Should I stay with him? Lies and ex-girlfriends

[amyblack]

Hi everyone,

 

first of all, thank you for taking the time to read this!

 

My boyfriend recently lied to me, and unfortunately I found out. I now don't trust him, have lost any physical attraction to him, but still think he's an amazing person and partner.

 

The lie is a complicated one to explain, so please bear with me. We've been together for almost a year. Recently we had a few disagreements about his relationship with his ex. He claims they're just friends but she relies on him a lot for attention and they go to concerts, dinners, exhibitions alone together once in while. He says that she is his best friend and that there is absolutely no sexual attraction between them.

 

For his birthday, she got concert tickets (for the two of them) for one of his favourite bands. They went together and he didn't tell me anything about it. We spoke on the phone that night (after the concert) and I was under the impression that he had spent the evening at his house, with his housemates.

 

That was on a Sunday. On the Wednesday he tells me that he's going to a concert with his ex. I was fine with it. (Remember I knew nothing about Sunday). On Wednesday I decided to listen to some of the band's music, to get familiar with his tastes, and Spotify tells me that that band is playing in Glasgow on that exact day. We don't live anywhere near Glasgow. There is no way he could have gone to that concert. He lied.

 

I confronted him, and he said that he made up the concert on Wednesday because he felt guilty about no telling me about the one on Sunday.

 

What should I do? Did he feel guilty? Or was he just scared of me finding out from our mutual friends?

 

Should I trust him? What bout his relationship with his ex?

[Edmund Exley]

 

My boyfriend recently lied to me, and unfortunately I found out. I now don't trust him, have lost any physical attraction to him, but still think he's an amazing person and partner.

 

Sounds like you're fooling yourself

[Andrina]

It wouldn't matter which good traits a guy had, if he had a female best friend, even if they were never romantically involved, it would be a deal breaker for me. There's a different dynamic there, and I'd stop dating a guy if he said this was his situation. The fact that he and his best friend are ex-lovers is even far more egregious. If they get along so great and are best friends, why aren't they still together? If you two have a fight, will he be more likely to cry on her shoulder and have it veer towards more?

 

If you're desperate to hang on to him and are willing to accept this nonsense, then know that this other woman might be the third wheel in your relationship for a lifetime. Is this what you want for your one precious life? Your man having a female, who is not you, as a best friend. Picture this: Your future child asks, "Mommy, can you, Daddy and I go eat dinner out tonight?" "No, honey, Daddy is going to the movies with Susie."

 

I chose a man who only hangs out with guy friends. I'm far happier this way. If you'll only be happy with someone if they change, they are not the right person for you. On top of that, if lying to you gets them the life they want without being ed at by a partner, they are showing you how they deal with problems. Expect more of the same in the future.

 

It's time to take the garbage to the sidewalk.

[DancingFool]

.....you've been dating for a year and he goes and spends his b-day with his ex with just the two of them going to a concert.......really?

 

Mmmmyeah.....you are definitely are kidding yourself about this guy and in your shoes, I'd send him packing.

 

This is coming from someone who firmly believes that opposite sex friendships are good and healthy. However, good and healthy means proper boundaries and respecting the relationship. Of which he has done neither with this girl. More like blowing smoke in your face. In this case the respectful thing would have been to include you as his SO in the plans instead of hiding things while he goes off with her.

[amyblack]

Thank you for replying! I get where you're coming from. Although she bought the tickets for him. So he couldn't really include me. Maybe she should've? This was the Sunday after his bday. I was at his bday party on the actual day of his bday.

[Edmund Exley]

Thank you for replying! I get where you're coming from. Although she bought the tickets for him. So he couldn't really include me. Maybe she should've? This was the Sunday after his bday. I was at his bday party on the actual day of his bday.

 

Maybe he shouldnt have accepted.

[amyblack]

She's his best friend. Is it unreasonable to expect him to decline the invitation? (I honestly don't know and am asking for your opinion)

[Edmund Exley]

She's his best friend.

