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Should I trust my boyfriend more or is this weird?

hhman

By hhman
in Trust and Relationships

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hhman Rookie

hhman

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So, my boyfriend has many many girl friends. Most of his friends are girls, and I've met them, and I like them. However, I always find myself getting jealous of these girls and resenting my boyfriend for how much time he spends with them, and I know it's not fair to him. I don't think he would cheat on me, but sometimes I feel he crosses the line. I'll give examples.

Before my boyfriend and I started dating, we were friends. I can remember him telling me that he stays friends with his exes in case they ever want to hook up again. He was also semi-dating ("talking"?) my friend's roommate before we began dating. He would always go sleepover at my friend's dorm to stay with this girl. Turns out, the girl didn't want to continue dating him, but they remained friends. I don't trust this girl because I know she has hooked up with her best friend's boyfriend behind her back, but I've always been nice with her. A few weeks ago my boyfriend went to dinner alone with her and didn't tell me. He barely talked to me that night, and then said it was because he didn't feel good. The next day I found out they went to dinner through my friend, and told him that I know there isn't anything between them, but it made me uncomfortable that he was secretive about it, and he said it wouldn't happen again.

His best friend is a girl he told me he hooked up with before. He goes over to dinner at her apartment, and pet sits her cat, etc. She's very nice, and I like her. He once mentioned having a threesome, and then said he wanted her to be the other girl. I turned that idea down because it made me so uncomfortable he thought that way of his friend, and wanted her there.

Two nights ago, at my sorority's semi-formal, he asked me if he could go to another girl's semi formal on Friday. I've met this girl too, and she's nice, but she has bothered me the most out of all of these girls. When we first started dating, I thought my boyfriend was obsessed with her. He always wanted to hang out with her, she's absolutely gorgeous, and extremely popular. Once he turned down a study date with me to study with her. When he asked me we were both drunk, and he lied and said he was going with a girl named bailey, and then an hour later he said it was this girl. We got in a fight about it. Today he said we would talk about it, but he's going even though he knows it bothers me.

I don't want to keep him from hanging out with his friends. My friends say its obvious he loves me and he would never cheat on me. I just feel it's weird. My sister found out he's going to another girl's formal and mentioned it to her own boyfriend, and he said "What is wrong with that guy? That's not okay." I'm also wondering why this girl would ask my boyfriend knowing he has a girlfriend and she's gorgeous and could get any guy she wanted. Any thoughts?

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Wiseman2 Grand Master

Wiseman2

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He lies about going out to dinner with girls. He wants threesomes with hookups he frequently visits and pet sits for. He takes other girls to dances instead of you.

 

Are you dating or fwb? It doesn't sound like you are exclusive or bf/gf. It sounds like he lies a lot and gets around a lot but you seem ok with it. .

my boyfriend went to dinner alone with her and didn't tell me. His best friend is a girl he told me he hooked up with before. He once mentioned having a threesome, and then said he wanted her to be the other girl. Two nights ago, at my sorority's semi-formal, he asked me if he could go to another girl's semi formal on Friday.
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bunzana Apprentice

bunzana

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Why are you putting up with this behavior? Have you ever asked him how he would feel if the situation is reversed and you were going alone on dinner dates with other guys? Does he not have any guy friends he can hang out with? You need to set some boundaries in this relationship. In my opinion you are allowing far too much. The lies, the possible emotional cheating, suggesting threesomes with friends he hangs out with regularly... none of this is ok in a monogamous relationship.

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ParisPaulette Rising Star

ParisPaulette

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I'm sorry, what was the question again? I couldn't read through all the red flags flying? What .part of this guy is a player who asked you to do something sexually with another woman and him when presumably, you're in a monogamous relationship, do you not understand as being a major red flag. And telling you he only stays friends with exes so he can continue to get booty from them

 

WT H?????

 

I would bolt for the door. He told you why he keeps all those women around and it's not for friendship. I mean I have male friends, but I have never slept with any of them and will never sleep with any of them.

 

Any guy dumb enough to ask me for a threesome was single two seconds after that.

 

There is nothing normal about this guy except he likes his harem and is now "easing" you into the idea of being part of the harem and letting him have other women and you too.

 

Notice that threesome didn't involve two guys. Suggest that and see how fast he says no or go do something with a male friend and watch him pitch a fit.

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zeino Apprentice

zeino

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Your friends say it's obvious he loves you. What is your friends' definition of love, your definition of it and this guy's? What are the behaviours you would expect or like to see from a person who loves you as a translation of that feeling into action? Do you think he loves you in the way you would like to be loved? Without anything common here, "love" is meaningless. Even sadists love their objects if you ask them.

 

It's not weird, it's exploitative.

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hhman Rookie

hhman

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Your friends say it's obvious he loves you. What is your friends' definition of love, your definition of it and this guy's? What are the behaviours you would expect or like to see from a person who loves you as a translation of that feeling into action? Do you think he loves you in the way you would like to be loved? Without anything common here, "love" is meaningless. Even sadists love their objects if you ask them.

 

It's not weird, it's exploitative.

 

They say that because when he is around them he talks about me all of the time, and he is very into PDA. Some of his girl friends do say that he talks about me non stop. I'm just never with them when they hang out either.

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Wiseman2 Grand Master

Wiseman2

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Why is he around them all the time rather than you? That's the biggest indicator if he's into you, not hearsay. Read up on players, Lotharios, Casanovas etc. see what behaviors and words they favor.

They say that because when he is around them he talks about me all of the time. Some of his girl friends do say that he talks about me non stop. I'm just never with them when they hang out either.
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zeino Apprentice

zeino

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They say that because when he is around them he talks about me all of the time, and he is very into PDA. Some of his girl friends do say that he talks about me non stop. I'm just never with them when they hang out either.

 

So you are excluded from events with friends (who may be exes that he said can be useful in the future sexually), he cancels your plans to do the same thing with other women and in return, you are offered affirmation by these people that he talks about you a lot. What a ladies man, how wonderful friends!

 

All is so nice and friendly, but you have a problem and are questioning if these are OK. (No wonder why). Of course, the niceness of these friends and their affirmations are passivizing you in the sense that we are taught to fight against bad girls, but with people offering us affirmation?

 

I wonder if these people have seen girlfriends coming and going throughout their harem history.

 

People with narcissistic traits collect "confidante"s around them very commonly. These women can be quite friendly to the girlfriend but that's a façade. Why create trouble. They already know who is preferred. If they were true friends, they would say "Shut your face and spend some time with your girl. What are you doing with us at all?"

 

As for PDA, that is nothing if you are not emotionally satisfied with a person. You can be the judge here. Contrary to the myth, not all dangerous men hide their girlfriend or treat her coldly in public. Many people with narcissistic traits take pride in doing these things. Why? This gives other women the impression that he is a wonderful boyfriend. (So they want him more, this is an investment.) Being taken but wanted is also a boost to the ego. So, it's better to judge this looking at how you feel about this whole situation instead of criteria like PDA. Screw PDA.

 

When you protest this kind of stuff, you run the risk of becoming the "jealous" (and then "crazy") girlfriend who is insecure and who cannot appreciate friendship.

 

Don't buy this bull for a moment. None of these girls doing these with your boyfriend would enjoy it if their boyfriend did this with others. Actually, they may become much angrier than you.

 

The world is full of charming men who do this at the expense of their supposedly nearest and dearest. You need a man who does everything in reverse.

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