need to talk

[confusedsouls]

its been almost 3 months since my ex ended things and im still heartbroken and confused

 

he broke up with me out of spite (i went out with a friend, he refused to come but went to a club to spite me, then broke up with me bc he felt like i am too much, hes "overwhelmed" and not ready for a relationship after 2 years)

we had a very good relationship overall. spent lots of time together, talked often (even though he did have a communication problem, conveying his feelings about things after a while), we were very playful and loving, it was a special connection, everyone would say. it just felt different. it felt good, it felt right. nothing was forced.

 

i am confused. i cut him off for about 1.5 months, thinking i was better and ok with being friends we rekindled communication and were fine. then he did some strange things..

he always said he was confused, and didn't know what he was doing. he got very jealous when i went out to parties, or just out with friends (even though we were broken up). he would get upset when i didnt come to his events, even though he never reached out to me to invite me (for example, he had his college baseball tryouts and wanted me to come. when we were together i agreed i would go to support him, but once he broke up with me i felt no need to go anymore. we were no longer friends, we weren't even in contact, WHY WOULD I GO ?!)

for my birthday he showed up to my house unannounced with a huge stuffed animal, a card and a balloon. he signed the card with his pet name from our relationship. this was a huge blow-- he had forgotten my birthday last year when we were together (no card, no call, no text, nothing), why would he do this now that we are broken up?

he also took me out to the mall for my birthday. he cuddled up to me in the car, was very flirty and playful when we were there (picking me up and carrying me, play fighting, bumping into me, lots of communication and contact). i tried not to think much of it, but after a while his actions built up and got very confusing.

 

the day after my birthday he takes another girl out to a concert. videos are posted of them together, dancing kissing hugging cuddling. i see this and i cant help but feel enraged. really? another girl already?? after all of this? he broke up with me because he said he wasnt ready for a relationship and didnt want a gf, felt like it was too much for him.

now heres where things get messy. i do have his social media passwords. ive been going on vigorously once we picked up contact-- i just cant seem to stop. its torture it really is! i know that its so unhealthy and wrong of me to do but i just CANT STOP. i might go on a phone cleanse for a month, hopefully this will keep me off of it.

however, he started talking to this girl over instagram soon after him and i broke up. after 2 weeks of them talking through there, they decide to make their relationship public. now let me tell you-- my ex HATES CONTROLLING GIRLS. he hates the possessiveness, the extreme clingyness, and that is EXACTLY what this girl is !!!!

if he doesnt respond to her calls (15 calls in a row), she accuses him of cheating. this happens on a daily basis. she messages him constantly, asking him why hes not talking to her, why he wont respond, who is he talking to???? its crazy. every day she messages him the same thing, "dont be friendly to these es! if i find out ill kill you and them". she posts pictures of memes, saying "if you talk to my man i will slit your throat" and things of this nature. shes a full on control freak. its actually kind of funny to look at what hes getting himself into... just why ???

 

the other day i asked him, have you thought at all about what you want? what is going on? because i am really confused by your actions recently...

and it was the same old thing from him... "im confused, i dont know what i want, i dont know what im doing, etc". i told him i am moving on because i cant keep waiting around for him. he said that if i move on, he will be the one losing. (yeah i know!!!! duh) i told him i cant love him anymore. he said "i get it.."

 

how do i move on??? i still love him with my whole heart. i thought he was the one. he would tell me all the time, that he cant wait to give me his last name, im gonna be the mother of his kids, he would lay with me and pick out names he likes for our future kids, wedding plans, future plans, etc... told me i was his soulmate, his whole world, all the way up until the day he ended things with me!! we did many things together, he helped me mature and grow to levels i couldnt previously achieve. he was my support system through good and bad times. he was, and still is, my best friend in the whole world. i dont understand what went wrong, and why he doesnt even want to try to fix things.

 

hoping to gain some clarity maybe... some sanity. ive gone through therapy but it hasnt seemed to have helped at all yet. one thing i find comforting is talking about my problems with others.

 

i miss him badly. i long for his love again. i long for his companionship, his strength, his love, his attention. it rips my heart out seeing him with another girl, especially so soon i want him back badly but i fear he is gone forever.

 

any help/insight is greatly appreciated. thank you.

 

thanks for reading and bearing with it! not all of the details but tried to get as much in for a general overview as possible.

[fredhal]

I am in the same position as you, I completely understand what you are going through. We need hope that everything will turn out ok, and only time heals our wounds. I know it's really hard but we need to be hopeful.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this. Unfortunately "confused" is often just a broad-based excuse to break up. It sounds like he broke up to play the field but didn't want to state it that way.

