I really think I’ll never find someone better. Need help and advice. Please!

[RayF]

I’m 32, after leaving a 5 year relationship where I knew I could not commit to the person I was with, I got myself up to a place where I felt balanced, but disgruntled at the lack of people really wanting to connect in NYC. It’s a brutal place. 1 Year ago met a girl at work who was a transplant from France, who indirectly reported to me, a situation I told myself I’d never pursue.

 

But I did, and she turned out to be the most amazing woman I’ve ever been with. One concerning factor was that she was 9 years younger than me at 23 but I could feel the difference in her, it could have been her enthusiastic age free of baggage or beaten up by NYC. But her intellectual and emotional maturity blew my mind, as was her openness, kindness and so much more had me fall in love with her hard. It was almost magical. We had so much in common, the same profession and interests. I’ve never met a woman with the same interests as me, both graphic designers. We connected over fashion, art, photography design, we would paint together. We could talk about anything. Our sexual chemistry was nothing like I could have even imagined. I didn’t know this was possible.

 

Her exuberance made her move fast; by 4 months we told echother I love you. She would tell me she wanted to get married some day and wanted to be with me forever. I was so afraid and so skeptical of marriage, living together and children (a big issue with me) but this young woman I had zero fear with. I felt she was the one.

 

She wanted to move in with me after 5 months and though I was not ready I wanted to try. This is when things turned. Aside from my general fears I went though a professional crisis, which stressed me out beyond belief. Coupled with the fact she quit work and was waiting for a visa to stay in the country. I was stressed; she was worried if she would stay. And my worst came out. I would be super irritable, closed off. I did not make her feel welcome and took her for granted a little.

 

She told me one day in June that she had issues with me, she had doubts and thought our lifestyles differed. That she thought I was too dark at times and that she wanted more lightness, fun, people around, she nitpicked part of how I dressed. She thought living together just was not fun and comfortable to her.

 

I knew I turned her off with my behavior listened and smartened up. I changed my attitude, and many other things and convinced her to stay and she thought things were going better. Then her visa fell through and it got so much worse. We decided to do long distance until she could come back in 10 months.

 

I went to Paris, one more big blow out and she had the same issues. But she stayed. I committed even more to change. I really wanted to change, for her and for me. She never asked me to, in fact stated that she didn’t want me to change for her but I could not bear to lose this girl.

 

A week ago before she came to visit me in NY I accidently stumbled upon her facebook page logged into my computer. Somewhat ashamed of what I did I red her messages. I found out she still had her doubts and was also thinking of her ex. This crushed me.

 

The trip was mixed, sometimes as good as ever but she was distant and irritable. I tried hard to be on my best foot but she was different. I questioned indirectly about talking to the ex but she lied. I know she never lied to me before.

 

She left, I saw on Facebook to her friend she was going to break up with me. I also saw she lied and she was talking to her ex. I called her out on it and she told me that since the big fight in June she has been distancing herself. But terrified to leave me because she loves me and does not want to lose me and our love is real but still believes we are different in the ways she sated back in June, does to see a future with me. Not sure I’m the love of her life. Has to leave.

 

 

I tried to convince her to stay and that these are things that can be worked on but she said she is too young, cant put in the effort especially over long distance and think that she can; find a better match. I told her I would be willing to always compromise, the truth is the thinks she wants are things I want to improve about myself anyways. I really mean that.

 

I confronted over the ex after first denying, she admitted she lied about not speaking to him and even though she sent him an “I miss speaking with you” message today she swears up and down she never lied to me before, it was so that I would not think she was leaving me for him, and was devastated I’d leave thinking she was a liar. That she was looking to ask the ex boyfriend if she had issues as a person, looking for introspection with someone who knew her romantically. She swears she was not looking to springboard to him, I somewhat believe her but am somewhat skeptical too. This hurt and she knew it and felt absolutely terrible.

 

 

But she left. I’m frustrated that she threw away this insane connection with a good person who loved her and would adapt to her needs because she just feels that that probably exists on it’s own. I believe that noting is perfect but people who are willing to put work in is where it works. We had such a special foundation and she agrees our love was real and strong.

