Call me crazy, but I want him back.

[fixerbelle]

I have read through the whole Reverse psychology and the "Rebound" relationship thread. It's really helped me through this difficult time.

 

My ex boyfriend and I were together 3 years. He broke up with me almost 2 months ago because he had felt distanced from me and had done for a long time. What BeenThere2 said on his post in the thread is exact same thing I went through:

 

At the beginning of this year I lost the girl I wanted to marry. We were together just over six and a half years. The issue was me. There were certain relationship experiences from my past that caused me to slowly close up and become emotionally distant. I had developed a mistrust in other people's ability to love and in their willingness to maintain a permanent relationship. Somewhere along the line I got it in my head that once I open up completely and give everything to someone, they'll eventually leave. Obviously this is just a self-defense mechanism that your brain manufactures to try and attempt to avoid future catastrophic trauma, but it will unfortunately only lead you to more misery and failure.

 

See it prevented me from moving forward and fully enjoying my life with my girlfriend. There were SO MANY amazing moments that we shared that SHOULD'VE been ten times greater. SO MANY. But fear held me back. Ultimately, this made her feel like I didn't love her. She also feared that telling me would make me leave. She held on for quite awhile, but of course in time this took its toll and she eventually gave up. When she told me all this (the night of the breakup) it was too late for me to fix. Believe me I've spent many months trying to repair the damage but it's pretty futile right now. The ironic point here is that I caused the very thing I feared by not opening up all the way. She's gone.

 

It's horrible.

 

My ex is now in same-sex relationship with someone we met on an online video game. He happens to be 9 years younger than both of us. My ex and I are both 27, he's 18. My ex met up with him in person for the first time one week after our break up and they got into a relationship together right there and then. He has told me they realised they both have feelings for each other as soon as they met.

 

I guess it was a shock because I never knew my ex was bisexual. He didn't either as far as I'm aware. He only ever had female ex partners before me. Ironically, I was always very jealous and insecure that he'd get feelings for another woman. I never cared about him talking to this guy as I didn't think he was a threat to our relationship.

 

But in all honesty, I don't care that he's bisexual, or in a relationship with a guy, or with an 18 year old... I just want him back. I love him for the person he is and the values he has. I would love to be able to give us another go and really try our damned hardest on making things right... I have hope as he's already expressed doubts to me about his new guy and is 'unsure' about where it's going to go. He complained that he's the pickiest eater he's ever met and that he seems very sheltered.

 

But after reading the Reverse psychology and the "Rebound" relationship thread, I've decided to go NC. Let's see how it goes... It will be hard because my ex has initiated contact with me almost daily since our break up and expressed his desire to stay close friends and said he needs me in his life. But I gotta do it... I realise it may be my only chance after reading that thread.

 

In my final text to him yesterday, I went all out and told him my honest feelings. I don't want any regrets or 'what ifs' after all. I said:

"You're a wonderful person J. What I feel for you goes beyond what close friendship ever could. I'm so sorry, I know how much our friendship means to you, and it saddens me that I can't give you a genuine one. I can't lie to you and pretend friendship is all I want when all I truly want is to be with you and work on us. Thank you so much for the good times we've shared together the last three years. I'll never forget them. I honestly want you to find true love and happiness, even if that's not with me. If you can't return these feelings I will need to avoid communicating with you to disconnect myself from you and erase the love I have for you. If a long time passes by without hearing from me, please don't hate me for it. My feelings are strong, and any form of contact, even the smallest amount, could bring them all back. Please understand."

 

His response:

"Please please take care of yourself. Please please be happy. Know that you're a magnificent person in every way imaginable and please know I will always be here for you and always respect you and think the world of you no matter what. I could never hate you. I cherish every second we spend together, be it past, present or future. I think everything of you and I understand but please know all I could ever want is for you to be happy. You are a phenomenal person and you deserve so much, you truly do."

 

He sent me another before midnight:

"Please take care of your amazing self and have a wonderful night sleep."

 

NC day 1 begins...

[pippy longstocking]

So you are just doing NC to get him back ?

