Old friend didn't come to my wedding but pushing me to come to his...

[bat man]

I have an old friend who now lives in another country. We were roommates four years ago in America, and had good times together. He left America three years ago, and we have been keeping in touch through text message ever since. We are not that close now as we were then, but we still text each other every few months.

 

Earlier this year, I happened to have my wedding in the same country he lives in. I invited him to it, but he declined, saying it fell on a national holiday and he wanted to be with his family. I thought this was a lame excuse since the holiday is not that important over there compared to other holidays, but given that he is a busybody with limited time off, I accepted it. I had hoped he could come because none of my other friends could make the wedding. Besides, it was our only chance to see each other after a long time. Regardless, I let it go, and I had a fun wedding without him and came back to America shortly afterwards.

 

Fast forward to now...he invited me to his upcoming wedding in that same country. He's aggressively pushing me and my wife to come, even after I gave him a legit excuse (I got promoted at work and cannot take leave at the moment). Now, it's in his nature to aggressively convince others to come to his events. I can accept that flaw in him. It just makes me angry that he expects me to fly across the world for his wedding, when he couldn't even fly for a few hours to mine in the same country due to some BS excuse.

 

I felt like expressing my feelings to him, but knowing his personality, and the way I can get confrontational, it may turn into an argument. I would hate to lose the friendship. I will continue to tell him that while I would like to attend his wedding, I cannot take leave at the moment. Any other ways to express my concern tactfully would be appreciated.

[mustlovedogs]

Reiterate your reason, and turn it back in to a question. "I'm curious - why are you so adamant on me attending your long-distance wedding, when you didn't attend mine in your home country?" See what he says. He will likely get mad and say you're doing it out of revenge, but just tell him your reason is independent of prior events, but you're just curious.

[annie24]

I think just send a wedding gift (if you want) and just reiterate that your work obligations don't let you take off that weekend but you wish him a happy wedding day.

[notalady]

Yea I wouldn't mention about the fact that he didn't come to your wedding that was in his country and now expect you to fly all the way over for his.

 

You said you accept this is who he is, so accept that. Just reiterate that you can't take time off work, as mentioned before. Hope he has a good time and that's it.

 

Also if he didn't send you a wedding gift, I wouldn't send him one now.

[bat man]

Yea I wouldn't mention about the fact that he didn't come to your wedding that was in his country and now expect you to fly all the way over for his.

 

You said you accept this is who he is, so accept that. Just reiterate that you can't take time off work, as mentioned before. Hope he has a good time and that's it.

 

Also if he didn't send you a wedding gift, I wouldn't send him one now.

 

yeah, he didn't send me a wedding gift either. I would have gladly taken a simple cash payment over PayPal...but he didn't bother to give anything.

[smackie9]

You are two long distance friends, who haven't spent time with each other in 4 years. You both don't owe each other any kind of commitment. Maybe he pushed for you to come because he felt guilty he didn't make it to yours and wanted to make up for it. Some people don't realize the poor impression that they have made ....he is oblivious to how selfish he sounds being so insistent you come to his wedding.

 

Be the bigger man...... just congratulate him, and suggest visiting sometime in the future to catch up and talk about old times.

[Hollyj]

I think just send a wedding gift (if you want) and just reiterate that your work obligations don't let you take off that weekend but you wish him a happy wedding day.

 

I agree. Don't mention anything about him not coming to yours.

[Hollyj]

yeah, he didn't send me a wedding gift either. I would have gladly taken a simple cash payment over PayPal...but he didn't bother to give anything.

 

Don't send anything then.

[Snny]

yeah, he didn't send me a wedding gift either. I would have gladly taken a simple cash payment over PayPal...but he didn't bother to give anything.

You're not entitled to a gift. He wasn't able to make it and didn't have to give you a gift, so let it go.

 

If you planned your wedding around a holiday, then it shouldn't be a surprise that he decided not to come. It doesn't matter he doesn't normally celebrate it; maybe his family decided to all get together for that year. He had plans made wth his family well before your wedding.

 

Let go of the bitterness.

Decline the invitation.

 

You do not have to explain anything. If you tell him the reason you're skipping his wedding, not only will you look petty to him AND mutual friends at the wedding, but you will lose a friendship out of this.

 

If anything I would be the bigger person and send him a card.