 

Well then you either need to accept that she is going to be in his life or walk away.

[DancingFool]

Maybe he shouldnt have accepted.

 

^This.

 

Either you are totally cool with them hanging out one on one and doing date like stuff together, or talk to him about boundaries and what is and isn't cool to do with his friend or you need to end things with him.

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately he is still dating his "ex". It doesn't sound like she's an "ex". It sounds like they are back together. How did you meet? Were you exclusive?

 

It may be best to end it since you don't trust him, are not attracted to him and most of all he's still with his "ex".

I now don't trust him, have lost any physical attraction to him. He says that she is his best friend and she got concert tickets for the two of them.They went together and he didn't tell me anything about it. We spoke on the phone that night (after the concert) and I was under the impression that he had spent the evening at his house, with his housemates

[j.man]

I get being more secure than others might be, but these boundaries don't seem sustainable for a healthy monogamous relationship, particularly when they involve lying.

 

Yes, it's unreasonable to expect him to decline the request as her being his "best friend" has been an element of the relationship from the beginning. It's something to take or leave. I wouldn't have gotten involved to begin with.

[amyblack]

Thank you j.man. Unfortunately I did not know how close they are until recently. I knew they were friends. But the fact that they are best friends is relatively recent news to me. For the first 6 months I didn't even know they had been in a relationship before being friends.

[Roselynn1]

If it's so innocent, why lie? Since they are just friends, ask him to call her and put it on speaker so you can hear their conversation. If he has nothing to hide, he won't have a problem with this.

[Wiseman2]

This is too invasive and confrontational and to no avail. It's clear he's dating the "ex" and lying about it. What more is there to know or prove?

 

Don't be the psycho jealous gf who needs to confront the supposed other woman. Just walk away with dignity if lying and dating his ex are deal breakers.

ask him to call her and put it on speaker so you can hear their conversation.

[nutbrownhare]

Actually, he's shown you very clearly that you can't trust him.

 

I used to have a partner who was still very friendly with his ex-wife; they'd divorced years before, but they'd known each other since they were teenagers and were obviously just friends. All his contact was above board, no problem with me meeting her - same as any other friend. It didn't bother me at all.

 

However, this is a far cry from the scenario you describe, where he hid the true nature of their relationship from you; if it had all been innocent, there wouldn't have been a need to hide:

But the fact that they are best friends is relatively recent news to me. For the first 6 months I didn't even know they had been in a relationship before being friends.

 

He has the right to see whoever he likes and go out with whoever he likes. You have the right not to hang around while your supposed partner strings along both you and his ex. Wish him well, but take care of yourself and walk away with your head held high.

[Roselynn1]

This is too invasive and confrontational and to no avail. It's clear he's dating the "ex" and lying about it. What more is there to know or prove?

 

It's clear to US not the OP. She still thinks he's "an amazing partner". Some women need proof... We all know he won't make that call and there lies her answer.

[Wiseman2]

Agree that perception makes no sense given the circumstances.

She still thinks he's "an amazing partner".

[ParisPaulette]

My boyfriend recently lied to me, and unfortunately I found out. I now don't trust him, have lost any physical attraction to him

 

Then why on earth are you staying with him???? He's not an amazing anything if he's going to point-blank lie in order to spend time with a "friend" who just happens to be an ex. There is nothing amazing about that.

 

My husband is friends with an ex-girlfriend. They're friends, but not "best" friends and it's always on the up and up. They do art shows together, I trust them, but that's because she is my friend too and hangs out with me and they never hide anything from me. Quite the contrary, she's taken such a liking to me I'm now closer to her than he is. My husband introduced when we were dating and knew it was getting serious, in fact we made it a point to each introduce the other to all our friends both same and opposite sex. He's met my male friends too and hangs out with them just as much if not more than I do and vice versa with his female friends. There are no lies, there are no secrets, there is nothing hidden. We keep it that way, because we've each had exes who didn't do that and we got cheated on, so nope. Either his female friends are just as open to access with you as his male friends or his coworkers or his family are (presumably) or something is very wrong.