[pippy longstocking]

I wonder if you can see how you have engaged us into this whole story you have created , the pretend email to him to pretend you where walking forward , the setting him free so you can heal etc etc ..it is all a fantasy in your plan to get him back ...

[fixerbelle]

Hi pippy,

 

I guess I feel NC is my only option at the moment.

 

I've did all the begging and pleading in the first week of the BU and I've tried being friends the last 6-7 weeks. I'm worried being in the picture will drive him into the arms of his rebound even more. If you read the thread I mentioned about Reverse Psychology and the Rebound Relationship it has some very insightful information about using NC to get your ex back while they're with someone else. Unfortunately I can't link urls for some reason, but it's on the first page as I bumped it.

[smackie9]

Breakups are difficult of course and the first thing we think of is getting them back. This is a normal emotion, you can't help the way you feel. You are right, no contact is the only way to get through this. It's tough to shake off those emotions when things are still raw. In those messages from him is pure emotional attachment. It's unfair to hang onto someone for that reason, when they don't want to be with you anymore.

 

**Sorry to say but, he knew he was bi or gay/ Some people hide it for many years....that's why they call it "coming out of the closet". Were you in shock from the news? or did you have some inkling that maybe......

[pippy longstocking]

Hi pippy,

 

I guess I feel NC is my only option at the moment.

 

I've did all the begging and pleading in the first week of the BU and I've tried being friends the last 6-7 weeks. I'm worried being in the picture will drive him into the arms of his rebound even more. If you read the thread I mentioned about Reverse Psychology and the Rebound Relationship it has some very insightful information about using NC to get your ex back while they're with someone else. Unfortunately I can't link urls for some reason, but it's one the first page as I bumped it.

 

I maybe read your post wrong for that I apologise ....

 

It read like this was the only reason you are going NC , in a ploy to get him back and it was all part of a plan type of thing ..which is just so dangerous for you , for anybody . I know the thread and the whole NC routine and indeed , it is only with no contact that a person has chance to miss and to think about who they dumped ..however there are very few who end up reconciling because they went NC ...it has become a tool to achieve reconciliation instead of a tool to heal .

[fixerbelle]

Hi smackie, yes it's true. I feel NC is the healthiest option now. Either he comes back or he doesn't. I want him back now but who knows how I will feel in another month or two months. If he doesn't contact me wanting to try things again then the only thing I'll be able to do is move forward without him. I guess we'll have to see what happens.

 

Can you clarify what you mean about his messages being pure emotional attachment and that it would be unfair to hang on to him because of that? Just a little unsure what you mean exactly.

 

I'm aware he may have known he was bi but didn't want to say. Definitely. I know it must have been hard for him. I was in shock initially, but my ex is not the most masculine of men. He's very sensitive and in touch with his emotions so I guess it's not too surprising. I adore those traits in him though.

[MissCanuck]

Okay, how about the fact that he was very likely emotionally cheating on you?

 

If they got into a relationship right away, that is a very strong indicator they'd been talking and getting close for some time, without your knowledge. This means your ex was being deceptive with you. It's inappropriate, regardless of the gender of the parties involved. While you ex says he was feeling detached from you, he was getting close to someone else.

 

I would also have a hard time believing that they'd never met in person until after the break-up, either. Your ex, who'd never had an experience with another man before, needed all of one in-person meeting to decide he felt comfortable enough to have a boyfriend? I find that a bit far-fetched. I think your ex has likely known for a long time he also felt attracted to men on some level. Unfortunately, a lot of people in that position try to bottle up or ignore those feelings, in fear of judgment. So, while it's entirely possible that he has always had female partners and is generally attracted to women, I doubt this is a sudden realization for him.

 

Putting aside the question of sexual orientation and the age gap, I don't think he is ideal boyfriend material anymore anyway. His ability to get close to another person while still in a relationship with you would have eroded the trust in a significant way.

[fixerbelle]

Okay, how about the fact that he was very likely emotionally cheating on you?

 

If they got into a relationship right away, that is a very strong indicator they'd been talking and getting close for some time, without your knowledge. This means your ex was being deceptive with you. It's inappropriate, regardless of the gender of the parties involved. While you ex says he was feeling detached from you, he was getting close to someone else.

