Lack of interest after break-up, unable to talk to people: have you lived it?

[Sneezing]

First time I post on a forum; I'm not a native speaker so please forgive my mistakes !

 

I recently broke up with my girlfriend. I really idealized her, since I've known her for 10 years before going out with her. I don't feel the need to explain our story in detail, since it is now over and I completely removed her from facebook, snapchat. She dumped me but reappeared a few weeks later, without explicitly telling that she wanted to try again. I refused to see her and told her our relationship was harmful.

 

Now here's the thing: we stayed together for 9 months - after a few months of idyllic love, I saw her writing to her ex (ego-breaking message) but still decided to forgive her. I now regret this decision. I slowly stopped talking and laughing, started sulking and destroying myself, where I should've had some self respect by leaving her.

From June until September (when she dumped me), I've been pretty much silent, lacking interest in everything, unable to start or maintain conversations, yet refused to see the role she played in this. I'm not saying she's responsible of everything... but she could be really emotionally manipulative.

From September until now, I did my best to "let my feelings flow" and "spend time with friends" to "find myself again", and even though my emotions are kinda less self-destructive, I still am silent. It's even worst, since I'm now asking myself questions such as "how did I manage to survive socially until now": I don't remember what I used to talk about, how conversation works...

 

So this is where I need your advice: my problem started during my relationship, probably worsened because of it; now that I'm single again, I'm still having trouble talking. Have you ever lived this situation? Is "time" the solution? As simple as that? I feel like I have to do things, in order to get better.

 

Thank you for reading, every answer is highly appreciated...

 

TL;DR - Saw a message from girlfriend to her ex, should've dumped her but didn't, started becoming completely silent, I am now single but still silent: what can I do?

[nutbrownhare]

This is not at all unusual; it sounds as though you're suffering from mild depression and the relationship had a devastating effect on your self-esteem. It WILL come back. I had a bad breakup a few years ago, and was basically in a state of shock for a few months, but I used the time for personal reflection and growth with the help of a therapist.

 

If your state continues much longer, then think about looking at treatment for depression.

[Edmund Exley]

Never idealize anyone.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this. it's normal to feel down after a breakup. You are doing all the right things. Stay no contact and block her to help healing and moving on.

I refused to see her and told her our relationship was harmful. we stayed together for 9 months

[DancingFool]

Time is the cure, yes, but also doing what you are doing. Going through the motions, making yourself socialize even though you are not feeling it. Making yourself get out and do stuff even though you are not quite interested in that. Just keep at it until one day you wake up and notice that the sun is out and you are actually feeling good and happy.

[ParisPaulette]

Time is the solution and you let yourself grieve for a time, then you get up and force yourself to get out even if it's just a walk and build from there. When you're ready in that stage of "I'm still not over it, but I'm sick of my own company" force yourself to get out then. You'll feel better for it.

 

In the meantime don't compare what you feel against an invisible graph of "what I think I should feel" or it will just be unfair to you and needlessly putting yourself into a bind you don't need to be in.

 

Allow yourself time to heal and to breathe, you'll be okay. With time and NC comes a better understanding of how it all went wrong too.

[Sneezing]

Thank you so much for your answers

I guess everyone's way of grieving differs a bit. In my case I rarely miss her (it's more like I miss the beginning of our relationship, where everything was natural and smooth), and I'm not that depressed when I'm by myself. The hard part is when I'm with people, even close friends: conversation is painful because I struggle to find something to say, and the other one doesn't have the necessary tool to build an interesting conversation from what I give. Do you know what I mean? As if I escaped small talk my entire life, and now I'm trapped with it, since nothing deep crosses my mind.

 

It's so great to read you guys (and girls), but I'm sure you can imagine how frightening this is: as if you once were a chef in a restaurant, able to cook complex dishes, and now you find yourself struggling to cook scrambled eggs. And "time" will almost miraculously heal that. Like... seriously? Time has this power?

[nutbrownhare]

I've been in situations where I found it very difficult to start conversations, everything took a MASSIVE effort - and, for me, the way round it was active listening - really focussing on what other people were saying, and talking about them. If someone else was discussing something, then I'd feed back to them my understanding of what they were saying, ask about whatever it was and generally made sure they were listened to. It stopped me thinking about my own ruminations and troubles and... get this... I heard via a mutual friend that a girl I'd only just met was very keen to get in touch with me because "I was the most interesting person she'd met in ages" !!!!

[rtyu4567]

I find that time too, will help. I also try not to set expectations for myself as to how and when I am, or should be feeling certain emotions or get through certain humps after my break up. From what I have learned, is that it is a process and is different for everyone, but still similar in many ways. Give your self time. It is good that you have an awareness, that's a start. Little by little...........you will get there!

[Sneezing]

I've been in situations where I found it very difficult to start conversations, everything took a MASSIVE effort - and, for me, the way round it was active listening - really focussing on what other people were saying, and talking about them. If someone else was discussing something, then I'd feed back to them my understanding of what they were saying, ask about whatever it was and generally made sure they were listened to. It stopped me thinking about my own ruminations and troubles and... get this... I heard via a mutual friend that a girl I'd only just met was very keen to get in touch with me because "I was the most interesting person she'd met in ages" !!!!

 

I'm using the same technique: I'm counting on the fact that most people don't mind talking a lot, especially about themselves, so I switched my conversational role to "listener, question-asker". I guess that's a natural way of coping, since I absolutely have nothing to say, my ex-gf still occupies most of my mind. How's it going for you know? Did you stay like that, listening without really revealing yourself?

[nutbrownhare]

I'm using the same technique: I'm counting on the fact that most people don't mind talking a lot, especially about themselves, so I switched my conversational role to "listener, question-asker". I guess that's a natural way of coping, since I absolutely have nothing to say, my ex-gf still occupies most of my mind. How's it going for you know? Did you stay like that, listening without really revealing yourself?

 

Many people DO appreciate being listened to, so it's a fine way of coping for the time being. I didn't stay like that - and time worked its magic, as it will if you maintain your NC and don't pull the scabs off your own healing. Getting back to feeling like myself again took a while, but it's a gradual, upward process and is DOES get better.

 

(((HUGS)))