Will he come back?

[Mmmc228]

Hi guys, new here. I'm struggling through a breakup right now. Much of it was my fault and I see that now. My ex broke-up with me on October 28th, two weekends ago. I had gotten too drunk that night and started a fight with him. He ended it the next morning saying that although he wanted to be with me, he didn't think he should because I keep starting fights and getting mad at him for ridiculous reason. Even though I said I'd change. Seriously, I would get mad at him if he didn't text me back fast enough. I ended up texting him that Sunday a long message where I apologized for the way I had acted and that maybe we should take time to work on ourselves - I want to overcome my insecurities so that I don't start fights in my next relationship or future relationship with him. He agreed with me and said "I appreciate you sending me all of this, it means a lot. I have my own issues too so I know how hard it can be to overcome them. I think it would be a good idea for us to kind of work on ourselves and re-evaluate in the future later on. You're an amazing girl, I want you to know that." I responded with "so you'd be willing to talk sometime soon? And not give up on us?" He said "I'm willing to talk, but I need to work on myself right now." I said okay and ended the convo. I really didn't expect to hear from him but then he texted me the following night to have a convo and ended it with "well we didn't talk today so I wanted to say hey before I fell asleep but I'm exhausted so I'm going to sleep, sweet dreams!" Then I didn't hear from him at all for five days... I text him the next Saturday (so one week after BU) and say that I was just checking in to see how his week went, and that I hadn't reached out cause I wanted to give him space. The convo went no where that night, but he was nice and normal and responded very quickly. I felt like crap after.. decided to do no contact. It has been 8 days NC and 2 weeks since BU. I don't know what to do.. I know that I need to resolve my issues and grow so I no longer pick fights out of insecurities, but my thoughts keep turning to him. I've started doing weekly therapy sessions and taking medicine for depression. I've also been sober since we broke up and I am planning on staying sober because it caused issues in my relationships with people. We are still in a relationship on Facebook, he hasn't blocked me on anything, I'm still his twitter picture, and we are best friends on snapchat still even though we haven't snapped since before we broke up. Our relationship was 8 months long and perfect at first until I went back to school in the fall and he stayed at home at his college (one hour distance) that's when my insecurities and fights started... what do you all think I should do? I want to be with him, but I understand he needs space and I need to fix my problems. I kind of lost myself in the relationship. My deepest fear is that he has completely given up on us I know I can change my ways

[reinventmyself]

Unfortunately the only thing you have any control over is yourself. You can't convince him to do anything he isn't already doing.

He may very well have moved on and you need to prepare yourself for that. You should consider deleting all the social media connections in an effort to heal.

If he comes back it will be on his own fruition.

Continue on your path at getting better and stronger. Do so for yourself.

[Kaykayxo]

You just need to respect his space and go about your life. When and if he decides he would like too rebuild your relationship, he will show that. You both agreed you need time apart to work on yourselves, so stick to it.

[Wiseman2]

It's great you ended things nicely ans are both working on yourselves. Don't work on yourself to get him back.

 

Being in therapy and depression pills and sober for two weeks is too soon to tell anything and to be honest it may be best to stay totally relationship-free for a while and reflect and heal.

He ended it the next morning saying that although he wanted to be with me, he didn't think he should because I keep starting fights and getting mad at him for ridiculous reason. I've started doing weekly therapy sessions and taking medicine for depression. I've also been sober since we broke up and I am planning on staying sober because it caused issues in my relationships with people.

[Mmmc228]

Thank you all for the good advice! It's been a lot of up and downs, but I'm continuing with the NC and focusing on myself. I already feel slightly better on my medication and I'm starting to get into old hobbies (reading, working out). The one thing I've learned through all this is that I can't properly love someone unless I love myself. I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. I do not think I would've solved my issues if I was still in a relationship because I was comfortable. Pain is a great motivator for change. I can see us together somewhere down the road, but I'm not going to dwell too much on that hope if I can.

[SmileyFace123]

1) good on you to understand what you did wrong and how you need to fix it. I think there are so many people who just blame the other person and never take a look at themselves and begin to work on their insecurities. Regardless of what happens you will be better off in your life for doing this.

 

2) don't do this for him, do it for you. At first it's going to be for him, but as you work on yourself you'll see that this is really benefitting you more than anyone else.