 

But aside from some fighting I treated her like gold, but not a pushover was still firm, honest... supported her. Loved her, cherished her. And she really did the same. She really treated me well.

 

 

I put to much pressure on this girl I know it I pushed her for making dates to see eathother, even mentioned proposal when she was full of doubt. She is young. I think I ed a lot of things up.

 

I told her there was an olive branch if she wanted to reach out and to use it only if she wants to give us another chance. She told me leaving me was the hardest thing she ever did she cherishes our love and am happy we met each other. No man ever loved her or was better to her than I was and she does not know if anyone else could be. Angrily I told her I wish I had never met her. I know that was wrong but I am hurting and she has all the control.

 

And Even though I don’t kow if she will ever change her mind (she probably won’t right?)

 

The main thing is seriously how how how could I ever find someone who connected with me so well. I just don’t see how that’s possible, the passion, and the connection. I honestly feel like this kind of thing could only come around once in a lifetime. I’m not a kid; I’ve had many relationships. I know there are a lot of fish in the sea. But this girl was my one.

 

She got me to open up a part of my self I never wanted to unless for the right person. I feel stupid, rejected, afraid and devastated. It hurts like nothing I’ve had before. Even my first love at 18. I thought this girl was the one I'd be with forever.

 

Sorry so long, if you read this and can offer me any thoughts and advice I appreciate it more than you could ever know

[charity]

Hi Ray,

 

I get the feeling that you two simply were not a match. What you guys had, it seems to me was a whirlwind romance. You moved way too fast and by 5 months the cracks started to appear. Since then you've spent the relationship trying to change yourself. It only lasted as long as it did because it went long distance which in my opinion can preserve a relationship longer then living together would. I don't doubt your feelings for her, nor her's for you. It sounds like you both really care and respect each other. But it's not a match, not an equal match because you need to change yourself in order for it to work. Sometimes people can treat each other welL and really like each other but it still doesn't mean that's the 'one'. The personalities have to compliment each other, bring out the best. I'm sorry.

[RayF]

Thanks charity, I really appreciate you taking the time to read and comment.

 

What you are saying is exactly what she is saying. But it kills me because I have so much regret, personal and circumstantial. Us living together came at the worst time. I'm partly to blame I was really inattentive to her and was totally being tortured at work. I didn't handle the stress well. But also I had not done that before. I was odd and protective of my space, I made her feel like a stranger. It breaks my heart so much to think I did that to her. She never got to see how it would have been so much different if she did not have to move.

 

She taught me a lot about what I need to do to be able to share a space, both living and myself with someone. I really feel I won't make those mistakes again. I have changed for the better of that. I don't resent her for making me change. I wish she would see that but she believes I could never really change who I am just some of my actions. I feel her personality eventually brought out the best in me, and change. But I know i brought her down. How this could be so one sided is really killing me.

 

And while I won't make that mistake with another person. I truly do not see how I will find anyone that compares to her I have not met a person like that 32 years on earth. I know that's self fulfilling prophecy talk, but it is true.

 

 

[charity]

I know exactly what you mean Ray, I really believe that the hardest relationships to walk away from are the ones that we know we only have ourselves to blame...it's a bitter pill to swallow. BUT chances are that it wouldn't have worked anyway. You having a dark side is something she couldn't handle. You will always have a dark side. It's part of who you are. But lots of people are like that. And some people will handle it, some won't. It's really good that she made you think and improve yourself but eventually you just have to be loved as you are.She know that, and that's why she let you go. I think that because she made you really look at yourself and change you see her as the 'better' person somehow. But honestly the better person for you is someone who doesn't need you to change so much.

[MissCanuck]

What do you mean when you say you have a dark side, OP?

 

That stood out to me because a man I once dated and loved very much could be described the same way. He was a genuinely good person but had a tendency toward closing himself off and pushing me away. There was only so much of that I could take. It's emotionally draining for the person on the receiving end.

 

Having said that, I agree with the other poster that this relationship moved way too fast. Those types of couplings tend to burn out quickly too, as the foundation isn't stable enough. There is a reason why the old adage tells us that slow and steady wins the race.

[Ms Darcy]

To be honest, the most passionate relationships are usually the shortest ones. Chemistry does not compatibility make.

