He can not commit

[hermosaa]

I met this guy from another continent, in a country where I used to live, over the internet. We chatted for over a year before we finally met. Everything was perfect and we have been seeing each other for several months now (I got a new opportunity and went back for work in the country where he stays). Long story short: I had to go back home because my contract ended and am now again looking for work. We talk a lot over the phone and messages. When we are together communication is very good and we have so much fun together and in my eyes everything is perfect. BUT he seems to not be able to put a label on this. He can't commit. He says that I have to give him time and all that jazz. I feel like I have given him so much time already.

I am basically wondering what I should do. I have told him that this is not fair to me because I have already given him so much time. And that I cannot continue this way and also not just be friends because I have given so much of myself to him and have fallen so hard. I love him so much. What should I do? Should I continue to sit around and wait for him in hope that he will come around and realize that he wants to be with me, or should I give up this quest and cut all contact with him? The latter will hurt so bad because I am so in love with him and I am convinced that this is the person I want to spend the rest of my life with.

[JaggerJim]

You should cut ties, because if he can't put a label on what you too are, and probably isn't prepared to move countries - what's the point?

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately it's hard to commit when you live in different continents.

 

Does he want to move to your country or can you move to his? What where the plans regarding that when you worked in his country?

 

What type of commitment are you looking for? A LDR? Assurances before you move?

We chatted for over a year before we finally met. I got a new opportunity and went back for work in the country where he stays. I had to go back home because my contract ended

[hermosaa]

Unfortunately it's hard to commit when you live in different continents.

 

Does he want to move to your country or can you move to his? What where the plans regarding that when you worked in his country?

 

What type of commitment are you looking for? A LDR? Assurances before you move?

 

First of all I just want to be his girlfriend and have that assurance before I maybe eventually make the move to him. At the moment I feel like it is too risky -- even though I wouldn't mind working and living there.

[Wiseman2]

Consider that he may be right and it may be best for both of you to date locally rather then tie yourselves down in a nebulous indefinite LDR. Perhaps he doesn't want the hassle of sponsoring you/ marrying you if you want to live there anyway?

 

If there is no talk or realistic possibility or actual plans to move and he doesn't even seem enthused about your moving there, it may be best to move on.

At the moment I feel like it is too risky -- even though I wouldn't mind working and living there.

[melancholy123]

A relationship when you live so far apart is very difficult in the best of situations, and yours is not good. You should never ever sit around waiting on someone to decide if they want you or not.

[Roselynn1]

You should never ever sit around waiting on someone to decide if they want you or not.

 

Never ever! Sometimes indecision is a decision.

[ParisPaulette]

You can't force someone else to feel and want what you want. And he doesn't, so this is pretty much a dead-end street and no one is going to tell you how to get someone who won't commit to commit.

 

All you can do is decide when to stop wasting your time and when you will finally accept the person in front of you and what he says versus what you want him to say. You want to be his girlfriend, but all relationships have to be a two-way street meaning both parties want the same thing, or it's not really a relationship or the one you want no matter what you do.

 

Cutting ties when you finally accept it's not working will be pretty much all you can do. And that step is up to you. I'm sorry, I know it sucks, but once they show you who they are and tell you what they want if it doesn't match what you want it's kind of up to you alone as to when you choose to accept it or not. And any resulting hurt that comes out of it.

[katrina1980]

 

I met this guy from another continent, in a country where I used to live, over the internet.

 

We chatted for over a year before we finally met.

 

Everything was perfect and we have been seeing each other for several months now

 

What does this mean .... you have been "seeing each other for several months"?

 

How often to you actually "see" each other? Spend time together, date each other, IN PERSON.

 

Or do you mean "see him" as in "talk to him"?

 

It always baffles me when I read posters say they have been "dating" someone for however many months, then come to find they have never even met!

 

I get you've met in person (once?) and the chemistry was there -- that's good.