 

3) there is no way to tell if and when your paths might meet again. Remember that a rushed reconciliation, probably isn't for the best anyways. A couple of therapy sessions probably won't "cure" all your insecurities. A year of working on yourself, new experiences, and growing up might make a big difference. I know that's not what you want to hear, but rarely do you see couples that got back together right away last, bc not enough time has past to truly change as people and heal from the previous damage. If you read the "getting back together really does happen," you'll see that the successful recons happened after time and space occurred.

 

4) I commend you for taking responsibility, but remember he probably wasn't perfect either. So don't hate yourself too much, which I wouldn't be surprised if you were doing.

 

5) read up on anxious attachment and discuss those thoughts with your therapist.

 

6) continue working on yourself and making yourself the best and happiest you, you're doing good.

[Mmmc228]

1) good on you to understand what you did wrong and how you need to fix it. I think there are so many people who just blame the other person and never take a look at themselves and begin to work on their insecurities. Regardless of what happens you will be better off in your life for doing this.

 

2) don't do this for him, do it for you. At first it's going to be for him, but as you work on yourself you'll see that this is really benefitting you more than anyone else.

 

3) there is no way to tell if and when your paths might meet again. Remember that a rushed reconciliation, probably isn't for the best anyways. A couple of therapy sessions probably won't "cure" all your insecurities. A year of working on yourself, new experiences, and growing up might make a big difference. I know that's not what you want to hear, but rarely do you see couples that got back together right away last, bc not enough time has past to truly change as people and heal from the previous damage. If you read the "getting back together really does happen," you'll see that the successful recons happened after time and space occurred.

 

4) I commend you for taking responsibility, but remember he probably wasn't perfect either. So don't hate yourself too much, which I wouldn't be surprised if you were doing.

 

5) read up on anxious attachment and discuss those thoughts with your therapist.

 

6) continue working on yourself and making yourself the best and happiest you, you're doing good.

 

Thank you very much for the response! Yes, you're right, currently it is still slightly for him, but I've already noticed large changes in myself since beginning to work on myself. I feel stronger. And the medication is already making me feel less anxious, which is a plus. Initially, I was really not liking myself and blaming myself for the way I treated him. No one deserves to be doubted constantly and be yelled at constantly when they're doing their best to make me happy - I wish I could have the opportunity to tell him that it wasn't him, it was me (for once that line isn't just a cop out). Yes, he made mistakes too.. like pulling away and maybe not giving me all the positive affirmations that I wanted, but I get it. Sometimes I think about it and wonder if it was poor timing. I'm moving back home in summer of 2017 and there will no longer be distance between us. Plus that will be months and months of time to work on myself, but who knows if he will even want it then

 

I'm keeping up with NC... WHICH SUCKS, cause all I wanna do is text him or hear his voice even though I know it'll break me. You're suggestion about anxious attachment really hits home because I was reading another user's post about it and it sounded a lot like me... Co-dependency also sounds like me. Woah I have a plethora of issues lol.

 

Your words meant a lot. Being 21, I still think I am emotionally immature. All-in-all, I know that this is a learning experience , but I still can't help, but wish that I could have a do-over...

[Mmmc228]

Update 11.22.16

 

Hey guys... I thought I'd let you know what happened because I'm pretty crushed. He texted me today and wanted to meet up to have coffee. I (stupidly) got my hopes up about the situation. We met and it felt like old times. There was great chemistry between us and the convo flowed easily. He then asked me what I thought about is. I told him that maybe we needed more space, but I wanted to take things slow. To be honest, I was just eager to get him back even though i know I'm not ready yet. I asked him what he thought. He said: "I think we need more time but i don't want to use the word space because I don't want you waiting around for me. If we get together in the future I want us to have a whole new relationship" and I was like "but when is that gonna be?" and he told me he didn't know. He said he couldn't give his all in a relationship right now and didn't know why. I told him that I couldn't promise that I wouldn't move on. And he said he knew this. I also told him that he couldn't reach out to me. He said he didn't want us to be "strangers" and wanted to be able to say hi if we saw each other. I told him that I couldn't be his friend and I would be best if we didn't interact in person at all, but I would be civil. I didn't beg or cry in front of him. But I asked him why he had to tell me this in person when we had basically already agreed on it. He said he felt like he had been keeping me in limbo and thought he owed me the decency of telling me face-to-face... But it honestly just brought all of my feelings back and made it harder. I told him that I wished him well and left.

