LDR breakup - Do I cancel the plane tickets?

[Window]

Let me preface this by saying me and my ex gf met on a language learning site and despite not looking for romance fell for eachother. We've met maybe 6 - 7 times in person and regardless of the rare annoyances it's generally always been wonderful in person and has made the distance seem insignificant. More importantly though, our relationship began with distance which made it more palatable than if we'd had the perspective from meeting in person and life later getting in the way, from my experience.

 

5 days ago my LDR of 2 years dumped me because she was finding the distance very difficult. My awful sleeping pattern / conflicting timetable made communication hard (my sleeping pattern has actually been improving drastically over the last couple of weeks so I now have lots of free time but obviously it has affected us long-term). The lack of communication meant that we became apathetic and her feelings dwindled. She had a period of intense guilt before we broke up that I learnt about afterwards where she was struggling for a week or so prior to sleep and eat and crying a lot over whether to split, as it was a fairly profound relationship for both of us and not to mention her first proper LTR.

A couple weeks beforehand I had booked tickets to come see her after saving up enough money and I thought it would finally bridge the emotional rift between us that has occasionally existed that had always been just a phase, particularly during long stretches apart. 5 months apart was too much though apparently and the longest we haven't met. We had always managed to endure up until recently.

 

I told her every LDR has rough points and I can't change her mind but I'll always love her, and to message me if she does change her mind but otherwise I have to move on. I remember she messaged me prior saying we could meet up but not be physical; later she asked me through streams of tears whether we would ever meet in person again, I said not as friends.

And I should move on, but I'm torn. Out of all the different relationships I've had, this one was the most worthwhile. This seems like the last attempt I have at salvaging this, if it's possible.

 

The possible outcomes I see are:

* I don't cancel and the time spent together rekindles the fire with the negative association of distance put to the side like previously - we do some serious work on our communication

* I don't cancel but she's dead cold, I have a spectacularly miserable 10 days and probably make a fool of myself

* I cancel and our relationship is dead forever

* I cancel and we maybe get back together down the line but I play no part in initiating

 

Thank you for reading. Maybe I'm being irrational or selfish, if so I'm sorry.

[RayF]

I was in LD for the last three months of my relationship I knew there were issues and I thought once she visisted me we would be smoothed over and set. It just confirmed for her she didn't want to be with me and left me two days after returning home.

 

If she's made this decision it was not overnight, cancel the ticket and save it for a future vacation for yourself.

 

Sucks so much I know you don't want this and are lost without her. I'm literally in the same boat, I feel your pain.

[DancingFool]

What was the end point of this relationship? Did you have some kind of a realistic timeline and a plan for closing the distance permanently or are you just expecting to carry on like this indefinitely.

 

Without a concrete plan to close the distance, the relationship will run its course and end. You can't do an LDR for years and years. Just talking and pen pal type stuff at some point becomes old and boring, thus the reason you both drifted. It became tedious and more like a chore rather than a pleasure. Humans are social animals. We need people in the flesh, the warmth of the touch, companionship, etc. and so, LDR's have an expiration date where either you close the distance or part ways.

[Window]

What was the end point of this relationship? Did you have some kind of a realistic timeline and a plan for closing the distance permanently or are you just expecting to carry on like this indefinitely.

 

Without a concrete plan to close the distance, the relationship will run its course and end. You can't do an LDR for years and years. Just talking and pen pal type stuff at some point becomes old and boring, thus the reason you both drifted. It became tedious and more like a chore rather than a pleasure. Humans are social animals. We need people in the flesh, the warmth of the touch, companionship, etc. and so, LDR's have an expiration date where either you close the distance or part ways.

 

It was 3 years, once we'd both finished undergrad we were gonna move to some place in central europe together.

 

6 months ago she was initially going to move here, about 50 miles away instead of the other side of europe, to study what she wanted and we would've seen eachother 3-4 times a month but she'd changed uni course 2 times already in her country (where it was free); she got a call about 4 days beforehand from my country's student loan company after everything had been arranged (where it isn't free, however there's a few things to cushion the blow) saying she only would receive financial support for her course + 1 potential year and that the two times she had changed course would count towards that. She would've had to take a loan out from a private company for her last year which she couldn't afford. At the same time, she got a letter from the uni in her country that before she met me, she'd always wanted to study at but just fell short of, saying she'd been accepted. Needless to say, it was very rocky for us.

 

Even in between seeing eachother, there were phases of connection and phases of emotional distance and I thought we'd be able to overcome it. I was willing to, at least.

You're right though, it was a longshot from the start. I'm just glad we spent as long together as we did and it was so net positive.

 

I was in LD for the last three months of my relationship I knew there were issues and I thought once she visisted me we would be smoothed over and set. It just confirmed for her she didn't want to be with me and left me two days after returning home.

 

If she's made this decision it was not overnight, cancel the ticket and save it for a future vacation for yourself.

 

Sucks so much I know you don't want this and are lost without her. I'm literally in the same boat, I feel your pain.

 

Man, I'm really sorry to hear that. It's reassuring to know someone else out there is going through the same thing though.

The worst part for me is deciding what I'm going to do with my empty december back in my home town during the time we should've been together.

 

Thanks a lot for giving me some perspective both of you.

[Window]

EDIT: I remembered the traumatic uni experience was much longer ago, more like 14 months, but I can't edit my post so that's that.

 

I just realised my dilemma a little better. If I don't go, the chances of reconciliation are basically zero because the reason we broke up is always reinforced - the cold distance between us. Even if she were to miss me, the negativity is associated with the perspective on the circumstance itself which will likely not change, rather than any personal actions in a hypothetical situation where I had done something wrong that she would resent less and less over time.

 

This seems like the only justifiable and even possible way to keep myself in her orbit, especially as the flights are already booked. Meeting in person always refreshed our perspective on our situation and I don't feel like I lose anything, other than having a potentially awful week if it all goes awry.