. At her place, she was crying badly and begging me so hard, asking for a second chance. I kept saying no and saying that its impossible and I guess I really broke her heart over this. That night was so unreal, I became a person that I didn’t recognise, someone who will hurt his loved one like this. Till this day, I still regret about what I did and how cold I was in my emotional and confused state. This happened during my uncle’s passing and I left her place at dawn to rush to my uncle’s cremation.

 

One thing that really affected me was during one of our breakup argument last time, she went to the club and makeout with a random guy and gave the guy her number. I only knew about it the next day. I tried to comfort her and told her that its not like it never happened to me bef as I made out with a girl before we got together. She was really unhappy about it as she asked me if I had any girl before her and I said no. Because to me, it was just a random club encounter and I never considered that girl as something important. She wanted to break up over this last time because of guilt over her actions and how its wrong for us to be tgt after this happened. I had to comfort her and tell her that everything will be alright while Im hurting inside from all these. For my part, I know it was stupid of me to talk about my past experience and not telling her about that girl last time.

 

2 days later after the cremation, I regretted my actions and apologised to her, wanting her back and that we have to work on many things for this rs to be successful. She asked me to come back and ask why do we have so many things to work on, isn’t love enough? Few hours later, she texted me saying she don’t want to see me cause Im so hot and cold towards her, suddenly wanting her back after hurting her. So I told her, to let us have a week break for her to think things through. The next day, she told me that she made a decision and its not what I wanted. 2 days later, I was texting her about some other issues when she told me that she hooked up with someone on Tinder while she was drunk and she regretted it. I was angry and called her a fxcking and that the incident changed everything about us. From what I know from her 1 week later, she met this senior in school and he comforted her during our break up and she caught feelings for him and that they are gonna date. I was crushed cause I know they did “things” too during this period too.

 

During this few weeks, she texted me asking me how am I feeling, have I moved on or not. She wanted to be friends with me, but I told her that I cant do it bec I don’t want to be friends with her while Im still pining over her while shes with the new guy. I had LC with her and only responded to her when she text me.

During this period, I met her once as she need to take something from me. We talked after that and during our emotional state, I couldn’t help myself and hugged her. Told her how I thought I will never hugged her again and telling her that as much as I usually brush her off when she says she want to marry me. I told her I alr had a vague plan of marrying her after her University studies. She cried and said that she really wanted it last time but it is impossible now.

She said that the new guy is better than me and her friends are happy that we broke up. That she lost hope in this rs few months before this because I had been lying to her about quitting social smoking. How she did so much to me and when I said that I did things for her too then she said why am I over glorifying the small amount of things I had done for her and that this new guy is better than me. When I heard about how this new guy is better than me, it cuts deep into my heart.

 

In my defence, I did try to quit for her for a few months but then temptation overcame me and started social smoking again. She caught me a few times and I kept denying it. Yes, on hindsight. This is my fault as I lied to her and I regretted this so much. I was weak, I relapsed and I didn’t dare to tell her about it because I was afraid. Afraid of the consequences, the arguments that will follow after that, the disappointment she will have when she know the truth. It was really my fault for lying to her about this.

 

A week later, she sent me a text about one of our old rs memories and asked me if I remembered it. I said yes and asked why. She then said, oh nothing. An hour later, she said that I will always be her first love. The next morning, I sent her a text saying that I have learnt a lot during this period and will work to become a better man and that maybe I don’t deserve a 2nd chance or I have been given too many chance. That I will be a trustworthy person so she can trust me again. She said shes touched by this gesture but said shes happy with her new guy and hope that I can find my own happiness too.

 

Its been one week since she last text me. During this period of time, I had been reflecting a lot about my own wrong. It was my fault for me to lie to her about my smoking habits and about my past. I know both of us prob did many wrongs to one another but I focused on mine because I didn’t do right in this rs and made mistakes. I guess I really didn’t do enough, didn’t show enough affection to her, little gifts, didn’t pay for her dinners when she wants me to treat her. Yes, we treat each other sometimes, but I guess I didn’t do enough. Looking at her Instagram, she seems to be really happy with the new guy and I guess he had been treating her better than how I treat her.

 

I had been reading up a lot on this forum during this period of time and tried my best to stick to NC. Its funny how after all these, I guess I still loved her a lot despite what happened and how I behaved that night when I break up with her. That night was a terrible mistake, I really felt like a monster, so cold and heartless.

 

Its been 6 weeks and I still have stupid hopes of her coming back but I know if she come back, it will be a uphill task for the both of us. Throughout this 6 weeks, I had been through a rollercoaster of emotions. Self hate, reflection, anger, sadness, indignant over what happened. I really had learnt from this rs and its sad how sometimes we don’t really get 2nd chances with the same person after knowing what we did wrong and how we want to change for the better. It feels like I had became the dumpee and the dumper.

 

So from now onwards, what do I do now?

 

 

 

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I am sorry for this whole wall of text, it was essentially to capture most of the story of what happened in this rs and the emotions involved. Thanks to anyone who finished reading this and understanding my story.

[SooSad33]

the break up word

- this is immature and NOT the solution for anything! If she wants to break off.. then do it! Simple.

 

You need to take care of YOU.

Her in HER emotional state.. threatening suicide.. etc.. is an issue of HERS. Sadly, you can NOT save her or help her...

 

She is toxic...

 

Your quitting smoking is your own decision.. of you can't or dont want to.. no one can make you.

 

The next morning, I sent her a text saying that I have learnt a lot during this period and will work to become a better man and that maybe I don’t deserve a 2nd chance or I have been given too many chance. That I will be a trustworthy person so she can trust me again. She said shes touched by this gesture but said shes happy with her new guy and hope that I can find my own happiness too.

- ok.. time to STOP admitting faults.... trying to convince.. beg.. etc. Keep your dignity in check.

 

By sounds of it.. you have VERY low self-esteem.. and time to work on changing that. This relationship and BU has damaged you.. hope you see that.

 

Don't follow what she does... only makes it worse. Doesnt matter what she is doing now.

 

Breaking up was NOT a mistake... I am sure, in time you will realize you dodged a bullet in this one.

 

Your rollercoaster of emotions is Normal! it's part of grieving.. its okay.

 

As mentioned.. walk away & keep your dignity.... and work on healing.. moving on now.

 

NO expectations. Remian NC

 

Life.. is an exprience. I've been thru a few... sadly just doesnt work

 

One day at a time., tc

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately, she sounds very immature and superficial. You were wise to call her bluff finally. Her repeatedly threatening to break up indicating she has one foot out the door at all times is not a relationship.

 

It sounds like she'll use any drama, trick in the book for attention and to hurt you to get her way and get her revenge. You really don't want a drama brat like this in your life no matter how hot or addictive she is. Go no contact and block her from everything and find some emotionally mature decent girls to date.

How the break-patch pattern is causing me to build up walls and that I can feel myself loving her less she told me that she hooked up with someone on Tinder while she was drunk

[SmileyFace123]

As posters stated before, it sounds like the both of you are insecure with yourselves. Obviously there are reasons why you love her, but she seems to be insecure and neither seems to manage conflict very well.

 

Right now I think the best thing you can do is focus on you. Work on your own issues and insecurities and self esteem. As you said, try to be a better man. The more you do this, the healthier your relationship will be with anyone, her or another woman.

 

If she does come back around make sure that she also has done her part in growing up. This has two sides and she clearly has low self esteem as well.