Why is she doing this to me?

[ForwardThinker]

I`ll try to make this thread short and sweet, i do not want to bore anyone, just simply need some advice.

We have been together for 4 years, broke up 2 months ago, she is 12 years older than me (with children) and when i entered the relationship i was very immature and didn`t know what real, unconditional love meant. Our relationship has always been very rocky from the very beginning but also very intense and passionate, i have to admit i had unresolved issues that i brought into the relationship, i treated her badly for several reasons ( i did not know how to treat a woman, i had poor experience, i was very young) and she never failed me, not even once, she has been the most loving and caring person i ever met.

She is a brilliant communicator, lover, mother and friend, she has never done anything to hurt me, always been there and she has always ask nothing but love..didn`t ever ask me for any money, anything at all..she is pure expression of uncoditional love.. she has begged me to fix up during the 4 years, even though i tried i always failed ( always had problems with alchool which me me aggressive and short-tempered).

I wasn`t a completely d***k the whole time, we lived together and i`ve always helped around the house, doing the washing up, looking after the children, cooking dinner.. every single day.

I know her feeling had propably changed before she broke the news to me.. and she even told me that she warned me several time, now the situation is unsual because of personal circumstances we still live together...she ended the relationship with me but put it on hold.. saying that she doesn`t know what the future holds, she says the door still open..that she still loves me. I made i drastic change, i joint several courses on the manhood,fatherhood and seeing a therapist. completely went cold turkey and gave up drinking ( i don`t miss it at all and feel way better). Now, even though she said that , she is never at the house...she shows bare intrest in me, never hangs out with me..she is just friendly..i`m planning on moving out..but surely i`m afraid given the amazing woman she is, it would take her less than a second to find an amazing man out there..she only gets into long term relationships and she really wants to settle down..she is doing herself at the moment..thinking about her..we are in good terms but she treats me like a friend..nothing else..even though i changed..

 

She is perfect and i messed up everything..my hope is that even she was to find someone amazing..maybe one day..in 5/10 years time she would come back to me... do you guys think i should let her go.. it hurts so bad.. what would you do?

[SherrySher]

First of all, no one is perfect. It's not possible and I think you're putting her on a pedestal when she is only a human being.

Though most people tend to do this, make the other person out to be so perfect when they've finally lost them. But it isn't true. She has faults no doubt as well.

I think the best thing you can do in this scenario is learn the lesson and move on. Unfortunately you made the changes too late for her, but you've bettered yourself for someone else down the line.

People always have a place in our lives, and sometimes they are only lessons for us to learn so we can be better for the right one who is down the line, and I do believe that this is the case.

You need to let go, not beg, and believe that life is telling you to move on, in order for the right woman to finally come into your life.

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately it sounds like you were not compatible on many levels. Are you working? Did she ask you to move out?

she is 12 years older than me with children. Our relationship has always been very rocky from the very beginning. i treated her badly for several reasons always had problems with alchool which me me aggressive and short-tempered. we still live together .i`m planning on moving out.

[nutbrownhare]

Sometimes people who team up with 'impossible' people (addicts, career criminals etc) actually NEED their partners to be like that in order to have a relationship - even though they will encourage and pressure them to change. This doesn't hold true for everyone, of course, but many age gap relationships have issues around control as a central theme, too, with her being an apparently all-loving, all-giving "mother" while you play the part of a naughty teenager. It's a condition known as codependency.

 

So my guess is that as you started to grow up and mature, you started to lose your appeal. If a key element of your relationship was her begging you to change, then once you DID change, you two would have lost an important - but very unhealthy - means of connecting. Some people will stay in unhappy, dysfunctional relationships for years because they're too scared to leave, or to make themselves well.

 

I am NOT AT ALL suggesting that you revert to the person you used to be. You have shown a great deal of courage, and ironically are in a much better position to choose an appropriate partner than ever before. For the first time, you can now find the right woman, someone who doesn't need you to be a complete loser in order to have a relationship with you.

 

You are probably right in that she'd find someone else very quickly. Another loser, someone she can 'fix'. With healthy relationships, each party accepts the other one exactly as they are, without needing to change them.

 

There's a very good book by Robin Norwood, 'Women who Love Too Much' which has a chapter on what happens when the apparently troubled person in a codependent relationship actually makes the changes which their partner wants them to - and the relationship falls apart. You may be able to download it - worth checking this out.

 

You need to let go, get support for yourself during what will be a very difficult time (temporarily) and let yourself know that all this will pass. Then you will likely be ready for someone much better to come into your life.

 

(((HUGS)))

[moodindigo91]

A few things:

 

1. You guys seem incompatible.

2. You still seem to have a lot to learn about love and relationships, you only went from being a jerk to being obsessed.

3. Unconditional love doesn't exist unless you're a dog, you are a human, you always want to be loved in return, and if you don't feel loved in return you start to lose interest and things become dysfunctional.

4. As SherrySher said, no one is perfect. Keeping her on a pedestal does nothing for you but make you rot in your thoughts of her since it's over.

 

It's great that you made some changes to better yourself and matured a little, this relationship is a great learning experience for you and clearly a turning point in your life, however, I think you are too incompatible to make it work in the future.

[ForwardThinker]

Unfortunately it sounds like you were not compatible on many levels. Are you working? Did she ask you to move out?

 

Yeah she asked for me to move out, but I'm currently unemployed, so she is understand of the situation and has accepted to let me stay until I Don t find a place, but she has said that she doesn't know , that maybe we could get back together, she said she is trying to figure herself out and fix herself...

[Wiseman2]

Since you are staying because you are unemployed and she I letting you it sounds more like a big fight than a breakup. Have you always been a stay at home caretaker?

Yeah she asked for me to move out, but I'm currently unemployed, so she is understand of the situation and has accepted to let me stay

[ForwardThinker]

Since you are staying because you are unemployed and she I letting you it sounds more like a big fight than a breakup. Have you always been a stay at home caretaker?

 

 

No, i had a part time job, i lost my job recently. We do not fight at all we are in really good terms, we talk just like normal friends.