 

I immediately broke down in the car. I am so distraught. I know that my only choice is to commit to NC officially. I took our relationship off of Facebook and unfriended him and his family. I'm not angry. Just immensely sad. And confused about why he even had to meet with me and get my hopes up like that. Your all's kind words would be helpful right now.

[Mmmc228]

Final comment: he also said that he felt like he was pulling away and not all in towards the end of our relationship. So that sucks to hear. But I can't force him or anyone to want to be with me and put in the effort to make it work. I know I NEED to focus on me... but it sucks when the one person you want doesn't want you and is perfectly okay with it. Maybe I noticed him pulling away and that's why I started fights. Or maybe he started pulling away once I started fights. I guess I'll never know... someone give me good advice/reassurance that everything will be okay please!!

 

I wish I could just hate him. But like HOW is he okay with all of this? Does he just not care about me? How can I be balling my eyes out right now and he's just fine and dandy - he had no problem telling me he didn't want me to my face

[SmileyFace123]

Wow are you taking the words from my mouth.

 

Yes you see it all the time, the push/pull. One person pushes too hard, so the other person pulls away. The more they pull away the more the other person pushes. It's a cycle that leaves everyone unhappy. I did the same thing you are not alone.

 

I know what you mean about the one person you want, not wanting you. It's awful. There is no other way to put it than it sucks. That is heartbreak, and it is the worst feeling in the world. Go cry. And cry. And cry.

 

But here's the thing your boyfriend is right, if you want a reconciliation, it does have to be a NEW relationship. Go read all the getting back together really does happen stories. It's honestly what made me feel better. "New" relationships happen after months to years. You said it yourself, you would like a restart, that's not going to happen after 30 days, try more like 3 years. It sucks, but that is the truth. Also ask yourself this, right now you are more attached than ever. You would jump right back onto clinging on times ten, because you would be scared of losing him again. It's not the right frame of mind to start any relationship.

 

Time is what heals all wounds. It will be what heals the damage in the relationship as well as your broken heart. There is nothing else to heal it. I know that's the worst, but it's true. It might take months or years and that is ok. Let yourself be sad and do not feel ashamed to still miss someone and be hurting. Shows you have a big heart and a lot of love.

 

You need to continue working on yourself and moving forward. You're doing good. Even if it's for him, that's ok. Either way you will benefit.

 

One day you will look back on this moment and realize it was all going to be ok and you shouldn't have worried, That might be because you are back with him or because you have found a new love. No one will know what is meant to be. Read posters of people who got back with their ex three years later, bet they didn't think that was going to happen. Or remember this you might find someone new who you love incredibly and who you can now be a better partner for because you learned from your past. However, it's easy to look back and laugh, but in the moment, it SUCKS. So go cry for however long you need to cry and do whatever you need to do cheer yourself up. Go out with friends, work out, take on a new hobby, just try to distract yourself.

 

Realize you are not the only one who made these mistakes. Guess what? I made all the same. Probably worse. I've been the person who got on the floor crying because someone wouldn't spend an extra day with me but instead wanted me to come with his family. And guess what? I talked to so many friends and especially older mentors and they all said the same thing, uhh yeah you're a young girl, that always happens. I was shocked. And if they didn't make those mistakes, they made their own. Everyone has their kinks. Everyone has their "crazy" side. But you know, you are better than 90% of people out there because you FIGURED OUT YOUR MISTAKES AND ARE NOW WORKING VERY HARD TO FIX THEM. most people do not do that. Trust me. They blame someone else and go on with their crazy self and make the same errors either after they get a second shot or when they get in a new relationship.

 

Just accept this. You cannot be in a relationship with him right now. There is no way around it. That doesn't mean it won't ever happen, but today you are not meant to be together. thats hard, but don't let the time you are alone go to waste. There is much to live for. One day when you are in the arms of someone you love, whether it be him or someone new, you will be grateful for the time you worked on yourself, grew, and had wonderful adventures.

 

Yes I basically wrote this to myself.

[Mmmc228]

Smileyface123, I feel like you know EXACTLY what I'm going through. We will eventually discover why this had to happen to us...

 

Perhaps it is a learning experience so that we can take care of the next person better or be prepared to love our exs in a future NEW relationship.