 

I agree with Charity that you are nostalgic about the first 4 months. Things went downhill from there.

 

I'd say just give yourself time to heal and consider seeing a therapist if you feel like you need to work on commitment issues.

[RayF]

Miss Canuck, I'm probably a lot like your ex in that way. My now Ex made me realize that and what it did wrong. I was so selfishly wrapped in my own stress and pain I completely took her interest in me and caring for me for granted, and didn't think about her during that. It kills me every day when I think about that. I swear to god after she told me about that I never let that happen again and if I slipped I apologized right away and opened up. It was just to late and she said it left irriversable marks on her.

 

ms Darcy,

 

I know you are right that the passion propelled this to move incredibly fast. And while the first four months were all amazing and the problems started after I don't think any relationship is free of problems. I wanted to work hard to make this work, she opened up to me trying but I had already lost her.

 

The first four months were the most carefree, but the stress of the future loomed soon after when she realized she would have to make quick moves to stay in the country, she moved in my job fell apart, she didn't get the visa, we talked way too much about the future too soon and I put a ton of pressure on her and she is very young. I just wish she'd look past the ty circumstances and think about how we were set up to fail.

 

There were things of her I was critical off too but it was mostly her that made me look at myself. I really tried to change and fix these things but the incompatibility may have been more on her end she said it's not what I do but who I am as a person and she felt she needed someone more social, light and fun. I really tried to do those things too, maybe it's just because I'm not in her head and can't really see and maybe she did stop being attracted to me in that way but I told her she never opened her heart to me adjusting myself, she says she did the opposite and she wanted to feel it was all ok because she loved me but could never get there.

 

im not a hundred percent secure person but I've made a lot of progress, the problem is that I'm not strong enough to go through this. I have to admit I woke up wishing my life was over this morning.

[RayF]

When she left she told me she loved me and didn't want to lose me and was afraid to let me go but knew she did not see a future with me, figured there had to be a better match that requires less work out there, she's young and still has time and got a lot to go through, and knew it was unfair to me to keep me if she knew there was no future.

 

She knows i thought she was the love of my life and she knew she wasn't sure that I was hers.

 

In a case like this would she ever even consider coming back?

 

There is a side of me that feels even tier because there is the fact that time is on her side more than mine. I'm not old but at 32 I've only met one girl who blew my mind. I don't see how that could ever happen again.

[Ms Darcy]

When she left she told me she loved me and didn't want to lose me and was afraid to let me go but knew she did not see a future with me, figured there had to be a better match that requires less work out there, she's young and still has time and got a lot to go through, and knew it was unfair to me to keep me if she knew there was no future.

 

She knows i thought she was the love of my life and she knew she wasn't sure that I was hers.

 

In a case like this would she ever even consider coming back?

 

There is a side of me that feels even tier because there is the fact that time is on her side more than mine. I'm not old but at 32 I've only met one girl who blew my mind. I don't see how that could ever happen again.

 

You guys are in different stages of life. So, it's definitely normal for her life to spend some years growing before wanting to settle down.

 

Compatibility is a matter of perception. If she doesn't perceive you as the love of her life, you are not. It's just something that you feel in the depth of your heart. And it's not there for her.

 

But again, I don't think a girl who "blows your mind" is necessarily a lasting-type of relationship.

[RayF]

i definitely know that her age and her general perception of compatibility as far as it goes with me are difficult factors to justify there was any merit to continue the relationship.

 

And by the same token I could say that the fact she is not wanting to be with me is reason enough to know this should not have continued, like she said.

 

It was a whirlwind romance yes and that's why she blew my mind but the level I had in common with this girl and her openness is why I felt so free to fall so hard. She took issue with me and Not me with her. Which is why I find this so hard to accept.

 

She did exactly the same thing I did for work, so we understood each other in every level for that and I could share that with her. And we are not talking a basic job, but a very specific highly creative job in fashion related graphic design. I loved sharing our worlds so much on that.

 

I felt I had a creative partner as well as a romantic partner. I never realized how great it was to have this and I never knew I could.

 

I actually thought that I was leaving this finding the girl I would marry so work which always consumed me took a back seat.