 

Have you even met this woman? Does she even know you exist? How did she treat you, is she hostile? Regardless, anyone who lied to me just to spend time with another woman, I don't care what the excuse is - especially given prior to this you never gave him reason to hide it, so exactly what is he doing that he would feel so guilty about that - I would dump him and not look back.

 

Too much drama, an ex "friend" that is inappropriate given that he is hiding time spent with her. I actually do like the idea of "Okay, if it's all innocent then let's call her together, so you can prove to me it's on the up and up." He should be able to do that if she's just a friend anyways plus what you need to realize is his reaction will tell the truth.

 

No, don't be a jealous girlfriend. Be the one that says, "You lied to me when there was no reason to lie, so now if you want to keep me you need to mend my trust. And you do that by first letting me and showing me that she knows about me and is trustworthy. Or we're done."

 

It's called having boundaries and enforcing them and more relationships should do that. You aren't a cool anything when they lie and hang out one-on-one with someone they had no reason to lie about doing so in the first place. Plus if someone doesn't want to be mistrusted they shouldn't act like they're trying to hide things and newsflash, lying about what you're doing and when and where and who with, is a clear red flag of "I cannot be trusted and am doing something behind your back I don't want you to find out about."

 

All he's doing now is showing you how much the ex is still in his life and pushing boundaries to see if he can carry on with both you and her at the same time. It's up to you what you want to do, but staying with a liar will typically only get you more lies. Your call.

[amyblack]

Thank you ParisPaulette. I do know her and she does know I exist. But she's not very nice too me. She has a boyfriend but he lives in another country. I do know that she asks my boyfriend to do things with her all the time and insists when he says that he already has other plans.

 

He did try to compensate for his lie. By inventing another concert so that he could tell me that he went to a concert with her without telling me he lied. Do you think that makes up for anything?

[JaggerJim]

So basically what your saying is, if he tells the truth instead of lies that's acceptable? You don't have a problem with the information as such, just whether it comes in the form of a lie or the truth.

 

Do you think there are other things in that story that are a bigger issue?

[nutbrownhare]

He did try to compensate for his lie. By inventing another concert so that he could tell me that he went to a concert with her without telling me he lied. Do you think that makes up for anything?

 

You mean he compensated for his lie by telling another one? Class act!

 

Have you ever heard the expression "What a tangled web we weave, when first we practise to deceive"?

[amyblack]

Hi JaggerJim

 

Yes, I think my issue is the lie and not so much the ex-girlfriend.

[Longview01]

So this guy is still dating his ex?

[JaggerJim]

Hi JaggerJim

 

Yes, I think my issue is the lie and not so much the ex-girlfriend.

 

Well I think your bigger issue should be the ex-girlfriend and not the lie. Why is him going on outings with her acceptable to you?

[DancingFool]

So.....for the first 6 months of your relationship with him, he lied/withheld information from you about this girl and who exactly she is. Then she is suddenly his bff and he is going out on what amounts to dates with her. Then she supposedly has some guy she is allegedly dating who is conveniently not living in the same country .....so nonexistent for all means and purposes.... and she is jerking your bf around demanding attention, dates, help, companionship any time she wants INCLUDING when he has already told her he has other commitments and he won't tell her to take a hike on any of that.

 

He was lying to you from pretty much day one about her and he is continuing to lie now. If I were you, I'd leave those two to themselves. Your relationship is more like a threesome and not the good kind and the worst part about it is that you are the third wheel in this. Save yourself a lot of heartache and kick him to the curb.

 

Also, if all was so above board, as others have already pointed out, then you would have known what their relationship is from day one. Also, there would be boundaries and he wouldn't be jumping at her beck and call. He is lying to you because he knows perfectly well that his level of involvement with her is completely wrong and wouldn't be acceptable to any sane person.