Feeling helpless!!!

[justbnme]

This is my first time posting so bare with me.

 

I'm having an insecurity issue with my boyfriend of almost a year. I've never had this issue.

 

I've been divorced for a couple of years now. My ex was extremely abusive mentally and physically. There was also infidelity on his part several times. And an addiction to porn. It started with just porn and turned into cheating and when the guilt hit him the abuse started. I could go on and on about the horrible things he did.

 

So this is where I'm at now. Amazing boyfriend!! I've never been in a relationship with someone that It also felt like being with your best friend. It's truly an amazing feeling. Only complaint is he's had quite a few problems on getting started and keeping it up. I've never had that happen to me before so secretly I took offense to it the first time for a bit and then just shrugged it off. When it continued to be an issue I started thinking more into it. Shame on me. Is it me? Am I not attractive? Am I not doing it right? What's wrong with me kinda stuff when it would happen. So skip to about the 4th month of our relationship. I go to use his phone and his web browser was filled with porn. I was completely devastated. Not sure why still at this point but knew it hurt. I explained to him the way it made me feel when he was home and doing it knowing my sex drive is way up there. There's other opportunities while he's alone. He told me he wouldn't do it again. Less than a month walked in on him. And the night before was a failed attempt at sex. And then again about a month later and it's been pretty consistent with me walking in or seeing it on his phone. He told me he would never look at it again. (Haha) So here's my question. Any of you ladies ever dealt with something like this before and were able to get over it and make it a non existing issue? And if so do you have any tips?

[Andrina]

Read some articles on addiction to porn. It changes the brain and porn becomes the go-to turn on versus sex with a real live woman. Choose people you don't want to change. That's the secret to relationship happiness. He has the right to be a porn addict and you should walk away because he doesn't meet your needs in the sexual area, which is of utmost importance.

[Edmund Exley]

Have you had any counseling to deal with the issues you went through with your ex?

[DancingFool]

First is this is not you or about you. What you have is a guy who is addicted to porn, a very real thing by the way, and his addiction is wrecking his sex life and ability to perform in real life. Watching some porn and helping himself is kind of a whatever thing. It's only a problem when it affects the real sex life. So that's where your bf is at. Just like with anyone who is addicted, making you promises that he will stop means nothing. That level of addiction takes more than just promises.

 

In your shoes, I'd tell him straight up that it's either our sex life or his porn. He needs to choose and then walk if it continues to be a problem. Again, I'm not talking about him watching porn from time to time, I'm talking about his little hobby wrecking your sex life part. Your clue isn't catching him watching it, it's what's happening in the bedroom between you two. It may be extreme enough that he actually needs counseling to overcome the addiction.

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately you are still reacting to your ex. No relationship will be intact until you put that in the past. Finding porn is not shocking or unusual.

 

It's so sad you are shaming and punishing and snooping on him because of your ex or just your way of being. It sounds like you are not ready to date if everyone in your path gets hammered because of what your ex was like. Your lack of understanding is astounding, it's all about you, yourself and your ex anger.

 

Has he been to a doctor? How old is he? Does he have heath problems? Is he on medication? Does he drink, smoke, do drugs?Have you attempted asking these things rather than punish him for watching porn?

 

Do yourself and this guy a favor and end it. Get into therapy to help yourself recover from your ex rather than paying all the abuse forward like this.

he's had quite a few problems on getting started and keeping it up. go to use his phone and his web browser was filled with porn. Less than a month walked in on him.

[Edmund Exley]

Unfortunately you are still reacting to your ex. No relationship will be intact until you put that in the past. Finding porn is not shocking or unusual.

 

It's so sad you are shaming and punishing and snooping on him because of your ex or just your way of being. It sounds like you are not ready to date if everyone in your path gets hammered because of what your ex was like. Your lack of understanding is astounding, it's all about you, yourself and your ex anger.

 

Has he been to a doctor? How old is he? Does he have heath problems? Is he on medication? Does he drink, smoke, do drugs?Have you attempted asking these things rather than punish him for watching porn?

 

Do yourself and this guy a favor and end it. Get into therapy to help yourself recover from your ex rather than paying all the abuse forward like this.

 

The new boyfriend is doing the same things and has trouble maintaining a sex life.

[ParisPaulette]

I think what's happening here are two different things that have gotten somewhat enmeshed, because you haven't really recovered from the abusive relationship enough to put in strong personal boundaries. And you don't seem to recognize that after the honeymoon period wears off, then is when serious issues with people will often show up. And it's then that you have to ask yourself if it's even worth it to continue or to end things and walk away when major red flags show up, instead of persisting until you end up even worse than where you started from.

 

And I say that, because while porn is all good and fine, I have no issues with it, the fact that this guy is using it in place of a sex life with a live woman he professes to love - you - signals that you've kind of chosen the same type of situation to put yourself back into. Meaning you have a guy you see clear red flags with and yet you're trying to figure out how to make it work, even after he's lied to you, and you are sitting there not getting what you need out of the relationship due to his addiction to porn.