 

I would also have a hard time believing that they'd never met in person until after the break-up, either. Your ex, who'd never had an experience with another man before, needed all of one in-person meeting to decide he felt comfortable enough to have a boyfriend? I find that a bit far-fetched. I think your ex has likely known for a long time he also felt attracted to men on some level. Unfortunately, a lot of people in that position try to bottle up or ignore those feelings, in fear of judgment. So, while it's entirely possible that he has always had female partners and is generally attracted to women, I doubt this is a sudden realization for him.

 

Putting aside the question of sexual orientation and the age gap, I don't think he is ideal boyfriend material anymore anyway. His ability to get close to another person while still in a relationship with you would have eroded the trust in a significant way.

 

Yes it's true that he was talking closely with this person for a while leading to break up. I didn't mind as the three of us were good friends and the guy spoke to me a lot too, but he and my ex were having chats daily on messenger. I would see his name pop up a lot but my ex never hid anything and had his messenger open all the time.

 

I can tell you with absolute certainty that this guy and my ex only met each other for the first time the week after our break up, and not before. My ex and I were extremely close and we knew each other's daily routine (we even had a business together, which obviously has ended now) so believe me I would know if he had met up with him before. The guy lives a good few hours away from my ex and I as well. It's not easy for them to see each other.

 

You may have a point about the lack of trust now, but I was far from perfect in our relationship. I made mistakes and drove him away by being so detached. This guy gave my ex the affection and attention I never did, though I do genuinely believe it only started off as friendship. My ex promised me that he never betrayed me, and I believe him. I feel deep down I would know if he did cheat. Like I said, we knew each others daily routines due to the business we shared together. We saw each other day and night. I admit, that created a rut, which probably didn't help our relationship either.

[smackie9]

What I meant by him being emotionally attached is that he is being dependent on you in that aspect, hence the reason he wants to be friends. It's unfair to you because this is leading you on, and keep you trapped in the hope he wants to come back, not letting you heal and move on.

 

 

I don't think you are 100% to blame for his detachment. Sometimes relationships just run their course. He may not have realized this until he started talking to this guy...this guy gave him an emotional spark that was irresistible, exciting. This happens a lot in the workplace between coworkers. I have witnessed marriages/relationships ending due to this. Sometimes it is a rebound thing, sometimes they end up getting married and living happily ever after. These things start out as friendships, then become an emotional affair. That's when they themselves detach from their SO.....I feel this is what happened.

[fixerbelle]

What I meant by him being emotionally attached is that he is being dependent on you in that aspect, hence the reason he wants to be friends. It's unfair to you because this is leading you on, and keep you trapped in the hope he wants to come back, not letting you heal and move on.

 

 

I don't think you are 100% to blame for his detachment. Sometimes relationships just run their course. He may not have realized this until he started talking to this guy...this guy gave him an emotional spark that was irresistible, exciting. This happens a lot in the workplace between coworkers. I have witnessed marriages/relationships ending due to this. Sometimes it is a rebound thing, sometimes they end up getting married and living happily ever after. These things start out as friendships, then become an emotional affair. That's when they themselves detach from their SO.....I feel this is what happened.

 

Yeah, it's happened to people I know too. It happened to my sister with her long-term partner of 4 years back in 2013. He met a woman at his new workplace, and after a few months, left my sister for her. The difference was he cut my sister out his life and told her NC was for the best. He was cold. They haven't spoken to each other since.

 

I find it odd that my ex, however, has seemed so desperate to keep me in his life. He's initiated contact with me daily since the BU. Why bother when he could devote all his time to his new guy instead? Could that and the fact that my ex has already found fault with him (doesn't like that he's a picky eater, mentioned him being sheltered, feeling 'unsure' about future of the relationship) indicate that the grass isn't really that greener after all and that it may not last?

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to say game over, he's exploring the other side. Nothing you can do but go no contact, block him to heal and move on.

