Third date cancelled?

[vanilatwilight]

Hi, I originally made this post

 

"Hi I apologise in advance if this is a really long post but I really need advice on this guy..

 

I went out clubbing with my friend about a month ago, long story short a weird guy tried to kiss me and wouldn't let me leave anyway my friend had left with another guy by this point (Andy) and I was a bit creeped out and upset over the guy who was all over me so as soon as he turned away, I left and found my friend sitting outside with Andy and 2 of his friends we were then both invited to their house for a 'party', during the taxi home I met Andy's friend Rob who calmed me down a bit because I was upset and he gave me his jacket to wear. At their house my friend and Andy were cuddling up so me and Rob went to his bedroom and lay there and chatted for at least 4 hours before sleeping (no touching no anything involved), we ended up having A LOT in common we just totally clicked, the next day he drove us home and later that night I sent him a message on facebook and since then we have been texting back and forward

 

During this texting back and forward he ended up ignoring me for 6 days by this point I had just assumed I was getting ghosted but it made no sense because the messages we sent/send each other are always very long messages so we have a lot to talk about all the time, he eventually replied and he apologised for ignoring me. 2 weeks ago I met with him in the same club and we sat down we told each other that we really liked each other and he said he only went because he wanted to bump into me (we were slightly drunk but we had sobered up a bit) he then snogged me and said to me the only reason he didn't do that last time was because I was upset over the other guy and he didn't want to hurt me. Again I went to his house this time we cuddled and slept (nothing else apart from the occasional kiss) he kissed me on the forehead and told me he was being serious about liking me. The next day when we woke up I told him that I didn't just want to meet up with him on a night out I wanted to meet again and he said if we didn't meet he was gonna ask me anyway so we arranged to do something the Wednesday after that night so he messaged me with his number and told me to text him instead

 

On the Wednesday he picked me up from my house and we just chilled at his place and watched a movie, I thought it would be pretty awkward but there was no awkwardness whatsoever I felt totally comfortable around him which is strange for me, we snogged once and cuddled a bit then he drove me home about 6 hours later, before I got out the car he told me he had a good time and I said yeah me too we should do something again if you want to and he said he did want to we then kissed and hugged and he told me that I smelled really nice he also told me my hair was pretty

 

I texted him after this and we have been texting ever since, there is never any sexual conversation between us but I don't know if that's because he seen me when I was upset about the creepy guy he might be scared, and he knows that I'm a virgin. We arranged to meet this Monday but he cancelled on me for something else and said that we can meet on Tuesday instead because he cancelled whatever he was doing, none of us have any plans for what we could do I was waiting on him because if it's not a date I don't want to ruin what we have by suggesting a meal or whatever

 

My problem is I'm really insecure because of the fact everyone ive spoke to in the past just seems to vanish, he does reply fairly slowly (maybe 3-8 times a day) but in a lot of detail like he genuinely spends time and effort writing a message to me, he is really attractive and he could do much better than me, and he's 23 and I'm only 19 I have also ever only had one boyfriend that wasn't even serious. I just don't know what to think, I don't want to waste my time on him because I really like him and the longer I talk to him the more I will like him

 

Just wondering if anyone has any advice on what I should do next or if he even likes me?"

 

 

We had planned to go on a third date tonight but he messaged me and told me he can't make it because he thinks he's ill and he asked me if we can reschedule, is this a genuine excuse or not, if I was to cancel on someone because I didn't like them I wouldn't ask them to reschedule but I dunno

[Wiseman2]

Rescheduling means he's interested in not just blowing you off. See if he contacts you again in a few days to reschedule.

if I was to cancel on someone because I didn't like them I wouldn't ask them to reschedule but I dunno

...same post/thread?...

[IAmFCA]

OP,

 

This is your life and your game to call it how you like. CHOOSE who you want to be with; it isn't just about whether he is choosing you. Whether he told the truth will show itself in time. Right now, who cares? Bottom line is, you have seen him move the schedule around a couple of times. He is not reliable for you. I recommend you pull back, because he is showing himself to be a risky investment, based on what you know so far.

 

Some additional suggestions about how you talk to yourself, below.

 

First: Expect to win. At everything you do. It is hard, I get it. Tell yourself over and over that you WILL win. At the same time, make sure a "win" is something within your control.

 

With respect to this guy, what does winning mean? Does it mean, Getting him to like me? -- No, it doesn't. You have no control over whether he likes you, and also, he is not the standard. Make sure You like you. Behave in a way that you like and respect, a way that you enjoy seeing in yourself.

 

Second: You talk about attractiveness etc and say "he could do much better than me" as if people are products on a shelf. You are a person, same as he. How do you choose your friends? By how much money they have? Whether they have a nice car, a pool for you to use in the summer, or some other benefit? Probably not. You probably choose your friends for their values, their personalities. Same thing applies here, plus the added requirement of sexual attraction. You already know he is attracted to you, and you to him. Now, take it slow and see if you enjoy each other's company and respect each other's values and choices.

 

Third: Take people on their word, and hold them accountable for their actions. He called in sick for date #3. Maybe it is genuine, maybe it isn't. Assume he is sick, because it simplifies your life. No drama. At the same time, adjust how you behave so that it reflects the fact that he changed the schedule for date #2 and called in sick for date #3. Imagine if he were your employee: not so great.

 

Fourth: Trust yourself. It is fair that you don't trust him, because he is a relative stranger. Trust your instincts. If you feel uncomfortable, set your distance from someone far enough that you feel comfortable, and set your pace slow enough that you have time to absorb who they are and how you feel about it. That is your right and your responsibility to yourself.

