Dating my Ex but she's not very affectionate?

[Swan89]

I'm confused with her behaviour. We dated for a couple of months this time last year and I got friendzoned because of a whole bunch of circumstances that went on at the time. We went NC for a few months, she tried contacting me a few times in between and eventually got sick of me not being her friend so I said I'm only interested in more than friends and starting over. So one night we bumped into each other at the local bar and ended up sleeping together. Since then, we've been 'going with the flow'. I've been playing my cards right, not being needy and listening to her better.

 

We've met up 6 times in the last two weeks, been for drinks, had sex , went for a country drive, etc.

It usually starts out as: hug upon meeting, NO physical contact throughout the date unless I initiate it (I usually pull away because in my mind I'm being pushy and its unwanted.) but at the end of the night, we'll have a prolonged hug and a kiss, she even initiated the kiss on the last date.

 

I don't chase her, she usually messages me first, every day or every other day when she has a lot of studying to do, then I arrange a date accordingly for sometime that week. I was thinking of ramping up the intimacy on the next date, maybe inviting her over for dinner but she's the kind of girl that is very free spirited and a little freaked out by serious relationships because of her last one.

 

I crave for the way things were when we first met but now we know each other its obviously not going to be all fireworks like it was.

I just crave for her to touch me and hold my hand, and most of all, kiss me HELLO. There's always been this strong mutual attraction, at least physically anyway.

 

She shows signs of liking me but there's still doubt in my mind, especially due to the fact that she doesn't seem to ask my anything about myself and interests.

 

Am I imagining problems and being impatient?

[Ms Darcy]

You want a relationship. She wants a fwb situation. I don't think you are on the same page ... or the same book.

[Swan89]

You want a relationship. She wants a fwb situation. I don't think you are on the same page ... or the same book.

 

We became fwb for a very short period after we initially broke up, but she said it made her feel cheap. So I'm not quite sure about that.

She told me things might have worked out If I hadn't done so and so... But she said she's seen change in me and I have, I've made changes so I kind of hoping she's taking a chance on me. I keep hoping that she'll fall in love If we keep doing this and I don't pressure her.

 

ALSO, we haven't discussed what it is we're actually doing, apart from her saying 'lets go with the flow'. When we were FWB she definitely wasn't as keen on me as she is now, we haven't seen each other this regularly in a year. Oh, and we don't always hook up, in fact we hang out with no sex more often than not, which tells me she doesn't want a f-buddy relationship.

[Ms Darcy]

She knows you want a relationship yet she seems minimally interested in you. Whether you call it a fwb or a casual relationship, but she doesn't seem particularly interested from what you present.

[Edmund Exley]

It wasnt circumtances that got you friend zoned. It was her not wanting a relationship with you that got you friendzoned. You are telling yourself stories about this girl and ignoring the real world actions she shows you.

[Wiseman2]

Agree. Downshifting from a relationship to fwb won't bring back any initial infatuation.

 

Also keeping it this haphazard and nebulous will make her back up and be more reserved as well.

So one night we bumped into each other at the local bar and ended up sleeping together. Since then, we've been 'going with the flow'.We've met up 6 times in the last two weeks, been for drinks, had sex.

[SooSad33]

a little freaked out by serious relationships because of her last one

- THIS could be why sh's not as affectionate as YOU would like. Why dont you act out first.. with the kiss Hello?

 

Let me point out.. that most often.. the 2nd round, after your initial BU, the feelings are not the same anymore, due to the negatives of the first break up... emotions, etc... just too much water under the bridge now.

[Swan89]

She knows you want a relationship yet she seems minimally interested in you. Whether you call it a fwb or a casual relationship, but she doesn't seem particularly interested from what you present.

 

Why doesn't she communicate that to me then? Can someone be that cruel when they know the other person wants them and they have no intentions of it going anywhere? That's not nice.

 

If it helps, she still talks to her ex who she broke up with some 18 months ago, their relationship was toxic. It's a weird situation but he's dating someone else, she says good and bad things about him. Maybe I can't compete with him.

[Ms Darcy]

Not everyone has the end goal of a relationship with someone.

[SoulTaker]

but she's the kind of girl that is very free spirited and a little freaked out by serious relationships because of her last one.

 

You're not the one that can break her free spirit. The two of you are not compatible when it comes to being with each other, and she knows it. You can either accept her for what she is, or find someone who wants a relationship.

 

As "Ms Darcy" has stated, you are in a casual situation, whether you like it, or not.