Relationships - no friends what to do?

[cdtsilva]

I'm 28. My childhood was a little messed up. My parents wanted to be in full control, I could not go out with friends, when they were out I was locked in a room (I mean it - locked!). I lacked social skills well until the age of 16 and although i went a long way since then, the effects are still visible.

 

At the age of 16 I started to work. Gradually progressed my studies, moved out at 18 and graduated at 28.

 

At 18 I was working full time after completing 12 years of education, just before university, I joined my ex partner with 20 and things went out more or less ok. She was quite a controlling person, so the relationship wasn't the best, but i learned to live with that a bit as I did in my parents house. I started my degree at 24 (work/study) done well, got myself a permanent job offer on completion, at the age of 28.

 

I'm now 29. I find it harder to date nowadays as people are on that age where they are less receptive or in terms of dating and some woman just have issues hence not able to find a partner (drink, money, maturity, etc).

 

I got to know myself over the years. I traveled, tried different things, engaged in a number of activities whilst studying, got myself a decent job, etc.

 

Personality wise I can normally engage with one person in a one to one relationship. I dont feel OK engaging with groups. I feel relatively stressed under such scenario. I am considerate and willing to help others (too much, I get some personal satisfaction from doing so!), just the social department needs some work out, I feel relatively lone and with a sense of having no friends! I'm by no means awkward and I am an educated person.

 

I've leaned that being quiet can sometime impact relationships. After a while people kind of avoid it and its awkward.

 

I lived alone, lived with a partner, lived in some shared places. I find the best arrangement is living with someone (Ideally a partner, but I do pretty well with someone else) and sharing stuff as long as the other person is tidy, clean (not always easy!) and considerate in terms of noise and so on (I'm picky). Despite the fact that I am somewhat reserved I hate to live alone and enjoy interacting with others. Here I kinda feel I would like someone to share the life with me but it always seems there are some more interesting things to do with... other friends instead...

 

I'm guessing there must be a thousand others in similar situations. Any advice on how to best deal with this? is there such a thing as voluntary groups you can go on and talk with people (I don't mean in the sense of dating, rather similar to those initiatives for people that had drinking issues and join to help each-other going trough it)

 

Yes, i tried the typical ones. I volunteered, I went to the gym, I go around. But having no one to make company one gets upset.

 

PS: I hate bars and i don't drink (I do sometimes, but socially like a bear or something more, not in the sense of getting myself drunk)

[Wiseman2]

Can you get a roommate to live with? What about dating? How long have you been divorced?

[katrina1980]

I am kind of like this (you) too so yeah LOTS of us introverts around.

 

I enjoy and do well one-on-one, I can't stand large groups and try to avoid. They give me anxiety attacks! LOL

 

Same with the living situation. Lived alone, with my boyfriend, with family or with a friend.

 

I can also relate to feeling lonely when you have no one to go around and do things with.

 

It seems I have always been in LTRs but I have to say, that even when you're in a LTR, you can still feel lonely believe it or not.

 

I felt that way with my ex. He was gone so much and needed so much "space" I often felt like I DID live alone.

 

Anyway, for me, what changed is that I moved downtown where it was brimming with people, went out and about and made an effort to strike up conversations.

 

It got easier each time. Often times, these convos resulted in my making a new friend(s)!

 

In short, you gotta make the effort to be approachable and friendly.

 

Also are there "meet up" groups in your area? Join one that interests you, whether it be movies, reading, anything that interests you. You will meet lots of people that way and make friends.

 

Most importantly though, try and stay positive! Don't let it bring you down cause people you meet will sense that and it's a bit of a turn off.

 

Do things that make YOU happy! If you remain positive and happy, people will sense that too and it will draw them to you like bees to honey!!

 

Oh and one more thing. Continue with volunteering and also posting on this board!

 

Helping others increases one's own self-esteem and when you have have high self-esteem, watch those doors open!

 

Best of luck!

[cdtsilva]

I've been divorced for a few years.

We had this house sharing arrangement with different rooms. I moved out when my ex finally brought the other guy home.

 

Katrina, I know exactly what you mean. A pointless relationship where your partner doesn't devote any time to yourself is just as bad as being alone. Likely worse. I met a wonderful girl years ago. Sadly I was married, so things never materialized, although she was a damn good friend and we were 100% open with each other.

 

I tried to contact her a few times, but never heard from her again. Its my one and biggest regret in life.

 

I'm currently working in a few different worldwide offices of my company, so I can be living in a particular place for up to 6 months. I normally rent a room and interact with people, no issues there (living alone would drive me nuts). As to go as far as relationships, I'm not exactly sure if my current arrangements would be ideal, although I could likely choose where to settle if I were to find the ideal partner.

 

I guess most of all I kinda need help in the dating department.

I'll be visiting London very soon and have a friend that I asked to take a bunch of photos of myself. Its always hard to show how sociable one is when all I can do is take selfies, despite the fact I am super active and I find it awkward to ask random people do do it (perhaps I need to overcome that)

 

Not many groups here in Denmark. Ill be visiting the US next year, so that may help

 

I'm not sure how to explain this. I have high self-esteem, its just many situations put me off my comfort area, specially in groups, which is where you met most people. I'm lacking that strong harm friend that is there just to give me strength.

 

Other than relationships, I think life is great and I'm very happy with what I achieved. I get p***ed as I wanted someone to share the moment with