Determined to get her back! There is much in my favor, help me not mess up!

[ppprmntsprt]

I just want to say thank you in advance for the advice! Here's my situation:

 

I'm 20/F, my ex is 21/F. My ex and I were together for almost 8 months. The first 6 months involved us spending every day together, we barely ever argued, and every day was a blessing. My family and friends love her and vice versa. After summer, she transferred from her local community college to a university about 400 miles north.

 

That’s when things really took a turn for the worst. In the few weeks before she moved, I saw myself starting to become really emotionally abusive. I started pointless arguments just because I was scared and insecure about her leaving. I started turning into someone that I wasn’t: I became insecure, jealous, and needy. My feelings of being replaced by her new friends caused arguments almost every other day. The relationship just wasn’t as strong as it had been. She broke up with me on October 21st (5 days before reaching 8 months together). It was really hard for both of us. She called me crying that day saying that her decision was a really difficult one to come to because of how much she loved me. I offered solutions, I tried to convince her that things would get better.

 

Ultimately, her decision for us to break up was a good one. I started really working on myself, I rediscovered who I was before I started seeing her. I even picked up my old hobbies and even started working out. I had major trust issues, and I've been making leaps and bounds on fixing them since the break-up in just the short time we've been apart.

 

However, in my moments of weakness I would beg for her back or try to contact her. On October 26th, we had a phone conversation and discussed what the other person needed to work on and how to move forward. I tried to text her here and there in the days following, which was a bad idea. I stopped contacting her, but for Veteran’s day weekend it was her first time back home visiting since she moved. I sent her a really positive message on that Saturday, but didn’t get a response until Monday. She said she knows she took a long time to respond, but she wanted to focus on spending quality time with her friends. (Which I can assume meant: she misses me and wanted to respond, but wanted to be in the right frame of mind to have a good time, since it was her first visit home). We had a really good light-hearted conversation. But I made the mistake of not cutting the cord on the exchange sooner.

 

She told me she had a few papers to write, to which I responded that I would be game to edit them if she needed it. She went from being super chatty (and sending longer texts than I was sending) to replying with “Ok thanks” I haven’t contacted her since, knowing that I pushed the conversation on too long. (One of our huge pointless arguments was over paper editing, so I maybe triggered that negative memory). It’s a mistake I have to live with now. She's a very emotionally aloof kind of person, so it's hard for me to tell what stage of healing she's in or if she's even checking up on me. (She has incredible willpower to not look at any of my Snapchat stories or like my Instagram/ Facebook posts). All of her friends still maintain contact with me, and like my posts/view my snap stories/send me funny things from time to time. Her father and I are still in contact as well, and he started crying when I went to return her things to his house. At the time, he mentioned that she wasn't seeing anybody else and really loved me. His rationalization was that the stress of not being home, going to a challenging school, and trying to maintain a stressful relationship took a toll on her and she shut down. So when it comes to the people who are important to her, I know I have an in.

 

I have no clue if she's started seeing/talking to other women, and I don't really like bringing her up when I'm interacting with her friends so as not to make them uncomfortable. Therefore, I haven't asked. She's going to be in town for a short time again for Thanksgiving break, and then she'll be in Arizona visiting distant family. I'm not in any rush to get her back "for the holidays" I just want to start building a cement bridge where I burned a wooden one.

 

It’s been about a month since we’ve broken up, so is it too late in the game to start the whole no contact rule? Or should I continue fostering good rapport with her through text messages?

 

Any other advice would be GREAT in regards to showing her how I've changed, how to approach her after lack of contact, how to use the resources I already have to my advantage.

 

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I'm not looking for advice telling me that an LDR with her won't work. My previous serious relationship was an LDR that lasted 4 years. I only ended it because I no longer wanted to put up with the abusive behavior from that person. I have no doubt in my mind that I can make an LDR work, especially with a woman who is actually worth it and loves me as much as she did/does.

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**TL;DR I messed up a relationship with the love of my life because I was insecure about long-distance. I've healed, identified my problem areas, am working to fix them (fixed about 95% of those issues) and am ready to start working on winning her back despite the long distance. I don't know how long my window of opportunity is, but I want show her how much better I've gotten and eventually win her over again. What's my best course of action (no contact, or re-attraction?)

[limichelle]

Hi,

 

I think you need to go No Contact at this point. There is usually more to somebody breaking up with you then how you treated them out of insecurity. It sounds like she just isn't in the place anymore with you to have a relationship. I know it's not what you want to hear. Take it from somebody who has burned her own bridges with relationships. Once you burn a bridge it's for a reason of your own that made you do it because you were subconsciously not happy, and it was your out so to speak. I know that sounds crazy considering how much you love her but I doubt things were all that rosy. Usually we are insecure for good reasons.

 

I think you need to let her go, because being friends with her even would be hard on you if she were to move on. I would block her on everything so you don't have to see her or read updates on her.

 

There is another woman out there for you. Since you have made strives to change in a healthy way, that will show for your next love.

 

Good luck,

Lisa

[MissCanuck]

Hi,

 

I think you need to go No Contact at this point. There is usually more to somebody breaking up with you then how you treated them out of insecurity. It sounds like she just isn't in the place anymore with you to have a relationship. I know it's not what you want to hear. Take it from somebody who has burned her own bridges with relationships. Once you burn a bridge it's for a reason of your own that made you do it because you were subconsciously not happy, and it was your out so to speak. I know that sounds crazy considering how much you love her but I doubt things were all that rosy. Usually we are insecure for good reasons.

 

I think you need to let her go, because being friends with her even would be hard on you if she were to move on. I would block her on everything so you don't have to see her or read updates on her.

 

There is another woman out there for you. Since you have made strives to change in a healthy way, that will show for your next love.

 

Good luck,

Lisa

 

I very much agree.

 

After reading your post, I don't see anything to suggest that reconciliation is in the cards, OP. Her friends or dad being on your social media is unfortunately irrelevant.

I'm sorry to say, but she doesn't feel the same way anymore and she has moved on.

 

Take the lessons learned in this relationship so you can have a healthier future.

[shiner501]

Your relationship has run its course. I'm sorry to say that but that is the truth. Don't live in denial, waiting for all the pieces to gravitate back together again or else you will be setting yourself up for huge disappointment and upset. There is always a reason behind insecurity - I agree with limichele entirely. You should NOT be insecure in a relationship.

 

Go no contact immediately and put this behind you. Trust us, you will be fine and find someone else.