 

It may be best if you are hetero and not open to sharing/switching horses to date only hetero men

My ex is now in same-sex relationship with someone we met on an online video game. He happens to be 9 years younger than both of us. My ex and I are both 27, he's 18. I guess it was a shock because I never knew my ex was bisexual.

[fixerbelle]

NC Day 4 and I've just had a breadcrumb from him, a text that says:

 

"Please have a fantastic week. I'm wishing you the very best always. I want you to feel so so happy and I really hope your appointment which I believe you said was soon, goes really really well. You deserve complete and utter perfection."

 

What's the best way to handle this guys?

 

I want him to miss me and realise I'm not going to be available or strung along. I don't want to respond to any of his texts unless he tells me his new relationship is over and wants to work on things with me. Is this cruel on my part considering he's being caring? I want to make sure not responding is for the best...

[pippy longstocking]

Darling I think you are in complete denial

[fixerbelle]

Darling I think you are in complete denial

 

In denial that there may be a small chance for us? Perhaps you're right. Maybe there is no chance.

 

Though it would be a lot easier to accept there is no chance if he didn't bother sending such a breadcrumb... After all, I told him that I could NOT be friends and needed space due to my strong feelings so it confuses me why he would send it.

 

By the way, I haven't responded to him and I'm not going to.

[MissCanuck]

He is done, OP.

 

He wants you to be happy and is probably relieved that you don't totally despise him or judge him. But this relationship just wasn't viable long-term if he is also attracted to men and wants to be with a man (which he does, based on his current relationship) That is not something you can change, and remaining monogamous with a woman isn't something he can force himself to do if his wish to be with a man is stronger (and it is)

 

I have to agree with Pippy, you are still very much in denial, girl. He won't miss you the way you want him to. Perhaps as a friend, but not as a romantic partner.

 

You need to end contact with him so you can heal. You're also recovering from emotional infidelity, don't forget. Stop allowing him to have access to you. This message was to relieve his own guilt, so he doesn't feel like the Bad Guy.

[fixerbelle]

He is done, OP.

 

He wants you to be happy and is probably relieved that you don't totally despise him or judge him. But this relationship just wasn't viable long-term if he is also attracted to men and wants to be with a man (which he does, based on his current relationship) That is not something you can change, and remaining monogamous with a woman isn't something he can force himself to do if his wish to be with a man is stronger (and it is)

 

I have to agree with Pippy, you are still very much in denial, girl. He won't miss you the way you want him to. Perhaps as a friend, but not as a romantic partner.

 

You need to end contact with him so you can heal. You're also recovering from emotional infidelity, don't forget. Stop allowing him to have access to you. This message was to relieve his own guilt, so he doesn't feel like the Bad Guy.

 

What you're saying makes a lot of sense and you're most likely right. I agree with you that he sent the breadcrumb to relieve his guilt so he doesn't feel like the Bad Guy. That is very much my ex spot on. He is a gentle and sensitive person and he would hate to be seen as the Bad Guy by me or anyone else.

 

Deep down I know I'm in denial. I'm aware this is a stage many people go through during a break up though, so I'm not going to be too harsh on myself. I just hope it passes with time.

 

I think a couple of things he said to me while I was trying to be his friend (before I went NC) are at the back of my mind, which isn't helping... He made it seem like he's still emotionally attached to me and even jealous perhaps...

 

A couple of weeks ago, when I found out the news of his new relationship, I stopped going on the messenger program I speak to him on. He said he got really worried and feared I was going out meeting random men for sex to help me cope. (I believe one of his friends saw me on Tinder). I was shocked he thought such a thing as I'm far from the kind of girl that would do that. I've never had a one night stand before.

 

Another time was when I saw him in person before I went in NC. He wanted to use my phone so he could show me a YouTube video. I wouldn't let him. He started acting strange wondering why he couldn't see my phone and asked if I had a photo of a new boyfriend as my phone wallpaper. And as we walked home, instead of going back to my place like I'd usually do, I went to the bus stop so I could go to town. He was really confused and asked why I was going into town and thought I was meeting some guy up there... I wasn't lol.

 

I don't understand why he would get that like at all. Dumpers huh? *sigh*