Pregnant and alone

[strawberry]

Thank you to anyone who takes the time to read this. Im in desperate need of some advice.

 

I am almost 30 weeks pregnant with my second baby and have a 16 month old that I stay at home with and care for full time. My partner (whom Ive been with for 4 years is 6 years younger than me) has been battling with drug addiction since he was 18. He kept this a secret from me until we were dating for a year a half since at the time, he was in recovery. We fell pregnant with our first son after only being together for 2 years. I was hesitant to have a baby with Jack (my partner) since of his up and down behavior in the past but I loved him and really wanted to be a mother so we took on the challenge. Needless to say, it has been a struggle since my son has been born. Jack has never been in recovery long (probably 9 months at most) and in the last year has relapsed 3 times. His relapses only vary from 1 to 2 days before I find out (my mother died of a drug overdose so I know all the warning signs) and then he recommits himself to recovery. During this last year I have done everything I can to keep my emotions in check for my son. Jack and I tried counseling but had to stop because our insurance wouldn't cover it. Jack goes through the same patterns of not going to meetings, relapsing, then recommitting to recovery-always being sorry along the way. Despite all of this, he really has a great connection with our son and goes out of his way regularly to spend quality time with him. Its our relationship thats failing.

 

We fell pregnant again in May (at this point he had been clean for 3 months) and decided to keep the baby. I knew regardless of what happened with Jack, I would make things work out for me and my family. Before becoming pregnant, I was actually making more money than him at a high paying job so I have no problems returning to work if we ended up splitting. Desperate to try and make things work, we tried therapy again, a counseling book of our own and "date nights" to try and spend more one on one time together. All of these efforts failed. My issue is that Jack has never gone out of his way to do anything just for me. He never does anything for me unless I ask him to and its been very stressful dealing with all the addiction up and down and caring fully for a baby and being a present parent. All I feel like is a caretaker. I never feel romance from him ever.

 

Well Ive been trying my best to make things work lately solely due to the fact that we have a son together. I realize that sounds awful but its true. This past Sunday Jack handed me his phone to see an interesting article on a social media app he has. After looking at it, I clicked on his messages icon and I found a message from 6 months ago that read, "I am 25 and in a committed relationship and just had a baby. I would like to have some fun on the side so message me if you're interested." My heart sank. When I approached him about this he told me nothing happened and he sent that message during one of his dark relapse times. Regardless, its wrong and I feel so much resentment for all I have done for him I could die. And now Im pregnant again. I feel so incredibly alone.

 

Im at a place where I need to hear some honest opinions if you think this relationship is worth saving. Im not one to stick things out for children because I watched my parents hate each other as I grew up and that is not the environment Im going to be fostering for my children. I do love Jack deep down but I feel so unloved, unwanted and rejected. I have forgiven him for lying a million times. I have given him chance after chance. He swears Im the only one he wants. "If I wanted to be cheating on you I would have messaged a bunch of other people." This may be true and he may not want to cheat now but what about in 6 months when he feels the urge again?

 

I know either way I will be fine. Im just terrified because Im nearing the end of this pregnancy and I need some solace. All we do is fight and all day I fight back the tears thinking about how betrayed I feel. Please help me. Kindness and honesty appreciated

[Wiseman2]

You could find a wonderful clean honest supportive partner one day if you let go of this.

 

His relationship is with drugs, lying, addiction, etc., not with you or the kids. What you see is a sham and a facade of "trying to stay clean".

 

You know that addicts lead secretive double lives even the good intentions are often lies to manipulate and hang onto willing enablers

 

Sadly, as you know from your mother the trajectory of this will eventually be a morgue slab, not a life-partner or father for your kids.

[abitbroken]

Unfortunately, when someone has an addiction, date nights won't fix it. He needs to go to therapy and he needs to go to rehab and/or be in programs for his addiction. You may have to separate and establish yourself as a single parent in the meantime because he is not clean. Relationship counseling will only go so far. This needs to be treated as an emergency and there will only be breakthroughs when he admits its out of control and commits to his recovery. Because its a chemical addiction he needs more help than you, or the motivation of his kids can provide.

 

also you say

 

We fell pregnant again in May

 

No one "falls pregnant". Why would you not everything you could to not bring children into the world knowing that things were so rocky and he was an addict? (keeping track of your fertile days to avoid the days around your most fertile time plus condoms in addition to that, or even no sex). You don't "fall pregnant" like you were walking down the street minding your own business. DO NOT have a third child. Stop having sex with him immediately.

 

Your priroity is creating a safe environment for your kids. If that means you establish sole custody and allow some visitation until he is a safe person for them - then so be it.

[ThatwasThen]

I think you'd do well to get your own personal therapy with a psychologist proficient in codependency issues.

Perhaps if nothing else, you start attending Codependents Anonymous meetings so that you form strong personal boundaries that you won't let your drug addicted partner to cross and you won't let down for him.

 

I also think that after so many relapses an ultimatum is in order if you're not going to leave him right now in that if he relapses again, you're gone. Get your ducks in a row regarding finances, an affordable place to live and custody ironed out now, because chances are high he'll be high again in no time since he knows he always has you to take him back... that enabling has to stop.

 

Perhaps if it does stop, he'll have hit his rock bottom and he'll actually take his recovery seriously. He needs to experience some negative consequences to his actions.

 

Good luck, you're in a seriously crappy situation where you can make changes in yourself but you'll never be able to change him... that's his job and he's not up for the task as yet.

[Ms Darcy]

I think it was incredibly irresponsible to bring another child into the world with a drug addicted father, let alone two. Please don't have any more children with him.

 

As for this situation? Not sure what to say. You won't believe the truth - that's he's been cheating for a while. But that's not even the worst of it. So, I imagine you will stick around. The least you can do is to make sure your kids are not exposed to drugs as well.

[skiball]

First i have to say strawberry you sound like a great person and wonderful mother. Though also overly trusting and unrealistically optimistic. Right now what you should be asking yourself isn't whats going on with Jack but what's best for me now! That very well might be resuming your career and becoming independent again. Whatever you decide to do make that decision bc its what's best for you. Know also no one's ever truly alone even when we feel we are.