Should I try to reach out?

[moodindigo91]

What's up, guys. So I've been slowly but surely filling up my new apartment for 2 weeks now, it's starting to look and feel more like home, and I love to have a safe space to be in.

 

It seems easier to deal with everything when I can separate myself and be in my own apartment. I'm coping much better lately, and it feels great. Since my mind has calmed down a bit, I've been trying to refocus my energy on reading and writing again.

 

Many of you may remember my old neighbor/friend/prior romantic interest whom we will call T. Around 1.5-2 weeks before I moved out, T and I shared some nice moments, he said he'd always be around, yadda yadda. I was really interested in him, but feared he might be a rebound which I desperately didn't want him to be. Regardless, he pulled away and began to avoid me. Finally, I found out a few days after I had moved, that he now has a girlfriend which explains why he pulled away. At first I felt hurt, and kind of annoyed (why couldn't he just tell me?). I realize, though, that he was sort of waiting around for me to make a change that literally came a moment too late, so I can't blame him and I don't.

 

Over the last two weeks, I've been getting closer to a friend of mine, and we sort of agreed to see one another on a no-label-non-committal-NSA type arrangement, it's sort of just like a very intensified version of a friendship. Neither of us want to be in a relationship now or any time in the near future and it's been great to be honest. I think since T was clearly looking for a committed relationship and I'm simply not ready for that yet, I feel better that he's found someone else because I wouldn't have been able to provide for his needs/wants. I do, however, miss him. In a friendly kind of way, for instance, I hear some music that I want to share with him, or some story that might interest him. I would like to maybe see him and sort of reestablish a platonic friendship, I'm just wondering if it's too soon or if I should just let it go all together? Nothing bad happened between us or anything, nothing has soured and no bad words or feelings were exchanged, we just simply lost contact when we both moved. I suppose I just wanted everyone's opinion or advice before I decided to reach out or not. Any thoughts?

[reinventmyself]

You have a new male friend and want to rekindle another?

Are you sure you aren't seeking male attention? It's easy to lie to ourselves fresh out of break up.

 

Wanting to feel wanted and validated is typical but it's also a slippery slope while you are recovering.

How about put that energy into nurturing female friendships for the time being?

 

The timing is pretty suspect, that's all

[moodindigo91]

Nope, I am not wishing to rekindle any feelings with T. Just friendship, what's it matter what gender my friends are? I've got plenty of female friends, too, and I've been spending more time with them as well. I already feel more comfortable living alone and I validate myself pretty happily especially since I began writing again, I think you grossly misunderstood or over-analyzed.

[reinventmyself]

Nope, I am not wishing to rekindle any feelings with T. Just friendship, what's it matter what gender my friends are? I've got plenty of female friends, too, and I've been spending more time with them as well. I already feel more comfortable living alone and I validate myself pretty happily especially since I began writing again, I think you grossly misunderstood or over-analyzed.

 

 

You asked

[moodindigo91]

Very true! I should have put in more details about how I'm reorganizing my life and mind. I'm trying to (re)establish real, lasting friendships with multiple people, female friends included. I've reached out to one of my girlfriends who I was ashamed to talk to while I was with my ex because he was controlling me so much... we are meeting for drinks this week. I'm actually fully booked this week with friend-dates and it feels really great.

[reinventmyself]

Not sure how I grossly overanalyzed it when you post is littered with levels of attraction, hurt feelings, labels, commitments or lack thereof and romantic interests.

[moodindigo91]

I see what you mean. After much thought, I think T was more of a hopeful rebound, but we had a really great friendship, and he's moved on which made me feel like we could be friends again. But from what you are saying, it sounds like it's probably too soon for that. Your objectivity is probably on point, there was too much complication and it's been too short a time.

[Wiseman2]

His gf may not welcome his hanging out with you. Why not try to cultivate something with the new fwb?

Just friendship, what's it matter what gender my friends are?

[DancingFool]

Personally, I think you need to

 

a) reread your OP to yourself

 

b) focus strictly on getting used to living alone, being single and truly enjoying that as you are starting to

 

c) keep far far away from men, NSA, fwb, romantic interest kind of sort, friends turning into something else, etc, etc, etc.