 

But sweetie, talking to someone, via phone, text, email, is NOT a relationship nor are you even dating.

 

I am not even sure how to label it, I suppose it's more than a friendship but you are definitely NOT dating.

 

So don't even think about a "relationship" at this point or "boyfriend/girlfriend."

 

Unless there is a plan (mutual) to start visiting each other more often and spending more time together (in person), I would let this one go and start dating local men.

 

It will be hard at first to break the "connection" but trust me you will be much happier in the long term.

[hermosaa]

What does this mean .... you have been "seeing each other for several months"?

 

How often to you actually "see" each other? Spend time together, date each other, IN PERSON.

 

Or do you mean "see him" as in "talk to him"?

 

It always baffles me when I read posters say they have been "dating" someone for however many months, then come to find they have never even met!

 

I get you've met in person (once?) and the chemistry was there -- that's good.

 

But sweetie, talking to someone, via phone, text, email, is NOT a relationship nor are you even dating.

 

I am not even sure how to label it, I suppose it's more than a friendship but you are definitely NOT dating.

 

So don't even think about a "relationship" at this point or "boyfriend/girlfriend."

 

Unless there is a plan (mutual) to start visiting each other more often and spending more time together (in person), I would let this one go and start dating local men.

 

It will be hard at first to break the "connection" but trust me you will be much happier in the long term.

 

 

Sweetie, I said above that I got a job opportunity and moved and worked in his country for 6 months. So yes we were physically together and yes we dated in real life and not only spoke over the internet or via phone.

[abitbroken]

I am basically wondering what I should do. I have told him that this is not fair to me because I have already given him so much time. And that I cannot continue this way and also not just be friends because I have given so much of myself to him and have fallen so hard. I

 

Thats not really a fair thing to say - that he owes you a commitment because of the time you put in.

 

Where does he see himself and where do you see yourself in the next few years - pretending you didn't fall for someone - totally independent from that. Are you firm on staying in your country, are you open to moving to his (and have prospects to do so as far as a job, can legally be there). Is he willing to move to where you live if it even works out for him to legallly be there? If that doesn't match, then you can't reasonably expect a relationship not to fizzle in time.

 

What would I do? Don't pressure him. He will run away if you do. Look at this as a fond memory of a romance abroad with no strings attached. See how your communication goes (don't talk about commitment at all! just how do you relate to eachother) and make plans to see eachother again for a vacation and then honestly look at yourself and what you are willing to do if you were in a relationship with someone abroad.

[JaggerJim]

But he won't even call you his girlfriend, will he?

[jacqm]

I'm male and I have a hard time making the commitment to my girlfriend, who as a result, has withdrawn gradually. Of course, I'm heartbroken and hope things could be the same as before, as I love her. I'm just very afraid of living together and/or marriage because I have been in one before and it led to real pain and a logistical nightmare. Moving in together also means putting up with the other's indiosyncracies, which I guess we do when we really love someone. So does that mean I don't really truly love her? I think I do but I prefer a girlfriend-boyfriend relationship at this stage, until some issues (money, children's schooling etc) are sorted. Moreover, she has constantly pushed me to live together and that also has put me off somewhat. Moreover, I want to absolutely sure it's the right thing, else I could lose what I have left money-wise.

 

It's my perspective. Everyone says I'm wrong and there's no point. My girlfriend (now ex-) had it really good with me as I was supporting her a lot financially, socially, psychologically as did I - she was nice, exciting etc. Yes, money was an issue. Call me selfish but that's the western world. You could say my love is not real. Maybe so but for me it is.

[katrina1980]

Sweetie, I said above that I got a job opportunity and moved and worked in his country for 6 months. So yes we were physically together and yes we dated in real life and not only spoke over the internet or via phone.

 

Okay good, my bad then, apologies.

[MissCanuck]

I think you should consider this done and move on.

 

He doesn't want to be your boyfriend under these circumstances. That's all you need to know.