 

And we connected so deeply on every other leve, values, interests, sexually, activities... the only real difference was socially. She wanted to socialize a lot more than I did she couldn't look past this in me.

 

I guess the advice that will be given is i could possibly find someone with less in common but a better match. But after seeing how great sharing everything With her is, I don't know if I could settle for that.

[Ms Darcy]

That's the miracle of time. With time, as you move on from this, you'll stop having so many rose colored glasses.

[RayF]

That's what people are telling me, and I so respect what you are saying and thankful for your support and advice, really it's sound in a time where I'm thinking frantically.

 

The thing is other than her age and her being critical of me, neither I or anyone I know can say badly about her. She was wonderful and most of the actual issues in the relationship were a victim of circumstance.

 

I feel a bit angry she's young, open and attractive. She will indeed get plenty of options to meet her match and maybe at that time she will just be a bit more tolerant and that guy will get the reward.

 

but me, I'm older, im successful and attractive even though I have average height, the rest I have going for me, many would argue I'm at the peak point actually. But I'm not super social and don't approach or like dating a lot of women. I've always found it incredibly hard to meet women. I also concentrate on one at a time... I just can't balance many which is why the women I have relationships with usually have a super strong connection with me too. Which obviously doesn't happen often... But I'm looking for that person who can share so many interests with me. I feel like I'm just so much in a niche profession and so atypical a person that it's an impossibility.

 

i wish I was the type of guy who could go to an average beer garden or throw frisbees in Central Park and hit on girls walking their dogs. Every day stuff I'm honestly not that kind of person. These people are the norm... not that there's anything wrong with that. I envy being a little more mainstream... but those kind of girls are my into me and vices versus... I've found it incredibly difficult to meet girls in general let alone genuine ones in New York, and someone with the same interests in me? Impossible really... and even taking photography classes or art classes did not help. It took taking a risk at work to get me connected to a girl with so many similarities and I would not have done so if I didn't feel such a strong attraction, openness and connection with her in the first place.

 

in sorry I know now negative I sound, and I probably realize that this negativity was part of what's pushed this girl away. I've just had years and years of frustrations at this point. And I'm hurting and feel really rejected.

[erasemymemory]

I’m 32, after leaving a 5 year relationship where I knew I could not commit to the person I was with, I got myself up to a place where I felt balanced, but disgruntled at the lack of people really wanting to connect in NYC. It’s a brutal place. 1 Year ago met a girl at work who was a transplant from France, who indirectly reported to me, a situation I told myself I’d never pursue.

 

But I did, and she turned out to be the most amazing woman I’ve ever been with. One concerning factor was that she was 9 years younger than me at 23 but I could feel the difference in her, it could have been her enthusiastic age free of baggage or beaten up by NYC. But her intellectual and emotional maturity blew my mind, as was her openness, kindness and so much more had me fall in love with her hard. It was almost magical. We had so much in common, the same profession and interests. I’ve never met a woman with the same interests as me, both graphic designers. We connected over fashion, art, photography design, we would paint together. We could talk about anything. Our sexual chemistry was nothing like I could have even imagined. I didn’t know this was possible.

 

Her exuberance made her move fast; by 4 months we told echother I love you. She would tell me she wanted to get married some day and wanted to be with me forever. I was so afraid and so skeptical of marriage, living together and children (a big issue with me) but this young woman I had zero fear with. I felt she was the one.

 

She wanted to move in with me after 5 months and though I was not ready I wanted to try. This is when things turned. Aside from my general fears I went though a professional crisis, which stressed me out beyond belief. Coupled with the fact she quit work and was waiting for a visa to stay in the country. I was stressed; she was worried if she would stay. And my worst came out. I would be super irritable, closed off. I did not make her feel welcome and took her for granted a little.

 

She told me one day in June that she had issues with me, she had doubts and thought our lifestyles differed. That she thought I was too dark at times and that she wanted more lightness, fun, people around, she nitpicked part of how I dressed. She thought living together just was not fun and comfortable to her.

 

I knew I turned her off with my behavior listened and smartened up. I changed my attitude, and many other things and convinced her to stay and she thought things were going better. Then her visa fell through and it got so much worse. We decided to do long distance until she could come back in 10 months.