 

Go no contact and block him (including creeping his social media). He sounds kinda like a jerk anyway. Get on some dating apps and start meeting/dating guys who are on the same page as you and not "confused".

then broke up with me bc he felt like i am too much, hes "overwhelmed" and not ready for a relationship after 2 years. the day after my birthday he takes another girl out to a concert. videos are posted of them together, dancing kissing hugging cuddling.

[Roselynn1]

Not what you want to hear but you need to forget about him and move on – or at least try to. He doesn’t want or isn’t ready to be with you now – that’s all you need to know. If a man wants you, there will be no confusion – you will know by his actions. And if he doesn’t want you, you will know by his actions. It hurts to think someone you care about and have shared so much with doesn’t want you. Trust me I know how you feel because I’m in the same boat. Mine wasn’t sure that he was ready to be exclusive and I had to cut him off. It’s been five months of being without him and I’m miserable. But you have to try and be strong and try to go on with your life. Stop focusing on him and what he’s doing and definitely stop checking his IG/FB pages. Nothing good will come from that. And it’s not going to help you heal. Also trying to be friends isn’t going to work either. Been there done that. You can’t be friends with someone you care about and want more from – it won’t work. The more you push the more you drive them away. It’s tough but you deserve to be loved and respected and if someone can’t give you that then leave them alone. Certain things you shouldn’t have to compromise on – it’s all or nothing. Don't contact him. You need to take a stand and stick with it. If he really wants you, once he gets his act together and realize what he has lost he will be back.

[confusedsouls]

thanks for all the feedback everyone. it helps hearing feedback. it just sucks because i know i need to move on and get on with my life... just not sure how to! ive tried many different things.

ive tried therapy, working out, joining new classes/activities locally, ive tried both cutting him off and being friends with him, ive tried talking about it, not talking about it, crying (a lot). just doesnt seem to get any easier.

wish we had a handbook, and we had all the answers to everything!

[Roselynn1]

For me reading this site has helped me - a lot. Helps to see what others are going thru and to know that you are not alone and so many others have gone or going thru the same.

You're better than me! I really have to push myself to do things and get out of the house. Going to try and get to the gym everyday this week.

So tired of crying. miss my guy but refuse to compromise my self respect. It's hard but I know staying away from him is the best thing to do.

We'll get thru this!

[confusedsouls]

oh trust me i know! the first 2 months i was okay, but recently ive been spiraling out! not eating or doing much, showering is a chore, fell very behind on schoolwork. its sad. i hate being this consumed by it.

for me, im not sure if i should drop him again or continue being friends. he really is my best friend. being around him makes me happy. no one else can do the same for me as of yet!! ugh

[confusedsouls]

hello all,

 

just an update. so i cut him off for a little while. i told him i need to date and be with someone else, and he was visibily sad but said "i understand your decision."

after that, he messaged me to hang out once and i said no. the next day he sent me a very nice message for the thanksgiving holiday, i just said thank you, you too.

 

i then decided, maybe lets see what he wants. so yesterday we met up, and we hung out. (probably a huge mistake)

i wanted to test him so i started off being very guarded, and i let him do all of the talking. from the moment he saw me he was happy, energetic, and very chatty. he asked me a lot of questions, held good conversation, lots of eye contact and he filled me in on absolutely EVERYTHING possible.

eventually, we made the mistake of hooking up. when i tell you, this was the most passionate sex we have EVER had... it was more passionate than when we were together. i wont go into details but it caught me very offguard.

 

i cant help but think he is just using me because he's lonely! i still love him, but my feelings have greatly faded in the romantic sense. i just feel like i need something new.

i went on his accounts, and this new "girlfriend" of his has been starting stupid fights with him and ignoring his messages, which makes me think he's just lonely. (she is still out of the country).

 

any thoughts or input ?? thank you

[confusedsouls]

also i forgot to mention, while we were hanging out yesterday he was very pushy about making plans to see me again. i told him ill be busy these next few days, but he kept pushing and made plans to see me later in the week ...

[HeartGoesOn]

I'm sorry, but unless he makes it crystal clear that he wants to get back together, this is simply meaningless breadcrumbs. Hanging out, sleeping with him etc, will not seal the deal, he needs to return because he sincerely wants to.

 

At any rate and not to sound harsh, but he'll never respect you until you respect yourself.

[Wiseman2]

One of the things people who break up miss is sex. Ok so brush yourself off and return to it's over and the mission to heal and move on. Backsliding happens. We're human.

eventually, we made the mistake of hooking up. when i tell you, this was the most passionate sex we have EVER had... it was more passionate than when we were together.