Great relationship, so what's wrong with me?

[Bellaslost]

I know that there are similar problems to mine on this forum but I just felt the need to share it with someone and ask for unbiased advice. I'm in a great relationship with a perfect man who gives me literally everything I need. He's affectionate, he cares about me, he helps me in all my efforts and he pushes me to develop my career and myself. He gives me stability and the sense of security. I am perfectly aware how hard it is nowadays to find such a person and I appreciate each day we spend together.

And yet about a month ago I met a colleague from work who completely messed with my head. It started at staff get-together in a bar where we actually spent time talking only with each other. We also met twice after work. I know he wants me as he openly told me about his feelings for me. And the problem is I can't stop thinking about him either. What is actually funny is the fact that I don't feel attracted to him. I don't find him handsome at all. So I'm guessing that the reason I feel these thrills is that 1) I've been in a relationship for six years now (it started when I was 18) and I might be missing the emotions one feels flirting with strangers 2) I'm not an English native speaker and he is an American; I'm simply crazy about his accent, and the possibility to flirt in a foreign language (even though I've been learning it for most of my life) simply turns me on; 3) I completely lose control when he looks at me as I see desire in his eyes.

I know it sounds artificial and indeed it is. I feel guilty that I've been seeing this guy behind my boyfriend's back as I would never want my boyfriend to do the same to me. I've been thinking a lot about it and I figured out that if I try to suppress these feelings, I may only make things worse. I thought that letting myself meet him and talk to him freely would help me restore my balance and quench my thirst for more. But after today's meeting I can say it is not the case.

What I'm trying to say is that I know I would never want to be with this guy. But I'm wondering if he isn't a signal that I miss something in my life. I'm terrified that I may experience these feelings over and over again in the course of my life, and I'm only 24. I am in love with my boyfriend and I believe he's the right one for me. The last thing I wanna do is to destroy what we've been building for so long. I just wish sometimes I had met him later so that I had a chance to gain more experience, date more men, get more familiar with these "thrills" that I apparently miss so much now.

Any ideas how to get rid of these superficial emotions that cause such a confusion in my life?

[Wiseman2]

It sounds like you want the comfort and security of the 6 yr relationship but since you were tied down so long and so young you have fear of missing out and are crushing on this coworker.

 

What are you building with your bf? The solution is to stop acting on these feelings and instead reflect on what's really wrong..

I'm wondering if he isn't a signal that I miss something in my life. The last thing I wanna do is to destroy what we've been building for so long.

[Bellaslost]

But what can be wrong? The only thing I miss in this relationship is the excitement of something new. But the problem is that the thrills always fade away with time, don't they? I have no experience as this is my first serious relationship so I can't really tell whether I would feel the same after being for some time with another man.

[Wiseman2]

Agree, once you settle down the thrill mellows. You may want to look at ways to improve the freshness and romance of your current relationship because unless you want a life of flings and cheating, you'll need to learn how to derive excitement within what you have.

But what can be wrong? The only thing I miss in this relationship is the excitement of something new. But the problem is that the thrills always fade away with time, don't they? I have no experience as this is my first serious relationship so I can't really tell whether I would feel the same after being for some time with another man.

[pippy longstocking]

This is very common , you have only known him ..for a few , they will never be with another and I think it is beautiful albeit it wasn't ever for me .. at 18 I was more concerned with spreading the pippy love around then dedicating myself to one man and a home life with someone .

 

I know you are saying he is perfect and you love him ..but deep inside are you still in love with him .. doesn't mean you don't love the man or care or recognise he is a good man ..but... people fall out of love .

 

In any case it was not good to cheat to see if you wanted to scratch that itch .

[SooSad33]

I was with my first ex at your age. We lasted until I was almost 30.

We met when I was 18.

 

I NEVER second guessed my interest within my relationship... or curious about any other men.

 

If you're thinking this way.. maybe you have regrets?? Maybe you love him but NOT ' In love' with him anymore?

 

And I agree.. do NOT go there with this co-worker.. not good.

[Bellaslost]

Thank you for your replies. Just for the record: I did not kiss this guy or do something even worse. We just talked. Which does not mean, naturally, that it wasn't wrong. He just kept telling me that "something is there", that maybe I "missed him before I even met him", some rubbish about fate, etc. But now I know that even though it's tempting to experience these emotions, they are leading me nowhere. I'm just worried that for example in 2,5 10 or 15 years, when things will be even more complicated than now, this will happen again. I sincerely don't want it to but apparently I can't always control my feelings. And I'm just wondering: would I ever have such doubts if I were with another person? Maybe with someone that I was attracted to physically from the very beginning (my boyfriend had to fight for me as I simply did not consider him attractive at first). I really don't know.