 

I went to Paris, one more big blow out and she had the same issues. But she stayed. I committed even more to change. I really wanted to change, for her and for me. She never asked me to, in fact stated that she didn’t want me to change for her but I could not bear to lose this girl.

 

A week ago before she came to visit me in NY I accidently stumbled upon her facebook page logged into my computer. Somewhat ashamed of what I did I red her messages. I found out she still had her doubts and was also thinking of her ex. This crushed me.

 

The trip was mixed, sometimes as good as ever but she was distant and irritable. I tried hard to be on my best foot but she was different. I questioned indirectly about talking to the ex but she lied. I know she never lied to me before.

 

She left, I saw on Facebook to her friend she was going to break up with me. I also saw she lied and she was talking to her ex. I called her out on it and she told me that since the big fight in June she has been distancing herself. But terrified to leave me because she loves me and does not want to lose me and our love is real but still believes we are different in the ways she sated back in June, does to see a future with me. Not sure I’m the love of her life. Has to leave.

 

 

I tried to convince her to stay and that these are things that can be worked on but she said she is too young, cant put in the effort especially over long distance and think that she can; find a better match. I told her I would be willing to always compromise, the truth is the thinks she wants are things I want to improve about myself anyways. I really mean that.

 

I confronted over the ex after first denying, she admitted she lied about not speaking to him and even though she sent him an “I miss speaking with you” message today she swears up and down she never lied to me before, it was so that I would not think she was leaving me for him, and was devastated I’d leave thinking she was a liar. That she was looking to ask the ex boyfriend if she had issues as a person, looking for introspection with someone who knew her romantically. She swears she was not looking to springboard to him, I somewhat believe her but am somewhat skeptical too. This hurt and she knew it and felt absolutely terrible.

 

 

But she left. I’m frustrated that she threw away this insane connection with a good person who loved her and would adapt to her needs because she just feels that that probably exists on it’s own. I believe that noting is perfect but people who are willing to put work in is where it works. We had such a special foundation and she agrees our love was real and strong.

 

But aside from some fighting I treated her like gold, but not a pushover was still firm, honest... supported her. Loved her, cherished her. And she really did the same. She really treated me well.

 

 

I put to much pressure on this girl I know it I pushed her for making dates to see eathother, even mentioned proposal when she was full of doubt. She is young. I think I ed a lot of things up.

 

I told her there was an olive branch if she wanted to reach out and to use it only if she wants to give us another chance. She told me leaving me was the hardest thing she ever did she cherishes our love and am happy we met each other. No man ever loved her or was better to her than I was and she does not know if anyone else could be. Angrily I told her I wish I had never met her. I know that was wrong but I am hurting and she has all the control.

 

And Even though I don’t kow if she will ever change her mind (she probably won’t right?)

 

The main thing is seriously how how how could I ever find someone who connected with me so well. I just don’t see how that’s possible, the passion, and the connection. I honestly feel like this kind of thing could only come around once in a lifetime. I’m not a kid; I’ve had many relationships. I know there are a lot of fish in the sea. But this girl was my one.

 

She got me to open up a part of my self I never wanted to unless for the right person. I feel stupid, rejected, afraid and devastated. It hurts like nothing I’ve had before. Even my first love at 18. I thought this girl was the one I'd be with forever.

 

Sorry so long, if you read this and can offer me any thoughts and advice I appreciate it more than you could ever know

 

Wow. I have no advice for you, but I can commiserate. Your story brought me to tears, for I am in the same boat as you. The person who left me, left over things I felt could be fixed. He also said he didnt want to change me, but i felt the things that made him unhappy were not things that were inhererently "me," but just some of my actions, and could have been improved upon. I, too, feel like I found a chemistry and similarity that was unique and will be hard to match. I also feel that it will be hard to find someone else like "normies" do, and even harder still for these walls to come down again one day.

 

All i can say is what others have repeated to me... these people that left us had all these great qualities but lacked the most important one, a willingness to take us at our worst, and what good is all the rest without that?

[Quidam]

You need to learn and move on... plenty of fish in the sea if you let it be