 

We won't know for a while, which is the hard part.

 

No contact has worked wonders to help me focus on myself more and less on him.

 

"One day when you are in the arms of someone you love, whether it be him or someone new, you will be grateful for the time you worked on yourself, grew, and had wonderful new adventures"

This ^^^^

 

Thank you for your post it gave me strength!!!!

[SmileyFace123]

You're doing good Mmmc228.

 

I look at every "tragedy" in my life and look back and realize I was grateful it happened because it opened my eyes to new horizons and helped shaped a better me. And of course.. Everything worked itself in the end some way or another.

 

Once upon a time my ex and I broke up. We dated in high school and when we went to college he dumped me since the long distance was too hard on him. He got another girlfriend very shortly after. I remember being devastated and being depressed my first quarter of school and trying to get him back but feeling like the situation was completely hopeless. Eventually, I decided I needed to just make myself happy. I partied a lot, went on adventures, made millions of new friends, got my first job, internship, threw myself into my studies and extracurriculars. I dated around a bit because it was just nice to have some guys buy me some nice dinners you know?

 

I was kind of falling for another guy finally like a year later (who I wish was available now) when the ex magically showed back up and we got back together for 3 more years. We split months back because of basically the same mistakes you made.

 

Looking back my freshman year of college, was my best year. I grew up so much and I wouldn't be the person I am today nor would I have been able to have been as committed. I also had the most fun, because everything was about me. And then in the end I did still get the guy I wanted.

 

My point is I think things happen for a reason. I look back and wish I could go back to my 18 year old self and say cheer up! Everything is going to be FINE. In the months since we split, I've literally grown into a different person. I have learned so much about myself and become much better through therapy, self help books, self reflection but just through life experience Ive grown into a much more patient, understanding, and compassionate person. I would say it's more through life experience than anything, that I've "grown up."

 

I think when we wish for someone back, we are wishing for the happily ever after. We want to love and be loved. I wish an older version of me could come back and say "smiley (that's not my real name) everything is going to be fine." She could show me my wedding photos to the love of my life, whether that be my ex or someone new and I'd just think yeah why was I so upset. But that's not how life works unfortunately, and it sucks. Cause you're stuck wondering when and where and with whom you're going to find love again. but I just keep reminding myself that it will happen, one way or another and that I just have to use this experience to better myself.

 

And if you're still hoping to reconnect with your ex, just remember that the longer time apart the better the reconciliation if it happens. The fact is that you and I both need to mature. We need to grow into ourselves and the more we do that the better chance we have at a successful relationship with anyone. So it's not something you should or can rush as much as you want to. Believe me I know, when it first happened I thought I was going to die. I was literally in physical pain, but as time goes by you will feel better. Sure you might miss them but youll be able to get through your days and even smile once in awhile

[SmileyFace123]

I also want to make this suggestion because it really helped me heal.

 

When everything happened, I truly hated myself. I looked at my mistakes and was disgusted that I could have done so many hurtful and selfish things. I never meant to be harmful, but I realized how destructive my behavior was. I really had a hard time liking myself.

 

The thing that helped me the most was giving back to others. At first I did it almost as if I was trying to redeem myself to the universe, but I found it so benificial and healing. When you give love to others, you're also in turn giving love to yourself. I think one thing that's hard when you lose someone is you lose the opportunity to love someone, but you can channel that energy towards the millions of other people who need it. You can do nice things for strangers or for your friends. For me I became very involved in volunteer organizations that fed the homeless. It helped me with my self esteem and overall helped me heal and of course I was helping people who needed it.

 

I highly recommend if you're feeling down about yourself, to take this time and see if you can give back to someone else. Be a friend to the lonely and broken-hearted. You will begin to love yourself, through being kind and loving to other people. It's hard to explain but I promise it works.

[Mmmc228]

Hi there again, SmileyFace123... I think that volunteering or helping others would be a brilliant idea! I used to do a great deal of volunteering last year and I also loved myself more then too so there is likely a correlation. I'm sure that commenting and giving people advice on this site has helped you heal too! Also, I sent you a message... wondering if you got it?

 

Something that has helped me a lot is getting a job at a store that I absolutely love. When I'm working I'm actually happy and not thinking about him.

[SmileyFace123]

Yes received and responded