[Unreasonable]

Well, you may not be able to control your feelings (maybe), but you most definitely can control your actions. Tell him, thanks, but no thanks, you're taken, and stay away from this guy as much as possible. Don't put yourself in any situation where you would be alone with him.

[Bellaslost]

Completely agree but somehow I find it extremely difficult not to write to him or reply when he writes. Am I missing him? This is ridiculous as I just enjoy talking to him much but I don't find him attractive. I know I have to end this but another problem is that I gave him a reason to fight for me and now, if I say thank you but no, thank you, I will hurt him or even make enemies. I messed it all up.

[Wiseman2]

He didn't "fight for you". He bowed out gracefully because you have a bf. And as such he may not want to be your part-time amusement. If he still wants to be friends after you tried to chase him while in a relationship, see what happens.

another problem is that I gave him a reason to fight for me and now, if I say thank you but no, thank you

[JaggerJim]

He didn't "fight for you". He bowed out gracefully because you have a bf. And as such he may not want to be your part-time amusement. If he still wants to be friends after you tried to chase him while in a relationship, see what happens.

 

I agree. I'm not sure why your chasing him either. You keep saying he is "unattractive". Why do you keep bringing that up?

[Bellaslost]

He didn't bow out. Quite the opposite: he says that the fact that I'm seeing another man while being in a relationship is attractive to him. And still he wants to be in a relationship with me.

Why am I chasing him? If I knew that, perhaps things would be easier. I honestly don't know. He gives me thrills, he brings freshness to my settled way of life. perhaps that's why.

[JaggerJim]

He didn't bow out. Quite the opposite: he says that the fact that I'm seeing another man while being in a relationship is attractive to him. And still he wants to be in a relationship with me.

Why am I chasing him? If I knew that, perhaps things would be easier. I honestly don't know. He gives me thrills, he brings freshness to my settled way of life. perhaps that's why.

 

Yeah, I think you need to change your mind-set a bit. Your in a relationship and your treating this whole thing like a game. Read the bold part.

[Bellaslost]

Maybe I am, can't really tell. The only thing I know is that it's giving me adrenaline that's for sure but on the other hand it makes me so nervous and stressed out (coz a relationship which is very important to me is at stake) that I can hardly eat. I lost weight recently as I sometimes can't even think about eating. I have a feeling that this whole "game" is eating me alive. Is this still a game if it gives me so much pain and confusion?

[JaggerJim]

I think your current relationship is stale and it's time to move on. It sounds like your too scared to be single, but yet you have a new guy waiting right there. Is it because you feel he is unattractive?

[Bellaslost]

JaggerJim, I don't even let such thoughts cross my mind, I mean that my relationship is stale. We have so many plans for our future! Before I met my coworker, everything was great. Well, except for sex life as I rarely feel the drive. And now with this new one... I'm Trying hard not to start thinking about what we could do together in bed.

I really hope this is temporary. That I will finally calm down and everything will go back to normal.

And yes, I may be with my boyfriend because I feel safe and comfortable, but I also know that if I decided to give up on us, it would be hardly possible to find someone who would be able to give me at least half of what this one does. So I can't be so immature and just go for something so superficial. But damn it's strong.

[Wiseman2]

However you are not seeing him, you're chatting and flirting online with an old acquaintance..

 

Agree you got tied down way too young and straight out of mom and pops. And that's not only creating this problem but also the pitfalls of learning to live on your own as adults and taking it out on each other rather than working as a team to divvy up responsibilities.

he says that the fact that I'm seeing another man while being in a relationship is attractive to him. Why am I chasing him? He gives me thrills, he brings freshness to my settled way of life

[Bellaslost]

Thank you all for your advice. I feel surprised that no one tried to judge me but just treated me as a person in trouble who needs support. This is not what I see on forums in my country. Some of them are more serious, some are less serious, but people tend to be very judgmental. I do feel better now.

I'm working on myself and this is the only plan I have so far. So to give myself some time to recognize my feelings, come to terms with them, and let time do what is to be done.