 

Give yourself some real time to clear your mind, clear your life, feel comfortable being solo to the point where you might actually groan and pause and think long and hard if you really need to add this guy or that guy into your life or whether you are better off without them. The unpleasant truth is that you lived with your ex for so long because you are that terrified of living by yourself. So now that you are living by yourself, give yourself a real honest uncomplicated chance to love it and you haven't done it yet and have already jumped into NSA and should I rekindle.... STOP...please for your own sake.....

[boltnrun]

I think his girlfriend might have a problem with you "reaching out".

 

I think it would be better to respect their relationship by NOT "reaching out". And maybe your motivation is completely innocent but it most likely won't be viewed that way by his girlfriend.

 

How about reaching out to people who you haven't ever had romantic interest in?

[pippy longstocking]

I don't think it is very fair of you to contact T when he has a girlfriend ...I would be p1ssed off ..just leave them to it .

[moodindigo91]

Thanks guys, I've already come to the conclusion that it is probably too soon. As far as his girlfriend having an issue, I am pretty sure she doesn't know anything about it, I actually met her, she's really nice. I ran into them at a bar while I was out with my girlfriend. Also... the thing I've got going on is not really a FWB, we don't do anything sexual, like I said, just an intense version of a friendship. I suppose my goal was to reestablish friendships that have eroded, but you guys are right, it's probably best to leave them to it! If he's happy, then I can get satisfaction out of knowing that, and leave it at that.

[boltnrun]

But still, whether she knows or not, it's not respecting their relationship for you to "reach out".

 

I mean, wouldn't you have had a problem with one of your ex's former crushes or whatever "reaching out" to him, and him spending time with her or communicating with her?

 

You may say on here that you wouldn't have minded, but given the dynamics of that relationship I bet it would have bothered you.

 

There are plenty of other people who share your taste in music or whatever. You don't need to be finding excuses to contact this guy.

[pippy longstocking]

Sounds like a plan darling x

 

Your new flat sounds fab by the way , getting it all homely and doing your own thing , you are doing FABULOUS .

[boltnrun]

Just out of curiosity, are you still spending nights with your ex at your former apartment?

[moodindigo91]

But still, whether she knows or not, it's not respecting their relationship for you to "reach out".

 

I mean, wouldn't you have had a problem with one of your ex's former crushes or whatever "reaching out" to him, and him spending time with her or communicating with her?

 

You may say on here that you wouldn't have minded, but given the dynamics of that relationship I bet it would have bothered you.

 

There are plenty of other people who share your taste in music or whatever. You don't need to be finding excuses to contact this guy.

 

True, that's pretty much why I posted on here before doing it, because I knew it was probably a dumb thing to do, and I knew you guys would tell me it was a dumb thing to do.

 

Just out of curiosity, are you still spending nights with your ex at your former apartment?

 

No, but I do still get the dog sometimes. I really prefer my apartment now, I feel uncomfortable in his, and I got a new TV and some new items for my kitchen and bathroom, I'm really feeling it.

[moodindigo91]

Sounds like a plan darling x

 

Your new flat sounds fab by the way , getting it all homely and doing your own thing , you are doing FABULOUS .

 

Thank you! It's filling up slowly, my friend is giving me a bed so I don't have to worry about taking the one at my ex's (which is actually a huge relief) and my parents offered to get me a couch. I'm excited to decorate it! I'm really starting to feel like myself again.

[Fudgie]

I'm glad you're settling into your new apartment?

 

Are you two still "sharing custody" of the dog? How is that going to work out long term? Do you have plans to keep the dog or to give to him permanently?

[pippy longstocking]

Thank you! It's filling up slowly, my friend is giving me a bed so I don't have to worry about taking the one at my ex's (which is actually a huge relief) and my parents offered to get me a couch. I'm excited to decorate it! I'm really starting to feel like myself again.

 

oh it is exciting , and liberating and lovely to read about .

[moodindigo91]

Right now I sort of just take the dog when he is going to be out all night. I don't think it will work long term, I'm thinking of just giving him up entirely.

 

I'm glad you're settling into your new apartment?

 

Are you two still "sharing custody" of the dog? How is that going to work out long term? Do you have plans to keep the dog or to give to him permanently?