[IAmFCA]

Rescheduling means he's interested in not just blowing you off. See if he contacts you again in a few days to reschedule....same post/thread?... ]

 

We will know that when he follows up with an alternative. He was flaky for date #2 also. We may never know his level of interest. Things happen. I recommend learning not to care if someone likes you. Just decide if you like them. In this instance, I don't know. I see that you have things in common and also that you want more attention and more reliability. I see that you want his approval.

 

If you didn't want his approval, then it wouldn't matter so much what his intentions are. You do not need his approval. You need someone who does what he says, and with this guy, that remains to be seen.

[vanilatwilight]

Rescheduling means he's interested in not just blowing you off. See if he contacts you again in a few days to reschedule....same post/thread?... ]

 

I told him when I was free as I work 5 nights a week so I'm waiting to see what he says, thanks! Yes same thread

[vanilatwilight]

OP,

 

This is your life and your game to call it how you like. CHOOSE who you want to be with; it isn't just about whether he is choosing you. Whether he told the truth will show itself in time. Right now, who cares? Bottom line is, you have seen him move the schedule around a couple of times. He is not reliable for you. I recommend you pull back, because he is showing himself to be a risky investment, based on what you know so far.

 

Some additional suggestions about how you talk to yourself, below.

 

First: Expect to win. At everything you do. It is hard, I get it. Tell yourself over and over that you WILL win. At the same time, make sure a "win" is something within your control.

 

With respect to this guy, what does winning mean? Does it mean, Getting him to like me? -- No, it doesn't. You have no control over whether he likes you, and also, he is not the standard. Make sure You like you. Behave in a way that you like and respect, a way that you enjoy seeing in yourself.

 

Second: You talk about attractiveness etc and say "he could do much better than me" as if people are products on a shelf. You are a person, same as he. How do you choose your friends? By how much money they have? Whether they have a nice car, a pool for you to use in the summer, or some other benefit? Probably not. You probably choose your friends for their values, their personalities. Same thing applies here, plus the added requirement of sexual attraction. You already know he is attracted to you, and you to him. Now, take it slow and see if you enjoy each other's company and respect each other's values and choices.

 

Third: Take people on their word, and hold them accountable for their actions. He called in sick for date #3. Maybe it is genuine, maybe it isn't. Assume he is sick, because it simplifies your life. No drama. At the same time, adjust how you behave so that it reflects the fact that he changed the schedule for date #2 and called in sick for date #3. Imagine if he were your employee: not so great.

 

Fourth: Trust yourself. It is fair that you don't trust him, because he is a relative stranger. Trust your instincts. If you feel uncomfortable, set your distance from someone far enough that you feel comfortable, and set your pace slow enough that you have time to absorb who they are and how you feel about it. That is your right and your responsibility to yourself.

 

I totally forgot he moved the schedule the first time until I reread my post

 

Thank you so much for the advice it's really appreciated I don't trust most guys because they've all let me down after so long I just assumed he was different

[vanilatwilight]

We will know that when he follows up with an alternative. He was flaky for date #2 also. We may never know his level of interest. Things happen. I recommend learning not to care if someone likes you. Just decide if you like them. In this instance, I don't know. I see that you have things in common and also that you want more attention and more reliability. I see that you want his approval.

 

If you didn't want his approval, then it wouldn't matter so much what his intentions are. You do not need his approval. You need someone who does what he says, and with this guy, that remains to be seen.

 

I definitely like him and I feel like we totally clicked but I'm really not sure how he feels now, I forgot about him rescheduling date 2 because he said to me about Tuesday instead this time he hasn't made any new plans he's just asked me if I want to make new plans

- thanks for the help!

[JaggerJim]

I think your friend is pretty crappy leaving you alone in a club with creeps trying to kiss you. Why did she do that?

[vanilatwilight]

I think your friend is pretty crappy leaving you alone in a club with creeps trying to kiss you. Why did she do that?

 

Good point😂 She does it most nights hahaha

[HeartGoesOn]

Unless I'm missing something, I'm unable to see how this can be called "dating." As of now it appears that you've spent time together at his home talking and sleeping, rather than going on actual dates. BTW, I'd be careful with going to a strangers home directly after meeting them in a club...just some food for thought.

 

At any rate, I wouldn't place any bets on this going anywhere.

[vanilatwilight]

Unless I'm missing something, I'm unable to see how this can be called "dating." As of now it appears that you've spent time together at his home talking and sleeping, rather than going on actual dates. BTW, I'd be careful with going to a strangers home directly after meeting them in a club...just some food for thought.

 

At any rate, I wouldn't place any bets on this going anywhere.

 

We went On a date last Tuesday, I only went to his home because I didn't want my friend to go by herself, I really shouldn't have went though

Thanks for the help!

[IAmFCA]

I totally forgot he moved the schedule the first time until I reread my post

 

Thank you so much for the advice it's really appreciated I don't trust most guys because they've all let me down after so long I just assumed he was different

 

"... they've all let me down..."

 

How can you restate this in such a way that you recognize the control that you had over past events? We never ever control other people, their actions, their thoughts. We do control our own actions and thoughts, including whether we choose to cede that control to someone else. You are responsible for your own choices, so if you choose to follow someone else's lead, that is still a choice you made and for which you are responsible. After the possible hit to your ego, you may find yourself feeling a lot less vulnerable, because you will see how you can choose not to follow -- and if you do follow, to recognize what an honor it is that you bestow upon someone else by accepting their leadership. Better to follow yourself until someone has earned that privilege.

 

When you follow your own desires into a relationship with a guy who isn't your best match, it is only you whose path you need to reverse. Much easier to reverse your course without having to blame someone else, carry around those negative feelings, etc.