 

You're still in the mode of trying to hold on to a guy even after the red flags show up and you know it's not going to work. And no, shaming him or nagging at him won't fix the issue. Showing him to the door and telling him this just isn't going to work for you, will. It might even wake him up that he needs to go and get therapy for his sexual dysfunction since it's psychological in nature, not medical. But as long as you simply put up with it and take on the role of being his mother nagging the child you will not get a happy relationship.

 

I mean, if you can turn your sex drive off completely I suppose you can be roomies. But why would you do that? Why always place others needs ahead of your own? And this is where you likely need to see a counselor, maybe tell this guy to move out and that you aren't ready for any relationship. And you take the time to be single, get your life together, learn about healthy boundaries you can and should place in relationships, and learn to accept that when major red flags that are a problem or dealbreaker show up you can trust yourself and your ability to be in charge of your own happiness enough to show someone to the door and fine tune your ability to choose better the next time.

[justbnme]

Yes. I've gone through tons of therapy and have come a long ways from where I had been. I'm extremely happy with where I am now mentally.

[justbnme]

I think this post was taken wrong by a couple of people so let me clarify a few things. He was in a long term relationship for 8 years and the last 2 of those they were basically room mates from what his close family told me and from the conversations that we had about previous relationships. He stayed and tried to work it out with for their daughter. Pretty understandable.... So for the past 4 years he's resorted to porn. Like I said in my original post I did the same thing.

 

Yes I have read plenty of articles on porn addiction. And they did open my eyes to why some guys do revert to watching porn. Erectile dysfunction or having stage fright and many other things. It also open my eyes to long term damage it can also cause. He also has ADHD and treats with adderrall which can also cause erection problems.

 

Yes I might slightly be reacting to my exs past actions. I've been to therapy and have worked on these issues. Unfortunately sometimes there's little pieces that are left from past heart break that you are not aware of until entering a new relationship. It's unfortunate. If I didn't have the confidence I do on being over the ex then I wouldn't have stepped back out there or I would have terminated the relationship several months ago if I seen it to be a ticking time bomb and something that I needed to step away from. I've had to recover from far worse with my ex husband so this issue is minuet and it's something I see myself being able to get passed.

 

I never have ever shamed him or snooped. Your opinion of me making this about me and my past anger is silly. Im on this site asking for help so I can approach this matter with delicacy so both parties are completely on the same page. And we can move forward. I've asked all of the appropriate questions and done tons of research. I'm not here to punish him..... It's a touchy and embarrassing topic and yes there might be underlying problems or psychological issues that he himself doesn't know he has. I want him to be able to do it when he pleases. It's my one flaw that I have an issue with. Your never going to find someone that your 100% happy with every single action they make. I can promise you he's extremely happy. But that's for us to judge.....

 

Our relationship has that one gap. He's an outstanding man!!!! The connection between him and I is amazing even after almost a year. We have hobbies and absolutely enjoy spending time with each other. So no I don't feel like this is just something we should throw in the garbage...... I guess what I'm looking for is some positive feedback and some insight on how to approach.

 

Thanks for the responses!

[SophieGrace]

Does he want to change? If so, he is the one who may need therapy. I happen to agree that looking at porn is normal, but if it replaces his ability to have sex with a woman he loves, there may be something deeper at work, and unfortunately there is nothing you can do about that. He is the one who needs to take action steps, and clearly promising never to do it again isn't working. Since you aren't willing to walk away at this stage over this issue, all you can do is encourage him to seek therapy and try to not make it about you. Or you can just accept that this is the way it is and appreciate the things you do value in the relationship.

[Wiseman2]

This is outstanding insight. It's great you are mindful of that. Is he willing to address any physiological causes, such as medication discussions with his doctor? Try that approach rather than the "porn addiction" theory.

He also has ADHD and treats with adderrall which can also cause erection problems. Unfortunately sometimes there's little pieces that are left from past heart break that you are not aware of until entering a new relationship.

[justbnme]

I know it's an embarrassing topic so I want to gather as much info as possible before approaching him.

[Wiseman2]

True. It's really about the ED lack of sex, not necessarily porn on the phone. How old is he? How's his health overall? Obesity? Diabetes? Cardiovascular problems? Alcohol? Street or prescription drug overuse?

I know it's an embarrassing topic so I want to gather as much info as possible before approaching him.

[mustlovedogs]

Absolutely. Don't make him feel like a freak. Just say, "Maybe you're just out of practice or something. Let's just research it and get you a "counter". We'll do this together; you and me".

 

I agree. I'm surprised where some posters took this thread. If it is porn addiction, and it sounds like it could be, I think you're allowed to want to work through it since you care about him.

 

Instead of getting angry, just approach it as you love him and you want to understand how this can be worked through. Ask to research it with him and come up with a joint plan together. I've also heard quick recovery, so this is a reasonable thing to work through with a romantic partner IMO.

[justbnme]

Of course!! I've been in unhealthy relationships so I know most of the red flags to look for. He does mean the world too me. I know our relationship is strong enough to work past this. There have been a lot of really great responses. So I want to thank you guys for taking the time out your day to read this. It has encouraged me and helped me come up with a game plan. I'm hoping I can come back and tell you guys that y'all helped a relationship and friendship move forward and become stronger and lasting.